OT on Relationships: the "Real" Adjustment
Jul 21st 2001, 5:14 am
#1
Guest
Posts: n/a
Hello - I'm officially new to the group from a posting perspective - although
Alvena's DCF advice got my husband and me to the US with a 2 week processing time
(!!) through the US consulate in Skopje, Macedonia, this spring (I'd be glad to share
if anyone wants more info on that).
Actually, I'm posting for non-visa reasons. My husband seems to be having a rough
time adjusting to the US, and I'm wondering if there's any advice or moral support
out there. He lived in Western Europe for many years before we came here, and we
actually lived together for nearly 2 years before coming to the US. Ever since he got
here, nothing is good enough- my family and I feel terrible that he's not happy with
anything - work, school, life, etc.
What experiences have other people had coming to the US? How long did it take for you
to feel comfortable? Any advice? What helped you?
Thanks for the help! Kris
Alvena's DCF advice got my husband and me to the US with a 2 week processing time
(!!) through the US consulate in Skopje, Macedonia, this spring (I'd be glad to share
if anyone wants more info on that).
Actually, I'm posting for non-visa reasons. My husband seems to be having a rough
time adjusting to the US, and I'm wondering if there's any advice or moral support
out there. He lived in Western Europe for many years before we came here, and we
actually lived together for nearly 2 years before coming to the US. Ever since he got
here, nothing is good enough- my family and I feel terrible that he's not happy with
anything - work, school, life, etc.
What experiences have other people had coming to the US? How long did it take for you
to feel comfortable? Any advice? What helped you?
Thanks for the help! Kris
Jul 21st 2001, 12:25 pm
#2
Guest
Posts: n/a
Kris wrote:
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Is there anyone else of his nationality in your area that he could perhaps meet and
talk to? It can help to have support from someone else who has immigrated, and to
have a chance to get their perspective.
Alvena
===
I am not a lawyer and this is not legal advice; this is my personal opinion, posted
for the purpose of discussion only.
===
K-1 FAQ: http://www.k1faq.com Timelines: http://www.wkh.org/ A great K-1 Site:
http://pages.prodigy.net/alixtcat/immigrat.htm Doc Steen's Marriage Visa Pages:
http://www.mindspring.com/~docsteen/...o/visainfo.htm
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Is there anyone else of his nationality in your area that he could perhaps meet and
talk to? It can help to have support from someone else who has immigrated, and to
have a chance to get their perspective.
Alvena
===
I am not a lawyer and this is not legal advice; this is my personal opinion, posted
for the purpose of discussion only.
===
K-1 FAQ: http://www.k1faq.com Timelines: http://www.wkh.org/ A great K-1 Site:
http://pages.prodigy.net/alixtcat/immigrat.htm Doc Steen's Marriage Visa Pages:
http://www.mindspring.com/~docsteen/...o/visainfo.htm
===
Jul 21st 2001, 12:38 pm
#3
Concierge
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 46,392
Kris
Advice in a situation like this can only be general. What works for one will not necessarily work for someone else as each is an individual with different personalities, mindsets, age differences and cultures.
I can relate to your question, however, because I am married to a Canadian, who after three years of being here in the US, is still not completely happy with life in the US and would love to be living back in Canada where the lifestyle is not all that different in many ways but where politics, healthcare, etc. are as different as night is from day. And, this from a man who lived from the ages of 18 to 54 in so many countries, I forget half of them. He was stationed in Germany and lived there for 12 years. He lived in every province in Canada. He lived for several more years in California when on loan from the RCAF to Litton Industries and again on loan to the US Navy.
I have to ask if he is normally a complainer? If so, then that will explain some of the problem. Some people, like my husband, are happiest when complaining.
Try having him be specific in his complaints. Ask him how he would like you to help him correct what he preceives as the problem. Get him involved in an organization composed of people from his own nationality or an interest group that he is particularly interested in. For me, a lifesaver was when Jim joined the guard. Being back in uniform and doing what he loves to do has made a world of difference.
Find a place where you buy his favorite food staples. There are many places online where you can do this. Attempt to have him assimilate one thing at a time instead of allowing him to be bombarded with several US differences at once.
