scrubbedexpat097

I guess the best thing is not to dwell on it too much, I wasted far too much time and emotional energy on worrying about all the people in my life that didn't really worry about me! Of course that is easy for me to say now. Your family now is you and your husband, hopefully you wont lose ties with everyone else but their lives will seem less important as your own family grows. Enjoy your new life and try not to sit around waiting for the phone calls....and welcome to one of many pitfalls in the life of an Ex-Pat

hockeysarah

Oh no im glad im not one of them!

randomgirl

Thank you! I'm sure I'll get stronger as time goes on - I think today just brought it home to me, so to speak, how many people have apparently forgotten me in only 6 months. But you're completely right - my family now is my husband and our 2 dogs, they're going to come first before anyone else (especially the people I've been writing about!) and hopefully this time next year we might be expecting a baby of our own... Then I'll probably be so busy taking care of the baby that I won't have time to think about certain people

hockeysarah

This is the best attitude to have! I shall try and follow suit when i move!
Concentrate on those around you that make the effort because they deserve it

randomgirl

Too right! It'd be awful to alienate the people who do make an effort - I make sure I never do that

Yorkieabroad

Oh crap - I've been telling myself they dont come cos its Houston.....if its not Houston, it must be me. Bugger...time for new deodorant.....

randomgirl

They don't come because they're daft, not because of you.
Anyway, you can't smell that bad 'cos I can't smell anything bad in Phoenix right now. If you were really stinky, the 1000 miles or so wouldn't stop the stink!

Nutmegger

I've been here longer and I really had no big expectations of getting lots of letters -- the only way to keep in touch those days -- so I wasn't disappointed! But my mother wrote every week, and my sister once in a while. I only spoke to my family on Christmas Day because it was so expensive and one had to actually book an overseas call with the operator! I lost track of all the friends in London very rapidly, but they were getting on with their lives and I never blamed them. However my best friend from back in Yorkshire is still my best friend -- we may not have written much, but we did keep in touch and now we can look at each other on Skype once in a while!

But I have always believed that the fact that in those days the move across the ocean so drastically cut the ties made me get on with my life here instead of looking backwards at what and who I'd left behind.

randomgirl

You have a good point there - maybe it's for the best to lose touch with certain people! I just need to leave them behind as they have with me, I think. Wish I would've done it sooner to be honest!

Bomjeito

Sometimes is adjusting your expectations.

When I moved to the UK (lived there 2 years), I didn't expect 'care' packages. I mean, I can buy chocolates and things in the UK. My mom sent christmas gifts but we finally both agreed it wasn't worth it with the postage, as we saw each other every 8-10 months.

For my adult years, my whole family only does gifts when we are together (as in back in the USA or at a family get together) and no one is offended. We all know the 'deal.' Any gift found, would simply wait until the next in-person gathering. It made everything more special, actually.

Throughout my adult life, years ago, care packages were easier to pack up and mail. Now its a nightmare at post offices, and the prices are crazy high. So please understand that folks in your life may simply find that too annoying. It cannot mean they don't like you anymore, or have forgotten you.

Regarding the wedding and gifts. I only received cards and/or presents from those I invited. I did not invited EVERYONE I knew to the wedding in Scotland...most would not and could not attend from around the world. And to allay their need to feel obligated to send presents, I did not invite some folks. All that I did invite, sent at least a card in congratulations. Did you send a formal invitation to those from whom you expected a card in return?

After the wedding, I sent a one page picture letter to everyone else, after the fact, then I received letters back.

For Christmas, I sent a newsletter as well. This as well garnered back contact from the other parts of the world and my former life.

I understand its difficult to start over in a new country - to find new friends, etc. You are working on that. (Good!) Please understand that the folks back home understand that you are building a life, not just taking a gap year, or a long term stay in the USA. Some may not yet comprehend that you are no longer LIVING there.... and others simply think you (too) have moved on in YOUR life. Keep reaching out to them.

You will find out who you can depend on for correspondence. I've a few friends that simply DON'T - no facebook, nothing. But when I land, they are the first that I contact and we pick up just where we left off.

Hug yourself! Your husband loves you, and your life is entering a whole new trajectory! Reach out to those that you miss, and tell them so. They'll remember it AND YOU.

