British Expats

British Expats (https://britishexpats.com/forum/)
-   USA (https://britishexpats.com/forum/usa-57/)
-   -   Need advice... (https://britishexpats.com/forum/usa-57/need-advice-332058/)

Cappucino Oct 18th 2005 8:23 am

Need advice...
 
Hi all, I'm new here and I'm seeking a bit of advice. I'm british, my wife is American. My wife moved to the uk to be with me 5-6 years ago. I run my own business with my family, and we are living within our means. So financially I'm resonably comfortable. But my wife wants to go back home to NYC.
Have any of you been in the situation where one half wants to move and the other doesn't. I mean it's not that I positivly don't. But I feel I won't be able to support my wife financially. I've never worked for anyone else, only myself. I have no real qualifications and I know they rely heavily on these in the states. If I go I will be leaving my familly with a business they will struggle to run. Basically it's come to a point where my wife has said she is leaving with or without me.
How did you all make your decision.

richtea Oct 18th 2005 8:40 am

Re: Need advice...
 
WOW I'd hate to be in your shoes mate.
My Girlfriend is Swiss and she missed her family while she lived with me in the UK. I was also comfortable but she wasn't. I started to weigh up the odds and felt that life would be better in Switzerland than in the UK.
My advice to you is if your wife will be happy in the states and if you had a good job in the states and you would be happy then go. But do a course in the UK first to get a qualification. Do something like plumbing, carpentry something of a trade. You can do crash courses in these types of trades. When you get the certificate if you can't work for anyone out there you can always work for yourself. If not there will always be local people and friends that would ask you to do someting for them and pay you. This way you will be able to put bread on the table. It might be hard for a year or two and the money might not be as good as in the UK but happiness is more important than money. So long as you have each other then that is all that matters.

Regards

Chris

dbark Oct 18th 2005 10:04 am

Re: Need advice...
 
Cappucino, I think you and your wife have a lot of talking to do. If she's prepared to come back to the States with or without you, it sounds like your marriage is not completely sound, in which case, do you really want to up and leave your business and family, etc? It is a very big upheaval to move countries like that - I did so 2 years ago, and I think many people on this board would agree with me. If your marriage is already under strain, moving now isn't necessarily going to strengthen it. Then you have to consider the financial burden - looking for work without qualifications will not be the easiest thing either.

On the other hand, if your wife is truly unhappy in the UK, and is only saying the "with or without you" thing just to make you sit up and take notice, then you should do so. However, IMHO, it is not something to be rushed into. You could, for example, think about moving to the US and working in a low-paid job to get by, while going to college to gain some qualifications to help you get a better-paid job.

You need to talk with her rationally and really listen to her concerns. There may be compromises to be made, but that is marriage for you. If you are both committed to your marriage, you will work out a good solution that you are both happy with.

dunroving Oct 18th 2005 12:57 pm

Re: Need advice...
 

Originally Posted by Cappucino
Hi all, I'm new here and I'm seeking a bit of advice. I'm british, my wife is American. My wife moved to the uk to be with me 5-6 years ago. I run my own business with my family, and we are living within our means. So financially I'm resonably comfortable. But my wife wants to go back home to NYC.
Have any of you been in the situation where one half wants to move and the other doesn't. I mean it's not that I positivly don't. But I feel I won't be able to support my wife financially. I've never worked for anyone else, only myself. I have no real qualifications and I know they rely heavily on these in the states. If I go I will be leaving my familly with a business they will struggle to run. Basically it's come to a point where my wife has said she is leaving with or without me.
How did you all make your decision.

You are in the right place. Dozens of people on here have been/are in the same situation (mixed-citizen marriage, one wants to live in one place, the other wants to live elsewhere). Usually, both want to live at their respective "home" country.

You might also look through the Returning to the UK forum, as there are sometimes posts there with a similar topic.

Tough situation, no easy answer.
Tough situation

Pigtails Oct 18th 2005 1:13 pm

Re: Need advice...
 
[QUOTE=Cappucino] Basically it's come to a point where my wife has said she is leaving with or without me.
QUOTE]

Dump the bitch.

Angry White Pyjamas Oct 18th 2005 1:28 pm

Re: Need advice...
 
[QUOTE=Pigtails]

Originally Posted by Cappucino
Basically it's come to a point where my wife has said she is leaving with or without me.
QUOTE]

Dump the bitch.

Is that the Republican view? :D

Nia_Nia Oct 18th 2005 1:29 pm

Re: Need advice...
 
Oh dear...

It really doesn't sound like your marriage is too sound if she is prepared to leave without you at the snap of a finger. She is basically blackmailing you and that is not the basis for a healthy relationship.

I'm British and I too get very homesick sometimes but my husband is very understanding and we are in the process of moving to a lovely little town that is very similar to a british one that has pavements to enable me to walk around easily which something I have really missed since being here.

