Go Back  British Expats > Living & Moving Abroad > USA
Reload this Page >

Aahhhhh!!!!! - Moving to the US without the kids?

Aahhhhh!!!!! - Moving to the US without the kids?

Old May 17th 2011, 6:25 pm
  #1  
Just Joined
Thread Starter
 
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 25
Jane is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Aahhhhh!!!!! - Moving to the US without the kids?

Hi, I'm pretty new on here and don't really know my way around yet.....hope I'm on the correct forum.
I would just, really love to ask the question " has anyone moved to America without their 16 year old?
2 years ago, (when she was 14) she was so happy to move with me.....to be with my US husband, but because it's taken this long to be approved, she now has real good friends and wants to finish college with her mates. She tells me it's her choice to stay, not my choice to leave her, but, as a mother I feel so guilty. She really wants to join us when completed ed.....at 18 (and I beleive she will, even if I have to drag her ass here....)
It's such a bitter/sweet situation.......Possitive answers......please!!
J x
Jane is offline  
Old May 17th 2011, 6:52 pm
  #2  
Bob
BE Site Lead
 
Bob's Avatar
 
Joined: Aug 2004
Location: MA, USA
Posts: 91,719
Bob has a reputation beyond reputeBob has a reputation beyond reputeBob has a reputation beyond reputeBob has a reputation beyond reputeBob has a reputation beyond reputeBob has a reputation beyond reputeBob has a reputation beyond reputeBob has a reputation beyond reputeBob has a reputation beyond reputeBob has a reputation beyond reputeBob has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Aahhhhh!!!!! - Moving to the US without the kids?

There's a few people who have so I'm sure they'll offer advice. I changed the thread title a bit to make it a little more obvious what you were after though.

One thing you don't mention is your visa situation, things to consider, your daughter potentially aging out if you don't already have the IR visa and also cost of uni, will she go to uni in the US? Usually need to be resident for 12 months in the state where you'd study to get in state rates, international rates could potentially be massive...and to get UK rates in the UK would have to be resident in the UK for 3 years prior to starting.
Bob is offline  
Old May 17th 2011, 6:57 pm
  #3  
MODERATOR
 
Noorah101's Avatar
 
Joined: Apr 2003
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Posts: 58,088
Noorah101 has a reputation beyond reputeNoorah101 has a reputation beyond reputeNoorah101 has a reputation beyond reputeNoorah101 has a reputation beyond reputeNoorah101 has a reputation beyond reputeNoorah101 has a reputation beyond reputeNoorah101 has a reputation beyond reputeNoorah101 has a reputation beyond reputeNoorah101 has a reputation beyond reputeNoorah101 has a reputation beyond reputeNoorah101 has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Aahhhhh!!!!! - Moving to the US without the kids?

Originally Posted by Bob View Post
One thing you don't mention is your visa situation, things to consider, your daughter potentially aging out if you don't already have the IR visa and also cost of uni, will she go to uni in the US? Usually need to be resident for 12 months in the state where you'd study to get in state rates, international rates could potentially be massive...and to get UK rates in the UK would have to be resident in the UK for 3 years prior to starting.
All been discussed here: http://britishexpats.com/forum/showthread.php?t=717068

Rene
Noorah101 is offline  
Old May 17th 2011, 8:15 pm
  #4  
Forum Regular
 
Lazzza's Avatar
 
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: Katy, Texas
Posts: 268
Lazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to all
Default Re: Aahhhhh!!!!! - Moving to the US without the kids?

I left my 18 year old behind in Scotland to finish his degree. He was in first year of a 5 year course. It was awful to leave him but we knew it was the best thing. His university is one of the best for his course. As a resident Scot, he pays no tuition fees. He visited us for 3 weeks in summer, then 2 weeks at Xmas and he comes out again this summer. We Skype and Facebook chat every day. It's not ideal but it works.