ETA: Yorkieabroad's comment on time and travel with UK folk. I grew up driving 12 hours from NY to the Carolinas, sleeping a few hours in the car then another 12 hours to Miami - for spring break. Americans will drive countless hours (ever drive Houston to El Paso?) In Scotland, we'd plan a trip from Inverness to the Borders, and invariably, someone will ask, "Should we stay over somewhere on the journey?" My UKC husband's folks simply find the 10 hours from London to Houston 'unbearable.'

I'm not in Phoenix, but next time I score a REAL Cadbury bar, I'll send you one!

fsm

Laughing at this I even get asked if I am Australian.

Several times I get asked what part of England are you from, I reply I am not and they don't believe me, so I roll the accent a wee bit and tell them I am British, but not English The truth is I don't give a hoot but it is fun to wind people up

Ash UK/US

I honestly think I would not be able to cope living here if I did not drive, I was naive in thinking that getting around the US (well the city I live in) would be easy like in the UK, ohhhhh was I wrong, my first bus trip downtown scared me for life LOL. I got my driving license as soon as I could. Not sure about where the OP lives but here you would be very isolated without car.

Desdemona

I haven't read all the posts but just like you, hubby and I moved here 12 years ago along with my American Dad and English Mother and younger brother (My Mum was half-Indian --she passed away a few years ago sadly) -- hubby is British by birth, now a naturalised American). The thing is I was born and raised (we both were hubby and I) in Singapore so I was as much a stranger in the US as you are.
Not having gone to school here I had no connections to this country other than sundry relatives and cousins from my Dad's side. We both missed our mates but have managed to re-connect via facebook with many of them.
Even after twelve years I really can't say I have completely settled in here, we both miss our former lives. But it has got better.
One suggestion though. I noticed you said you don't drive. My advice is that you should learn and get your own car, not one you share with your hubby. One that is exclusively yours so you can just get away and do your own thing. Acquire your own hobbies. I have started playing Bridge and I do that with every Monday and Tuesday and I have made lots of new friends that way. Rest of the time I go to Curves and work out usually three days a week. And through Curves I have started doing Zumba. We have got ourselves a travel trailer and travel within the US during the summer months. We also travel overseas quite a lot.
Like you I've never had to work and so never had the opportunity to make friends through work. But I do help out in the family business (only when the mood takes me) which my husband runs for my Dad who now works only part time.
So now I have no time to miss my old mates, because I'm much too busy. And I have my Zumba mates and my Bridge mates. In other words our common interests keep us together. And through a travel club we joined we have found a handful of really good friends because of our common interests in travel within the US in our RV's. Life is great but it did take a little time to get there. So hang in there, try to live in the here and now and to hell with the people who have forgotten you. Out of sight is usually out of mind with some. It's a sad fact we have to accept sometimes .... Good luck girl. It will work out, I promise you!!

avanutria

Haha, this reminds me of comments from one of my former best friends after I moved to the UK. He kept complaining that I was using "the wrong spelling" and "weird words" and I started to find that *really* annoying. I think he thought it was funny, but I asked him to stop a couple times without any effect.

randomgirl

Thanks for your reply
I, like you, didn't send formal invitations to a lot of people because I also didn't want anyone to feel as though they were obligated to travel all that way. I get what you're saying about not sending cards if you're not invited to the wedding, but many of these people are people who I've spent a great deal of time and money attending their weddings and buying them nice wedding gifts etc. I don't really think it's too much to expect a simple card in return - especially as I made it very clear to everyone that anyone who wanted to come to our wedding was more than welcome to. (My own parents didn't come to my wedding - despite my dad insisting he would! I gave everyone as much notice as I could given the visa timelines, which was almost 5 months, and he never bothered to book the time off work until a few months later when he found out he couldn't then have the time off so he tried to pressure me to change our wedding date... It was already paid for by that point and other people had arranged their time off etc, so I declined! Rightly or wrongly - he messes me around so much and always has, and I didn't want to cave to his ridiculous demands over our wedding!!!)

I sent a DVD of our best wedding photos and our video to a lot of people "back home" - got a few emails back from those who are good at keeping in touch anyway, but the rest were unresponsive!

You must have better friends than me! I didn't even get a simple email from most people at Christmas - no card, nothing. Not even a mention of "thanks for sending us a card all the way from Arizona" - nothing at all!


I fully understand what you're saying, but although to some extent I have moved on with my life I'm still trying to keep in contact with all those people in the UK. They can't turn around and say that I've ignored them since I got here!

Thank you! I'm very lucky that I have such a lovely, understanding husband


Hehe, that made me smile I don't even by Cadbury chocolate over here 'cos all I hear about it is complaints!