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-   -   Seriously homesick - will a quick trip home help or hinder? (https://britishexpats.com/forum/usa-57/seriously-homesick-will-quick-trip-home-help-hinder-772238/)

New-and-unsure Sep 21st 2012 12:59 am

Seriously homesick - will a quick trip home help or hinder?
 
So we've been here just over 2 months now and I am struggling. We're here until Xmas 2013, and I am just feeling so incredibly homesick. My Mum has just been here to stay for 2 weeks which has been nice, but even so I've been extremely tearful. I'm 3 1/2 months pregnant, so guess my hormones aren't helping as far as tears are concerned.

We're going home for Xmas, and my Dad is here in a couple of weeks. But I am wondering whether a week home at the beginning of November might be a good idea? I feel it could go either way; either i'll get home and think 'OK, everything is still here' and take off my rose-tinted glasses as far as the UK is concerned, or i'll realise what I'm missing and coming back here will be super hard.

What do you think? I feel really pathetic but I just currently can't shake off the feeling of being where i don't belong, and it's really starting to make me properly depressed.

Weeze Sep 21st 2012 1:07 am

Re: Seriously homesick - will a quick trip home help or hinder?
 
Can you start going to some prenatal yoga or something. Maybe if you throw yourself into the local lifestyle a bit you'll get over the lonely feeling?

New-and-unsure Sep 21st 2012 1:13 am

Re: Seriously homesick - will a quick trip home help or hinder?
 
Thanks for replying Weeze.

I have actually started prenatal yoga on a Wednesday afternoon. It's nice, but the women there seem to mostly keep themselves to themselves.

I know I need to throw myself into stuff, but I've got myself into a bit of a horrid depressed 'can't get enthusiastic about anything' kind of state. :(

I've looked up classes but all the ones I like are in the evening which is a time i'm not lonely as hubby is home.

Just really really missing my family and friends.

lisa67 Sep 21st 2012 1:22 am

Re: Seriously homesick - will a quick trip home help or hinder?
 
When I first moved over here, many moons ago, and was very homesick, I felt it helped if I panned to go out somewhere different every day....even if it was to the library or the mall...just to force myself out of the house.
I did go home for a visit and I realized that I had had rose tinted specs on, which did help, but don't under estimate the toll transatlantic flights will take on your body, especially as you're pregnant.

Weeze Sep 21st 2012 1:49 am

Re: Seriously homesick - will a quick trip home help or hinder?
 
Sorry my reply was short, I was watching Downton!
I decided that the only way I was going to enjoy myself was to throw myself into it all. I had the advantage of already having a toddler, so I had to get out of the house for her. Lisa is right, if you can get some things in your calendar for the week you feel so much better. Are there any groups near you to join? Prenatal things, expats things, hobbies? You could take a class in something you are interested in (like Joann's fabric shops ones). I set myself a number of short term goals. I didn't really drive in the UK, so my first was drive to the grocery store. Then drive to a mall. Then find a group and go to an activity. Each felt like a little success.
Pregnancy hormones won't be helping. Use Skype to talk to your friends and family, but if you go out to some things you'll have more to tell them about!

Sally Redux Sep 21st 2012 2:13 pm

Re: Seriously homesick - will a quick trip home help or hinder?
 
I think it could make you feel worse. I have had some really bad times dealing with coming back here. You have a couple of thing lined up and you know your stay is of limited duration, look on it as an interesting place to explore until then.

Brat1 Sep 21st 2012 2:15 pm

Re: Seriously homesick - will a quick trip home help or hinder?
 
Oh dear, I feel for you, the first trimester of pregnancy can make you tired, weepy and just out of sorts. Add to that the fact that you're going through the transitional phase of a move and I can understand why you feel so down.

I agree with the others, the more you get out and about, the more that will fill up your day and let your thoughts focus on the positive. I miss family terribly, but I use Skype all the time, Facebook is definitely my friend for keeping in touch with everyone and sharing the good and bad days. And bear in mind, you're only here until next year, you know you're going back home after this trip is over, so try and focus on this as a bit of an adventure. You're living in a different country, different people, different weather, etc, try and embrace it and enjoy it while you're here.

I remember when I moved, which is over 2.5 years ago now, everyone told me, don't go back in the first 18 months to 2 years after you move, and we didn't. We went back last Christmas for the first time, which was just under the 2 years, and believe me, it made me realize what I don't miss about the UK. We spent the whole time, running around visiting everyone, trying to keep everyone happy, and in the end, left having fallen out seriously, with my OH's parents as they were pissed that we didn't stay with them, or spend enough time with them, so I'm in no hurry to visit again.

