simon2129

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur
>>>> Purdey about a large gas
>>>> bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree
>>>> it was rather high for
>>>> the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been
>>>> charged for the gas
>>>> used up during the explosion that destroyed his
>>>> house." (The Daily
>>>> Telegraph)
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> 2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for
>>>> shoplifting had a whole salami
>>>> in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was
>>>> because she was missing
>>>> her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> 3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search
>>>> for a stolen van, because
>>>> they cannot issue a description. It's a Special
>>>> Branch vehicle and they
>>>> don't want the public to know what it looks like.
>>>> (The Guardian)
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> 4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of
>>>> inflatable teeth was
>>>> rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast
>>>> guard spokesman
>>>> commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
>>>> (The Times)
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> 5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster
>>>> radioed a coastguard and
>>>> asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he
>>>> was sorry, but he
>>>> didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help,
>>>> the wind had just blown
>>>> his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening
>>>> Express)
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> 6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe,
>>>> delighted the audience
>>>> with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war
>>>> who was sent each week
>>>> to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of
>>>> 1945, she recalled.
>>>> "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when
>>>> the crocuses came up in
>>>> the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt
>>>> out 'Heil Hitler.'"
>>>> (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> A list of actual announcements that London Tube
>>>> train drivers have made to
>>>> their passengers...
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> 1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the
>>>> delay to your service. I
>>>> know you're all dying to get home, unless, of
>>>> course, you happen to be
>>>> married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to
>>>> cross over to the
>>>> Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> 2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line
>>>> controller suffering from
>>>> E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his
>>>> backside. I'll let you know
>>>> any further information as soon as I'm given any."
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> 3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news?
>>>> The good news is that
>>>> last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and
>>>> had a great time. The
>>>> bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere
>>>> between Stratford and
>>>> East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
>>>> destination."
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> 4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the
>>>> delay, but there is a
>>>> security alert at Victoria station and we are
>>>> therefore stuck here for the
>>>> foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it
>>>> and pass some time
>>>> together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles,
>>>> hanging on a
>>>> wall.....'."
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> 5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As
>>>> you can see, Baker
>>>> Street is closed. It would have been nice if they
>>>> had actually told me, so
>>>> I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think
>>>> about things like that".
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> 6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do
>>>> NOT encourage these
>>>> professional beggars. If you have any spare change,
>>>> please give it to a
>>>> registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> 7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central
>>>> Line, the driver
>>>> announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this
>>>> way for the sauna,
>>>> ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are
>>>> not provided."
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> 8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause
>>>> .) "Oh go on then,
>>>> stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -
>>>> I'm going home...."
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> 9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to
>>>> confuse this with 'Please
>>>> hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and
>>>> separate instructions."
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> 10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from
>>>> the doors means that
>>>> the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw
>>>> yourself or your bags
>>>> into the doors."
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> 11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their
>>>> hand stuck in the
>>>> door."
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> 12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat
>>>> trying to get on the
>>>> second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the
>>>> doors' don't you
>>>> understand?"
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> 13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors."
>>>> (Pause..) "Please move
>>>> ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...)
>>>> "This is a personal message
>>>> to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the
>>>> rear of the train: Put
>>>> the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf
>>>> clubs away from the door
>>>> before I come down there and shove them up your a**e
>>>> sideways!"
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> 14) "May I remind all passengers that there is
>>>> strictly no smoking allowed
>>>> on any part of the Underground. However, if you are
>>>> smoking a joint, it's
>>>> only fair that you pass it round the rest of the
>>>> carriage."