Take the advice on here about the tuition issue. My daughter came out for summer last year and decided to stay here with us in the USA. She is about to go to college on a 42 week course at the cost of $20,000. Plus we had to buy and insure her car for her.
Lazzza is offline  
Old May 17th 2011, 9:41 pm
  #5  
BE Forum Addict
 
Joined: Mar 2008
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
Posts: 4,896
md95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Aahhhhh!!!!! - Moving to the US without the kids?

Originally Posted by Lazzza View Post
I left my 18 year old behind in Scotland to finish his degree. He was in first year of a 5 year course. It was awful to leave him but we knew it was the best thing.
Yes, but it is a very different thing to leave behind an 18 year old who has already started university and (presumably) has already left home than it is to leave behind a 16 year old who hasn't finished school yet ...
md95065 is offline  
Old May 18th 2011, 5:26 pm
  #6  
Just Joined
 
Joined: Jan 2011
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 13
HampshireUK is just really niceHampshireUK is just really niceHampshireUK is just really niceHampshireUK is just really niceHampshireUK is just really niceHampshireUK is just really niceHampshireUK is just really niceHampshireUK is just really nice
Default Re: Aahhhhh!!!!! - Moving to the US without the kids?

Hi there, what a very stressful time for you. Happy to share my experiences with then 16 now 17 year old son, but I'd look into the visa situation first and check what your options are for your daughter to join you at 18.

A brief rundown of our experiences as this was us last year although we're on L1/2 visas.

My son was adamant he wanted to go to sixth form college in the UK with all his mates. In the end he was incredibly lucky to get a boarding place at this sixth form college. We had looked at him living with a friend's family during term time but did not need to pursue this.

Last summer when we moved over here, it was grim as he blamed us for ruining his life! From his perspective he had no friends here and although he'd contact his UK friends via his X-box games online and facebook it wasn't the same at all. He flew back to the UK in September and I must say my husband and I were a little relieved he was gone (very bad parents we are!), his sister (13) was delighted and to cut a long story short, almost a year later he has now decided that he wants to go to Uni in the States after 'A' levels. We're in Colorado and he wants to go to one of the local universities. We been told by the admissions offices that he'll pay instate tuition fees based on our residency as he'll still be classed as a minor (only $13K a year rather than $26K!) He's in the middle of AS exams in the UK at the moment so life is pretty stressful for him, but he has a great support network of his old mates and the new ones he boards with. He's lucky that his Grandfather only lives 10 miles away so can hop on the bus for a chat and a pub lunch. There is no way he will let us Skype more than once every week or two, we IM alot though - seems to be his preferred method of communication.

Over the last year he has become a very independent young man who now manages international travel and the delays that inevitably seem to go with that (flight 8 hours late at Christmas!); had to organize the return of his laptop for repair (might not seem like much to us adults, but he had to get a train and bus to get there and back + make the phonecalls to get it booked in as it was still underwarranty) and he has to do all his own washing at the boarding house too! He is a much more tolerant peron now compared to last year and much nicer to know as a result!

Can't say there aren't still challenges but if you PM me I'm happy to share our experiences in more detail. (I'm not a regular poster on here, so not sure how many posts you have to make before PMing is allowed).
HampshireUK is offline  
Old May 18th 2011, 5:36 pm
  #7  
Forum Regular
 
Lazzza's Avatar
 
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: Katy, Texas
Posts: 268
Lazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to all
Default Re: Aahhhhh!!!!! - Moving to the US without the kids?

Originally Posted by md95065 View Post
Yes, but it is a very different thing to leave behind an 18 year old who has already started university and (presumably) has already left home than it is to leave behind a 16 year old who hasn't finished school yet ...
Maybe? Have you done it? I was trying to explain my experience, which involves my 18 year old. If he had been 16, it would have been my 16 year old. Leaving a child behind is a big deal for any parent at any age. I'm not sure how helpful your particular answer is one way or the other.
Lazzza is offline  
Old May 18th 2011, 5:45 pm
  #8  
BE Forum Addict
 
Joined: Mar 2008
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
Posts: 4,896
md95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Aahhhhh!!!!! - Moving to the US without the kids?

