rootless!
May 4th 2006, 11:13 pm
#61
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Re: rootless!
Originally Posted by Sallyanne
True, it is a good way of socialising.
:scared:
:scared:
:scared: indeed.
May 4th 2006, 11:44 pm
#62
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Re: rootless!
Originally Posted by woodsey
Personally I think we are our own worst enemies when it comes to making friends in foreigh lands and to a certain extent we cut our noses off to spite our faces. My 14 year old daughter was a great example of this but it took her a long time too realise it and it only happened when an English girl started at her school. From day one she said they got on like a house on fire and she felt completely at ease with her but it made her realise that it was her own actions in that she isolated herself and assumed that everyone (americans) would be horrid, that stopped her from making American friends a lot sooner.
Because we have to make an effort to connect with people for the first time in many years in order to make friends here we give up before we actually try mainly because deep down we just cant be bothered or we are left wondering what the f**k is wrong with someone just because they don't declare you too be their 'bestest friend ever' in the 5 minutes that you've been talking to them. I think we also forget that we are also foreign to them so they will have their barriers up just as much as we do. In the same way that we don't know how to react to them, they will be thinking the same about us. Just as we may be more reserved for fear of offending etc, they will probably by acting the same. We then wonder why we're left wallowing in our own self pity..
I too was one of those people that decided that Americans were materialistic, false, arrogant twats when actually they are not in general, yes some of them are, but so are some people from every country in the world.
If people truly take the time and make a huge effort and it has to be huge it will pay off and people will make friends but again why do we all assume that we will have close friendships in an instant when the friendships we have in the UK are years old?
Because we have to make an effort to connect with people for the first time in many years in order to make friends here we give up before we actually try mainly because deep down we just cant be bothered or we are left wondering what the f**k is wrong with someone just because they don't declare you too be their 'bestest friend ever' in the 5 minutes that you've been talking to them. I think we also forget that we are also foreign to them so they will have their barriers up just as much as we do. In the same way that we don't know how to react to them, they will be thinking the same about us. Just as we may be more reserved for fear of offending etc, they will probably by acting the same. We then wonder why we're left wallowing in our own self pity..
I too was one of those people that decided that Americans were materialistic, false, arrogant twats when actually they are not in general, yes some of them are, but so are some people from every country in the world.
If people truly take the time and make a huge effort and it has to be huge it will pay off and people will make friends but again why do we all assume that we will have close friendships in an instant when the friendships we have in the UK are years old?
I'm not really talking about making friends in 'an instant' though. I think 6 years is a decent go at things. I had really good friends here a few years ago, but most of them have moved on to other places, since this is a very transient part of the world. I hear what you are saying about making an effort, but I still think that the actual mechanics for forming relationships are more apparent in British society than here. It sounds like a silly thing, but on a friday night or even lunchtime at work in the UK, the whole team would often go for a drink or two. That simply doesn't happen here in Silicon valley. Everyone sort of sticks to their own. So I whilst I agree that more effort is required on the part of the individual to form relationships, I still don't think that the culture in California is as naturally disposed to being sociable as it is in Britain. That's just my personal experience of course.
May 5th 2006, 12:00 am
#63
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Re: rootless!
Originally Posted by DarrenP
I think you make some good points. I did have some predisposed notions about Americans I'm sure but they've all largely been dispelled after a long time out here. One thing that living abroad for six years has taught me is that people are pretty similiar everywhere. Personally I always thought it odd when entire nations of people are described as 'friendly' or 'not very welcoming' or whatever. Every person within each respective society is of course different.
I'm not really talking about making friends in 'an instant' though. I think 6 years is a decent go at things. I had really good friends here a few years ago, but most of them have moved on to other places, since this is a very transient part of the world. I hear what you are saying about making an effort, but I still think that the actual mechanics for forming relationships are more apparent in British society than here. It sounds like a silly thing, but on a friday night or even lunchtime at work in the UK, the whole team would often go for a drink or two. That simply doesn't happen here in Silicon valley. Everyone sort of sticks to their own. So I whilst I agree that more effort is required on the part of the individual to form relationships, I still don't think that the culture in California is as naturally disposed to being sociable as it is in Britain. That's just my personal experience of course.
