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Can anyone relate?

Can anyone relate?

Old Aug 9th 2007, 3:26 pm
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Default Can anyone relate?

I'm a newbie to the BE Forum.

I've lived in the states for 12 years, but stilll have an awful emotional pull to the UK. I'm stuck in the "sandwich" generation of having aging parents in the UK, who need my help/give enormous guilt trips on an increasing basis, plus have 4 young kids to raise here. Is anyone out there in the same situation as me, still feeling quiet unsettled after several years of living here? I realize that finanically we're better off over here, but emotionally it's still difficult, especially when you're surrounded by Americans who have their whole extended famillies living nearby.
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Old Aug 9th 2007, 3:44 pm
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Default Re: Can anyone relate?

Originally Posted by jackie dwyer View Post
I'm a newbie to the BE Forum.

I've lived in the states for 12 years, but stilll have an awful emotional pull to the UK. I'm stuck in the "sandwich" generation of having aging parents in the UK, who need my help/give enormous guilt trips on an increasing basis, plus have 4 young kids to raise here. Is anyone out there in the same situation as me, still feeling quiet unsettled after several years of living here? I realize that finanically we're better off over here, but emotionally it's still difficult, especially when you're surrounded by Americans who have their whole extended famillies living nearby.
its a tough situation.

maybe let your parents know that giving you guilt trips is not conducive to you emotional happiness.

you haven't mentioned in what way they need your help, but I would say its becuase they have not done enough preparation for themselves...

my dad in australia, says all the time he is busy spending my inheritance, I don't give two hoots since hes not bothering me to look after him since he did a lot of retirement planning....
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Old Aug 9th 2007, 3:47 pm
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Default Re: Can anyone relate?

Originally Posted by BritGuyTN View Post
its a tough situation.

maybe let your parents know that giving you guilt trips is not conducive to you emotional happiness.

you haven't mentioned in what way they need your help, but I would say its becuase they have not done enough preparation for themselves...

my dad in australia, says all the time he is busy spending my inheritance, I don't give two hoots since hes not bothering me to look after him since he did a lot of retirement planning....
thanks for your quick response.

Financially they're doing ok. It's their health that's failing and I think they'd like me to move back to look after them, run them around to doctors' visits, etc. Plus, they're moaning that they don't get to see their grandchildren. What's a girl to do? I'm not sure.
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Old Aug 9th 2007, 3:52 pm
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Default Re: Can anyone relate?

Originally Posted by jackie dwyer View Post
thanks for your quick response.

Financially they're doing ok. It's their health that's failing and I think they'd like me to move back to look after them, run them around to doctors' visits, etc. Plus, they're moaning that they don't get to see their grandchildren. What's a girl to do? I'm not sure.
Can you get them insurance and bring them over? I know, quite pricey (my MIL is like an added $1,000 a month or something) but she is over with us now (joy)
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Old Aug 9th 2007, 3:54 pm
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Default Re: Can anyone relate?

Originally Posted by jackie dwyer View Post
thanks for your quick response.

Financially they're doing ok. It's their health that's failing and I think they'd like me to move back to look after them, run them around to doctors' visits, etc. Plus, they're moaning that they don't get to see their grandchildren. What's a girl to do? I'm not sure.
based on your other post in the funeral thread I think you are a caring and unselfish individual. Unfortunately there are people who will take advantage of you as a soft touch (sometimes unconsciously)

if your parents are in the Uk and doing OK, they can always get a bus or taxi to the doctors - they don't need a close family relative to do that kind of stuff - they are being selfish

personal accountability is somewhat lacking in todays society - as demonstrated by a combo of your spuses siblings/mother.

yes, they are a bunch of tight wads, but given the chance (you did) some people will try and get away with it.

Also, despite grief, people dying and funeral expenses are a fact of life (or death) - if I died tomorrow and I had kids I would not expect them to pick up the tab - thats my wifes responsibility... your mom-in-law should be better prepared. $30k for you two to fork out is a hell of a lot of money - thats 3 years of tutition at a local state college!
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Old Aug 9th 2007, 3:57 pm
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Default Re: Can anyone relate?

It's a tough situation - I have the same problem almost! My sister lives in UK and helps out from time to time with Mum but she is retiring to Spain. Not sure what's going to happen then. I call every Sunday. There is no way I can go back to live in UK. I have all my children and grandchildren here. And that was my decison and no guilt attached.
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Old Aug 9th 2007, 4:03 pm
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Default Re: Can anyone relate?

Jackie,
I can relate.... a little.
I've been here only 6 years, I don't have aging parents in the UK (they both passed away while I have been here...which is REALLY tough) and my two kids are now teenagers...but...I do know where you are coming from.
I do have an increasing stock of relatives in the UK (isn't GenesReunited wonderful??!) and still feel the "pull" whenever I visit or even think about the UK - I really don't think that will ever go away.

Christmas and Thanksgiving are the worst - everyone is, as you say, surrounded by extended families.

