in a real mess

Old Oct 22nd 2007, 1:59 pm
  #1  
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Default in a real mess

Had a big chat with the wife and she knows how long I have wanted to go home I said I just can't take it anymore and when the house sells I will be on a plane home,I know she wants to go but she said if the kids decide to stay she is staying and won't leave the kids (18 and 20) also have a 13 yr old that really has no decision.
So it looks like the 18 and 20 yr olds will be deciding mine my wifes and our 13 yrs olds destiny.The wife wants to go home just as much as I do but she won't go if the kids want to stay.
This is so hard and over the past few years has made me ill,we are about to tell the kids they have a decision to make and I was wondering if there were any words of wisdom someone could come up with to help our ideal plan that all of us go home together.Right now I know I am going home but thinking it just maybe on my own it's the last thing I want to happen I am very desperate and don't want to lose my family
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Old Oct 22nd 2007, 4:36 pm
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Default Re: in a real mess

Firstly what is the situation with your kids? Are they citizens of the country that they are in now?

Would they be able to return back to the country where you are now if they didn't want to be in the UK?

Are they living at home or away?

I would recommend really thinking things through and if needed taking some time over it. I can't see how distance in the family could help anything.

Does your wife really understand how difficult this is for you and how much you don't want the family to break up?

My feeling would be to sit down again with your wife and discuss this till you both know what the situation would be whether your kids wanted to stay or go with you and then discuss it with the kids.

It's a difficult situation, but I think that at the moment you really need to spend some/ alot of time with your wife discussing the situation.

I know in the past I have thought I have discussed things and then later has come the comment, "I didn't really know how you felt".

Good luck.
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Old Oct 22nd 2007, 4:55 pm
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Default Re: in a real mess

There really is no point in basing crucial decisions regarding the rest of your life on what your ADULT 'kids' want to do.

I can understand if your wife wants to hang around for a couple of years until the 'kids' have fully grown up and established independent lives, but at some point the apron strings have to be cut.

One of my sons moved back. whereas we are here to stay for a good few years yet. It's hard, I miss him terribly, but for now it is the right thing to do.
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Old Oct 22nd 2007, 4:57 pm
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Default Re: in a real mess

Originally Posted by psb182 View Post
Had a big chat with the wife and she knows how long I have wanted to go home I said I just can't take it anymore and when the house sells I will be on a plane home,I know she wants to go but she said if the kids decide to stay she is staying and won't leave the kids (18 and 20) also have a 13 yr old that really has no decision.
So it looks like the 18 and 20 yr olds will be deciding mine my wifes and our 13 yrs olds destiny.The wife wants to go home just as much as I do but she won't go if the kids want to stay.
This is so hard and over the past few years has made me ill,we are about to tell the kids they have a decision to make and I was wondering if there were any words of wisdom someone could come up with to help our ideal plan that all of us go home together.Right now I know I am going home but thinking it just maybe on my own it's the last thing I want to happen I am very desperate and don't want to lose my family
Hi psb,
You are already alone in US and nothing is going to change if you were
to go back to UK. Do you have plans ?What you are going to do when
you go back to UK? Do you have a job there? Do you have contacts,
friends and a place to live?
If you have already sorted out the above,then by all means go back alone.
May be you all could come up to a mutual agreement leaving the door
open both ways. You got to accept that the boys are growing up and have
decided to stay in US .

The only thing that I am questioning is that why is your wife wanting to
stay with the kids and not go back with you and the 13 yr.old?
Something to address about the marital areas? Sorry I am snooping.

Yoong
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Old Oct 22nd 2007, 7:50 pm
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Default Re: in a real mess

I guess I married a woman that can't let go of the kids,the way I see it is that kids grow and become adults and then lead their own lives and yes we are still in their lives but from a distance,the wife just want's to be where the kids are period and will not make a descion.
We have talked about this for years and I know like I know tomorrow is tuesday that the wife want's back as much as I do but she will NOT make a decision to leave the 18 and 20 yr old in another country.
My descision has been made after the past several years of unhappyness here that I must go or this will make me either very ill or a suicide victim,it's the hardest thing I ever did but it feels better after having made the final descion
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Old Oct 22nd 2007, 8:19 pm
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Default Re: in a real mess

Oh dear, this is so sad. I feel for you, really I do, and I can also relate to your wife's feelings about the adult kids.

This may sound harsh, but I have to tell you, as the mother of an adult son myself, your wife's feelings probably won't change as the kids get older. I still have the same feelings about my son now as I did when he was the same age as yours. Mine is 28 now, but I still have a very hard time being apart from him (he's in UK, we're in US) especially as he is an only child.

