Funeral Procession
Aug 21st 2006, 4:00 pm
#1
Back where I belong!
Thread Starter
Joined: Aug 2005
Location: Melbourne, Oz to Banbury, England to El Mirage, AZ & now back to England!
Posts: 5,989
Funeral Procession
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog & said, "I am so sorry for your loss, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked & killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant & thoughtful moment of silence passed between the 2 women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
----------------------------
A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog & said, "I am so sorry for your loss, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked & killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant & thoughtful moment of silence passed between the 2 women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
----------------------------
A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.
Aug 21st 2006, 4:11 pm
#2
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 1,750
Re: Funeral Procession
Very good!
Last edited by Chorlton; Aug 21st 2006 at 4:19 pm.
Aug 21st 2006, 5:19 pm
#3
sun lover
Joined: Jul 2006
Location: Mesa - AZ
Posts: 271
Re: Funeral Procession
hehehe very funny
Bit like the one:
Men - can't live with them, can't shoot them
---------------------------------------------------
A man took his dog to the vet cos he had a bad ear.
The vet picked up the dog to take a look at him.
'I'm sorry the vet said, I'm gonna have to put him down'
'why'? the man said, 'just because he has a bad ear'
'no' the vet said 'because he's heavy'
hahahahahahahahahahaha - I crack myself up
Bit like the one:
Men - can't live with them, can't shoot them
---------------------------------------------------
A man took his dog to the vet cos he had a bad ear.
The vet picked up the dog to take a look at him.
'I'm sorry the vet said, I'm gonna have to put him down'
'why'? the man said, 'just because he has a bad ear'
'no' the vet said 'because he's heavy'
hahahahahahahahahahaha - I crack myself up
Aug 21st 2006, 5:21 pm
#4
The Unmod
Joined: Jul 2005
Location: Glen Mills, PA
Posts: 8,870
Re: Funeral Procession
A nasty, misandrist joke
Aug 21st 2006, 5:43 pm
#5
sun lover
Joined: Jul 2006
Location: Mesa - AZ
Posts: 271
Re: Funeral Procession
Originally Posted by paddingtongreen
A nasty, misandrist joke
Aug 21st 2006, 5:55 pm
#6
SUPER MODERATOR
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 88,023
Re: Funeral Procession
At least you didn't put Ray's name in this time.
Aug 21st 2006, 6:02 pm
#7
Time Lord
Joined: Sep 2003
Location: Lansing, MI
Posts: 1,032
Re: Funeral Procession
A couple for the men.
Life's A Bitch, And Then You Marry One
Women, Can't Live With Them...
Life's A Bitch, And Then You Marry One
Women, Can't Live With Them...
Aug 21st 2006, 6:06 pm
#8
Back where I belong!
Thread Starter
Joined: Aug 2005
Location: Melbourne, Oz to Banbury, England to El Mirage, AZ & now back to England!
Posts: 5,989
Re: Funeral Procession
Originally Posted by Jerseygirl
At least you didn't put Ray's name in this time.
Aug 22nd 2006, 11:08 am
#9
Renegade who has it made
Joined: Oct 2005
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,077
Re: Funeral Procession
love it
Aug 22nd 2006, 4:08 pm
#10
sun lover
Joined: Jul 2006
Location: Mesa - AZ
Posts: 271
Re: Funeral Procession
A Blonde one for you
Three pregnant girls where waiting in the Doctors Clinic talking about what they were going to have:
The brunette said, "I'm gonna have a girl cos I was on top"
The redhead said, "I'm gonna have a boy cos I was on the bottom"
The blonde sat there sobbing, "whats wrong" asked the other two
"It think I'm gonna have puppies then, cos I did it doggie style"
Three pregnant girls where waiting in the Doctors Clinic talking about what they were going to have:
The brunette said, "I'm gonna have a girl cos I was on top"
The redhead said, "I'm gonna have a boy cos I was on the bottom"
The blonde sat there sobbing, "whats wrong" asked the other two
"It think I'm gonna have puppies then, cos I did it doggie style"
Aug 23rd 2006, 7:25 pm
#11
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 974
Re: Funeral Procession
Ok, I'll bite....