The reason I decided to move here rather than the other way around was because I was still at university when we met and had no ties to keep me in Britian apart from my friends and family. He on the other hand had the mortgage, the car and a career so it just made more sense.

Can't you and your wife compromise? what about moving to a place that is more like NYC like central london for example? Perhaps she misses the bustling city atmosphere more than anything and living somewhere like that would be a good substitute? I know the cost of living is MUCH higher in London than other parts of the UK but it might be worth it to save your marriage - if she's not willing to even compromise or discuss it rationally I don't know what else to tell you. How is your marriage other than that?

Whatever happens do not let her bully you into going if you definitely don't want to and don't think it would work out, because if she can bully you into this when it is clearly an unwise decision considering your lack of qualifications etc what else could she make you do?



[Basically it's come to a point where my wife has said she is leaving with or without me.
How did you all make your decision.[/QUOTE]

Celsius Oct 18th 2005 1:47 pm

Re: Need advice...
 

Originally Posted by Cappucino
Hi all, I'm new here and I'm seeking a bit of advice. I'm british, my wife is American. My wife moved to the uk to be with me 5-6 years ago. I run my own business with my family, and we are living within our means. So financially I'm resonably comfortable. But my wife wants to go back home to NYC.
Have any of you been in the situation where one half wants to move and the other doesn't. I mean it's not that I positivly don't. But I feel I won't be able to support my wife financially. I've never worked for anyone else, only myself. I have no real qualifications and I know they rely heavily on these in the states. If I go I will be leaving my familly with a business they will struggle to run. Basically it's come to a point where my wife has said she is leaving with or without me.
How did you all make your decision.

Have you identified the true problems here?

Is there a problem in your marriage, with where you live in the UK (could you not move to another nearby town. Maybe she's uncomfortable living so close to your family), or maybe she is homesick?

Seems like your choice is your job/family or her.

If you moved back to the States, could she earn more than you? If that's the case, that's a good argument to move to the US. Surely, once in the US, you could find employment.

Pigtails Oct 18th 2005 1:52 pm

Re: Need advice...
 
[QUOTE=Angry White Pyjamas]

Originally Posted by Pigtails

Is that the Republican view? :D


God told me to say it :D

Chorlton Oct 18th 2005 1:53 pm

Re: Need advice...
 
[QUOTE=Pigtails]

Originally Posted by Cappucino
Basically it's come to a point where my wife has said she is leaving with or without me.
QUOTE]

Dump the bitch.


I have to admit, that is how I would respond to an ultimatum.
You need to talk - discuss the practicalities of both options, and find out why living in NY is more important, apparently, than being with you :confused:

antjen Oct 18th 2005 2:14 pm

Re: Need advice...
 

Originally Posted by Cappucino
Hi all, I'm new here and I'm seeking a bit of advice. I'm british, my wife is American. My wife moved to the uk to be with me 5-6 years ago. I run my own business with my family, and we are living within our means. So financially I'm resonably comfortable. But my wife wants to go back home to NYC.
Have any of you been in the situation where one half wants to move and the other doesn't. I mean it's not that I positivly don't. But I feel I won't be able to support my wife financially. I've never worked for anyone else, only myself. I have no real qualifications and I know they rely heavily on these in the states. If I go I will be leaving my familly with a business they will struggle to run. Basically it's come to a point where my wife has said she is leaving with or without me.
How did you all make your decision.

Sounds a bit like the situation i was in a few yrs ago, my wife us wife came over to life with me in england, then we have recently moved back to usa as she was not happy in england, the way i look at it is that if she was prepared to give up everything and take a risk to be with you in england, you should do the same for her and give it a try in the US.

Ant

Angry White Pyjamas Oct 18th 2005 2:15 pm

Re: Need advice...
 

Originally Posted by Pigtails

God told me to say it :D

I think he was probably right in this case.

Ray Oct 18th 2005 2:17 pm

Re: Need advice...
 

Originally Posted by richtea
But do a course in the UK first to get a qualification. Do something like plumbing, carpentry something of a trade. You can do crash courses in these types of trades. When you get the certificate if you can't work for anyone out there you can always work for yourself.

Wrong............

Schnorbitz Oct 18th 2005 2:34 pm

Re: Need advice...
 
My parents were in a similar situation in the 80's. They moved to New Zealand in the 70's. My mum was very homesick; travel was much more difficult and expensive than it is now. In the end she decided to go back (with my sister and me) to the UK. My dad didn't want to go so he stayed in NZ for another year. As my mum had been willing to move to NZ when she didn't want to he moved back to the UK even though he didn't want to. They enjoyed 27 years of marriage. I think the point I am (badly) making is that a good marriage requires compromise on both sides.

Ray Oct 18th 2005 2:36 pm

Re: Need advice...
 
Any chance you could open a branch of you business in NY ...
Del Boy did....


All times are GMT. The time now is 2:33 am.

Powered by vBulletin: ©2000 - 2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright © 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.