Have you spoken to your husband about how you're feeling?? Sometimes just talking about it can help. I really think that you are just overwhelmed at the moment, and hopefully, moving in to your 2nd trimester, your energy levels will go up and your mood will lift. Go for short walks, fresh air, go to different stores, talk to people, try and see if there are Expat groups in your area. I don't know if you drive, but if you do, get in the car and explore the area you're living in, don't sit in the house all day, there is nothing worse.

I hope this passes and that you settle a bit better for the remainder of the time you're here. Look forward, enjoy your pregnancy and take each day as it comes, and bear in mind, this is just a temporary move. Good luck with everything and if you're feeling down, come on here and vent, always makes me feel better ;) :D

Bomjeito Sep 21st 2012 4:18 pm

Re: Seriously homesick - will a quick trip home help or hinder?
 
A quick trip home will not help. It will only make you feel worse, as you've already put 'home' into rose-coloured specs and if you go back you'll only keep saying to yourself, 'its so much better here, I hate there..." because its easy being a visitor and the day to day mundane life or niggles from living there in the past won't affect you at the least.

In my first overseas posting, the policy of the company was for first postings, NO return trips for one year (excepting emergencies, of course.) It was a good policy. If you are concentrating on going back, you can't concentrate on building the life (temporary or permanent) where you've landed.

We've been in the USA for over 2 years. We went back after one year and it was bittersweet. We miss Scotland tremendously. Since we are in an environment and climate so 180 degrees from Scotland, it is an acute feeling to miss Scotland. We stayed two weeks and it was so easy - everyone happy to see us, we toured around, enjoyed everything. We forget that Houston offered hubby a springboard career move, ability to use the medical facilities that allowed us to become pregnant (I'm 8 months pregnant with twins~!) and to distance ourselves from what wasn't making our life that great there. We moved here for a reason. Its different. Very different...but in good ways too.

The big thing is to get out there! The prenatal yoga class IS a great thing - I know its scary to pipe up and be a part of the ladies but trust me, they WILL want to talk to you!

First trimester is quite hard. I wasn't feeling my best and certainly felt icky to try and be all happy and sociable. Try with your husband to get away and see some things as soon you'll be less able to travel. And remember, all feelings DO pass...only you can take control to not dwell on any negative thoughts.

Your time should not be flying back so close to another flight back...your time may be better spent becoming a part of your life there!

New-and-unsure Sep 21st 2012 4:28 pm

Re: Seriously homesick - will a quick trip home help or hinder?
 
Thank you all. I know you're all right. And yes the more we're planning on going home, the less I am feeling really like i'm here. It's almost like I'm resisting properly settling here.

Bomjeito congrats on the pregnancy! We were having no luck on that front at home, then once we were about to leave to come here, we found out I am pregnant. So hubby keeps saying we probably wouldn't be expecting if we hadn't done this trip.

Must remember this is good for hubby's career etc and remembering it's pregnant. I've spoken to OH about it a lot - he is very understanding, but it's tough for him too and i think he just thinks i should be grateful to be pregnant, regardless of where I am (which I am, it's just hard not to think about how lovely it would have been to be pregnant at home!).

I'm now 14 1/2 weeks so hoping that the 2nd trimester happier hormones will kick in soon!

Brat1 Sep 21st 2012 4:29 pm

Re: Seriously homesick - will a quick trip home help or hinder?
 

Originally Posted by Bomjeito (Post 10292915)
A quick trip home will not help. It will only make you feel worse, as you've already put 'home' into rose-coloured specs and if you go back you'll only keep saying to yourself, 'its so much better here, I hate there..." because its easy being a visitor and the day to day mundane life or niggles from living there in the past won't affect you at the least.

In my first overseas posting, the policy of the company was for first postings, NO return trips for one year (excepting emergencies, of course.) It was a good policy. If you are concentrating on going back, you can't concentrate on building the life (temporary or permanent) where you've landed.

We've been in the USA for over 2 years. We went back after one year and it was bittersweet. We miss Scotland tremendously. Since we are in an environment and climate so 180 degrees from Scotland, it is an acute feeling to miss Scotland. We stayed two weeks and it was so easy - everyone happy to see us, we toured around, enjoyed everything. We forget that Houston offered hubby a springboard career move, ability to use the medical facilities that allowed us to become pregnant (I'm 8 months pregnant with twins~!) and to distance ourselves from what wasn't making our life that great there. We moved here for a reason. Its different. Very different...but in good ways too.

The big thing is to get out there! The prenatal yoga class IS a great thing - I know its scary to pipe up and be a part of the ladies but trust me, they WILL want to talk to you!