I'm not really talking about making friends in 'an instant' though. I think 6 years is a decent go at things. I had really good friends here a few years ago, but most of them have moved on to other places, since this is a very transient part of the world. I hear what you are saying about making an effort, but I still think that the actual mechanics for forming relationships are more apparent in British society than here. It sounds like a silly thing, but on a friday night or even lunchtime at work in the UK, the whole team would often go for a drink or two. That simply doesn't happen here in Silicon valley. Everyone sort of sticks to their own. So I whilst I agree that more effort is required on the part of the individual to form relationships, I still don't think that the culture in California is as naturally disposed to being sociable as it is in Britain. That's just my personal experience of course.
May 5th 2006, 12:06 am
#64
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Re: rootless!
Originally Posted by britvic
I've been reading this thread with interest, I think you already know you've given it long enough, get your arse home me old china pretty sure you'll be happier, best wishes to you, I personally cant wait to leave
I guess I just need to figure out the timeframe and logistics. Thanks all for the support.
May 5th 2006, 1:40 am
#65
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Re: rootless!
Originally Posted by DarrenP
I think you make some good points. I did have some predisposed notions about Americans I'm sure but they've all largely been dispelled after a long time out here. One thing that living abroad for six years has taught me is that people are pretty similiar everywhere. Personally I always thought it odd when entire nations of people are described as 'friendly' or 'not very welcoming' or whatever. Every person within each respective society is of course different.
I'm not really talking about making friends in 'an instant' though. I think 6 years is a decent go at things. I had really good friends here a few years ago, but most of them have moved on to other places, since this is a very transient part of the world. I hear what you are saying about making an effort, but I still think that the actual mechanics for forming relationships are more apparent in British society than here. It sounds like a silly thing, but on a friday night or even lunchtime at work in the UK, the whole team would often go for a drink or two. That simply doesn't happen here in Silicon valley. Everyone sort of sticks to their own. So I whilst I agree that more effort is required on the part of the individual to form relationships, I still don't think that the culture in California is as naturally disposed to being sociable as it is in Britain. That's just my personal experience of course.
I'm not really talking about making friends in 'an instant' though. I think 6 years is a decent go at things. I had really good friends here a few years ago, but most of them have moved on to other places, since this is a very transient part of the world. I hear what you are saying about making an effort, but I still think that the actual mechanics for forming relationships are more apparent in British society than here. It sounds like a silly thing, but on a friday night or even lunchtime at work in the UK, the whole team would often go for a drink or two. That simply doesn't happen here in Silicon valley. Everyone sort of sticks to their own. So I whilst I agree that more effort is required on the part of the individual to form relationships, I still don't think that the culture in California is as naturally disposed to being sociable as it is in Britain. That's just my personal experience of course.
I did in my post forget to mention the 'beer' link, I think you've got a point there as what most people missing home comment on is how they miss going down the pub with their mates etc..whilst every now and then I also think its great, having seen things from a different perspective over here I'm actually inclined to think its also a little sad that even 10 years later when people go home for a visit the same people are propped up at the same bar. One expat we got talking too had been here for 20 years, his last visit home some years ago, was his first visit back in 6 years, he walked in his old local to find an old friend sat on the same stool in exactly the same place, his old friend didn't even look up from his drink and just asked him where he'd been like he'd just nipped out to the loo or something 5 minutes earlier. He said it was like walking into a time warp. I used to think that Corrie and Eastenders weren't real life, LOL...
May 5th 2006, 1:58 am
#66
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Re: rootless!
Originally Posted by woodsey
, his last visit home some years ago, was his first visit back in 6 years, he walked in his old local to find an old friend sat on the same stool in exactly the same place, his old friend didn't even look up from his drink and just asked him where he'd been like he'd just nipped out to the loo or something 5 minutes earlier. He said it was like walking into a time warp.
May 5th 2006, 2:30 am
#67
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Re: rootless!
Hi Woodsey,
I hear what you're saying about the time warp thing. But looked at from another point of view, I can be kinda envious of such people.