Personally i think that the key is to gather new friends around you here. I know that's easier said than done and the cultural differences will ALWAYS be there as an obstacle to real friendships. But it IS an obstacle and not a complete blockage.

Your kids too will integrate and kind of pull you along with them. One of the greatest skills, in my opinion, is to learn to see things through someone else's eyes. Look at where you are through their eyes, think of the opportunities that you have given them by coming here (not that the opportunities are better than the UK but they have BOTH those sets of opportunities - they don't have to pick one). And coming here, emmigrating ANYWHERE will change them for the better - I see my teenagers are far less hung up on the petty things that worry teenagers who have lived only in one place - they can see the woods for the trees, so to speak.

That's all the advice I can give, for what it's worth.
If you are interested, take a gander at my website that I set up when I came here - http://www.andy.smithersfamily.name - I'm no oracle, my opinions and feelings are no more important than anyone else's but I have had people that have read my wafflings and just related to them.

Take care...and welcome to BE.
Andy.
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Old Aug 9th 2007, 5:08 pm
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Default Re: Can anyone relate?

Originally Posted by jackie dwyer View Post
I'm a newbie to the BE Forum.

I've lived in the states for 12 years, but stilll have an awful emotional pull to the UK. I'm stuck in the "sandwich" generation of having aging parents in the UK, who need my help/give enormous guilt trips on an increasing basis, plus have 4 young kids to raise here. Is anyone out there in the same situation as me, still feeling quiet unsettled after several years of living here? I realize that finanically we're better off over here, but emotionally it's still difficult, especially when you're surrounded by Americans who have their whole extended famillies living nearby.
We have an immediate relative in a bupa home and its rapidly eroding her life's work. Putting her into a NHS home wasn't feasible and its also a peace of mind issue since we are 3k miles away. The care is outstanding.
Bringing her to the states, there wouldn't be anything left for her by now........ Found the health "system" here just isn't conducive to oaps living out their golden years esp. if there are serious needs.

I suppose when your parents or whomever you are beholden to reach a point where they need intensive help just to get by day to day, you look at more drastic steps and the guilt doesn't get any easier - but in the end, we all have lives and kids didn't make the decisions but they certainly have to live with the effects of them..........

..............suppose many ex-pats may find themselves in this position one day........living in one country with kids in another.

Sorry to hear of your situation.........it does indeed suck. The best you can do is just the best you can do..........
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Old Aug 9th 2007, 5:21 pm
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Default Re: Can anyone relate?

Originally Posted by Lycanthrop View Post
We have an immediate relative in a bupa home and its rapidly eroding her life's work. Putting her into a NHS home wasn't feasible and its also a peace of mind issue since we are 3k miles away. The care is outstanding.
Bringing her to the states, there wouldn't be anything left for her by now........ Found the health "system" here just isn't conducive to oaps living out their golden years esp. if there are serious needs.

I suppose when your parents or whomever you are beholden to reach a point where they need intensive help just to get by day to day, you look at more drastic steps and the guilt doesn't get any easier - but in the end, we all have lives and kids didn't make the decisions but they certainly have to live with the effects of them..........

..............suppose many ex-pats may find themselves in this position one day........living in one country with kids in another.

Sorry to hear of your situation.........it does indeed suck. The best you can do is just the best you can do..........
Thanks to everyone for their super-quick and very helpful responses. Very comforting to know I'm not alone.
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Old Aug 9th 2007, 5:28 pm
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Default Re: Can anyone relate?

Originally Posted by jackie dwyer View Post
I'm a newbie to the BE Forum.

just to say hello jackie and welcome to BE
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Old Aug 9th 2007, 5:37 pm
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Originally Posted by TruBrit View Post
just to say hello jackie and welcome to BE
Thanks so much! I've got be careful, though. I could stay on this site all day! It's wonderful to know there are fab. Brits out there.
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Old Aug 9th 2007, 5:40 pm
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Originally Posted by jackie dwyer View Post
Thanks so much! I've got be careful, though. I could stay on this site all day! It's wonderful to know there are fab. Brits out there.
the thought never crossed my mind :
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Old Aug 9th 2007, 5:41 pm
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Default Re: Can anyone relate?

I went through this the last year. It has only been the last 3 or so months that the guilt has dissipated. Been here 10 years and know exactly what you are feeling.

When I call home and my mum has been ill, I just want to get on the next plane out and never return.

It does get easier though.

Welcome to BE
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Old Aug 9th 2007, 5:46 pm
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Default Re: Can anyone relate?

Originally Posted by Redlippie View Post
I When I call home and my mum has been ill, I just want to get on the next plane out and never return.
It does get easier though.
Welcome to BE
I just changed my phone number ...now I don't have to hear
the bad news..
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Old Aug 9th 2007, 5:48 pm
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Default Re: Can anyone relate?

Originally Posted by jackie dwyer View Post
Thanks so much! I've got be careful, though. I could stay on this site all day! It's wonderful to know there are fab. Brits out there.
Wecolme to BE you are not alone. I am feeling like that right now, its swings and roundaboutns. Now that youve found this forum you will be staying on it all day.
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