Two Years in Australia
Apr 9th 2008, 5:48 am
#1
Thread Starter
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 9,668
Two Years in Australia
It's hard to know what to say or where to start given where I find myself now.
I came to Australia for several reasons... there was no single thing that bought me here.
For a start, I'd married an Australian and so that meant a spouse visa for me and therefore somewhat easy for us all to get here, not like some of you folks who go through hell and high water with your visa's.
The other reasons were family... so my kids could see their uncles and grandparents... though my family were in the UK, they seemed not to be that family oriented. I could go for 6 months without seeing them... and whilst I love my family, I wanted more for my children... more family. They happened to be in Australia...
And then, things had become difficult in the UK... our business died after the 9/11 thing, joint venture was cancelled... clients used the tragedy as an excuse to pull out or not to pay... We'd bought out house only a couple of months earlier... who knew?
I'd had a baby whilst in very poor physical condition, and we'd both nearly died at the birth. I desperately wanted to try to have my baby naturally, as with two prior (unnecessary) c-sections, we hired a private midwife and she was looking after me, yet during all this, I had an undiagnosed thyroid condition (Hashimoto's thyroiditis - an auto immune condition which meant my immune system was attacking my thyroid) which meant that during the pregnancy I had no energy whatsoever (even the dusting wore me out) and yet people would say 'Of course you have no energy... you have two children and you're pregnant!' (because I hadn't noticed
)
Had the thyroid thing been spotted and treated, things would probably have been so much better, but as it happens, they weren't.
I am told that during that time, I was intolerable to live with... I had symptoms of depression, I was pregnant, exhausted, short tempered, angry and struggling, really struggling to get through each day. Thyroid problems do that to you. I was ill, there was nothing I could do, though I tried my best. We both did.
The stress from our business collapse was huge. We had no money and it was a struggle to feed the kids... yet even in our best times, where the company was generating a lot of money, we never saved ... we just lived according to our means so our lack of forward planning really screwed us over.
Apart from the money, my other half contracted a hideous virus which had him so ill that he had to move to another bed because of the sweats. He went to hospital once or twice, he was so ill. It seemed to last for weeks...
I was diagnosed as having depression and it seemed that everyone breathed a sigh of relief ... finally there was a name for what was wrong with me.... I went onto Prozac and felt a bit better for a while. We came for a holiday to Aus, to see family. At the end of it, I came off the Prozac... it wasn't the answer.
Further research on the internet showed I possibly had a thyroid condition and that's when I tried to get help from the doc.
Things picked up a bit... My OH got a regular job with a great company which meant we were able to scrape ourselves out of our financial hole with regular money coming in... but things had happened in all that time, things that fundamentally affected our relationship and things were bad.
We first talked about coming back to the Blue Mountains about two years before it happened. My OH was coming over on business and it seemed like a really good idea that he might do a reccie on the schools in the area.
My OH had left the area to travel and had never really gone back as an adult with children... He'd never looked at it as somewhere he might be happy in, because he was happy living in the UK.
He agreed to look and that's when the idea became more than just a 'nice thought'.
Our move to Aus was pretty stressful. As usual, there wasn't enough organisation.. Two weeks is not enough time to pack up 11 years of life into boxes. So much stuff went to the tip... kid's stuff which had I had the time again, I'd have bought. There was other stuff. It was heartbreaking to leave some of it... especially knowing it went to the tip. I hope someone really benefited from our stuff ...
But you know it's just stuff... it's just stuff which has memories and in the end, you let it go... and you let the frustration go... in theory.
We arrived in Aus on Easter day. The weather was beautiful, the skies clear, not a cloud. It felt like I'd come home.
The kids started school and I only had my youngest little dude to look after and we had a rental house. It was damp and cold during the winter (Blue Mountains weather is pretty European. We don't usually lack rain and it snows occasionally in the winter). I spent 18 months looking for a house for us. I worked out eventually that I'd looked at around 80 houses, driving up and down the mountain road, wasting my time with house after house, until at last we found one.
It was a beautiful heritage listed weather board in Mount Victoria... but three quarters of the way through the sale, we found it was going to have the highway expanded outside the house, and we pulled out of the sale.
My other half took a business trip to the UK... and I was on my own with the kids for a few weeks... I tried to make the best of the house, spending my time unpacking boxes, clearing rooms, organising etc... trying to make the house more of a home.
When my other half returned, it was clear that all was not well between us, but we didn't really know where to take it.
I hated the rental house we were in and after giving up my home in the UK, which I'd renovated for sale, I felt unsettled and down. I hated the damp and felt trapped and unhappy in it.
Then I found a house... and it ticked all the boxes for us.
We took a gamble and offered on it, and got it.
Perhaps... we both thought... we would be happier there.
During this time, we took a few marriage counselling sessions together. The first counsellor was a toss pot and didn't help at all. The second was brutally honest, saying 'Once the trust is gone, it's almost impossible to get it back'... and she felt it was unlikely we could do anything...
But we did it because we had once loved each other and once been happy.
Then my parents arrived to stay for 12 weeks and it was the most stressful time to deal with. They were watching our marriage disintegrate and it must have been difficult for them... but it was difficult for everyone.
When they left, we sat in a counselling session and agreed we were done.
The bottom dropped out of my world. I never thought that it would be me doing this. I never thought I'd screw it up and I got married with the thought, as everyone does, of staying together and being happy... but from early and and throughout the marriage it was obvious looking back that neither of us loved the other how they wanted.
We had one last attempt to really analyse things before we let go... or at least I did... but it was no good and in January of this year, it seemed clear that we were well and truly done.
At first we were 'separated under the same roof', but it was clear that there was no way it was going to work. He wouldn't go so I started to look for a rental... and found one in a nearby village, which has views of the escarpment and a huge garden.
I moved in with the aid of Centrelink, friends and a charity up here. My neighbours were incredibly kind, and a delivery guy stopped and helped bring furniture down my driveway and into my house out of the kindness of his heart.
For those of you contemplating such a move, Centrelink can help you with an 'emergency' payment if you need to move out of a situation quickly, as I did. Not only that, but there also exists help for women which is not immediately obvious... especially if you find yourself in a situation which is disintegrating into something beyond your control.
There's a family payment, and there's help with your rent. And then there's child support.
Legally, it's also the ex spouse's responsibility in NSW to provide your rental bond... but there's also help from the Housing Association available... it all depends on your personal circumstances.
When you receive Centrelink help, you also get a card, which gets you a percentage off your train travel and bus travel. Pharmacy stuff too and other discounts. Every little bit helps.
So how are things?
I early killed myself with stress getting into this house. I had no idea if I could scrape together the money for my rent and bills each month, given that I'd left one job because of the stress of it was ridiculous and therefore had no job when I rented. The agents were kind and knew me... and they gave me a chance. So far, so good.
Moving house on my own, moving out of the house that took me 18 months to find... so so very difficult. Heartbreaking actually.
Moving out of my children's main home... horrid. Utterly horrid, trying to keep a bright and happy spin on it... so very difficult.
Trying to be forgiving and remain generous whilst the OH descended into abusive anger... terrible.
Trying to keep a lid on my emotions whilst an ex friend of mine slandered my name around the mountains? Unbelievably difficult, but I now have legal advice on that and am debating whether to act or not.
Watching my husband join in with the ex friend's slander, utterly soul destroying.
Am I surviving? Yes, because this won't kill me, is the simple answer. Sometimes it's like a roller coaster of emotion.... and running out of money is hideous. I have not been able to buy my thyroid meds this month and have had to take thyroxine just to get by as I had some left from a prior prescription... so I'm dealing with breakthrough thyroid symptoms until I can afford to purchase some more, but this is a case of priorites...
My ex still owes me for the rest of my bond... yet this weekend he's holding a party for his friends ... and my ex 'friend' who's slandered me around the mts is doing the catering for it, at his request. It makes me want to puke that last week I could only just scrape enough money together to buy the basics for my children and that my money's probably funding his party this Sunday. It makes me puke that she's in my house.
But how angry can you be? And what's the point? It only eats you up and destroys the person you are inside.
I am better than that and always will be.
I am safe and I am out of a fairly angry situation. I have my dog. I have bruises which are only just going from my move... you try moving a three seater sofa on your own... and I have my sanity.
I have friends who are true friends... They're there for me at the drop of a hat. I have picked up a few days work with a great company up here, but it's not permanent, but it's been good to do something. There's another job in the pipeline.
My friends aren't 'temporary'... they're people who understand me and know me... which is more than can be said for other people who've passed through my life recently. I've been shocked at how shallow and sad some people have turned out to be... but I believe in karma and know they will get exactly what they deserve... They are the sum total of all their thoughts and decisions to this day... as are we all.