Remember that it is the lifestyle that he is unhappy with, not you. Make a safe haven for him that excludes the outside world. It should be you and he in a world of your own, not you and him against the world. Be patient and understanding (to a point). You are back in the world of familiarity while he is away from it. Recall how you felt when you moved to Europe. But remember, too, that some people are never happy with the change of lifestyles and the feeling of not having dominance over their lives.
Good Luck
Rita
Advice in a situation like this can only be general. What works for one will not necessarily work for someone else as each is an individual with different personalities, mindsets, age differences and cultures.
I can relate to your question, however, because I am married to a Canadian, who after three years of being here in the US, is still not completely happy with life in the US and would love to be living back in Canada where the lifestyle is not all that different in many ways but where politics, healthcare, etc. are as different as night is from day. And, this from a man who lived from the ages of 18 to 54 in so many countries, I forget half of them. He was stationed in Germany and lived there for 12 years. He lived in every province in Canada. He lived for several more years in California when on loan from the RCAF to Litton Industries and again on loan to the US Navy.
I have to ask if he is normally a complainer? If so, then that will explain some of the problem. Some people, like my husband, are happiest when complaining.
Try having him be specific in his complaints. Ask him how he would like you to help him correct what he preceives as the problem. Get him involved in an organization composed of people from his own nationality or an interest group that he is particularly interested in. For me, a lifesaver was when Jim joined the guard. Being back in uniform and doing what he loves to do has made a world of difference.
Find a place where you buy his favorite food staples. There are many places online where you can do this. Attempt to have him assimilate one thing at a time instead of allowing him to be bombarded with several US differences at once.
Remember that it is the lifestyle that he is unhappy with, not you. Make a safe haven for him that excludes the outside world. It should be you and he in a world of your own, not you and him against the world. Be patient and understanding (to a point). You are back in the world of familiarity while he is away from it. Recall how you felt when you moved to Europe. But remember, too, that some people are never happy with the change of lifestyles and the feeling of not having dominance over their lives.
Good Luck
Rita
Jul 24th 2001, 1:03 pm
#4
Guest
Posts: n/a
Kris,
That nothing is satisfactory isn't an uncommon outcome for those who come to
the US with great expectations. That you lived together for several years and
then came to the US as man and wife should make the transition less
unpredictable. Find other Macedonians in your area. In our case, finding
other nationals helped give my wife a sense of community. Find out if there
isn't some elemental reason for his unhappiness. When in the US my wife
behaves and talks one way; when in her home she is a different person
(assured, assertive and outgoing, naturally). Not only was my wife afraid of
everything and everyone in her first few months here, everything was seen as
second rate, not as good as, and without the kind of merit she was used to.
When we were last in my wife's home after, several weeks I began feeling
constrained and isolated (my language skills are remedial). He may be feeling
likewise. What are the social constructs of male female relationships
(paternalism, matriarchy, extended families)? My wife misses her extended
family and this had a negative impact on her sense of well being. Also, her
society is predicated on paternalism. In their ideal world, this means men
make the decisions, go to work, drink lots of Rachia. What is the structure
of your husband's world back home? Part of the process may be to give over
some decision making to your spouse? Last night my wife and I had one of our
many discussions about our immediate future. To have children (yes) and when?
She has begun applying for graduate school. Does she really want to go to
graudtae school? Are her doubts really about anxiety or insecurity? Providing
she does go to schoool, should we wait until she has compeleted one year
before buying a new home or should we buy now? Do we want to live in Europe
(Italy) or stay here in the 'States (West coast). There is so much that needs
to be decided and so little time. I loved my life before meeting my wife. I
found my job to be entertaining. But my life now is so much better, more
dimensional and complete. I know that my wife will come to feel the same in
time. Just some thoughts.
George and Miglena
Kris wrote:
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That nothing is satisfactory isn't an uncommon outcome for those who come to
the US with great expectations. That you lived together for several years and
then came to the US as man and wife should make the transition less
unpredictable. Find other Macedonians in your area. In our case, finding
other nationals helped give my wife a sense of community. Find out if there
isn't some elemental reason for his unhappiness. When in the US my wife
behaves and talks one way; when in her home she is a different person
(assured, assertive and outgoing, naturally). Not only was my wife afraid of
everything and everyone in her first few months here, everything was seen as
second rate, not as good as, and without the kind of merit she was used to.
