Can anyone relate?
 

I'm a newbie to the BE Forum.

I've lived in the states for 12 years, but stilll have an awful emotional pull to the UK. I'm stuck in the "sandwich" generation of having aging parents in the UK, who need my help/give enormous guilt trips on an increasing basis, plus have 4 young kids to raise here. Is anyone out there in the same situation as me, still feeling quiet unsettled after several years of living here? I realize that finanically we're better off over here, but emotionally it's still difficult, especially when you're surrounded by Americans who have their whole extended famillies living nearby.

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

its a tough situation.

maybe let your parents know that giving you guilt trips is not conducive to you emotional happiness.

you haven't mentioned in what way they need your help, but I would say its becuase they have not done enough preparation for themselves...

my dad in australia, says all the time he is busy spending my inheritance, I don't give two hoots since hes not bothering me to look after him since he did a lot of retirement planning....

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

thanks for your quick response.

Financially they're doing ok. It's their health that's failing and I think they'd like me to move back to look after them, run them around to doctors' visits, etc. Plus, they're moaning that they don't get to see their grandchildren. What's a girl to do? I'm not sure.

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

Can you get them insurance and bring them over? I know, quite pricey (my MIL is like an added $1,000 a month or something) but she is over with us now (joy:unsure::unsure:)

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

based on your other post in the funeral thread I think you are a caring and unselfish individual. Unfortunately there are people who will take advantage of you as a soft touch (sometimes unconsciously)

if your parents are in the Uk and doing OK, they can always get a bus or taxi to the doctors - they don't need a close family relative to do that kind of stuff - they are being selfish

personal accountability is somewhat lacking in todays society - as demonstrated by a combo of your spuses siblings/mother.

yes, they are a bunch of tight wads, but given the chance (you did) some people will try and get away with it.

Also, despite grief, people dying and funeral expenses are a fact of life (or death) - if I died tomorrow and I had kids I would not expect them to pick up the tab - thats my wifes responsibility... your mom-in-law should be better prepared. $30k for you two to fork out is a hell of a lot of money - thats 3 years of tutition at a local state college!

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

It's a tough situation - I have the same problem almost! My sister lives in UK and helps out from time to time with Mum but she is retiring to Spain. Not sure what's going to happen then. I call every Sunday. There is no way I can go back to live in UK. I have all my children and grandchildren here. And that was my decison and no guilt attached.

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

Jackie,
I can relate.... a little.
I've been here only 6 years, I don't have aging parents in the UK (they both passed away while I have been here...which is REALLY tough) and my two kids are now teenagers...but...I do know where you are coming from.
I do have an increasing stock of relatives in the UK (isn't GenesReunited wonderful??!) and still feel the "pull" whenever I visit or even think about the UK - I really don't think that will ever go away.

Christmas and Thanksgiving are the worst - everyone is, as you say, surrounded by extended families.

Personally i think that the key is to gather new friends around you here. I know that's easier said than done and the cultural differences will ALWAYS be there as an obstacle to real friendships. But it IS an obstacle and not a complete blockage.

Your kids too will integrate and kind of pull you along with them. One of the greatest skills, in my opinion, is to learn to see things through someone else's eyes. Look at where you are through their eyes, think of the opportunities that you have given them by coming here (not that the opportunities are better than the UK but they have BOTH those sets of opportunities - they don't have to pick one). And coming here, emmigrating ANYWHERE will change them for the better - I see my teenagers are far less hung up on the petty things that worry teenagers who have lived only in one place - they can see the woods for the trees, so to speak.

That's all the advice I can give, for what it's worth.
If you are interested, take a gander at my website that I set up when I came here - http://www.andy.smithersfamily.name - I'm no oracle, my opinions and feelings are no more important than anyone else's but I have had people that have read my wafflings and just related to them.

Take care...and welcome to BE.
Andy.

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

We have an immediate relative in a bupa home and its rapidly eroding her life's work. Putting her into a NHS home wasn't feasible and its also a peace of mind issue since we are 3k miles away. The care is outstanding.
Bringing her to the states, there wouldn't be anything left for her by now........ :( Found the health "system" here just isn't conducive to oaps living out their golden years esp. if there are serious needs.

I suppose when your parents or whomever you are beholden to reach a point where they need intensive help just to get by day to day, you look at more drastic steps and the guilt doesn't get any easier - but in the end, we all have lives and kids didn't make the decisions but they certainly have to live with the effects of them..........

..............suppose many ex-pats may find themselves in this position one day........living in one country with kids in another. :(

Sorry to hear of your situation.........it does indeed suck. The best you can do is just the best you can do..........

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

Thanks to everyone for their super-quick and very helpful responses. Very comforting to know I'm not alone.

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

just to say hello jackie and welcome to BE :)

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

Thanks so much! I've got be careful, though. I could stay on this site all day! It's wonderful to know there are fab. Brits out there.