My anniversary of being here for two years was overshadowed by all of this, and so it went by in a blur. I haven't applied for my citizenship after it was suggested that this (as well as a house and a car) was the only reason that I'd got married in the first place...
So that has taken all the joy out of it for me really. I have no desire to do it, but I suppose I must so that I have the right to stay in the same country as my children. There's no joy in the thought of being an Australian for me, right now. I hope that will change.
I love where I am. I'm trying to get my life sorted out... trying to work out what it is I want to do, trying to survive financially, trying to stay bright and happy and trying to take care of myself and stay reasonable and balanced.
I'm sometimes glad to be on my own and not working every day... and then other days I realise that work is what keeps me going and I need to get out and stop thinking ...
I love the mountains, I have no regrets moving here. I love the people here and the opportunities this beautiful place presents me with my photography and life for my children...
Things I learned...
Emigration won't ever save a marriage. If it's not good before, it won't be afterwards.
People you thought you knew change to different people when you go through a marriage break up and that's a shock.
You might lose friends...
Stress can kill love.
Organise your move so that you have time left to twiddle your thumbs at the end of it. Pick the time you think you need and then double it. Oh, and then double it again.
Save money. Don't care how much you earn, save something.
I suppose after 13 years of marriage I never thought I'd be struggling like this. Giving up stuff to look after children really doesn't give you any benefit apart, of course, from having incredibly precious moments raising small people that will be with you until you die. I can't look back on my marriage and think that nothing has come of it because it has. I have these three incredible people in my life which I have raised. I can look at them and be happy that I did that.
I'm older and wiser for it all... A lot has happened in two years of Australia and I know a lot more is to come.
This is where I am happy and this is home.
I came to Australia for several reasons... there was no single thing that bought me here.
For a start, I'd married an Australian and so that meant a spouse visa for me and therefore somewhat easy for us all to get here, not like some of you folks who go through hell and high water with your visa's.
The other reasons were family... so my kids could see their uncles and grandparents... though my family were in the UK, they seemed not to be that family oriented. I could go for 6 months without seeing them... and whilst I love my family, I wanted more for my children... more family. They happened to be in Australia...
And then, things had become difficult in the UK... our business died after the 9/11 thing, joint venture was cancelled... clients used the tragedy as an excuse to pull out or not to pay... We'd bought out house only a couple of months earlier... who knew?
I'd had a baby whilst in very poor physical condition, and we'd both nearly died at the birth. I desperately wanted to try to have my baby naturally, as with two prior (unnecessary) c-sections, we hired a private midwife and she was looking after me, yet during all this, I had an undiagnosed thyroid condition (Hashimoto's thyroiditis - an auto immune condition which meant my immune system was attacking my thyroid) which meant that during the pregnancy I had no energy whatsoever (even the dusting wore me out) and yet people would say 'Of course you have no energy... you have two children and you're pregnant!' (because I hadn't noticed
)Had the thyroid thing been spotted and treated, things would probably have been so much better, but as it happens, they weren't.
I am told that during that time, I was intolerable to live with... I had symptoms of depression, I was pregnant, exhausted, short tempered, angry and struggling, really struggling to get through each day. Thyroid problems do that to you. I was ill, there was nothing I could do, though I tried my best. We both did.
The stress from our business collapse was huge. We had no money and it was a struggle to feed the kids... yet even in our best times, where the company was generating a lot of money, we never saved ... we just lived according to our means so our lack of forward planning really screwed us over.
Apart from the money, my other half contracted a hideous virus which had him so ill that he had to move to another bed because of the sweats. He went to hospital once or twice, he was so ill. It seemed to last for weeks...
I was diagnosed as having depression and it seemed that everyone breathed a sigh of relief ... finally there was a name for what was wrong with me.... I went onto Prozac and felt a bit better for a while. We came for a holiday to Aus, to see family. At the end of it, I came off the Prozac... it wasn't the answer.
Further research on the internet showed I possibly had a thyroid condition and that's when I tried to get help from the doc.
Things picked up a bit... My OH got a regular job with a great company which meant we were able to scrape ourselves out of our financial hole with regular money coming in... but things had happened in all that time, things that fundamentally affected our relationship and things were bad.
We first talked about coming back to the Blue Mountains about two years before it happened. My OH was coming over on business and it seemed like a really good idea that he might do a reccie on the schools in the area.
My OH had left the area to travel and had never really gone back as an adult with children... He'd never looked at it as somewhere he might be happy in, because he was happy living in the UK.
He agreed to look and that's when the idea became more than just a 'nice thought'.
Our move to Aus was pretty stressful. As usual, there wasn't enough organisation.. Two weeks is not enough time to pack up 11 years of life into boxes. So much stuff went to the tip... kid's stuff which had I had the time again, I'd have bought. There was other stuff. It was heartbreaking to leave some of it... especially knowing it went to the tip. I hope someone really benefited from our stuff ...
But you know it's just stuff... it's just stuff which has memories and in the end, you let it go... and you let the frustration go... in theory.
We arrived in Aus on Easter day. The weather was beautiful, the skies clear, not a cloud. It felt like I'd come home.
The kids started school and I only had my youngest little dude to look after and we had a rental house. It was damp and cold during the winter (Blue Mountains weather is pretty European. We don't usually lack rain and it snows occasionally in the winter). I spent 18 months looking for a house for us. I worked out eventually that I'd looked at around 80 houses, driving up and down the mountain road, wasting my time with house after house, until at last we found one.
It was a beautiful heritage listed weather board in Mount Victoria... but three quarters of the way through the sale, we found it was going to have the highway expanded outside the house, and we pulled out of the sale.
My other half took a business trip to the UK... and I was on my own with the kids for a few weeks... I tried to make the best of the house, spending my time unpacking boxes, clearing rooms, organising etc... trying to make the house more of a home.
When my other half returned, it was clear that all was not well between us, but we didn't really know where to take it.
I hated the rental house we were in and after giving up my home in the UK, which I'd renovated for sale, I felt unsettled and down. I hated the damp and felt trapped and unhappy in it.
Then I found a house... and it ticked all the boxes for us.
We took a gamble and offered on it, and got it.
Perhaps... we both thought... we would be happier there.
During this time, we took a few marriage counselling sessions together. The first counsellor was a toss pot and didn't help at all. The second was brutally honest, saying 'Once the trust is gone, it's almost impossible to get it back'... and she felt it was unlikely we could do anything...
But we did it because we had once loved each other and once been happy.
Then my parents arrived to stay for 12 weeks and it was the most stressful time to deal with. They were watching our marriage disintegrate and it must have been difficult for them... but it was difficult for everyone.
When they left, we sat in a counselling session and agreed we were done.
The bottom dropped out of my world. I never thought that it would be me doing this. I never thought I'd screw it up and I got married with the thought, as everyone does, of staying together and being happy... but from early and and throughout the marriage it was obvious looking back that neither of us loved the other how they wanted.
We had one last attempt to really analyse things before we let go... or at least I did... but it was no good and in January of this year, it seemed clear that we were well and truly done.
At first we were 'separated under the same roof', but it was clear that there was no way it was going to work. He wouldn't go so I started to look for a rental... and found one in a nearby village, which has views of the escarpment and a huge garden.
I moved in with the aid of Centrelink, friends and a charity up here. My neighbours were incredibly kind, and a delivery guy stopped and helped bring furniture down my driveway and into my house out of the kindness of his heart.
For those of you contemplating such a move, Centrelink can help you with an 'emergency' payment if you need to move out of a situation quickly, as I did. Not only that, but there also exists help for women which is not immediately obvious... especially if you find yourself in a situation which is disintegrating into something beyond your control.
There's a family payment, and there's help with your rent. And then there's child support.
Legally, it's also the ex spouse's responsibility in NSW to provide your rental bond... but there's also help from the Housing Association available... it all depends on your personal circumstances.
When you receive Centrelink help, you also get a card, which gets you a percentage off your train travel and bus travel. Pharmacy stuff too and other discounts. Every little bit helps.
So how are things?
I early killed myself with stress getting into this house. I had no idea if I could scrape together the money for my rent and bills each month, given that I'd left one job because of the stress of it was ridiculous and therefore had no job when I rented. The agents were kind and knew me... and they gave me a chance. So far, so good.
Moving house on my own, moving out of the house that took me 18 months to find... so so very difficult. Heartbreaking actually.
Moving out of my children's main home... horrid. Utterly horrid, trying to keep a bright and happy spin on it... so very difficult.
