Two monkeys in a bathroom.

The first monkey gets into the bath and goes "OO OO OO"

Second monkey "Well, put some cold water in then"


Apologies, it made me chuckle.

I man walks into a pub and there's a dog asleep by the fire.

He walks up to the barman "Hi, does your dog bite"

Barman "Na, he's a real softy"

The guy bends down and strokes the dog, who promptly takes a chunk out of his arm.

"Oi, I thought you said your dog doesn't bite"

............"That's not my dog"

Ok, this one I didn't get?

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

But it's all I can find in my mailbox!

A little boy just couldn't learn. One day his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. He didn't know. For almost a week she asked him the same question every day, but still he couldn't come up with the right answer.

Finally, in desperation, she called the boy's father to her office. "Your boy won't tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence," she complained.

"Come here, son, and sit down," the dad said to the boy. "Now if you signed that crazy thing, just admit it so we can get out of here!"

2003 Darwin Awards


Hard to believe, but another year has passed and we have once again the Darwin Award nominees. The Darwin is awarded every year to the person who died (or almost died) in the stupidest way.

This year's nominees are:

Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns wrapped in the drive shaft."

Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he put it to his ear.

Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was demonstrating the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Peter Lawson,managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

Nominee No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]: A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. An autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage. It was just the right combination of foods, and the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud hanging over his bed. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating this deadly gas."

Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

Nominee No. 6: [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction, but his sentence had just been reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face.

Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' home about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony."

Finally, Nominee No. 9, The Winner!!!:

[Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip. When the headlights malfunctioned, the two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. A replacement fuse was not available, but Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles the bullet apparently overheated discharged, and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident , but will require surgery to repair the testicle. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. Upon being notified of the wreck, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught, and did anyone get them from the truck.

A man walks into a bar

The bartender gives him a beer and asks him if he wants to hear some music. The man agrees and the bartender whistles and out comes this midget who starts playing the piano. The man notices a dusty gold lamp beside him. He rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie says "I will grant you one wish". The man whispers what he wants to the genie's ears. And the genie says "wish granted" and he dissapears. Seconds later it starts raining ducks, The bartender asks the man if this is what he wished for. The man says "no I wished for a million bucks, I guess the genie has a hearing problem." The bartender says "Yeah your telling me, because I sure didn't wish for a 12 inch pianist.

I got this joke when I was in highschool when my teacher told it to the class

Three pieces of rope are walking down the street.

They start to feel a bit thirsty and decide to stop at a pub for a pint.

Two of the pieces of rope sit down at a table outside while the other goes into the pub.

The piece of rope approaches the bar and says "Three pints of Lager please!"

The landlord stares back and says "Are you a piece of Rope?"

The piece of rope is caught off guard and replies "Yeh, is that a problem?"

"We don't serve rope here" says the Landlord.

The piece of rope goes outside and explained what happened.

The second piece of rope goes into the pub, walks up to the bar and says "Three pints of Lager please!"

The landlord stares back again and says "Are you a piece of Rope?"

The piece of rope says "Err, err, yes!"

"I told your mate, we don't serve rope here" says the Landlord

The second piece of rope goes outside and sits down.

The third piece of rope goes into the pub walks upto the bar and says "Three pints of Lager please!"

The landlord stares back again and says "Are you a piece of Rope?"

The piece of rope replied "I'm afraid not!"

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Not The best joke in the world but it makes me laugh

a man walks into a bar and says "ouch"