When we were last in my wife's home after, several weeks I began feeling
constrained and isolated (my language skills are remedial). He may be feeling
likewise. What are the social constructs of male female relationships
(paternalism, matriarchy, extended families)? My wife misses her extended
family and this had a negative impact on her sense of well being. Also, her
society is predicated on paternalism. In their ideal world, this means men
make the decisions, go to work, drink lots of Rachia. What is the structure
of your husband's world back home? Part of the process may be to give over
some decision making to your spouse? Last night my wife and I had one of our
many discussions about our immediate future. To have children (yes) and when?
She has begun applying for graduate school. Does she really want to go to
graudtae school? Are her doubts really about anxiety or insecurity? Providing
she does go to schoool, should we wait until she has compeleted one year
before buying a new home or should we buy now? Do we want to live in Europe
(Italy) or stay here in the 'States (West coast). There is so much that needs
to be decided and so little time. I loved my life before meeting my wife. I
found my job to be entertaining. But my life now is so much better, more
dimensional and complete. I know that my wife will come to feel the same in
time. Just some thoughts.
George and Miglena
Kris wrote:
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Jul 24th 2001, 6:50 pm
#5
pharrya's troublen strife
Joined: Mar 2001
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
i know what you mean...
I can relate to how you must be feeling- somewhat helpless to help your spouse feel more comfortable. My faince moved over from the UK at the end of May and we've been married about a month a half... he's started to look for work (IT), now has his MD driver's licence, his shipped stuff is mostly put away, and we seem to be settling mostly happily into married life.
He's lived in both Holland and Egypt, in addition to the UK, and was able to make himself at home there, so I wasn't *too* worried, but still..
We were at a bar-b-que the other day and met another international couple. The wife has been adjusting to life in the US since November. We asked her how it was going in that respect for her and she reccomended living in a neighborhood/area that you can walk around in/run errands- where you don't have top drive everyplace like you do in the suburbs- hence make the lifestyle a bit more "European". (We already do- she and her husband moved from the burbs to a more downtown neighborhood). She also said its important to get out and make friends that are kindred spirits outside your own little world of being a couple. In her case that meant meeting fellow artists/photographers- she also seemed happy to meet another couple in a similar situation to her own, as were we.
In addition to doing fun stuff on the weekends, my husband really seems to enjoy when we go hang out with friends for a weekend in New York, dinner parties, etc. It helps him to begin to see my friends as his friends. As I have a few friends that are his fellow countrymen, that is an added bonus.
I still worry about his happiness and that he'll adjust, though. It *is* different in America- but a good thing to do is to remind him of the stuff he likes about here- in my husbands case- all the chicken wings and mozzerella sticks he wants! ;-)
Get online and find him some food from Macedonia, try to meet other folks from there, or at least other Europeans. If you can, take a weekend in a big city with lots to see and do and people from all over- something to remind you both what a melting pot it really *is* here.
Good luck!
He's lived in both Holland and Egypt, in addition to the UK, and was able to make himself at home there, so I wasn't *too* worried, but still..
We were at a bar-b-que the other day and met another international couple. The wife has been adjusting to life in the US since November. We asked her how it was going in that respect for her and she reccomended living in a neighborhood/area that you can walk around in/run errands- where you don't have top drive everyplace like you do in the suburbs- hence make the lifestyle a bit more "European". (We already do- she and her husband moved from the burbs to a more downtown neighborhood). She also said its important to get out and make friends that are kindred spirits outside your own little world of being a couple. In her case that meant meeting fellow artists/photographers- she also seemed happy to meet another couple in a similar situation to her own, as were we.
In addition to doing fun stuff on the weekends, my husband really seems to enjoy when we go hang out with friends for a weekend in New York, dinner parties, etc. It helps him to begin to see my friends as his friends. As I have a few friends that are his fellow countrymen, that is an added bonus.
I still worry about his happiness and that he'll adjust, though. It *is* different in America- but a good thing to do is to remind him of the stuff he likes about here- in my husbands case- all the chicken wings and mozzerella sticks he wants! ;-)
Get online and find him some food from Macedonia, try to meet other folks from there, or at least other Europeans. If you can, take a weekend in a big city with lots to see and do and people from all over- something to remind you both what a melting pot it really *is* here.
Good luck!
