Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

Hi,

OH and I are expecting to move to Colorado in the next 6-8 weeks. I'm the trailing spouse. We've known about this for a good while, it's taken an age to get the paperwork sorted out, and we're now at the stage of starting to pack up our lives here in the UK.

At the moment I'm feeling really down about the whole thing, and at the same time I feel guilty because I know it's an opportunity that others would give their teeth for. Is it normal to feel like this? People say to me 'you must be so excited', but I'm not, and even though I'm certainly interested, I've not felt excited at all. Doesn't help that I'm overwhelmed by the amount we've got to do before moving, and I'm still having to maintain normality every day at work (they don't know yet).

I suppose I'm a bit daunted by the whole thing. I feel like I'm giving up my whole life to move to a place I've spent precisely 3 days in, know no one, and haven't the first clue what I'm going to do with myself when I get there.

Did anyone else feel like this before their move?

Thanks

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

I have nothing to contribute from my own experience because that's not how I arrived here, however I know that my life saver has been friends.... either virtual or real..... new or existing.

I joined a book club (local library) and groups from www.meetup.com, made sure that I had internet connections for email and web groups and cheap (free) telephone calls overseas (try vonage)

Good luck with the move... Oh I'd like to add that moving anywhere is epic stress, so moving half way round the world is major major stress......

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

Plenty of people...it's just life.

Plenty you can do to help yourself out though, being aware of what you might face helps, as you can at least try and plan to do something about it, like that meet up group mentioned above, or joining any other clubs in the area that might interest you.

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

Get yourself down to Dairy Queen. :thumbup: You'll feel a little bit better.

Then go and get your driver's license (presuming you qualify on your visa).

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

Most of us, I reckon.

Speaking for myself, I 'bout went mental, before the move. It gets better, then it gets worse again. Rinse and repeat. Eventually, you settle in.

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

Becoming an expat can really be overwhelming at times. All those feelings are certainly very valid ones.

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

Out of interest, what would a feeling that wasn't valid look like?

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

a little like this....;)

http://www-personal.umich.edu/~ccric...-1600x1200.jpg

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

Where in CO are you going? Went there last year for a couple of weeks - just a holiday of course - but loved the wholesomeness of the place, the outdoors, scenery, food, drink and the general vibe...

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

i also didnt tell work what was going on for quite some time - in case it all was denied etc(I was trailing spouse too) - and I found the double life very stressful. I was asked to take on special projects and training that would be happening/finishing after i was planning on being gone and had to 'accept' even though i doubted i was not going to be there. I hated the hiding of the truth bit.

It was also an enormous amount of stuff to sort out and we were doing stuff up to the last day so i was so busy. worried to about the kids ate and leaving friends and family behind.

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

That was one burden I didn't have to shoulder. I was up front with work from day 1. Course, it meant I ended up working pretty much 24/7 towards the end, instead of dealing with moving stuff, cos there was no way one of my projects was going to fail - even if I was fscking off.

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

IMO your feelings are perfectly normal and to be expected. I remember my husband and I sitting on the plane....waiting for it to take off at Manchester airport...looking at each other and saying 'What the hell are we doing'.

You will probably feel many emotions during the next few days/weeks/months/years. I find it helps enormously to know that you aren't the only one feeling that way. Which is where BE will help you...there will usually be several if not many people who have experienced the same roller coaster ride you are about to embark on.

It's daunting and frightening...but at least you are giving it a go and we will be around to support and help you.

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

Oh yeah. I managed one anxiety attack while packing and really contemplated getting back off the plane once seated as I just didn't want to do it.
Now 16.5 years later I'm ready to pack up and go home (I just need to pack up Dh along with the household stuff)

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

You are not the only one. I totally felt like you. I was not the driving force to move to the US. Hubby got offered a job and 12 years later here we still are. I am not going to lie to you and tell you that its easy to settle. You will undoubtedly suffer from culture shock and everything will be new and strange... but you will also be on the brink of a new adventure. Try and think of it as an extended holiday to start with. Visit places, try new things and slowly you will start to acclimatise and settle. I don't know where you are going in Colorado but I've been to Denver and the mountains a couple of times and the scenery up in the mountains is stunning, and there is lots to see and do in that area.