Trying to be forgiving and remain generous whilst the OH descended into abusive anger... terrible.
Trying to keep a lid on my emotions whilst an ex friend of mine slandered my name around the mountains? Unbelievably difficult, but I now have legal advice on that and am debating whether to act or not.
Watching my husband join in with the ex friend's slander, utterly soul destroying.
Am I surviving? Yes, because this won't kill me, is the simple answer. Sometimes it's like a roller coaster of emotion.... and running out of money is hideous. I have not been able to buy my thyroid meds this month and have had to take thyroxine just to get by as I had some left from a prior prescription... so I'm dealing with breakthrough thyroid symptoms until I can afford to purchase some more, but this is a case of priorites...
My ex still owes me for the rest of my bond... yet this weekend he's holding a party for his friends ... and my ex 'friend' who's slandered me around the mts is doing the catering for it, at his request. It makes me want to puke that last week I could only just scrape enough money together to buy the basics for my children and that my money's probably funding his party this Sunday. It makes me puke that she's in my house.
But how angry can you be? And what's the point? It only eats you up and destroys the person you are inside.
I am better than that and always will be.
I am safe and I am out of a fairly angry situation. I have my dog. I have bruises which are only just going from my move... you try moving a three seater sofa on your own... and I have my sanity.
I have friends who are true friends... They're there for me at the drop of a hat. I have picked up a few days work with a great company up here, but it's not permanent, but it's been good to do something. There's another job in the pipeline.
My friends aren't 'temporary'... they're people who understand me and know me... which is more than can be said for other people who've passed through my life recently. I've been shocked at how shallow and sad some people have turned out to be... but I believe in karma and know they will get exactly what they deserve... They are the sum total of all their thoughts and decisions to this day... as are we all.
My anniversary of being here for two years was overshadowed by all of this, and so it went by in a blur. I haven't applied for my citizenship after it was suggested that this (as well as a house and a car) was the only reason that I'd got married in the first place...
So that has taken all the joy out of it for me really. I have no desire to do it, but I suppose I must so that I have the right to stay in the same country as my children. There's no joy in the thought of being an Australian for me, right now. I hope that will change.I love where I am. I'm trying to get my life sorted out... trying to work out what it is I want to do, trying to survive financially, trying to stay bright and happy and trying to take care of myself and stay reasonable and balanced.
I'm sometimes glad to be on my own and not working every day... and then other days I realise that work is what keeps me going and I need to get out and stop thinking ...
I love the mountains, I have no regrets moving here. I love the people here and the opportunities this beautiful place presents me with my photography and life for my children...
Things I learned...
Emigration won't ever save a marriage. If it's not good before, it won't be afterwards.
People you thought you knew change to different people when you go through a marriage break up and that's a shock.
You might lose friends...
Stress can kill love.
Organise your move so that you have time left to twiddle your thumbs at the end of it. Pick the time you think you need and then double it. Oh, and then double it again.
Save money. Don't care how much you earn, save something.
I suppose after 13 years of marriage I never thought I'd be struggling like this. Giving up stuff to look after children really doesn't give you any benefit apart, of course, from having incredibly precious moments raising small people that will be with you until you die. I can't look back on my marriage and think that nothing has come of it because it has. I have these three incredible people in my life which I have raised. I can look at them and be happy that I did that.
I'm older and wiser for it all... A lot has happened in two years of Australia and I know a lot more is to come.
This is where I am happy and this is home.
Apr 9th 2008, 11:01 am
#2
Marie
Joined: Nov 2006
Location: Thornlands, Brisbane
Posts: 83
Re: Two Years in Australia
You should be very proud of yourself to get through all of that in two years, it can only get better from here and I am sure with the help of your friends and children the next two year update will show how far you have come. Good luck with it all!
Apr 9th 2008, 11:37 am
#3
Forum Regular
Joined: Jan 2008
Location: Sambourne, Midlands UK
Posts: 88
Re: Two Years in Australia
Tiddlypom, what a great post, thank you for sharing your experience....Having been through a marriage breakup myself a few of your comments hit home with me and it brought a tear to my eye.
Know how hard it is to 'begin again' but to do that in a strange country by yourself really took some guts and i can't imagine how i would've coped So glad you do have some good friends ( you certainly find out who they are at times like this
) and that you got help from Centrelink etc.
Be proud of what you have achieved and coped with, things will get better and you will find the happiness you deserve. I wish you and your children all the best for the future, and if you have the odd moment (amidst the chaos) keep us updated
Carole
Know how hard it is to 'begin again' but to do that in a strange country by yourself really took some guts and i can't imagine how i would've coped
So glad you do have some good friends ( you certainly find out who they are at times like this ) and that you got help from Centrelink etc.Be proud of what you have achieved and coped with, things will get better and you will find the happiness you deserve. I wish you and your children all the best for the future, and if you have the odd moment (amidst the chaos) keep us updated
Carole
Apr 9th 2008, 12:31 pm
#4
destination Cairns
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,839
Re: Two Years in Australia
Thanks for sharing, here's a big hug 
Apr 9th 2008, 1:27 pm
#5
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jul 2007
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 687
Re: Two Years in Australia
Thanks for sharing your experiences, reading it made me quite tearful
and i just wanted to say how incredibly brave and strong you are to have come through all of your hard times.
Here's wishing you and your children a happy and healthy future.
and i just wanted to say how incredibly brave and strong you are to have come through all of your hard times.
Here's wishing you and your children a happy and healthy future.
Apr 9th 2008, 1:36 pm
#6
poole ,dorset . love it
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,281
Re: Two Years in Australia
It's hard to know what to say or where to start given where I find myself now.
I came to Australia for several reasons... there was no single thing that bought me here.
For a start, I'd married an Australian and so that meant a spouse visa for me and therefore somewhat easy for us all to get here, not like some of you folks who go through hell and high water with your visa's.
The other reasons were family... so my kids could see their uncles and grandparents... though my family were in the UK, they seemed not to be that family oriented. I could go for 6 months without seeing them... and whilst I love my family, I wanted more for my children... more family. They happened to be in Australia...
And then, things had become difficult in the UK... our business died after the 9/11 thing, joint venture was cancelled... clients used the tragedy as an excuse to pull out or not to pay... We'd bought out house only a couple of months earlier... who knew?
I'd had a baby whilst in very poor physical condition, and we'd both nearly died at the birth. I desperately wanted to try to have my baby naturally, as with two prior (unnecessary) c-sections, we hired a private midwife and she was looking after me, yet during all this, I had an undiagnosed thyroid condition (Hashimoto's thyroiditis - an auto immune condition which meant my immune system was attacking my thyroid) which meant that during the pregnancy I had no energy whatsoever (even the dusting wore me out) and yet people would say 'Of course you have no energy... you have two children and you're pregnant!' (because I hadn't noticed )
Had the thyroid thing been spotted and treated, things would probably have been so much better, but as it happens, they weren't.
I am told that during that time, I was intolerable to live with... I had symptoms of depression, I was pregnant, exhausted, short tempered, angry and struggling, really struggling to get through each day. Thyroid problems do that to you. I was ill, there was nothing I could do, though I tried my best. We both did.
The stress from our business collapse was huge. We had no money and it was a struggle to feed the kids... yet even in our best times, where the company was generating a lot of money, we never saved ... we just lived according to our means so our lack of forward planning really screwed us over.
Apart from the money, my other half contracted a hideous virus which had him so ill that he had to move to another bed because of the sweats. He went to hospital once or twice, he was so ill. It seemed to last for weeks...
I was diagnosed as having depression and it seemed that everyone breathed a sigh of relief ... finally there was a name for what was wrong with me.... I went onto Prozac and felt a bit better for a while. We came for a holiday to Aus, to see family. At the end of it, I came off the Prozac... it wasn't the answer.
Further research on the internet showed I possibly had a thyroid condition and that's when I tried to get help from the doc.
Things picked up a bit... My OH got a regular job with a great company which meant we were able to scrape ourselves out of our financial hole with regular money coming in... but things had happened in all that time, things that fundamentally affected our relationship and things were bad.
We first talked about coming back to the Blue Mountains about two years before it happened. My OH was coming over on business and it seemed like a really good idea that he might do a reccie on the schools in the area.
My OH had left the area to travel and had never really gone back as an adult with children... He'd never looked at it as somewhere he might be happy in, because he was happy living in the UK.
He agreed to look and that's when the idea became more than just a 'nice thought'.
Our move to Aus was pretty stressful. As usual, there wasn't enough organisation.. Two weeks is not enough time to pack up 11 years of life into boxes. So much stuff went to the tip... kid's stuff which had I had the time again, I'd have bought. There was other stuff. It was heartbreaking to leave some of it... especially knowing it went to the tip. I hope someone really benefited from our stuff ...