My grandparents, parents and siblings all live in Sheffield, have always and will always. They have absolutely no inclination to move to t'other side of the city, let alone town or country. They feel perfectly settled in their lives and their relationships. Whereas I'm cursed with itchy feet and a constant need to move on. (I've moved houses eleven times in the past ten years.)
If people feel stuck in a rut, that's one thing. But if they're happy and just don't feel that need to get out there ... it's a quality I wish I had some days.
GG
I hear what you're saying about the time warp thing.
But looked at from another point of view, I can be kinda envious of such people.My grandparents, parents and siblings all live in Sheffield, have always and will always. They have absolutely no inclination to move to t'other side of the city, let alone town or country. They feel perfectly settled in their lives and their relationships. Whereas I'm cursed with itchy feet and a constant need to move on. (I've moved houses eleven times in the past ten years.)
If people feel stuck in a rut, that's one thing. But if they're happy and just don't feel that need to get out there ... it's a quality I wish I had some days.
GG
Originally Posted by woodsey
sorry I wasn't referring to you with the friends in an instant comment, it was just a general picture I get from expats I've discussed this issue with.
I did in my post forget to mention the 'beer' link, I think you've got a point there as what most people missing home comment on is how they miss going down the pub with their mates etc..whilst every now and then I also think its great, having seen things from a different perspective over here I'm actually inclined to think its also a little sad that even 10 years later when people go home for a visit the same people are propped up at the same bar. One expat we got talking too had been here for 20 years, his last visit home some years ago, was his first visit back in 6 years, he walked in his old local to find an old friend sat on the same stool in exactly the same place, his old friend didn't even look up from his drink and just asked him where he'd been like he'd just nipped out to the loo or something 5 minutes earlier. He said it was like walking into a time warp. I used to think that Corrie and Eastenders weren't real life, LOL...
I did in my post forget to mention the 'beer' link, I think you've got a point there as what most people missing home comment on is how they miss going down the pub with their mates etc..whilst every now and then I also think its great, having seen things from a different perspective over here I'm actually inclined to think its also a little sad that even 10 years later when people go home for a visit the same people are propped up at the same bar. One expat we got talking too had been here for 20 years, his last visit home some years ago, was his first visit back in 6 years, he walked in his old local to find an old friend sat on the same stool in exactly the same place, his old friend didn't even look up from his drink and just asked him where he'd been like he'd just nipped out to the loo or something 5 minutes earlier. He said it was like walking into a time warp. I used to think that Corrie and Eastenders weren't real life, LOL...
May 5th 2006, 12:57 pm
#68
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Re: rootless!
Originally Posted by Geordie George
If people feel stuck in a rut, that's one thing. But if they're happy and just don't feel that need to get out there ... it's a quality I wish I had some days.
GG
May 5th 2006, 3:15 pm
#69
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Re: rootless!
I think that anyone who has ever moved to live in another country feels the same way...problem is, it doesn't really change when you go home. There are pros and cons about every place you live.
There is something I miss about everywhere I've lived. Right now, back in the UK, there are things I love about it, and things I miss about the expat life. Coming home can be hard - as you know, financially and in terms of quality of life, things are much worse here and it all takes some adjusting to. However, you do have to consider what is important. Are your family important to you? are your parents getting older? How would you feel if they were ill when you were far away? (that's what keeps us here). What about your friends? - as you say, where you live is transient, what about old friends in London?
I've come to the conclusion that it is the friends/people around me who matter and who make a place a good place to live. It takes some time to re-establish old relationships and make new ones when you're back, and you may always hanker after your old life at some points, but once you're settled, it's as good a place as any.....except for the winter.brrrrrrr
There is something I miss about everywhere I've lived. Right now, back in the UK, there are things I love about it, and things I miss about the expat life. Coming home can be hard - as you know, financially and in terms of quality of life, things are much worse here and it all takes some adjusting to. However, you do have to consider what is important. Are your family important to you? are your parents getting older? How would you feel if they were ill when you were far away? (that's what keeps us here). What about your friends? - as you say, where you live is transient, what about old friends in London?