Originally Posted by Lazzza View Post
Maybe? Have you done it? I was trying to explain my experience, which involves my 18 year old. If he had been 16, it would have been my 16 year old. Leaving a child behind is a big deal for any parent at any age. I'm not sure how helpful your particular answer is one way or the other.
I understand that you were describing your own experience and I understand that having a child leave home, or leaving the child behind in another country is always a big deal.

My point was that there is a big difference between an 18 year old and a 16 year old and from that perspective I wasn't sure that your experience was particularly relevant to the question posed by the OP. Sure it is a big deal to leave an 18 year old behind but they are at the point when they were probably about to leave home anyway, but a 16 year old is likely to need a lot more "looking after" than an 18 year old and I would have serious doubts about leaving them to fend for themselves.

In fact, if your son had only been 16 years old would you have been willing to "leave him behind"?
md95065 is offline  
Old May 18th 2011, 5:52 pm
  #9  
Forum Regular
 
Lazzza's Avatar
 
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: Katy, Texas
Posts: 268
Lazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to all
Default Re: Aahhhhh!!!!! - Moving to the US without the kids?

Originally Posted by md95065 View Post
I understand that you were describing your own experience and I understand that having a child leave home, or leaving the child behind in another country is always a big deal.

My point was that there is a big difference between an 18 year old and a 16 year old and from that perspective I wasn't sure that your experience was particularly relevant to the question posed by the OP. Sure it is a big deal to leave an 18 year old behind but they are at the point when they were probably about to leave home anyway, but a 16 year old is likely to need a lot more "looking after" than an 18 year old and I would have serious doubts about leaving them to fend for themselves.

In fact, if your son had only been 16 years old would you have been willing to "leave him behind"?
Not all kids have the ability to leave home at 18. Some 16 year olds are far more capable than 18 year olds. You know nothing about my son and his needs or abilities. But I defer to your apparent superior knowledge in such matters. Clearly you know far more than me.
Lazzza is offline  
Old May 18th 2011, 6:00 pm
  #10  
Forum Regular
 
Lazzza's Avatar
 
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: Katy, Texas
Posts: 268
Lazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to all
Default Re: Aahhhhh!!!!! - Moving to the US without the kids?

Originally Posted by Lazzza View Post
Not all kids have the ability to leave home at 18. Some 16 year olds are far more capable than 18 year olds. You know nothing about my son and his needs or abilities. But I defer to your apparent superior knowledge in such matters. Clearly you know far more than me.
Oh and SOMETIMES it makes parents feel better if they know someone else has done this (left a kid behind that is), so they feel they are not the worst parents in the world.................but I suspect you would have known that if you had done it.

My experience may not be on all fours with the OP's but I had hoped to make her feel a wee bit better knowing that there are other Mums out there who have left kids behind.

Pointing out the difference isn't going to help her, is it? But you have successfully [email protected]@ed me off. Congrats.
Lazzza is offline  
Old May 18th 2011, 6:03 pm
  #11  
BE Forum Addict
 
Joined: Mar 2008
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
Posts: 4,896
md95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond reputemd95065 has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Aahhhhh!!!!! - Moving to the US without the kids?

Originally Posted by Lazzza View Post
Not all kids have the ability to leave home at 18. Some 16 year olds are far more capable than 18 year olds. You know nothing about my son and his needs or abilities. But I defer to your apparent superior knowledge in such matters. Clearly you know far more than me.
Indeed - I know nothing about your son and neither of us know anything about the OP's daughter other than her age - I was not trying to imply that I did and nor was I trying to appear to be superior to you but if you want to take my remarks that way then that is your privilege.

I am adding you to my "ignore" list - you may find it helpful to do the same with me - it will probably make both of us much happier ...
md95065 is offline  
Old May 18th 2011, 6:13 pm
  #12  
Concierge
 
Rete's Avatar
 
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 43,719
Rete has a reputation beyond reputeRete has a reputation beyond reputeRete has a reputation beyond reputeRete has a reputation beyond reputeRete has a reputation beyond reputeRete has a reputation beyond reputeRete has a reputation beyond reputeRete has a reputation beyond reputeRete has a reputation beyond reputeRete has a reputation beyond reputeRete has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Aahhhhh!!!!! - Moving to the US without the kids?