But you know it's just stuff... it's just stuff which has memories and in the end, you let it go... and you let the frustration go... in theory.
We arrived in Aus on Easter day. The weather was beautiful, the skies clear, not a cloud. It felt like I'd come home.
The kids started school and I only had my youngest little dude to look after and we had a rental house. It was damp and cold during the winter (Blue Mountains weather is pretty European. We don't usually lack rain and it snows occasionally in the winter). I spent 18 months looking for a house for us. I worked out eventually that I'd looked at around 80 houses, driving up and down the mountain road, wasting my time with house after house, until at last we found one.
It was a beautiful heritage listed weather board in Mount Victoria... but three quarters of the way through the sale, we found it was going to have the highway expanded outside the house, and we pulled out of the sale.
My other half took a business trip to the UK... and I was on my own with the kids for a few weeks... I tried to make the best of the house, spending my time unpacking boxes, clearing rooms, organising etc... trying to make the house more of a home.
When my other half returned, it was clear that all was not well between us, but we didn't really know where to take it.
I hated the rental house we were in and after giving up my home in the UK, which I'd renovated for sale, I felt unsettled and down. I hated the damp and felt trapped and unhappy in it.
Then I found a house... and it ticked all the boxes for us.
We took a gamble and offered on it, and got it.
Perhaps... we both thought... we would be happier there.
During this time, we took a few marriage counselling sessions together. The first counsellor was a toss pot and didn't help at all. The second was brutally honest, saying 'Once the trust is gone, it's almost impossible to get it back'... and she felt it was unlikely we could do anything...
But we did it because we had once loved each other and once been happy.
Then my parents arrived to stay for 12 weeks and it was the most stressful time to deal with. They were watching our marriage disintegrate and it must have been difficult for them... but it was difficult for everyone.
When they left, we sat in a counselling session and agreed we were done.
The bottom dropped out of my world. I never thought that it would be me doing this. I never thought I'd screw it up and I got married with the thought, as everyone does, of staying together and being happy... but from early and and throughout the marriage it was obvious looking back that neither of us loved the other how they wanted.
We had one last attempt to really analyse things before we let go... or at least I did... but it was no good and in January of this year, it seemed clear that we were well and truly done.
At first we were 'separated under the same roof', but it was clear that there was no way it was going to work. He wouldn't go so I started to look for a rental... and found one in a nearby village, which has views of the escarpment and a huge garden.
I moved in with the aid of Centrelink, friends and a charity up here. My neighbours were incredibly kind, and a delivery guy stopped and helped bring furniture down my driveway and into my house out of the kindness of his heart.
For those of you contemplating such a move, Centrelink can help you with an 'emergency' payment if you need to move out of a situation quickly, as I did. Not only that, but there also exists help for women which is not immediately obvious... especially if you find yourself in a situation which is disintegrating into something beyond your control.
There's a family payment, and there's help with your rent. And then there's child support.
Legally, it's also the ex spouse's responsibility in NSW to provide your rental bond... but there's also help from the Housing Association available... it all depends on your personal circumstances.
When you receive Centrelink help, you also get a card, which gets you a percentage off your train travel and bus travel. Pharmacy stuff too and other discounts. Every little bit helps.
So how are things?
I early killed myself with stress getting into this house. I had no idea if I could scrape together the money for my rent and bills each month, given that I'd left one job because of the stress of it was ridiculous and therefore had no job when I rented. The agents were kind and knew me... and they gave me a chance. So far, so good.
Moving house on my own, moving out of the house that took me 18 months to find... so so very difficult. Heartbreaking actually.
Moving out of my children's main home... horrid. Utterly horrid, trying to keep a bright and happy spin on it... so very difficult.
Trying to be forgiving and remain generous whilst the OH descended into abusive anger... terrible.
Trying to keep a lid on my emotions whilst an ex friend of mine slandered my name around the mountains? Unbelievably difficult, but I now have legal advice on that and am debating whether to act or not.
Watching my husband join in with the ex friend's slander, utterly soul destroying.
Am I surviving? Yes, because this won't kill me, is the simple answer. Sometimes it's like a roller coaster of emotion.... and running out of money is hideous. I have not been able to buy my thyroid meds this month and have had to take thyroxine just to get by as I had some left from a prior prescription... so I'm dealing with breakthrough thyroid symptoms until I can afford to purchase some more, but this is a case of priorites...
My ex still owes me for the rest of my bond... yet this weekend he's holding a party for his friends ... and my ex 'friend' who's slandered me around the mts is doing the catering for it, at his request. It makes me want to puke that last week I could only just scrape enough money together to buy the basics for my children and that my money's probably funding his party this Sunday. It makes me puke that she's in my house.
But how angry can you be? And what's the point? It only eats you up and destroys the person you are inside.
I am better than that and always will be.
I am safe and I am out of a fairly angry situation. I have my dog. I have bruises which are only just going from my move... you try moving a three seater sofa on your own... and I have my sanity.
I have friends who are true friends... They're there for me at the drop of a hat. I have picked up a few days work with a great company up here, but it's not permanent, but it's been good to do something. There's another job in the pipeline.
My friends aren't 'temporary'... they're people who understand me and know me... which is more than can be said for other people who've passed through my life recently. I've been shocked at how shallow and sad some people have turned out to be... but I believe in karma and know they will get exactly what they deserve... They are the sum total of all their thoughts and decisions to this day... as are we all.
My anniversary of being here for two years was overshadowed by all of this, and so it went by in a blur. I haven't applied for my citizenship after it was suggested that this (as well as a house and a car) was the only reason that I'd got married in the first place... So that has taken all the joy out of it for me really. I have no desire to do it, but I suppose I must so that I have the right to stay in the same country as my children. There's no joy in the thought of being an Australian for me, right now. I hope that will change.
I love where I am. I'm trying to get my life sorted out... trying to work out what it is I want to do, trying to survive financially, trying to stay bright and happy and trying to take care of myself and stay reasonable and balanced.
I'm sometimes glad to be on my own and not working every day... and then other days I realise that work is what keeps me going and I need to get out and stop thinking ...
I love the mountains, I have no regrets moving here. I love the people here and the opportunities this beautiful place presents me with my photography and life for my children...
Things I learned...
Emigration won't ever save a marriage. If it's not good before, it won't be afterwards.
People you thought you knew change to different people when you go through a marriage break up and that's a shock.
You might lose friends...
Stress can kill love.
Organise your move so that you have time left to twiddle your thumbs at the end of it. Pick the time you think you need and then double it. Oh, and then double it again.
Save money. Don't care how much you earn, save something.
I suppose after 13 years of marriage I never thought I'd be struggling like this. Giving up stuff to look after children really doesn't give you any benefit apart, of course, from having incredibly precious moments raising small people that will be with you until you die. I can't look back on my marriage and think that nothing has come of it because it has. I have these three incredible people in my life which I have raised. I can look at them and be happy that I did that.
I'm older and wiser for it all... A lot has happened in two years of Australia and I know a lot more is to come.
This is where I am happy and this is home.
I came to Australia for several reasons... there was no single thing that bought me here.
For a start, I'd married an Australian and so that meant a spouse visa for me and therefore somewhat easy for us all to get here, not like some of you folks who go through hell and high water with your visa's.
The other reasons were family... so my kids could see their uncles and grandparents... though my family were in the UK, they seemed not to be that family oriented. I could go for 6 months without seeing them... and whilst I love my family, I wanted more for my children... more family. They happened to be in Australia...
And then, things had become difficult in the UK... our business died after the 9/11 thing, joint venture was cancelled... clients used the tragedy as an excuse to pull out or not to pay... We'd bought out house only a couple of months earlier... who knew?
I'd had a baby whilst in very poor physical condition, and we'd both nearly died at the birth. I desperately wanted to try to have my baby naturally, as with two prior (unnecessary) c-sections, we hired a private midwife and she was looking after me, yet during all this, I had an undiagnosed thyroid condition (Hashimoto's thyroiditis - an auto immune condition which meant my immune system was attacking my thyroid) which meant that during the pregnancy I had no energy whatsoever (even the dusting wore me out) and yet people would say 'Of course you have no energy... you have two children and you're pregnant!' (because I hadn't noticed
)Had the thyroid thing been spotted and treated, things would probably have been so much better, but as it happens, they weren't.
I am told that during that time, I was intolerable to live with... I had symptoms of depression, I was pregnant, exhausted, short tempered, angry and struggling, really struggling to get through each day. Thyroid problems do that to you. I was ill, there was nothing I could do, though I tried my best. We both did.
