toyboy23

Could be a pop group, but no…

Many years ago when I attended a ‘Change to Self Employment’ seminar, the speaker warned 1) not to spend time with negative people, and 2) in his experience, your family will be the most negative of all. Thinking back now, he was spot on with that. Most major changes in my life (of my volition) have typically been accompanied by negative parental and sibling soothsaying.

With possibly the biggest ever change coming up, that of selling up and moving to Spain, all hell has been let loose by my sister, causing terrible stress within the family. We made ‘the announcement’ years in advance, especially so that my mother could get used to the idea, but big sis has used that time to create all sorts of unrest within the family and has spared no effort trying to upset my brother too.

No explanation has ever been forthcoming, despite my attempts to pour oil on troubled waters. (olive oil of course) So how did the big change of moving away affect your family relationships?

I’m sure for some it must have been handled positively. I’d like to know the good stories too of course, but a bit of a wallow in the mire might be interesting.

DebsyW

Sounds like she`s jealous for some reason.
My Dad came from Spain to England. He was an only child so no problems with siblings and his parents were very supportive. We visited family in Spain for a month every year, when I was a child, and my parents still do so.
Sod her. It`ll all settle down once you are in Spain... it`s your life. Let her stew in her own juices. xxx

crispy

Mal and I have been very, very lucky where our family and friends have been concerned no negative waves from anyone only positives thoughts.

Our siblings could not have been happier for us and in the first few months of moving here they were incredibly supportive to us in a finical way allowing us to carry on with doing improvements until the old bank manager got his act together.

My main worry was my mum and I know I would have been terribly distressed at leaving the UK knowing she was so frail but thankfully for small mercy's she passed away a couple of months before our move here. She knew of our plans to move and not once did she say anything negative about it to either us or the family, she believed life was for living and you had to get out there an do it.

Our children were of course upset that we were leaving as were the grandkids but they all put a brave face on the situation and thought of all those free holidays they were going to get.

Sorry toyboy no psycho siblings here, well only the one doing the typing but that don't count in this case This is your life and you have to do what you and mrs toyboy thinks is best for your family, your sister will be the lonely one in time when the rest of the family see her for what she is. The thing to remember though is she is your sister and for all her faults she needs you...........not in your coat pocket but let her know that no matter what, you will always be there for her. Even if the words choke a little when you say them, in time she will come to realise that.

I have to bite my tongue with one of my sisters and remember the promise I made my mum

pete_l

Possibly, jealous of losing her brother, or envious of his new life.
I wonder if it's because she's faced with the idea that toyboy23
is going away and making something of his life - while she is still "stuck"
with her unresolved dreams and ambitions.
If so, she may now realise just how cr@p her life is (or thinks it is) - relative
to the real or imaginged "romance" of going to live in another country.

(apols. for the psychobabble)

leighbloke

Don't have a brother or sister.
Is your sis kicking up the fuss the one left nearest your mum ? Is she thinking that as she grows older it will be her that has to look after her??
As an only child this "perceived" end game has affected a couple of big decisions in my life.

toyboy23

Yes DebsyW, I think that’s partly the problem. For many years though, she’s been the martyr of the family where no one can have problems worse than hers.

Thanks for your input Crispy. My main worry is also my mum. She’s still very compos mentis (more than can be said for my sister) and the last thing I want is for her to be affected by what’s going on.

I have let my sister know that I care, and offered so many times to see her and talk, but she’s refused outright. Strange really as I’m the brother she always could talk to. Her last letter said: ‘don’t write, don’t phone and don’t message’, so there’s not a lot I can do. She lives near to my mother, unfortunately 200mls away. She’s not averse to dumping all her woes on mum, and that’s something she can definitely do without at 85.

Happily, my two daughters are not upset about our move. We deliberately waited till the point where they were leaving home and doing their own thing. Elder daughter has some outline plans to leave the UK in the next couple of years.

I think you make good points there pete_l, but possibly it’s more connected with the brother left behind, who smokes heavily, drinks heavily and stares at the TV.

Leighbloke, you’re spot on with a lot of that. However it was mum that moved to the West Country quite a while ago. Sis then moved to within ten miles of her. Of late she’s moved even nearer. A couple of visits ago, my mum tearfully complained to me that although she’s so near she has no time for her, and just rushes in and out with a bag of shopping or whatever.

In the circumstances, alienating the one brother that is prepared to put in some time and effort seems very strange.

Lionda

No psycho siblings - just a psycho sil :curse:

kaylee

In my opinion you have to go for it. I have been my moms main carer for nearly 20 yrs, she has agoraphobia. Sometimes you just have to be selfish. I have two brothers who int done anything in terms of looking after my mom, when I go on holiday its my kids who do my moms shopping and make sure she is ok, I think its about time my brothers did their bit and I can't keep putting my life on hold no matter how much I love me mom and nor should you. I wish my mom would come with us but she won't but she thinks we are doing the right thing

toyboy23

Now come on, you can’t tantalise us like that and just leave it! Thinking about it, my SIL is pretty dire, but at least she’s not an active troublemaker.

kaylee, thanks. Yes, we are definitely going for it, no hesitation there. There was hesitation for a while as we were main carers for my MIL who passed away not long ago. She had Parkinson’s for many years, and latterly, dementia, so we certainly had our work cut out at times. Like you, it’s funny how the siblings fade away when the going gets tough… So in all we’ve also put our plans on hold for too long and it’s time to get on with life.

It’s interesting that not many on here seem to have experienced this problem. Must tell my sister…