Need advice...
 

Hi all, I'm new here and I'm seeking a bit of advice. I'm british, my wife is American. My wife moved to the uk to be with me 5-6 years ago. I run my own business with my family, and we are living within our means. So financially I'm resonably comfortable. But my wife wants to go back home to NYC.
Have any of you been in the situation where one half wants to move and the other doesn't. I mean it's not that I positivly don't. But I feel I won't be able to support my wife financially. I've never worked for anyone else, only myself. I have no real qualifications and I know they rely heavily on these in the states. If I go I will be leaving my familly with a business they will struggle to run. Basically it's come to a point where my wife has said she is leaving with or without me.
How did you all make your decision.

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WOW I'd hate to be in your shoes mate.
My Girlfriend is Swiss and she missed her family while she lived with me in the UK. I was also comfortable but she wasn't. I started to weigh up the odds and felt that life would be better in Switzerland than in the UK.
My advice to you is if your wife will be happy in the states and if you had a good job in the states and you would be happy then go. But do a course in the UK first to get a qualification. Do something like plumbing, carpentry something of a trade. You can do crash courses in these types of trades. When you get the certificate if you can't work for anyone out there you can always work for yourself. If not there will always be local people and friends that would ask you to do someting for them and pay you. This way you will be able to put bread on the table. It might be hard for a year or two and the money might not be as good as in the UK but happiness is more important than money. So long as you have each other then that is all that matters.

Regards

Chris

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Cappucino, I think you and your wife have a lot of talking to do. If she's prepared to come back to the States with or without you, it sounds like your marriage is not completely sound, in which case, do you really want to up and leave your business and family, etc? It is a very big upheaval to move countries like that - I did so 2 years ago, and I think many people on this board would agree with me. If your marriage is already under strain, moving now isn't necessarily going to strengthen it. Then you have to consider the financial burden - looking for work without qualifications will not be the easiest thing either.

On the other hand, if your wife is truly unhappy in the UK, and is only saying the "with or without you" thing just to make you sit up and take notice, then you should do so. However, IMHO, it is not something to be rushed into. You could, for example, think about moving to the US and working in a low-paid job to get by, while going to college to gain some qualifications to help you get a better-paid job.

You need to talk with her rationally and really listen to her concerns. There may be compromises to be made, but that is marriage for you. If you are both committed to your marriage, you will work out a good solution that you are both happy with.

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You are in the right place. Dozens of people on here have been/are in the same situation (mixed-citizen marriage, one wants to live in one place, the other wants to live elsewhere). Usually, both want to live at their respective "home" country.

You might also look through the Returning to the UK forum, as there are sometimes posts there with a similar topic.

Tough situation, no easy answer.
Tough situation

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[QUOTE=Cappucino] Basically it's come to a point where my wife has said she is leaving with or without me.
QUOTE]

Dump the bitch.

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[QUOTE=Pigtails]Is that the Republican view? :D

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Oh dear...

It really doesn't sound like your marriage is too sound if she is prepared to leave without you at the snap of a finger. She is basically blackmailing you and that is not the basis for a healthy relationship.

I'm British and I too get very homesick sometimes but my husband is very understanding and we are in the process of moving to a lovely little town that is very similar to a british one that has pavements to enable me to walk around easily which something I have really missed since being here.

The reason I decided to move here rather than the other way around was because I was still at university when we met and had no ties to keep me in Britian apart from my friends and family. He on the other hand had the mortgage, the car and a career so it just made more sense.

Can't you and your wife compromise? what about moving to a place that is more like NYC like central london for example? Perhaps she misses the bustling city atmosphere more than anything and living somewhere like that would be a good substitute? I know the cost of living is MUCH higher in London than other parts of the UK but it might be worth it to save your marriage - if she's not willing to even compromise or discuss it rationally I don't know what else to tell you. How is your marriage other than that?

Whatever happens do not let her bully you into going if you definitely don't want to and don't think it would work out, because if she can bully you into this when it is clearly an unwise decision considering your lack of qualifications etc what else could she make you do?



[Basically it's come to a point where my wife has said she is leaving with or without me.
How did you all make your decision.[/QUOTE]

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Have you identified the true problems here?

Is there a problem in your marriage, with where you live in the UK (could you not move to another nearby town. Maybe she's uncomfortable living so close to your family), or maybe she is homesick?

Seems like your choice is your job/family or her.

If you moved back to the States, could she earn more than you? If that's the case, that's a good argument to move to the US. Surely, once in the US, you could find employment.