The stress from our business collapse was huge. We had no money and it was a struggle to feed the kids... yet even in our best times, where the company was generating a lot of money, we never saved ... we just lived according to our means so our lack of forward planning really screwed us over.
Apart from the money, my other half contracted a hideous virus which had him so ill that he had to move to another bed because of the sweats. He went to hospital once or twice, he was so ill. It seemed to last for weeks...
I was diagnosed as having depression and it seemed that everyone breathed a sigh of relief ... finally there was a name for what was wrong with me.... I went onto Prozac and felt a bit better for a while. We came for a holiday to Aus, to see family. At the end of it, I came off the Prozac... it wasn't the answer.
Further research on the internet showed I possibly had a thyroid condition and that's when I tried to get help from the doc.
Things picked up a bit... My OH got a regular job with a great company which meant we were able to scrape ourselves out of our financial hole with regular money coming in... but things had happened in all that time, things that fundamentally affected our relationship and things were bad.
We first talked about coming back to the Blue Mountains about two years before it happened. My OH was coming over on business and it seemed like a really good idea that he might do a reccie on the schools in the area.
My OH had left the area to travel and had never really gone back as an adult with children... He'd never looked at it as somewhere he might be happy in, because he was happy living in the UK.
He agreed to look and that's when the idea became more than just a 'nice thought'.
Our move to Aus was pretty stressful. As usual, there wasn't enough organisation.. Two weeks is not enough time to pack up 11 years of life into boxes. So much stuff went to the tip... kid's stuff which had I had the time again, I'd have bought. There was other stuff. It was heartbreaking to leave some of it... especially knowing it went to the tip. I hope someone really benefited from our stuff ...
But you know it's just stuff... it's just stuff which has memories and in the end, you let it go... and you let the frustration go... in theory.
We arrived in Aus on Easter day. The weather was beautiful, the skies clear, not a cloud. It felt like I'd come home.
The kids started school and I only had my youngest little dude to look after and we had a rental house. It was damp and cold during the winter (Blue Mountains weather is pretty European. We don't usually lack rain and it snows occasionally in the winter). I spent 18 months looking for a house for us. I worked out eventually that I'd looked at around 80 houses, driving up and down the mountain road, wasting my time with house after house, until at last we found one.
It was a beautiful heritage listed weather board in Mount Victoria... but three quarters of the way through the sale, we found it was going to have the highway expanded outside the house, and we pulled out of the sale.
My other half took a business trip to the UK... and I was on my own with the kids for a few weeks... I tried to make the best of the house, spending my time unpacking boxes, clearing rooms, organising etc... trying to make the house more of a home.
When my other half returned, it was clear that all was not well between us, but we didn't really know where to take it.
I hated the rental house we were in and after giving up my home in the UK, which I'd renovated for sale, I felt unsettled and down. I hated the damp and felt trapped and unhappy in it.
Then I found a house... and it ticked all the boxes for us.
We took a gamble and offered on it, and got it.
Perhaps... we both thought... we would be happier there.
During this time, we took a few marriage counselling sessions together. The first counsellor was a toss pot and didn't help at all. The second was brutally honest, saying 'Once the trust is gone, it's almost impossible to get it back'... and she felt it was unlikely we could do anything...
But we did it because we had once loved each other and once been happy.
Then my parents arrived to stay for 12 weeks and it was the most stressful time to deal with. They were watching our marriage disintegrate and it must have been difficult for them... but it was difficult for everyone.
When they left, we sat in a counselling session and agreed we were done.
The bottom dropped out of my world. I never thought that it would be me doing this. I never thought I'd screw it up and I got married with the thought, as everyone does, of staying together and being happy... but from early and and throughout the marriage it was obvious looking back that neither of us loved the other how they wanted.
We had one last attempt to really analyse things before we let go... or at least I did... but it was no good and in January of this year, it seemed clear that we were well and truly done.
At first we were 'separated under the same roof', but it was clear that there was no way it was going to work. He wouldn't go so I started to look for a rental... and found one in a nearby village, which has views of the escarpment and a huge garden.
I moved in with the aid of Centrelink, friends and a charity up here. My neighbours were incredibly kind, and a delivery guy stopped and helped bring furniture down my driveway and into my house out of the kindness of his heart.
For those of you contemplating such a move, Centrelink can help you with an 'emergency' payment if you need to move out of a situation quickly, as I did. Not only that, but there also exists help for women which is not immediately obvious... especially if you find yourself in a situation which is disintegrating into something beyond your control.
There's a family payment, and there's help with your rent. And then there's child support.
Legally, it's also the ex spouse's responsibility in NSW to provide your rental bond... but there's also help from the Housing Association available... it all depends on your personal circumstances.
When you receive Centrelink help, you also get a card, which gets you a percentage off your train travel and bus travel. Pharmacy stuff too and other discounts. Every little bit helps.
So how are things?
I early killed myself with stress getting into this house. I had no idea if I could scrape together the money for my rent and bills each month, given that I'd left one job because of the stress of it was ridiculous and therefore had no job when I rented. The agents were kind and knew me... and they gave me a chance. So far, so good.
Moving house on my own, moving out of the house that took me 18 months to find... so so very difficult. Heartbreaking actually.
Moving out of my children's main home... horrid. Utterly horrid, trying to keep a bright and happy spin on it... so very difficult.
Trying to be forgiving and remain generous whilst the OH descended into abusive anger... terrible.
Trying to keep a lid on my emotions whilst an ex friend of mine slandered my name around the mountains? Unbelievably difficult, but I now have legal advice on that and am debating whether to act or not.
Watching my husband join in with the ex friend's slander, utterly soul destroying.
Am I surviving? Yes, because this won't kill me, is the simple answer. Sometimes it's like a roller coaster of emotion.... and running out of money is hideous. I have not been able to buy my thyroid meds this month and have had to take thyroxine just to get by as I had some left from a prior prescription... so I'm dealing with breakthrough thyroid symptoms until I can afford to purchase some more, but this is a case of priorites...
My ex still owes me for the rest of my bond... yet this weekend he's holding a party for his friends ... and my ex 'friend' who's slandered me around the mts is doing the catering for it, at his request. It makes me want to puke that last week I could only just scrape enough money together to buy the basics for my children and that my money's probably funding his party this Sunday. It makes me puke that she's in my house.
But how angry can you be? And what's the point? It only eats you up and destroys the person you are inside.
I am better than that and always will be.
I am safe and I am out of a fairly angry situation. I have my dog. I have bruises which are only just going from my move... you try moving a three seater sofa on your own... and I have my sanity.
I have friends who are true friends... They're there for me at the drop of a hat. I have picked up a few days work with a great company up here, but it's not permanent, but it's been good to do something. There's another job in the pipeline.
My friends aren't 'temporary'... they're people who understand me and know me... which is more than can be said for other people who've passed through my life recently. I've been shocked at how shallow and sad some people have turned out to be... but I believe in karma and know they will get exactly what they deserve... They are the sum total of all their thoughts and decisions to this day... as are we all.
My anniversary of being here for two years was overshadowed by all of this, and so it went by in a blur. I haven't applied for my citizenship after it was suggested that this (as well as a house and a car) was the only reason that I'd got married in the first place...
So that has taken all the joy out of it for me really. I have no desire to do it, but I suppose I must so that I have the right to stay in the same country as my children. There's no joy in the thought of being an Australian for me, right now. I hope that will change.I love where I am. I'm trying to get my life sorted out... trying to work out what it is I want to do, trying to survive financially, trying to stay bright and happy and trying to take care of myself and stay reasonable and balanced.
I'm sometimes glad to be on my own and not working every day... and then other days I realise that work is what keeps me going and I need to get out and stop thinking ...
I love the mountains, I have no regrets moving here. I love the people here and the opportunities this beautiful place presents me with my photography and life for my children...
Things I learned...
Emigration won't ever save a marriage. If it's not good before, it won't be afterwards.
People you thought you knew change to different people when you go through a marriage break up and that's a shock.
You might lose friends...
Stress can kill love.
Organise your move so that you have time left to twiddle your thumbs at the end of it. Pick the time you think you need and then double it. Oh, and then double it again.
Save money. Don't care how much you earn, save something.
I suppose after 13 years of marriage I never thought I'd be struggling like this. Giving up stuff to look after children really doesn't give you any benefit apart, of course, from having incredibly precious moments raising small people that will be with you until you die. I can't look back on my marriage and think that nothing has come of it because it has. I have these three incredible people in my life which I have raised. I can look at them and be happy that I did that.