I've come to the conclusion that it is the friends/people around me who matter and who make a place a good place to live. It takes some time to re-establish old relationships and make new ones when you're back, and you may always hanker after your old life at some points, but once you're settled, it's as good a place as any.....except for the winter.brrrrrrr
May 5th 2006, 3:30 pm
#70
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Re: rootless!
I've found, living in Ireland, that making friends is incredibly difficult. It's funny, I've seen in a few places here people say that the Brits and the Irish stick together... well if you're a Brit in Ireland, it doesn't work that way at all. Irish people (and Irish MEDIA) paint a very negative picture of Brits and instantly have a negative attitude towards you - particularly in Dublin. It's very tough to live here with the constant negativity towards Brits...
I'd also say that Ireland is a weird experience as an expat - everything is so similar to home, sometimes it feels like you're not even away - same British TV channels, shops, food... but every so often, something just reminds you how far away it really is..
I'd also say that Ireland is a weird experience as an expat - everything is so similar to home, sometimes it feels like you're not even away - same British TV channels, shops, food... but every so often, something just reminds you how far away it really is..
May 5th 2006, 3:47 pm
#71
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Re: rootless!
Originally Posted by DarrenP
Hey all, newbie here. I just stumbled across these forums googling earlier, and they look to be a really valuable resource. I wish I'd found them sooner!
I'm 36 years old, been in California for 6 years. Londoner originally. I'm a computer graphic artist and currently doing very well with my career, working for the biggest videogame publisher in the world. But working insane hours as that's just the nature of the industry I'm in and Silicon valley. I have a good visa (O-1) that's good for another 4 years. So 'on paper' life should be golden.
However, deep down I am desperately unhappy (I would go so far as saying depressed actually but I hide it well at work and out socially etc) and can't seem to reach any conclusions about my future. I have a big family in the UK that I'm really close with. I get back once a year for a couple of weeks at the most, but I'm also embarrassed to admit that I loathe to fly, so I find getting on that flight incredibly hard.
Most of my friends that I had when I initially moved here have since moved on, as this is a very transient part of the world. I have a few friends here, but they're largely fairly superficial relationships, and nothing like the deep bonds I had with lifelong friends back home (most of whom I still keep in touch with via e-mail etc). The UK feels a little alien when I go back there (but I still love the visits) and I've never quite felt at home in San Francisco either (beautiful town though it is for the most part). So I just feel sort of stuck somewhere halfway across the Atlantic! I earn really good money, and for what I do for a living, this is the centre of the universe. But I just often think that life is too short to spend it being miserable and away from the people I really care about. I haven't met the right gal either, and I miss British lasses! I really don't know how my career would fair back in the UK and I know I couldn't earn near what I earn here. I'm managing to save a lot of $.
It's so annoying that I have to 'decide' one way or the other, since If I go back, I lose a good visa. I guess that's how things are, but I worry that If I go back I might be overcome with an overwhelming 'what the heck have I done?' feeling!
I know you guys can't answer this question for me, but I really am feeling pretty stuck in life right now, and am just wondering how others find their roots? Any thought's appreciated.
-Darren
I'm 36 years old, been in California for 6 years. Londoner originally. I'm a computer graphic artist and currently doing very well with my career, working for the biggest videogame publisher in the world. But working insane hours as that's just the nature of the industry I'm in and Silicon valley. I have a good visa (O-1) that's good for another 4 years. So 'on paper' life should be golden.
However, deep down I am desperately unhappy (I would go so far as saying depressed actually but I hide it well at work and out socially etc) and can't seem to reach any conclusions about my future. I have a big family in the UK that I'm really close with. I get back once a year for a couple of weeks at the most, but I'm also embarrassed to admit that I loathe to fly, so I find getting on that flight incredibly hard.
Most of my friends that I had when I initially moved here have since moved on, as this is a very transient part of the world. I have a few friends here, but they're largely fairly superficial relationships, and nothing like the deep bonds I had with lifelong friends back home (most of whom I still keep in touch with via e-mail etc). The UK feels a little alien when I go back there (but I still love the visits) and I've never quite felt at home in San Francisco either (beautiful town though it is for the most part). So I just feel sort of stuck somewhere halfway across the Atlantic! I earn really good money, and for what I do for a living, this is the centre of the universe. But I just often think that life is too short to spend it being miserable and away from the people I really care about. I haven't met the right gal either, and I miss British lasses!