I urge you not to be offended by MD's post. I, too, can see the difference between leaving an 18 yo alone without adult supervision as opposed to leaving a 16yo alone without adult supervision.

While you are a Brit and I'm an American, I don't believe that we are that different that one of us, regardless of the maturity of the child, would allow them to be self-sufficient and live on their own without an adult in the household. I don't believe either of our countries would allow a 16 yo to live alone if it were brought to their attention.

What would be their source of income? Could they afford an apartment, food, clothing, phone, etc. and would they be mature enough to write checks each month for these staples need to sustain their lives?





Originally Posted by Lazzza View Post
Not all kids have the ability to leave home at 18. Some 16 year olds are far more capable than 18 year olds. You know nothing about my son and his needs or abilities. But I defer to your apparent superior knowledge in such matters. Clearly you know far more than me.
Rete is offline  
Old May 18th 2011, 6:19 pm
  #13  
 
Sugarmooma's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 18,318
Sugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond reputeSugarmooma has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Aahhhhh!!!!! - Moving to the US without the kids?

Originally Posted by Lazzza View Post
Not all kids have the ability to leave home at 18. Some 16 year olds are far more capable than 18 year olds. You know nothing about my son and his needs or abilities. But I defer to your apparent superior knowledge in such matters. Clearly you know far more than me.


I still think my kids are too young to live away from home but I'm just crazy


(BTW, they are 32 and 33 years old now and I miss them )
Sugarmooma is offline  
Old May 18th 2011, 6:44 pm
  #14  
Just Joined
Thread Starter
 
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 25
Jane is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Re: Aahhhhh!!!!! - Moving to the US without the kids?

Originally Posted by Sugarmooma View Post
I still think my kids are too young to live away from home but I'm just crazy


(BTW, they are 32 and 33 years old now and I miss them )
My daughter who is 16, will be living with her nan and grandad, who love her ( I reckon) just as much as me and will probably spoil her more.......I am not leaving her. She was meant to come with me.....it is her choice to stay here for 2 years to complete college, as a very sensible, mature young woman.......Who knows what she wants (and will prob get it)

As a mum, she is the world to me and guils always kicks in......I just wondered if anyone else went through a simular thing.....
Jane is offline  
Old May 18th 2011, 6:55 pm
  #15  
Forum Regular
 
Lazzza's Avatar
 
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: Katy, Texas
Posts: 268
Lazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to allLazzza is a name known to all
Default Re: Aahhhhh!!!!! - Moving to the US without the kids?

OP - I had typed this out before I read your reply. My experince is not the same as yours but I also have a 17 year old daughter who is here with me and with whom we went through the same whole experience with last year. I did not mention this last night because it was kinda late and I wanted to go to bed. I did expect to do this today but was distracted.........obviously

I know I should ignore the superior attitudes of those few who believe that because they have lived in the USA longer and spend most of their lives on here that they know more about everything than anyone else.

I also know I should ignore anyone who is only really actually capable of thinking in code. No lateral ability there whatsoever. Only zeros and 1's.

At least this experience has allowed me to use the word ARSE a lot this morning. I miss this word. I miss hearing it. I love this word and just how applicable it is in so many ways.

And sorry OP for you having to read all this twaddle. You have better things to do I'm sure than this. I feel for you, I really do. If my experience of leaving my 17-soon-to-be-18 year old helps you in any way - great. You are also welcome to PM me, so you don't have to deal with those who are 'all knowing'. You know, the people who don't actually give you any help but like to make snide, mean-spirited little remarks.

I am a Mum of 4, 3 of whom are in the USA and 1 who is in the UK. If I can help you at all, I will try.
Lazzza is offline  

Contact Us - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service - Do Not Sell My Personal Information

Copyright © 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.