I'm older and wiser for it all... A lot has happened in two years of Australia and I know a lot more is to come.
This is where I am happy and this is home.
Apr 9th 2008, 3:01 pm
#7
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 364
Re: Two Years in Australia
good luck to you in the future, i wish you loads of luck, you deserve it
cheryl
cheryl
Apr 9th 2008, 3:16 pm
#8
Im here to help :)
Joined: Sep 2007
Location: Flying to the Gold Coast 3rd July to live the dream - woo hoo!!!!!!!!
Posts: 272
Re: Two Years in Australia
It's hard to know what to say or where to start given where I find myself now.
I came to Australia for several reasons... there was no single thing that bought me here.
For a start, I'd married an Australian and so that meant a spouse visa for me and therefore somewhat easy for us all to get here, not like some of you folks who go through hell and high water with your visa's.
The other reasons were family... so my kids could see their uncles and grandparents... though my family were in the UK, they seemed not to be that family oriented. I could go for 6 months without seeing them... and whilst I love my family, I wanted more for my children... more family. They happened to be in Australia...
And then, things had become difficult in the UK... our business died after the 9/11 thing, joint venture was cancelled... clients used the tragedy as an excuse to pull out or not to pay... We'd bought out house only a couple of months earlier... who knew?
I'd had a baby whilst in very poor physical condition, and we'd both nearly died at the birth. I desperately wanted to try to have my baby naturally, as with two prior (unnecessary) c-sections, we hired a private midwife and she was looking after me, yet during all this, I had an undiagnosed thyroid condition (Hashimoto's thyroiditis - an auto immune condition which meant my immune system was attacking my thyroid) which meant that during the pregnancy I had no energy whatsoever (even the dusting wore me out) and yet people would say 'Of course you have no energy... you have two children and you're pregnant!' (because I hadn't noticed )
Had the thyroid thing been spotted and treated, things would probably have been so much better, but as it happens, they weren't.
I am told that during that time, I was intolerable to live with... I had symptoms of depression, I was pregnant, exhausted, short tempered, angry and struggling, really struggling to get through each day. Thyroid problems do that to you. I was ill, there was nothing I could do, though I tried my best. We both did.
The stress from our business collapse was huge. We had no money and it was a struggle to feed the kids... yet even in our best times, where the company was generating a lot of money, we never saved ... we just lived according to our means so our lack of forward planning really screwed us over.
Apart from the money, my other half contracted a hideous virus which had him so ill that he had to move to another bed because of the sweats. He went to hospital once or twice, he was so ill. It seemed to last for weeks...
I was diagnosed as having depression and it seemed that everyone breathed a sigh of relief ... finally there was a name for what was wrong with me.... I went onto Prozac and felt a bit better for a while. We came for a holiday to Aus, to see family. At the end of it, I came off the Prozac... it wasn't the answer.
Further research on the internet showed I possibly had a thyroid condition and that's when I tried to get help from the doc.
Things picked up a bit... My OH got a regular job with a great company which meant we were able to scrape ourselves out of our financial hole with regular money coming in... but things had happened in all that time, things that fundamentally affected our relationship and things were bad.
We first talked about coming back to the Blue Mountains about two years before it happened. My OH was coming over on business and it seemed like a really good idea that he might do a reccie on the schools in the area.
My OH had left the area to travel and had never really gone back as an adult with children... He'd never looked at it as somewhere he might be happy in, because he was happy living in the UK.
He agreed to look and that's when the idea became more than just a 'nice thought'.
Our move to Aus was pretty stressful. As usual, there wasn't enough organisation.. Two weeks is not enough time to pack up 11 years of life into boxes. So much stuff went to the tip... kid's stuff which had I had the time again, I'd have bought. There was other stuff. It was heartbreaking to leave some of it... especially knowing it went to the tip. I hope someone really benefited from our stuff ...
But you know it's just stuff... it's just stuff which has memories and in the end, you let it go... and you let the frustration go... in theory.
We arrived in Aus on Easter day. The weather was beautiful, the skies clear, not a cloud. It felt like I'd come home.
The kids started school and I only had my youngest little dude to look after and we had a rental house. It was damp and cold during the winter (Blue Mountains weather is pretty European. We don't usually lack rain and it snows occasionally in the winter). I spent 18 months looking for a house for us. I worked out eventually that I'd looked at around 80 houses, driving up and down the mountain road, wasting my time with house after house, until at last we found one.
It was a beautiful heritage listed weather board in Mount Victoria... but three quarters of the way through the sale, we found it was going to have the highway expanded outside the house, and we pulled out of the sale.
My other half took a business trip to the UK... and I was on my own with the kids for a few weeks... I tried to make the best of the house, spending my time unpacking boxes, clearing rooms, organising etc... trying to make the house more of a home.
When my other half returned, it was clear that all was not well between us, but we didn't really know where to take it.
I hated the rental house we were in and after giving up my home in the UK, which I'd renovated for sale, I felt unsettled and down. I hated the damp and felt trapped and unhappy in it.
Then I found a house... and it ticked all the boxes for us.
We took a gamble and offered on it, and got it.
Perhaps... we both thought... we would be happier there.
During this time, we took a few marriage counselling sessions together. The first counsellor was a toss pot and didn't help at all. The second was brutally honest, saying 'Once the trust is gone, it's almost impossible to get it back'... and she felt it was unlikely we could do anything...
But we did it because we had once loved each other and once been happy.
Then my parents arrived to stay for 12 weeks and it was the most stressful time to deal with. They were watching our marriage disintegrate and it must have been difficult for them... but it was difficult for everyone.
When they left, we sat in a counselling session and agreed we were done.
The bottom dropped out of my world. I never thought that it would be me doing this. I never thought I'd screw it up and I got married with the thought, as everyone does, of staying together and being happy... but from early and and throughout the marriage it was obvious looking back that neither of us loved the other how they wanted.
We had one last attempt to really analyse things before we let go... or at least I did... but it was no good and in January of this year, it seemed clear that we were well and truly done.
At first we were 'separated under the same roof', but it was clear that there was no way it was going to work. He wouldn't go so I started to look for a rental... and found one in a nearby village, which has views of the escarpment and a huge garden.
I moved in with the aid of Centrelink, friends and a charity up here. My neighbours were incredibly kind, and a delivery guy stopped and helped bring furniture down my driveway and into my house out of the kindness of his heart.
For those of you contemplating such a move, Centrelink can help you with an 'emergency' payment if you need to move out of a situation quickly, as I did. Not only that, but there also exists help for women which is not immediately obvious... especially if you find yourself in a situation which is disintegrating into something beyond your control.
There's a family payment, and there's help with your rent. And then there's child support.
Legally, it's also the ex spouse's responsibility in NSW to provide your rental bond... but there's also help from the Housing Association available... it all depends on your personal circumstances.
When you receive Centrelink help, you also get a card, which gets you a percentage off your train travel and bus travel. Pharmacy stuff too and other discounts. Every little bit helps.
So how are things?
I early killed myself with stress getting into this house. I had no idea if I could scrape together the money for my rent and bills each month, given that I'd left one job because of the stress of it was ridiculous and therefore had no job when I rented. The agents were kind and knew me... and they gave me a chance. So far, so good.
Moving house on my own, moving out of the house that took me 18 months to find... so so very difficult. Heartbreaking actually.
Moving out of my children's main home... horrid. Utterly horrid, trying to keep a bright and happy spin on it... so very difficult.
Trying to be forgiving and remain generous whilst the OH descended into abusive anger... terrible.
Trying to keep a lid on my emotions whilst an ex friend of mine slandered my name around the mountains? Unbelievably difficult, but I now have legal advice on that and am debating whether to act or not.
Watching my husband join in with the ex friend's slander, utterly soul destroying.
Am I surviving? Yes, because this won't kill me, is the simple answer. Sometimes it's like a roller coaster of emotion.... and running out of money is hideous. I have not been able to buy my thyroid meds this month and have had to take thyroxine just to get by as I had some left from a prior prescription... so I'm dealing with breakthrough thyroid symptoms until I can afford to purchase some more, but this is a case of priorites...
My ex still owes me for the rest of my bond... yet this weekend he's holding a party for his friends ... and my ex 'friend' who's slandered me around the mts is doing the catering for it, at his request. It makes me want to puke that last week I could only just scrape enough money together to buy the basics for my children and that my money's probably funding his party this Sunday. It makes me puke that she's in my house.
But how angry can you be? And what's the point? It only eats you up and destroys the person you are inside.
I am better than that and always will be.