I really don't know how my career would fair back in the UK and I know I couldn't earn near what I earn here. I'm managing to save a lot of $.It's so annoying that I have to 'decide' one way or the other, since If I go back, I lose a good visa. I guess that's how things are, but I worry that If I go back I might be overcome with an overwhelming 'what the heck have I done?' feeling!
I know you guys can't answer this question for me, but I really am feeling pretty stuck in life right now, and am just wondering how others find their roots? Any thought's appreciated.
-Darren
May 5th 2006, 4:32 pm
#72
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Re: rootless!
The more I think about it Darren the more I think you should go back but dont necessarily look at it as your forever move, just look at it as a great personal move for now. The world is a big place, I think you are looking at the world in terms of California or UK. One or the other..the big decision! If the Uk is not for you after a period of time why not look at moving somewhere else, Australia or Singapore...Timbuktu 
I think we are all in danger of pigeon holing our lives into compartments when really we should open our minds. If your best friend came to you with the same dilemma you are currently in you would see things very clearly, you would immediately say your not happy go back to the UK and if it doesn't work out move on.
Mmm maybe I might take of my own advice...
I think we are all in danger of pigeon holing our lives into compartments when really we should open our minds. If your best friend came to you with the same dilemma you are currently in you would see things very clearly, you would immediately say your not happy go back to the UK and if it doesn't work out move on.Mmm maybe I might take of my own advice...
May 5th 2006, 9:40 pm
#73
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Re: rootless!
Originally Posted by DarrenP
Deep down I think I've already decided that that's ultimately what I really want. When I actually sit down and think about moving back.......
Why not? 
Cheers...Im off down the pub now
May 5th 2006, 10:17 pm
#74
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Re: rootless!
Originally Posted by Lothianlad
.....you may marry a Scottish lassie if you come back here? Why not?
Cheers...Im off down the pub now
Why not? Cheers...Im off down the pub now
I spend a lot of time there when I'm back, since my sis lives in Glasgow.Thanks ladylisa. You're so right. Nothing has to be forever. Things are suddenly getting tricky though. I had another interview today. Fingers crossed I'm about to take another job here in San Francisco. It's working on fx for a major Hollywood movie which Im absolutely stoked about since I've been trying to leave videogames for some time. Wish me luck
If I get it it doesn't have to be forever and it looks better on my CV/resume for looking for UK computer graphics work. Thanks Erica! My brother is getting married in Cambridge in October, so I should really try and use that trip to figure out where I want to be. Berkeley is a nice town!
May 6th 2006, 12:42 am
#75
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Re: rootless!
Originally Posted by DarrenP
There is nothing sexier than a soft Scottish accent on a lassie to me! I spend a lot of time there when I'm back, since my sis lives in Glasgow.
Thanks ladylisa. You're so right. Nothing has to be forever. Things are suddenly getting tricky though. I had another interview today. Fingers crossed I'm about to take another job here in San Francisco. It's working on fx for a major Hollywood movie which Im absolutely stoked about since I've been trying to leave videogames for some time. Wish me luck If I get it it doesn't have to be forever and it looks better on my CV/resume for looking for UK computer graphics work.
Thanks Erica! My brother is getting married in Cambridge in October, so I should really try and use that trip to figure out where I want to be. Berkeley is a nice town!
I spend a lot of time there when I'm back, since my sis lives in Glasgow.Thanks ladylisa. You're so right. Nothing has to be forever. Things are suddenly getting tricky though. I had another interview today. Fingers crossed I'm about to take another job here in San Francisco. It's working on fx for a major Hollywood movie which Im absolutely stoked about since I've been trying to leave videogames for some time. Wish me luck
If I get it it doesn't have to be forever and it looks better on my CV/resume for looking for UK computer graphics work. Thanks Erica! My brother is getting married in Cambridge in October, so I should really try and use that trip to figure out where I want to be. Berkeley is a nice town!