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

the thought never crossed my mind :o:;)

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

I went through this the last year. It has only been the last 3 or so months that the guilt has dissipated. Been here 10 years and know exactly what you are feeling.

When I call home and my mum has been ill, I just want to get on the next plane out and never return.

It does get easier though.

Welcome to BE :):)

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

I just changed my phone number ...now I don't have to hear
the bad news..

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

Wecolme to BE you are not alone. I am feeling like that right now, its swings and roundaboutns. Now that youve found this forum you will be staying on it all day.

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

I find it gets harder the longer you're here, till you make up your mind whether you're going to stay or go.

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

Just a bit of American perspective.... the same thing happens often in the US. I'm not surrounded by immediate family. My grandfather lived 300+ miles from me, though in the same state, and it was agony not being able to be there for him on a daily basis. But it would have meant quitting my job and then what was I to do with the kids who were in school?

Yes, I could more frequently visit, but even then it could only be for a couple of days every few months due to my working.

My ex is heading into the same situation with his mother who lives 1000 miles away. Sure, she could move here and keep Medicare, but she'd be leaving her friends of nearly 90 years, her church, her doctors, her neighbours. The burden on him working and being a single parent and taking care of his mum would be very hard. I don't know what they will decide, but either way it will not be easy.

No answers here.... just a lot of sympathy. :)

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

I know it sounds callous, and kinda uncaring.

but my philosophy is
you owe everything to your kids and nothing to your parents.

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

And if you don't have kids ..your in the clear ..

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

and you've told your mum this? :p

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

I'm still as fertile as a Fisons growbag though, so who knows?

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

I hope youre just taking the michael???

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

i owe a lot to mine for being the caring parents they were, guess i got lucky besides your kids wouldn't be here if it wasn't for your parents.

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

Well, in a non-emotional rational way it makes sense.... it's very hard to be sandwiched between two generations of people.

Parents choose to bring kids into the world, not vice versa, so your obligation should be to your children. And if everyone followed this rule, then every generation would have been taken care of.

My parents aren't old enough to be very physically needy yet, but they've leaned on me hard since I was a child and it's exhausting. They've made a lot of mistakes that mean I may have to bail them out down the road, despite needing to save for my own retirement and put my kids through school.

and my husband wonders why I can never really relax..... his parents have always been wonderful and had their lives sorted.

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

mine too and for that i've been very lucky :thumbup:

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

What!! and interrupt one of her shoe buying spree's

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

:rolleyes:

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

........or

........the longer you have kids the more you realise what your parents sacrificed and put up with........

But if your parents haven't lost it and aren't drooling and talking to the house plants, then hopefully they will realise you are doing what they did and won't expect too much of you.......

There's always the Soylent Green option......:eek:

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

not at all.

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

:blink: :frown:

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

are you going to offer as to why I am wrong and as to why I should be compelled to look after my parents in their old age??

or are you just going to scowl at me.

I've discussed this matter at length with my Dad. He said when he was my age he planned financially not to be a burnden on his children, and has advised me that I would be better off planning the same for myself. instead of worrying about him and spending money on a doddering old fart who pissed his money away in the pub instead of looking after himself.

Granted when we had this conversation he thought I'd be married with kids by now, but his position and mine still is applicable.

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

Sure glad your not one of my kids, what a shameful selfish attitude, sounds as though you've been in the USA too long.

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

why are you planning on being a burden on your children?

who's selfish?

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

Nope, I'm busy SKI-ing, but I know they are sufficiently unselfish to want to help if needed. It's about respect, decency and caring, qualities I fear alien to many of the "me first" brigade.

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

There is nothing wrong with doing it out of love / respect/ honour.
because you are doing it because YOU want to.

however, when parents make their offspring feel guilty, or making them feel compelled to do it then it is wrong.

And how is it wrong to feel it is a higher priority to look after yor own kids first?

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

Heartily agree.

However, life's priorities often require modification to accommodate circumstances and if parents need help it may become necessary to re-prioritise for a while, but that does of course depend very much on the relationship with those parents.

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

If you haven't got your U.S. citizenship then you should treat that as top priority. If you don't, and you leave the U.S. at a certain point, you may not be able to return.

If you're a British citizen you can have dual citizenship.

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

parents by defintion have been around a lot longer than their kids, and should be more responsible and wiser

if they messed up and didn't plan for retirement it shouldn't be on their offspring to clear up the pieces

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

Indeed, that's how I feel.
You can't plan for your own retirement, when taking taking care of someone elses.

Granted, it's hard when debilitating illness takes over (which in most cases will do)
but that's life guys.

Re: Can anyone relate?
 

Gawd, but you lot are a load of selfish bastards, aren't you? I bet those who think this way don't have kids.

Yes, you have to plan for your retirement, but shite happens, and sometimes, just sometimes, things are just not that clear cut and you land up having to look after your parents.