I am safe and I am out of a fairly angry situation. I have my dog. I have bruises which are only just going from my move... you try moving a three seater sofa on your own... and I have my sanity.
I have friends who are true friends... They're there for me at the drop of a hat. I have picked up a few days work with a great company up here, but it's not permanent, but it's been good to do something. There's another job in the pipeline.
My friends aren't 'temporary'... they're people who understand me and know me... which is more than can be said for other people who've passed through my life recently. I've been shocked at how shallow and sad some people have turned out to be... but I believe in karma and know they will get exactly what they deserve... They are the sum total of all their thoughts and decisions to this day... as are we all.
My anniversary of being here for two years was overshadowed by all of this, and so it went by in a blur. I haven't applied for my citizenship after it was suggested that this (as well as a house and a car) was the only reason that I'd got married in the first place... So that has taken all the joy out of it for me really. I have no desire to do it, but I suppose I must so that I have the right to stay in the same country as my children. There's no joy in the thought of being an Australian for me, right now. I hope that will change.
I love where I am. I'm trying to get my life sorted out... trying to work out what it is I want to do, trying to survive financially, trying to stay bright and happy and trying to take care of myself and stay reasonable and balanced.
I'm sometimes glad to be on my own and not working every day... and then other days I realise that work is what keeps me going and I need to get out and stop thinking ...
I love the mountains, I have no regrets moving here. I love the people here and the opportunities this beautiful place presents me with my photography and life for my children...
Things I learned...
Emigration won't ever save a marriage. If it's not good before, it won't be afterwards.
People you thought you knew change to different people when you go through a marriage break up and that's a shock.
You might lose friends...
Stress can kill love.
Organise your move so that you have time left to twiddle your thumbs at the end of it. Pick the time you think you need and then double it. Oh, and then double it again.
Save money. Don't care how much you earn, save something.
I suppose after 13 years of marriage I never thought I'd be struggling like this. Giving up stuff to look after children really doesn't give you any benefit apart, of course, from having incredibly precious moments raising small people that will be with you until you die. I can't look back on my marriage and think that nothing has come of it because it has. I have these three incredible people in my life which I have raised. I can look at them and be happy that I did that.
I'm older and wiser for it all... A lot has happened in two years of Australia and I know a lot more is to come.
This is where I am happy and this is home.
I came to Australia for several reasons... there was no single thing that bought me here.
For a start, I'd married an Australian and so that meant a spouse visa for me and therefore somewhat easy for us all to get here, not like some of you folks who go through hell and high water with your visa's.
The other reasons were family... so my kids could see their uncles and grandparents... though my family were in the UK, they seemed not to be that family oriented. I could go for 6 months without seeing them... and whilst I love my family, I wanted more for my children... more family. They happened to be in Australia...
And then, things had become difficult in the UK... our business died after the 9/11 thing, joint venture was cancelled... clients used the tragedy as an excuse to pull out or not to pay... We'd bought out house only a couple of months earlier... who knew?
I'd had a baby whilst in very poor physical condition, and we'd both nearly died at the birth. I desperately wanted to try to have my baby naturally, as with two prior (unnecessary) c-sections, we hired a private midwife and she was looking after me, yet during all this, I had an undiagnosed thyroid condition (Hashimoto's thyroiditis - an auto immune condition which meant my immune system was attacking my thyroid) which meant that during the pregnancy I had no energy whatsoever (even the dusting wore me out) and yet people would say 'Of course you have no energy... you have two children and you're pregnant!' (because I hadn't noticed
)Had the thyroid thing been spotted and treated, things would probably have been so much better, but as it happens, they weren't.
I am told that during that time, I was intolerable to live with... I had symptoms of depression, I was pregnant, exhausted, short tempered, angry and struggling, really struggling to get through each day. Thyroid problems do that to you. I was ill, there was nothing I could do, though I tried my best. We both did.
The stress from our business collapse was huge. We had no money and it was a struggle to feed the kids... yet even in our best times, where the company was generating a lot of money, we never saved ... we just lived according to our means so our lack of forward planning really screwed us over.
Apart from the money, my other half contracted a hideous virus which had him so ill that he had to move to another bed because of the sweats. He went to hospital once or twice, he was so ill. It seemed to last for weeks...
I was diagnosed as having depression and it seemed that everyone breathed a sigh of relief ... finally there was a name for what was wrong with me.... I went onto Prozac and felt a bit better for a while. We came for a holiday to Aus, to see family. At the end of it, I came off the Prozac... it wasn't the answer.
Further research on the internet showed I possibly had a thyroid condition and that's when I tried to get help from the doc.
Things picked up a bit... My OH got a regular job with a great company which meant we were able to scrape ourselves out of our financial hole with regular money coming in... but things had happened in all that time, things that fundamentally affected our relationship and things were bad.
We first talked about coming back to the Blue Mountains about two years before it happened. My OH was coming over on business and it seemed like a really good idea that he might do a reccie on the schools in the area.
My OH had left the area to travel and had never really gone back as an adult with children... He'd never looked at it as somewhere he might be happy in, because he was happy living in the UK.
He agreed to look and that's when the idea became more than just a 'nice thought'.
Our move to Aus was pretty stressful. As usual, there wasn't enough organisation.. Two weeks is not enough time to pack up 11 years of life into boxes. So much stuff went to the tip... kid's stuff which had I had the time again, I'd have bought. There was other stuff. It was heartbreaking to leave some of it... especially knowing it went to the tip. I hope someone really benefited from our stuff ...
But you know it's just stuff... it's just stuff which has memories and in the end, you let it go... and you let the frustration go... in theory.
We arrived in Aus on Easter day. The weather was beautiful, the skies clear, not a cloud. It felt like I'd come home.
The kids started school and I only had my youngest little dude to look after and we had a rental house. It was damp and cold during the winter (Blue Mountains weather is pretty European. We don't usually lack rain and it snows occasionally in the winter). I spent 18 months looking for a house for us. I worked out eventually that I'd looked at around 80 houses, driving up and down the mountain road, wasting my time with house after house, until at last we found one.
It was a beautiful heritage listed weather board in Mount Victoria... but three quarters of the way through the sale, we found it was going to have the highway expanded outside the house, and we pulled out of the sale.
My other half took a business trip to the UK... and I was on my own with the kids for a few weeks... I tried to make the best of the house, spending my time unpacking boxes, clearing rooms, organising etc... trying to make the house more of a home.
When my other half returned, it was clear that all was not well between us, but we didn't really know where to take it.
I hated the rental house we were in and after giving up my home in the UK, which I'd renovated for sale, I felt unsettled and down. I hated the damp and felt trapped and unhappy in it.
Then I found a house... and it ticked all the boxes for us.
We took a gamble and offered on it, and got it.
Perhaps... we both thought... we would be happier there.
During this time, we took a few marriage counselling sessions together. The first counsellor was a toss pot and didn't help at all. The second was brutally honest, saying 'Once the trust is gone, it's almost impossible to get it back'... and she felt it was unlikely we could do anything...
But we did it because we had once loved each other and once been happy.
Then my parents arrived to stay for 12 weeks and it was the most stressful time to deal with. They were watching our marriage disintegrate and it must have been difficult for them... but it was difficult for everyone.
When they left, we sat in a counselling session and agreed we were done.
The bottom dropped out of my world. I never thought that it would be me doing this. I never thought I'd screw it up and I got married with the thought, as everyone does, of staying together and being happy... but from early and and throughout the marriage it was obvious looking back that neither of us loved the other how they wanted.
We had one last attempt to really analyse things before we let go... or at least I did... but it was no good and in January of this year, it seemed clear that we were well and truly done.
At first we were 'separated under the same roof', but it was clear that there was no way it was going to work. He wouldn't go so I started to look for a rental... and found one in a nearby village, which has views of the escarpment and a huge garden.
I moved in with the aid of Centrelink, friends and a charity up here. My neighbours were incredibly kind, and a delivery guy stopped and helped bring furniture down my driveway and into my house out of the kindness of his heart.
For those of you contemplating such a move, Centrelink can help you with an 'emergency' payment if you need to move out of a situation quickly, as I did. Not only that, but there also exists help for women which is not immediately obvious... especially if you find yourself in a situation which is disintegrating into something beyond your control.
There's a family payment, and there's help with your rent. And then there's child support.
Legally, it's also the ex spouse's responsibility in NSW to provide your rental bond... but there's also help from the Housing Association available... it all depends on your personal circumstances.
When you receive Centrelink help, you also get a card, which gets you a percentage off your train travel and bus travel. Pharmacy stuff too and other discounts. Every little bit helps.
So how are things?