I have to work very hard (emotionally) to stop myself from going back to him, but there comes a time when a mother really does have to let go and let them get on with their own lives.

At the end of the day, the kids will do what they want with their own lives, and more often than not it doesn't include their parents.

As I said, it may come across as a bit harsh, but I guess what I'm trying to say is.....don't hold your breath that your wife will feel differently about them in a few years.

Hope things work out for you.
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Old Oct 22nd 2007, 9:14 pm
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Default Re: in a real mess

Originally Posted by psb182 View Post
I guess I married a woman that can't let go of the kids,the way I see it is that kids grow and become adults and then lead their own lives and yes we are still in their lives but from a distance,the wife just want's to be where the kids are period and will not make a descion.
We have talked about this for years and I know like I know tomorrow is tuesday that the wife want's back as much as I do but she will NOT make a decision to leave the 18 and 20 yr old in another country.
My descision has been made after the past several years of unhappyness here that I must go or this will make me either very ill or a suicide victim,it's the hardest thing I ever did but it feels better after having made the final descion
Sent you a PM.
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Old Oct 22nd 2007, 9:27 pm
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Default Re: in a real mess

Originally Posted by psb182 View Post
My descision has been made after the past several years of unhappyness here that I must go or this will make me either very ill or a suicide victim,it's the hardest thing I ever did but it feels better after having made the final descion
Im really sorry you are going through something so sad.
First off. If you have felt so distressed you have felt suicidal - going to the UK is the best thing to do. You health and well-being has to be no1 priority. Get well. Other things will fall into place and you will be stronger and better able to deal with them as they come along.
On a slightly different note...Your wife wont live in a different country to her 2 sons.......What would she do if one moved abroad to a new country and the other stayed put? Have you discussed this? As someone else said, the apron strings need cutting at some point - but if thats hard for her to see, can she see what might happen if the boys decide to take different routes? Can the boys see this and persuade her she cant always be there for them? But you've probably alraedy had this conversation many a time.......
Anyway, please take care and my sincere best wishes for the future
Chrissy
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Old Oct 22nd 2007, 9:30 pm
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Default Re: in a real mess

My very best wishes to you and follow your dream .
You are brave to make such a big decision and follow it through
Hey, stay alive so that you can live up your dreams .
Yoong

Last edited by Yoong; Oct 22nd 2007 at 9:41 pm.
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Old Oct 22nd 2007, 9:47 pm
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Default Re: in a real mess

What are your children's status in the US? If you are living here on a visa surely they will have to leave the country if you do.

I know it's very difficult to leave your children on another continent. Who knows where your children will be in 5/10/15 years time...they may have moved to another country and you'll be stuck in the US. I don't really think it's wise to base your future happiness on your adult children...they have their own lives to lead and so do you.
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Old Oct 22nd 2007, 10:24 pm
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Default Re: in a real mess

I have dual citizenship everyone else has just British citizenship green card but they have been here 14 yrs
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Old Oct 22nd 2007, 10:31 pm
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Default Re: in a real mess

Originally Posted by psb182 View Post
I have dual citizenship everyone else has just British citizenship green card but they have been here 14 yrs
I seriously think you all need to be DCs.......... just in case...
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Old Oct 22nd 2007, 11:02 pm
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Default Re: in a real mess

This is so sad PSB182 and there is no easy answer

Ask yourself if it is better to leave your wife and adult kids and go back to UK.....or kill yourself in despair? If they don't want to go back to UK, at least if you leave them and go back you will keep your sanity and they can come and see you if they wish in the future. You should respect their wishes and they yours, however difficult that may be.

No amount of pain you feel going it alone can compare with how you feel right now. This is as low as you are gonna get so the only way is up

Do yourself a favour, go back to UK, clear your head and sort things out from there. Nothing in life is impossible and things will be clearer from where you feel happiest. Please do not do anything drastic - you are depressed and it's understandable but seriously it's not the end of the world. You can do something about it and once you are strong you can re-assess where you are and where you want to be...

You don't deserve to feel this low, no one does..Keep your chin up and take care

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Old Oct 22nd 2007, 11:11 pm
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Default Re: in a real mess

Would your wife consider moving back to the UK with the 13 yr old and spending school hols in the US with the older 2 children? That's what my husband suggested to me...in my case it was for me to go back to the UK during our daughter's US school holidays. Now she is at uni and we are currently buying a place in the UK so I can spend more time over there.
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Old Oct 22nd 2007, 11:16 pm
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Default Re: in a real mess

psb182, I've read some of your posts on other threads. You certainly sound like you're suffering from depression. If you can't do anything about your situation any time soon, please go see a doctor, maybe you can get something prescribed to help you cope in the short term.

Wishing you the best.
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