Use BE as much as you can and we will get your through. Many of us found it strange and difficult at the beginning ... so come chat with us if you are having a difficult/bad day, and share your good days with us too.

Welcome :starsmile:

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

Not until after I got here and discovered how bad the sausages, bacon and bread were. :confused:

You are stepping into the largely unknown with a considerable amount of the stable bindings of your life being traded for uncertainty. Natural to feel the way you do. You will find plenty of good support here of a first hand we've done that got the t-shirt kind.

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

Welcome to BE Madrad:thumbup: Hubby is living in Colorado right now, I was there for around 18 months, probably be going back there in May (long story)

What you are going through is pretty stressful and all of the uncertainty of how you will settle etc, not easy leaving behind your 'normality' for something completely different. Most of us have been where you are right now, we understand how you are feeling. As has been said, BE can/will help, just keep reading/posting and we will try to get you through the bad days and cheer you on through your good ones;)

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

I did the 'keeping it secret from work until the last minute' thing and it was very stressful. I felt much better once it all got out in the open.

Like others have said, your feelings are very normal. I wonder if it's better to feel this way and be prepared for the change, than to think everything is going to be fantastic and then get here and be shocked when things aren't how you thought?

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

Whatever you do, make sure you have a car to get around - without one, you will be trapped (this is one of the key differences in the states - the need for a car). Doesn't have to be anything fancy - a used Honda Civic or something will suffice.

Also - as this was not your decision, it will be easy to second-guess the whole thing. Your best chance of success is to look forward, not backward, and embrace the change. Its a psychological game, and you control how it plays out, by and large. You can moan about how the tea is not as good (they don't make it 'right' here), or learn to enjoy coffee (much better in general than the average UK offering); miss the selection of stronger, tasty beers, or learn to appreciate the more refreshing, lighter US variants; moan about the lack of good comedies on TV, or learn to appreciate some of the better US shows; miss the availability of good 'fish n' chips', or learn to appreciate the great Mexican food, or Asian food, or BBQ, etc that you can find here ... and so on and so on. Also, focus on some of the obvious positives - stunning mountains, and clear blue skies for example (I STILL shudder at the thought of the endless gray skies and rain in UK!).

Also understand that the US is a huge place and, quite frankly, some parts are better than others. You are lucky enough to be going to (what I consider to be) one of the better parts - the people are laid back, there's no big religion thing, the weather is not bad, and there is a 'frontier' mentality still. Many of the people who struggle here are in bible-belt, more-humid-than-a-sauna areas of the South ...

Also - lots of UK transplants fuss over the grocery stores ... apparently the 'average' grocery store here is now 'behind' the average UK grocery store (not the case when I left but things change) ... unless you are on a very tight budget, find the local Whole Foods, or similar 'high end' grocery store, and do your shopping there - you'll pay more than at Safeway / Albertsons / Frys / Vons / whatever, but you'll get better stuff and enjoy the experience.

BE can be a blessing and a burden; I actually broke away from my 'Brit' colleagues soon after arriving, because all they ever did was moan about everything - I got depressed listening to them, and ended up associating with Americans (who tend to have a more positive outlook). Now that I've been here 27 years, I don't mind 'socializing' with Brits (at least virtually!) but back then, I found myself being dragged down.

I'm not trying to contradict the advice from others here, just trying to offer a different perspective. I love it here and would not go back for anything (but it WAS my decision to come, and it was a big improvement for me career-wise and financially, which made it a lot easier I'm sure).

Good Luck! And enjoy the mountain air of Colorado!