I early killed myself with stress getting into this house. I had no idea if I could scrape together the money for my rent and bills each month, given that I'd left one job because of the stress of it was ridiculous and therefore had no job when I rented. The agents were kind and knew me... and they gave me a chance. So far, so good.
Moving house on my own, moving out of the house that took me 18 months to find... so so very difficult. Heartbreaking actually.
Moving out of my children's main home... horrid. Utterly horrid, trying to keep a bright and happy spin on it... so very difficult.
Trying to be forgiving and remain generous whilst the OH descended into abusive anger... terrible.
Trying to keep a lid on my emotions whilst an ex friend of mine slandered my name around the mountains? Unbelievably difficult, but I now have legal advice on that and am debating whether to act or not.
Watching my husband join in with the ex friend's slander, utterly soul destroying.
Am I surviving? Yes, because this won't kill me, is the simple answer. Sometimes it's like a roller coaster of emotion.... and running out of money is hideous. I have not been able to buy my thyroid meds this month and have had to take thyroxine just to get by as I had some left from a prior prescription... so I'm dealing with breakthrough thyroid symptoms until I can afford to purchase some more, but this is a case of priorites...
My ex still owes me for the rest of my bond... yet this weekend he's holding a party for his friends ... and my ex 'friend' who's slandered me around the mts is doing the catering for it, at his request. It makes me want to puke that last week I could only just scrape enough money together to buy the basics for my children and that my money's probably funding his party this Sunday. It makes me puke that she's in my house.
But how angry can you be? And what's the point? It only eats you up and destroys the person you are inside.
I am better than that and always will be.
I am safe and I am out of a fairly angry situation. I have my dog. I have bruises which are only just going from my move... you try moving a three seater sofa on your own... and I have my sanity.
I have friends who are true friends... They're there for me at the drop of a hat. I have picked up a few days work with a great company up here, but it's not permanent, but it's been good to do something. There's another job in the pipeline.
My friends aren't 'temporary'... they're people who understand me and know me... which is more than can be said for other people who've passed through my life recently. I've been shocked at how shallow and sad some people have turned out to be... but I believe in karma and know they will get exactly what they deserve... They are the sum total of all their thoughts and decisions to this day... as are we all.
My anniversary of being here for two years was overshadowed by all of this, and so it went by in a blur. I haven't applied for my citizenship after it was suggested that this (as well as a house and a car) was the only reason that I'd got married in the first place...
So that has taken all the joy out of it for me really. I have no desire to do it, but I suppose I must so that I have the right to stay in the same country as my children. There's no joy in the thought of being an Australian for me, right now. I hope that will change.I love where I am. I'm trying to get my life sorted out... trying to work out what it is I want to do, trying to survive financially, trying to stay bright and happy and trying to take care of myself and stay reasonable and balanced.
I'm sometimes glad to be on my own and not working every day... and then other days I realise that work is what keeps me going and I need to get out and stop thinking ...
I love the mountains, I have no regrets moving here. I love the people here and the opportunities this beautiful place presents me with my photography and life for my children...
Things I learned...
Emigration won't ever save a marriage. If it's not good before, it won't be afterwards.
People you thought you knew change to different people when you go through a marriage break up and that's a shock.
You might lose friends...
Stress can kill love.
Organise your move so that you have time left to twiddle your thumbs at the end of it. Pick the time you think you need and then double it. Oh, and then double it again.
Save money. Don't care how much you earn, save something.
I suppose after 13 years of marriage I never thought I'd be struggling like this. Giving up stuff to look after children really doesn't give you any benefit apart, of course, from having incredibly precious moments raising small people that will be with you until you die. I can't look back on my marriage and think that nothing has come of it because it has. I have these three incredible people in my life which I have raised. I can look at them and be happy that I did that.
I'm older and wiser for it all... A lot has happened in two years of Australia and I know a lot more is to come.
This is where I am happy and this is home.
Good luck for the future and keep that courage you have, its a very longed after trait and its very rare these days, you have 3 beautiful children and amazing friends!! Do your citizenship and join your children with pride as an Aussie Citizen - you deserve it!! Its your time to be honoured for all your hard work and everything you have achieved!!
Hugs xxxxx
Apr 9th 2008, 3:19 pm
#9
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jun 2005
Location: Oz -> UK -> San Diego
Posts: 9,912
Re: Two Years in Australia
You're still amazing!
Apr 9th 2008, 7:32 pm
#10
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Tropical North QLD
Posts: 21,434
Re: Two Years in Australia
Wow TP! Am speachless & teary eyed.
What an amazingingly honest & heartfelt post.
I wish you all the very best in moving forward in your life. You are obviously a very strong & determined lady!
What an amazingingly honest & heartfelt post.
I wish you all the very best in moving forward in your life. You are obviously a very strong & determined lady!
Apr 9th 2008, 8:27 pm
#11
Thread Starter
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 9,668
Re: Two Years in Australia
Thank you so much for all the nice comments and karma.
Apr 9th 2008, 9:00 pm
#12
Forum Regular
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 176
Re: Two Years in Australia
Really hope that things will start improving for you from now on in, what a very plucky person you are, wishing you all the best for the future, I really really hope the future will hold great things for you.
regards Dizzy
regards Dizzy
Apr 9th 2008, 9:22 pm
#13
FREE TIBET
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,840
Re: Two Years in Australia
Upwards and onwards Tiddles
Apr 9th 2008, 10:46 pm
#14
Thread Starter
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 9,668
Re: Two Years in Australia
Thanks Bernie and Dizzy.
To answer the karma post by someone, yes I have my children 50% of the time. They're at the other house with their dad for the other 50% and yes, they're doing brilliantly. Very together kids.
I certainly feel, Jutang, that I'm already a very different person than I used to be. I don't have any regrets in my life because that would be pointless. The stuff has gone and I have my children ... who could ever regret that?
I've learned a lot of stuff over the past 13 years of being married... It's certainly shown me what I truly want out of a relationship in the future!
It took a while to get here, and I don't look at this as a failure... just a bloody long and tedious lesson but I also know that this is the start of my life and that the way I feel now is purely transitional. My circumstances won't last like this because I am me.. .and I never stay stuck for long.
For now, I am just biding my time, doing the things I love in the space I have, finding my way.
It's been a long journey to get here.. both physically and metaphorically... I'm not the person I used to be. I know who I am and what I am. I know that I am 'good' and that I can be 'bad'... I'm not just one single entity. I know my strengths and my weaknesses... and I'm ok with that.
Marriage break up takes a lot of self forgiveness I have found. But this is not the end, it is just the beginning and beginnings are difficult, especially without a family, in a country which is not truly your own... but then I wonder how it would be any different in the UK and I don't think it would be.
And yes, you're right about the citizenship. I shouldn't let anything spoil that for me. Thank you. I might go apply now and then throw a party of my own when I'm done.... You'll have to bring a plate though.
To answer the karma post by someone, yes I have my children 50% of the time. They're at the other house with their dad for the other 50% and yes, they're doing brilliantly. Very together kids.
I certainly feel, Jutang, that I'm already a very different person than I used to be. I don't have any regrets in my life because that would be pointless. The stuff has gone and I have my children ... who could ever regret that?
I've learned a lot of stuff over the past 13 years of being married... It's certainly shown me what I truly want out of a relationship in the future!
It took a while to get here, and I don't look at this as a failure... just a bloody long and tedious lesson
but I also know that this is the start of my life and that the way I feel now is purely transitional. My circumstances won't last like this because I am me.. .and I never stay stuck for long.For now, I am just biding my time, doing the things I love in the space I have, finding my way.
It's been a long journey to get here.. both physically and metaphorically... I'm not the person I used to be. I know who I am and what I am. I know that I am 'good' and that I can be 'bad'... I'm not just one single entity. I know my strengths and my weaknesses... and I'm ok with that.
Marriage break up takes a lot of self forgiveness I have found. But this is not the end, it is just the beginning and beginnings are difficult, especially without a family, in a country which is not truly your own... but then I wonder how it would be any different in the UK and I don't think it would be.
And yes, you're right about the citizenship. I shouldn't let anything spoil that for me. Thank you. I might go apply now and then throw a party of my own when I'm done.... You'll have to bring a plate though.
Apr 9th 2008, 10:54 pm
#15
Joined: May 2006
Location: in the Sydney asylum
Posts: 20,690
Re: Two Years in Australia
Good on yer girl keep your chin up you are a strong woman and you are just doing your best for your family.
It sounds a really raw time for you both but hopefully it will all calm down and get better for you
It sounds a really raw time for you both but hopefully it will all calm down and get better for you
