Ragomuffin

A few years ago I took a client for a drink in a bar in Covent Garden. After slowly pushing our way to the bar I asked the barman for a pint of Guinness.

His reply: 'I'm sorry sir, we don't sell Guinness. We find it attracts the wrong kind of clientele'.

Here are some other great put downs:-

Dorothy Parker
A favourite Parker retort is to a publisher anxious for her to send in some written work, which was overdue - 'Tell him I'm f**king busy, or vice versa.'

'You can lead a horticulture, but you cannot make her think.'

(On being told that the infamously quiet President Calvin Coolidge had died) 'How could they tell?'

'This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.'

Clare Boothe Luce - (inviting Dorothy Parker to enter a room first) Age before beauty.
Dorothy Parker - (accepting the invitation) Pearls before swine.

Winston Churchill
Nancy Astor - You're drunk.
Churchill - And you're ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.

Nancy Astor - If you were my husband, I would poison your tea.
Churchill - Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.

Anonymous woman - There are two things I don't like about you, Mr Churchill - your politics and your moustache.
Churchill - My dear madam, pray do not disturb yourself. You are not likely to come into contact with either.

Anonymous
You're so fat you've got your own post code.

You're so poor you go to KFC to lick other people's fingers.

You're so stupid you cook with Old Spice.

I believe your father was a boxer... and your mother a Dalmatian.

You're so spotty, blind people read you.

Heckling Put downs
Comedy is my job. You're interrupting; do you want me to come round your work tomorrow and hide your mop?

Sorry, I don't speak pissed.

Isn't it a school night?

Glad you could make it, although I'm sure I didn't see the Sunshine Coach outside when I came in.

Has your carer got the night off?

Bringing your own jokes to a comedy club? Nice style; do you take your guitar to rock concerts too?

Julian Clary
Is that your face, or has your neck just vomited?

leighbloke

To one of mates from a new girlfriend "It's like a d***, only smaller"

sarahchirles

An army one... pull up a sandbag..

Probably only a girl could get away with this, and I am not sure it is a put down but more of social meeting of a ' frisky' ' ginned up' Commissioned Captain still trying to get it on...

'With all due respect to your rank sir... Shut your festering gob you TW**!'

It worked... and Monday morning was very interesting...

Lionda

I used to know loads, but only used them on blokes I wasn't interested in ........... now the one I was interested in, that's a different story

genegenie

The ones you were interested in.

Ragomuffin

For my fortieth, me and a group of mates went away for a weekend at a golf and spa complex. I was single at the time and in the bar on the first night we got talking to some girls, one of whom was quite appealing. It was all going swimmingly until one of the girls asked us whether we were there for the golf. My mate, a little pissed said "Yes, and you?". "Oh, we're here for the beauty treatment", she replied. "Can you afford a month here at their prices", he said.

They disappeared after that. Thanks Ian!

Ragomuffin

The best one:

A bloke's hanging around a group of girls, they keep moving away but there he is again. Eventually he plucks up enough courage and asks one of them "Can I buy you a drink. She replies "No thanks, Thrush". "Why did you call me Thrush?" he enquires.

"Cos you're an irritating twat!"

Decency prevents me, but you can of course add a different epithet at the end.

Same Difference

Ragomuffin

A friend of mine is one of that rare breed - a Fulham fan. He asked the other day if he could take my dog for a walk. I replied, altogether now...

"No, because you can't hold on to a lead"