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

I came to Colorado in February of 2008 on an L1A visa, I really love it here, I am now applying for a GC. I can honestly say that for the first 6 months or so, I hated it. Initially it was fun, like a holiday. I was flattered at people's response to my accent, and bowled over by how friendly everyone was. I soon realized that I felt very alone, and had little in common with the people I worked with - I am lesbian, very liberal and work in a very conservative office. It took a lot of courage to get up and get out by myself - but since I did, I haven't looked back. I've met some wonderful people and really want to settle here. One thing I would have loved was someone to come home to and share all the new experiences with, and I think that you are lucky to have that. I also think that having that other person could work against you getting out and meeting people. I would strongly encourage you to do that - the relationships that I have forged with people here have been a source of encouragement, support and belonging for me.

Good luck! Enjoy your journey, I think you will LOVE Colorado! Oh, and look forward to no-frizz hair! I love it!

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

I know how the OP feels, as been feeling this way lately too.

Mainly because of employment opportunities, and an overwhelming fear of not being able to get a decent job esp. as I will be walking away from an awesome job here in the UK too into the great unknown of employment blackhole

But I do have excitement too. I know the weather is great, where I am living is awesome, know the area and will have family and friends in Socal too.

But even so, Im like gulp ! no job.....................I do- like the OP -also keep thinking sh!t what I am doing!

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

And SoCal is not a fun place to be without a job! Nowhere is really, unless you can afford not to have to work.

I'm assuming that your partner has a job to go too?

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

She has more options open than I do ! But, I am trying hard to find work before I arrive at least. Spoke to some recruiting agencies, updated resume etc.

I would care less if I wasnt walking away from a killer job here. But I am. Im sure something will come up. Staying positive but I do get the odd black mood funk......

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

My sense is that those who come as a 'couple' take much longer to integrate because they have each other. Being alone forces you out into the community. I came completely alone - well, had one former workmate who had also relocated, but he was one of the people I abandoned early on.

The other key factor for success is (was, for me ...) a job ... I landed at SFO Saturday; checked into hotel; drove around on the weekend getting familiar with the area, then started work Monday. The job was superior to anything I'd ever had before, by a huge margin; I had challenges to focus on, people to meet, a ready source of referrals for everything from housing to cars to bars to restaurants ... . This is another huge challenge for the 'trailing spouse' ... who typically cannot work. If I were coming here today, without a job, I'd sign up for volunteer work of some form - something with a schedule, and with ... PEOPLE ... people to interact with.

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

It's all normal, but I'd especially say from experience that the whole "living a double life at work" part can wear you down. I have applications in at a few places currently, and just the possibility I may not be here does my head in when I'm involved in forward planning and being asked to take on long-term responsibilities. I think it's especially hard if you are invested in your job (i.e., for some people, work is just where you go to pay the bills - nothing wrong with that, but I think that makes leaving easier)

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

Good luck sweety, hope you get the news you want soon!:thumbup:

Hope you had a good Christmas..Happy New Year ;)

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

Wow, so many replies! It is really reassuring to know that I'm not alone.

I've got an L2 visa, so I will be able to work once I get an EAD. However, on that front I'm really torn. I was made redundant from a very stressful job in financial services where the long hours and long commute eventually wrung me out. So it was a blessed relief to escape (not that it felt like it at the time)! A few months later, I developed a life threatening illness. That was a real turning point. I took a job (instead of a career), which has been good as it's busy but I can switch off from it. So when the opportunity came up to move to the US we decided 'life's too short not to'.

So when we do move, I don't know whether to look for a job, a career, or to do voluntary work. Having been through masses of stress in the past, I'm not sure I want to commit to a job where I'm then restricted to 2 weeks holiday a year! However, I can't help feeling that I want to do something fulfilling and rewarding. I've got 2 degrees, but am contemplating going to uni again, though I'm not sure what to do, possibly teaching, or something healthcare-related.

As you can see, I'm pretty confused just now. I know I'm very very lucky to even have these choices. But I'm also aware of all the good things I'm leaving behind, and that is going to be really hard. At the moment all I seem able to think about is what I'm going to miss.

