Just wanted to say thank you for all the kind words that people have sent me. It means a lot: there are some incredibly kind and supportive people on this board (along with the complete arseholes .)

My teenage son had a friend's father kill himself by hanging awhile back. He had lost his job but who knows why he felt that suicide was his only option. Although I didn't know the guy well, I was so angry that he put his son and wife thru this and I worry about the son's increased risk of suicide in the future. The main thing I tried to emphasize to my son is that the dad was in emotional distress and not thinking well. Those of us who are emotionally healthy would never put loved ones in the position of having to deal with a parent's (or loved one's suicide).

I hope you find peace with your friends, Coastie... Remember your friend how he was and don't dwell on why it happened.. It just did.. Take care of each other - that would be the best memorial to him and your friendship with each other.

For all of you who have lost close friends and particularly family members, my heart goes out to you...

I think that I understand why Sue does this - it's pretty much the same reason why it is awkward for me when people ask what happened to my partner - if I tell them that he had an undiagnosed HIV infection for about 12 years and now he has AIDS Dementia Complex they simply don't know how to react and they end up feeling bad and upset for absolutely no reason - there is no stigma attached to it as far as I am concerned, but I really don't want to put other people through the unnecessary emotional anguish that always seems to result if I tell them what really happened.

A work colleague of mine had been depressed for years but never saw a doctor for anything unless absolutely necessary. But over the period of several months his life started changing significantly for the better - went to the US, came back on the QM2, met a lady, and was on top of the world amongst many other good things. Two weeks later he was dead.

It certainly didn't appear to be pre-planned as he'd seen one of our other colleagues on the Friday evening in Sainsbury's buying food. Later he went to the pub, got a bit drunk, had a very minor argument with somebody over drink driving home, did indeed prang his car slightly on the way back, left the shopping in his car, wrote a note to his mum simply saying "Sorry mum, you'll know why", filled a bath and took a knife with him. Discovered Monday morning. Undoubtedly the drink was a huge factor in this and somebody said that perhaps he thought that things could only get worse as he was on top of the world, thus go out on a high. Who knows.

His mum certainly didn't know why, and she died herself a couple of months later of "natural" causes.

I hadn't realised how much I enjoyed his company until he was gone. Probably the only non-family member I've ever cried over. That was 2.5 years ago and it's still raw.

That's also how I interpreted Sue's remark. I don't think there's any shame at all for her (at least there definitely should not be) but the topic of suicide is still largely avoided and mostly misunderstood. Maybe taboo is a better word? I do agree though, people overwhelmingly mean well and actually will become upset and hurt when hearing of somebody having lost their mother to suicide. Either way, it's something that people have difficulty discussing comfortably.

When I was growing up cancer was very much treated as a taboo subject. Speaking about somebody with cancer was usually done in hushed tones, as if you were talking about something terrifying and evil. The very word "cancer" evoked images of horrific and painful deaths that were very much outside what any "normal" person would ever experience. Cancer would surely ruin a family FOREVER. Thank God we're mostly past that. Alzheimer's is currently undergoing a similar transformation.

Educating the public about any disease removes the stigmatism. Medical professionals, survivors, families etc etc, consistently forcing the issue into the public forum makes it easier for everybody to cope without having to be self conscious or needing to protect the feelings of others.

In reflection though, even in this thread, there is a recurring sentiment that suicide is a selfish act made by a cruel and selfish person - I think that shows that suicide is still pretty harshly stigmatized, at least by a very vocal minority.

As for your situation, I think it would be difficult for people to hear about your partner's condition, specially if they knew him as he was before. I can understand why you would want to avoid that. I've gotten to where I can openly talk to people about pretty much any sort of personal, medical, or psychological tragedy, except the loss of a child - that one gets me every time.

Hang in there and remember the good times you both had together.

you could have phrased that slightly better

I should probably change my signature too

I think the whole stigma or whatever you want to call it, about someone who decides to take their own life, is that unless you've been that person, in whatever situation they were in, we will not get it. I would never judge anyone in their choice, but I can also understand the anger, hurt and guilt that is left behind. I've thought about this for many years, seeing so many people of different ages, end their life by many different ways and always wanted to know what place they were in at the time. Having suffered from depression 17 years ago, I can understand how a particular state of mind could provide the right environment for doing such a devastating act. I don't think I would ever have done it, but at the time, I had split second urges to end the pain that I was in, if that's the right way to explain it, and by the way, I have never told anyone this. They all knew about the depression but never knew about the urges to go to sleep and for the pain and hurt to be no more.

Is it a selfish act - probably. Are they in the right frame of mind to even remotely think about the hurt and pain they are going to leave behind - I don't think so. Is it something that their families and friends get over - I don't think so, I think we learn to live with it and over time, you heal and learn to carry on because most of the time, the answer is never going to be revealed. My friends mum took her own life by walking in to the ocean and leaving the dog tied up on the walkway, it's destroyed my friends life and she now is struggling to carry on with both depression and alcohol problems. I know her mum, if she had been 100% okay, would never have left her like that and even the fact she was about to become a grandmother, wasn't enough to make her want to carry on.

I feel very sorry for the pain, guilt and anger that a lot of the people on this thread have gone through and are going through, and only hope that you can find closure and peace.

In all seriousness, the phrase "gallows humor" is in the language for a reason.

I know we dont know each other but for what it's worth my best mate committed suicide in 1991 by shooting himself! it was a massive shock to all of us, he was 29 and his marrige had broken up about three months earlier, first of all he was devastated but as time passed he really seemed to be improving and started going out again with his mates, frankly everything seemed to be getting pretty much back to normal. he had a good job and was also earning a good bit on the side selling endowments (they where worth having then)! he also was a keen shooter and was a part time firearms dealer as a bit of a hobby and was incredibly careful with his guns. he had been out with one of the lads and they had arranged to go clay pigeon shooting the next morning but Paul got no reply when he called, eventually the police broke in and there he was dead.
None of us could believe it, as i said he genuinely seemed to be much better than he had been and was looking forward to doing things again and planning, i still think to this day what could i have done differently? if i either had or had not done something would he still be here? the short answer is after living with this for just short of 20yrs is you never can truly know what is going on in other peoples minds, my job mainly revolves around being able to and indeed having to do that but however good we are at it or however well we feel we know people the sad fact of life is we are all the authors of our own destiny wherever that may lie. My only advice to you for what it's worth is live life for now and today it is both precious and too short, grieve certainly and try to understand but go on living for yourself and everyone around you.

The sorrow is indeed so often multiplied by the effect that one person's act may have on another person. The sister of a dear friend took her life a few years ago; her teenage daughter found her. Only two years later the daughter, still in her teens, ended her own life in the same way. I cannot believe that the young girl would have done this if she hadn't followed her mother's lead -- she had none of the demons her mother was battling.

Sincere sympathy to all who are dealing with such sadness. Try to keep memories of your friends in happy days in your mind's eye.

I started a thread about suicide a couple of years ago after a similar experience. Gone too soon

It's important to talk about this subject. My hope is by discussing it, someone who may contemplate this irreversible action could think twice or realize that there may be another way.

HI

So sorry for your loss. I have not had any experience of people close to me comittinng suicide, but I can only imagine the confusion and anger that you must feel. May you soon find comfort, you and all the affected friends and family members.