bettyboo67

I think a separation may help us also as this whole process has taken it's toll on our marriage. I was looking forward to getting rid of him for a while ( ) but when it came down to the goodbyes felt a bit differently.

Lets hope for us all that absence does make the heart grow fonder.

MissBetty

What a nightmare but you seem to be taking all the right steps to try and save your marriage, I can't imagine what you must be going through. My parents nearly split up over this very same issue but after 45 years they are still together and very happy. As an adult I can speak to my parents now about things and I had no idea of the misery they went through with the Oz-UK-Oz-UK stuff, we even lived in NZ for a year as a way to try and sort things out - it didn't work!

I'm returning solo as I've come out of a messy relationship. My OH has moved on very quickly and his new partner seems to enjoy making things as difficult as possible for me - nice! I'm lucky (in a way) that I only have myself to think of but it has been a miserable lonely year. I am so looking forward to having the support of family and friends, boy did I ever take that for granted before lol!

Like you say, maybe some time apart will do you both good and give you and your kids time to prepare yourselves for your return to Oz? You seem to have good friends in Melbourne which is great, hopefully that will make your eventual return easier for you. I really do wish you all the best as you are in a horrible situation atm and yes, I hope he does appreciate you!!!

jemima55

Hi Toodlepip,
I`m from Knaresborough, now in the US, returning to our house in the UK this summer. I think you are very sane negotiating a prereturn contract and wish I`d done the same before we moved to the US on a (two years that turned into five and could have been even longer than that!!!!!!!!!) job transfer.

toodlepip

It's very reassuring to hear that other people have gone through this and survived. I'm glad I posted now, thought twice about it as it's so personal and britishexpats is so public.

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship ending and hope returning is a new and exciting start for you. We have been married 13 years (yesterday!) and have done 8 house moves in that time, I'm hoping for a more boring next 13 years!

toodlepip

Yes! I sometimes think I'll be so relieved when he goes but it will be very weird being on my own. We have done a few things (bought him a new wedding ring as his got lost years ago, and me an eternity ring) to show we are committed to the marriage. I am trying to plan lots of things for kids & me over the summer to keep ourselves busy.

I guess it's all part of the expat curse! Feel free to pm me at any time if you would like a more private chat - i think we probably have a lot of feelings in common!

toodlepip

Thank you, I've had a few raised eyebrows when I've mentioned it in real life and of course there's no legal comeback if my OH doesn't stick to what we've agreed but it makes me feel better and it's at least some new ground rules (some of the 'clauses' are about our relationship and not Oz-specific).

Good luck returning to Knaresborough - we're that side of H'gate, I go to Lidl in Knaresborough!

bettyboo67

I may well do that, as you said on your other post you do want to share experiences to connect with others who may be going throught the same thing but can sometimes feel exposed if you put in too much detail (well I do anyway)
I must say (changing the subject somewhat) that having not been on here for some time it's nice to be back. Have been lurking on some other more well known websites to see what's going on and some of them are brutal. Mumsnet has some scary women on there!

aliceinoz

Be very very careful about moving if your not sure about a strong marriage. The last thing you would want is to be stuck in Oz, separated and not allowed to leave.
Partners you thought you knew,can turn very nasty in a separation.
All the best to you and your kids.

toodlepip

Believe me I have thought this through and have had advice.Hence my pre return contract, i know it carries no legal weight but it makes me feel better. There's a lot more to our story than i've been comfortable putting on a public forum. I will cope in Oz whatever happens to my OH and me and if I do end up 'trapped' there it will only be for 9 years max as once my youngest is 18 we can go where we like.

But thanks for the warning, i've heard horror stories too. And have seen people turn out not to be who you thought they were.

toodlepip

I love a good read of mumsnet but don't think I would ever be brave enough to post on there!

You are very welcome to pm me like I say, it always helps to know other people understand what you're going through and I think the emigration experience is not easy to get your head around if you've never done it. And emigrating with children is always going to bring its own complications!

Erica

Hi Toodlepip. Your situation is rather similar to mine, 19 years back in UK and my US husband is not happy and we are moving back to California in August. I totally understand how hard all the wrangling it is on your relationship, I have thought sometimes that this could break us up but I can't do that to the kids and I have no idea how we could work that out. I really like your idea of the pre-return contract, such a great thing to do so that you both know what to expect of one another and there are no hidden-agendas. I might take a leaf out of your book! Counselling is also really valuable, we haven't done that . . . yet. We too are going to rent out our house and I plan to come back here as much as I can. I just feel that my molecules are in alignment here - I feel relaxed in some way, as great as life is in California, my molecules were always a little off-kilter. I just hope that when we get back there my husband becomes a happy, joyous and appreciative person who I can get on with. Not holding breath!!! Good luck to you, I really feel for you.

Erica

Sorry, 19 MONTHS not years! eeek.

toodlepip

It's so hard isn't it? The pre-return contract sounds quite clinical and business like and of course doesn't really carry much weight but it does at least establish new ground rules. I've also found the individual counseling I'm having helpful, my counsellor helped me with the contract.

All the very best to you, I read your thread below and it did strike a chord. We are strong women and we will get through this. I know exactly what you mean when you talk about your molecules being off kilter and feeling more relaxed here. I saw someone write on another forum that coming back to England was like getting back into your own bed and that's how I feel, even though it's still early days of settling back here.

quoll

Oh dear, Toodlepip, I am sorry that you are being forced back - sounds to me like your DH needs to get some sort of intervention for his mental health before making major decisions like that one. The things we do for love, huh!!! Good luck with it.

toodlepip

Too right! Without going into too much detail on a public forum I hear you re:mental health and have tried as hard as I can to get him to get help. It hasn't really worked out .

What will be will be I guess! I'll cope