Sorry to be so depressing. The move is getting so close and I'm finding it a bit overwhelming.

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

You feelings are quite normal. Don't rush into anything when you get here, you'll need some time to adapt.

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

So you have plenty of options - wonderful! I'm pushing the 'job' angle because it's a ready source of human interaction. Uni, teaching, volunteering, part-time work - they will all fit the bill of keeping you from getting bored, and also, thrusting you into your new community. My job is 'demanding' (time wise) but I love it, and I don't see it as a 'job' - it's like I'm being paid to do what I would do for free (not everyday, but most days) - but not everyone is that lucky.

Keep us posted how it goes!

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

Fort Collins has a great dance scene.

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

I felt the same - Although I'm here on a CR1, and my hubby is American - I was telling him I wanted to get off the plane as it was taxiing down the runway, despite all we had worked for and achieved in getting the visa in the first place.

It does get better, and I'll only echo what everyone else has said - once I started working and making my own friends away from DH I started to settle in.

I do still have my moments though, where I want to throw my stuff in a bag and head back to england, but my BE friends - who are also now facebook friends and who I meet up with as often as we all can, soon make me realise that i'm being a numpty!

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

You're not being depressing at all, no apologies needed:)
I'm sure, as others have said, things will be easier once you've told your work that will be a huge relief.

Where in Colorado are you moving to?

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

Agreed, as long as it's a job you like, of course, with good people.

My profession is pretty close to 24/7/365 (don't laugh; everyone thinks university academics only work 7 months or so a year, but it's simply not true). Some jobs (e.g., my last one in the States), I'd skip down the driveway to work (I lived across the street), skip back home (where I'd do more work), skip into the lab at weekends, constantly interacting with and helping students who had respect and wanted to learn and were generally "good kids". [I wouldn't literally skip, but I'd definitely have a skip in my stride]

Other jobs, the ridiculous "busy work" would be mind-numbing, the constant last-minute requests, and tasks beyond your skill set, forever dealing with change (not in a good way), colleagues who really were not collegial, dealing with support staff who were obstructive, bitter and twisted, ... now that is my description of a living hell. Keeping occupied did not equal keeping happy in that job, I'd rathar have been stuck at home mowing the lawn and doing vacuuming every day. At least I could listen to Terry Wogan. [I know that is other poeple's private idea of hell] :rofl:

So, as an earlier post implied (I think it was this thread), take the job you like, not the job that pays more but causes untold stress. ;)

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

Isn't that so annoying? People always assume my husband takes the whole summer off and lives a David Lodge type of existence.

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

My Dad was an exterminator during the summers.

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

You're in academia all right... no matter what question I ask of the support staff (with one exception), the answer is always "no".

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

Years ago when Mrs Bill was telling her friends about our engagement, a few of them responded "Wow, he's a university researcher? That means you'll be able to quit your job"!

She nearly passed out from laughter...

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

Saw an interesting article the other week, about the perils of trying to get work in academia. Graduate School in the Humanities: Just Don't Go.

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

Our department secretary simply hangs up on me fairly frequently, usually when I am asking her to do something. She's been like that for about 20 years, apparently (though I think I get special treatment). :rolleyes:

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

My point was, the OP sounds like she has PLENTY of options - doesn't sound like she has to work for money, so she can choose any job, or no job - volunteer, part-time, or stay home and smell the roses ... Nice to have that flexibility!

In another thread, we are talking about 'workers rights' in the US vs. UK ... this would tend to exemplify why some of the protections in the UK are a bit too 'worker friendly! :) . Everyone should have a sense that they could lose their jobs if they don't perform ...

Re: Feeling very down about the whole thing
 

Except - most public sector jobs in the US are like that. Look at what happens every time somebody has the bright idea of suggesting that teachers should actually be able to teach, for example, or consider the DMV, for another.