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[QUOTE=Angry White Pyjamas]
God told me to say it :D

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[QUOTE=Pigtails]
I have to admit, that is how I would respond to an ultimatum.
You need to talk - discuss the practicalities of both options, and find out why living in NY is more important, apparently, than being with you :confused:

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Sounds a bit like the situation i was in a few yrs ago, my wife us wife came over to life with me in england, then we have recently moved back to usa as she was not happy in england, the way i look at it is that if she was prepared to give up everything and take a risk to be with you in england, you should do the same for her and give it a try in the US.

Ant

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I think he was probably right in this case.

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Wrong............

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My parents were in a similar situation in the 80's. They moved to New Zealand in the 70's. My mum was very homesick; travel was much more difficult and expensive than it is now. In the end she decided to go back (with my sister and me) to the UK. My dad didn't want to go so he stayed in NZ for another year. As my mum had been willing to move to NZ when she didn't want to he moved back to the UK even though he didn't want to. They enjoyed 27 years of marriage. I think the point I am (badly) making is that a good marriage requires compromise on both sides.

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Any chance you could open a branch of you business in NY ...
Del Boy did....

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I completely agree with you Ant. Hubby is American & we have decided to give it a try here for a few years, see how it goes. I'm already thinking I would like to move to a more 'English' state, maybe somewhere up in the North East, if that's what we decide, then we'll give it a few years there & then maybe move to Aussie. It's all very exciting to me, I love to try new things, start over in new places with new people, I enjoy the challenge. IMO, jobs are easy to come by, you just have to put forth the effort.

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Hi...I've read the posts...I think it's a bit cheeky for people to assume your marriage is not sound just because your wife has given you this ultimatum......was it said in an argument? were you not taking her seriously?...was she feeling extremely homesick? has she been happy these past 5/6 years in the U.K?


I too am in a very similar situation(me U.k , he U.S) and after 9 years in this country I feel like I've done my time...like you the only reason we haven't left is cash or lack of...at the end of the day bills are very real. Obviously as a man you need to feel secure knowing you can support your family...in the U.S this will be a very real concern...same thing for us only vise versa :(

I've often fancied myself jumping on a plane and moving..the real deal is a lot more complicated and expensive...what we've just decided to do is write down all the pro's and cons...all the earnings and expenses , in both countries, right down to the electric bill ...also I'm going for citizenship just to make sure I can return if I realize moving back was a mistake, is your wife a British citizen? I'm not sure how it works the other way round but it might be something to consider?

your wife like me has to remain level headed about the whole thing...which at times is very difficult...on a day to day basis I enjoy my life here, but I'm torn between both countries..I've an English friend here(also married to an American) who is going through the same thing, you are definitely not the only couple going through this!

It's tough and nobody can make judgements about you , your wife or your marriage until they've been through the same thing, the same emotions...listen to your wife, I'm guessing the ultimatum was given in frustration...you might not be able to jump on a plane right now and move remaining financially stable but you could seriously look into how to make it happen in the future, good luck :)

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But if you love him please forgive him
Even though he's hard to understand
And if you love him, whoa be proud of him
'Cause after all he's just man

Stand by your man
Give him two arms to cling to
And something warm to come to
When the nights are cold and lonely

Stand by your man
And show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man

And if you love him, whoa be proud of him
'Cause after all he's just a man

Stand by your man
Give him two arms to cling to
And something warm to come to
When the nights are cold and lonely

Stand by your man
And show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man

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The one thing not mentioned here is, are there children involved. I am assuming there is not.

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Next question from the OP will be:

"How do I go about importing a knackered old Robin Reliant van?"

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Thankyou for your replies everyone. It's actually very comforting hearing other peoples views on this.
This topic has been around for a little while now. The problem is she wants to set firm plans now, and go to college later next year. Everything is expense and my wife doesn't seem to realise the financial aspects of moving. I pay for everything at the moment. We only just bought our first house this year (first house for me too).

Our marriage is actually ok-ish. It has come up before that I love her more than she loves me. She told me this, but I just dealt with it. My wife is quite unforgiving. She actually left once before for two months. It came up that I had a girl in the past over to my house for a visit (not a girlfriend btw). I mean before my wife and I were dating or anything. She left because I never mentioned it to her, and she couldn't trust me. Which I never did understand and led to her taking a time out for two months.
When she says she will just leave. I don't believe this is just a threat. She will.
I think my main number one concern is finances and losing what I have at the end of the day. In the UK I have my company established for 35 years. (started by grandfather) with a good income, and huge potential.
In the US I can just see myself flipping burgers at Macky Ds. Of course it won't be this bad but it won't be comparable to my UK life style.
I've tried to make it as easy as possible for my wife over here. I work a lot less hours to be with her. I've tried to be honest and decent. But I think the draw to the US is just too much. She wants to live and work in NYC.
I do feel bad about the fact that she did make compromises and came to live with me. I understand it should work both ways.
Oh and no, no children.