How to Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.
Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.
Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.
How to Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her making the "Woo"
sound.
Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs
(no).
Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch privates and smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in shower. Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't use one.
Wash face. Wash armpits. Crack up at how loud farts sound in the shower.
Wash privates and the surrounding area. Wash butt, leaving hair on soap.
Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner. Make shampoo Mohican. Pull back
curtain to see self in mirror.
Pee (in shower).
Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.
Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror again, flex muscles and admire size of knob (again).
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
Leave bathroom light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.
Put on yesterday's clothes.
OK one more
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard
before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.
OK this really is the last one....
After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory ‘cos her gammon was dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a cornish pastie rather than toad in the hole.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."
"Ahhh, thats really nice" said Lucy.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"
"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?"
"Thats from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears"
How to Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.
Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.
Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.
How to Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her making the "Woo"
sound.
Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs
(no).
Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch privates and smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in shower. Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't use one.
Wash face. Wash armpits. Crack up at how loud farts sound in the shower.
Wash privates and the surrounding area. Wash butt, leaving hair on soap.
Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner. Make shampoo Mohican. Pull back
curtain to see self in mirror.
Pee (in shower).
Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.
Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror again, flex muscles and admire size of knob (again).
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
Leave bathroom light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.
Put on yesterday's clothes.
OK one more
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard
before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.
OK this really is the last one....
After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory ‘cos her gammon was dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a cornish pastie rather than toad in the hole.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."
"Ahhh, thats really nice" said Lucy.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"
"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?"
"Thats from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears"
Aug 23rd 2006, 7:38 pm
#12
Junior Showtime
Joined: Jul 2005
Location: Singapore
Posts: 3,759
Re: Funeral Procession
How to Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her making the "Woo"
sound.
Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs
(no).
Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch privates and smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in shower. Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't use one.
Wash face. Wash armpits. Crack up at how loud farts sound in the shower.
Wash privates and the surrounding area. Wash butt, leaving hair on soap.
Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner. Make shampoo Mohican. Pull back
curtain to see self in mirror.
Pee (in shower).
Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.
Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror again, flex muscles and admire size of knob (again).
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
Leave bathroom light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.
Put on yesterday's clothes.
Spookily realistic apart from the peeing (I hope!!!!)
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her making the "Woo"
sound.
Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs
(no).
Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch privates and smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in shower. Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't use one.
Wash face. Wash armpits. Crack up at how loud farts sound in the shower.
Wash privates and the surrounding area. Wash butt, leaving hair on soap.
Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner. Make shampoo Mohican. Pull back
curtain to see self in mirror.
Pee (in shower).
Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.
Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror again, flex muscles and admire size of knob (again).
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
Leave bathroom light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.
Put on yesterday's clothes.
Spookily realistic apart from the peeing (I hope!!!!)
Aug 23rd 2006, 8:40 pm
#13
sun lover
Joined: Jul 2006
Location: Mesa - AZ
Posts: 271
Re: Funeral Procession
[QUOTE=TimFountain]Ok, I'll bite....
How to Shower Like a Woman
How to Shower Like a Man
OK one more
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive.
OK this really is the last one....
After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery
Heard the first one before, still funny and so so so true (yeah except the peeing part)
Loved, the second one, hillarious
I've got images of the third one I'd rather not have. Never liked toad in the hole anyway, now I know why
How to Shower Like a Woman
How to Shower Like a Man
OK one more
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive.
OK this really is the last one....
After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery
Heard the first one before, still funny and so so so true (yeah except the peeing part)
Loved, the second one, hillarious
I've got images of the third one I'd rather not have. Never liked toad in the hole anyway, now I know why