First trimester is quite hard. I wasn't feeling my best and certainly felt icky to try and be all happy and sociable. Try with your husband to get away and see some things as soon you'll be less able to travel. And remember, all feelings DO pass...only you can take control to not dwell on any negative thoughts.

Your time should not be flying back so close to another flight back...your time may be better spent becoming a part of your life there!

+1 :)

Bomjeito Sep 21st 2012 7:11 pm

Re: Seriously homesick - will a quick trip home help or hinder?
 

Originally Posted by New-and-unsure (Post 10292930)
Thank you all. I know you're all right. And yes the more we're planning on going home, the less I am feeling really like i'm here. It's almost like I'm resisting properly settling here.

Bomjeito congrats on the pregnancy! We were having no luck on that front at home, then once we were about to leave to come here, we found out I am pregnant. So hubby keeps saying we probably wouldn't be expecting if we hadn't done this trip.

Must remember this is good for hubby's career etc and remembering it's pregnant. I've spoken to OH about it a lot - he is very understanding, but it's tough for him too and i think he just thinks i should be grateful to be pregnant, regardless of where I am (which I am, it's just hard not to think about how lovely it would have been to be pregnant at home!).

I'm now 14 1/2 weeks so hoping that the 2nd trimester happier hormones will kick in soon!

My husband says the same. If we didn't move, we'd not have the babies. If we didn't move, he'd be in the same job and not moving career-wise.

It IS harder to be at home (I don't work) in a new place. Even though I'm American, I'm thousands of miles away from family, and don't really like Houston. It IS hard to make the effort - to approach folks, to introduce myself..try to integrate. Our neighbors have been nice, which helps.

Then I got pregnant and the first trimester was awful - morning, noon and night sickness! 2nd did get easier and 3rd has been a bear. End of second trimester, hubby had to go back for 2 weeks for business (he'd been kind to not accept any travel back, as to leave me behind so he could go...) - and I sure was bummed as I couldn't go.

As I've said, we've been here over two years but came permanently. We sold our home in Scotland, as well. We do sometimes wonder if we made the right decision, but here we are and do make the best of it as we can.

Talk to your husband....go away for a long weekend or at least take a vacation while you can!! I wish I took more before I got to this stage!

Enjoy your pregnancy and keep posting. Time will take care of a lot of the emotions. :fingerscrossed:

CAdreaming Sep 21st 2012 10:22 pm

Re: Seriously homesick - will a quick trip home help or hinder?
 
I was homesick when i first got here - strangly talking to friends a lot from back home made it worse! I was in a bit of a cycle of moaning about being here and how different it was and all in all it didnt help - in a way i feel some of them were quite pleased to hear that

Life got easier when i started to settle and accept that i was here - and i started making friends - I joined a British group of women who had been here many years so got my Brit fix but also slowly met a lovely group of American ladies who have now become really close friends

Ive been back and forth to the UK for the past year (only been in US 18 months but mother was ill) so this now is the longest time ive been here - and im not going back to the UK till next April - this will be the longest time ive been in the US without a visit to the UK and im starting to feel it a bit...so do understand a little of how you are feeling

I would say hang with it - christmas is soon here and you are seeing your dad soon
Good luck to you!!!

Sugarmooma Sep 22nd 2012 1:20 am

Re: Seriously homesick - will a quick trip home help or hinder?
 
And if you take a wander around all the big stores you will be thinking Christmas IS really almost here.:D

Having something to look forward to (your dad, your Christmas trip) will help somewhat to curb the homesickness but it hits everyone at certain points, very strange feeling. Try not to wish the time away, stay as busy as you can and hopefully the hormones will straighten out fairly soon.

You may find in your last months of pregnancy that the nesting instinct will kick in and you wont want to go anywhere;)

Adnams Sep 22nd 2012 2:04 am

Re: Seriously homesick - will a quick trip home help or hinder?
 
If i was you I would defo go back for a brit / family kick before the baby arrives. Life is going to get a lot more complicated, and i hate to say it less free when the baby arrives. So, go beforehand and hopefully that will give you a cure to see you through until 2013. And good luck with the baby. Had both of mine (22 months and 4) here and had a really positive experience of US ob / gyn's.

lisa67 Sep 22nd 2012 11:52 am

Re: Seriously homesick - will a quick trip home help or hinder?
 

Originally Posted by Adnams (Post 10293498)
If i was you I would defo go back for a brit / family kick before the baby arrives. Life is going to get a lot more complicated, and i hate to say it less free when the baby arrives. So, go beforehand and hopefully that will give you a cure to see you through until 2013. And good luck with the baby. Had both of mine (22 months and 4) here and had a really positive experience of US ob / gyn's.

The OP mentioned at the beginning that she's going home for Christmas :)


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