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Mate, far be it from me to pass judgement on your wife, but she sounds to me to be

A) Insanely Jealous
B) Unstable


If I beleived my wife would walk out rather than try to come to some compromise then I think I would seriously evaluate the relationship before leaving everything you have.

Think about how you would be if you did move here, ended up tossing burgers and then she walks out on you for some reason.

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Thank you for the further insight ... it becomes quite clear that you are a bit of a cuckold ...try to be the man ... tell her its your way or she is down the highway ...

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from this post it does not look very good imo........things seem to be on the slide for you two and if SHE told you that you love her more than she loves you then that is not a good situation.......the decision can ONLY be made by you as nobody on here knows you or her and your relationship........ask yourself many questions but number 1 question is
are we going to stay together forever?


does she love you unconditionally

are you willing to take the chance on packing it all up to live in the US

do you love her more than anything in the world........


just keep asking yourself questions like these and you will find your answer........and btw whatever your gut feeling is then thats probably what you should do..........sincerely good luck to you

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She LEFT because you had someone over before you even started dating? This woman sounds like a total psycho! Why on earth would you be obliged to tell her things that happened before you were even together and who was not even a girlfriend?
If you love her more than she loves you why on earth are you with her?


Is she willing to compromise at all? Okay I know she moved there to be with you but if she had no ties whats the big deal? If she's not willing to even discuss other possibilities I would cut my losses and tell her to piss off back to America if thats what she wants to do.

She clearly has no clue about finances and just expects everything to fall into place once she gets back but its not that easy is it?
You have a lot more reason to stay than she does to go, if she really wants this marriage to work what does she expect you to do once you get there? Doesn't she care about the business that your family has built up over the years?

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If my wife made threats like that to me I'd call her bluff and tell her to ***** right off then.


I mean you said yourself, she's left before and came back..........who's to say she won't do it again.

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Go with your gut feeling, if that is to stay in the UK where you feel secure then so be it...I can't sit here and judge you or your wife as I don't know you and I do know there is always two sides to a tale, but from your post you sound very unhappy, I hope everything works out for you..

Good luck.... :)

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Try and discuss the possibilities with her first and if she is unwavering call her bluff as manc said - she might reconsider once she realises she can't pussy whip you into submission and the fact that she won't have you to rely on for financial support if she does leave. If you act just as unwavering in your decision as she is then she might then relent and decided she wants to discuss all of the possibilities afterall...
If your gut instinct is telling you not to move then don't, you said that you marriage was ok-ish that doesn't exactly bode well for a big move does it? If its only ok-ish now what will it be like when you move to a completely different country and she decides she meets somebody she loves more than you? You're going to be up shit creek without a paddle mate.

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[QUOTE=Pigtails]Stop holding back and just say what you really think!

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Does your wife work in the UK? Is she in the same kind of position and making the same kind of money as she did in the US (if she worked there). If the answer to either question is "no", that could be a major reason why she's unhappy in the UK (or with you).

US/UK marriages where one spouse moves overseas to be with the other lead to big problems when it to employment. When Brits move to the US after marrying an American, most often I've seen UK men do that and they usually earn more than their wife so if the man can't get employment for whatever reason (initially due to immigration issues), this can be problematic.

Anyway, we're only hearing one side of the story folks. We can read into Capuccino's posts as we wish but he's got to decide and follow through and bear the consequences.

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[QUOTE=Pigtails]I hope you don't work in PR... :rolleyes:

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To be honest, I think she's looking for excuses to leave you.
This ultimatum sounds like her escape route and that way in her head when she leaves you for the USA she can feel less guilty about dumping you.

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[QUOTE=Celsius]She is a Republican advisor....

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[QUOTE=Ray]'bout time they got someone with some common sense advising them.

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That's how I read the situation too.

I would tell her to go back to NYC and get a job that will comfortably support both of you. Then you will consider moving.

In other words, call her bluff...

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[QUOTE=ironporer]
;) :D

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I have to completely agree. She's looking for a way out. Let her go. You'll be glad you did in the long run, especially when you find the woman that loves you the way you deserve to be loved!

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[QUOTE=Ray]An intern, no doubt. :rolleyes:

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[QUOTE=Celsius]
Piss Rags? No I dress in clean, professional work clothes every day thank you very much.

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[QUOTE=Celsius]
Well, I do have all the qualifications and "talents" to be an intern. ;)