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Losing Your Independence

Losing Your Independence

Old Jan 11th 2007, 2:16 pm
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Default Losing Your Independence

Mainly for the ladies. Do you feel that moving to spain and living 24-7 with your partner and perhaps downsizing to one car between you that you tend to lose your independence? I certainly do. Whereas in the UK on the days off I would just go off and do my own thing in my own car, now I feel guilty about leaving the other half at home on his own. Also there are a lot of women who give up driving when they move over and have to be ferried around. Do they regret this?
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Old Jan 11th 2007, 2:29 pm
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Default Re: Losing Your Independence

Originally Posted by glynis
Mainly for the ladies. Do you feel that moving to spain and living 24-7 with your partner and perhaps downsizing to one car between you that you tend to lose your independence? I certainly do. Whereas in the UK on the days off I would just go off and do my own thing in my own car, now I feel guilty about leaving the other half at home on his own. Also there are a lot of women who give up driving when they move over and have to be ferried around. Do they regret this?
Hi Glynis

We haven't moved over to Spain yet (paperwork ) but hope to do so in the next few months. As for losing your independence and being with hubby 24/7 there is no reason why you should. I am hoping to get my independence back when we move. New life, new place, new start I am with hubby 24/7 and when we moved to the South of England from the north 9 years ago I also stopped driving I intend to re-organise my life when we move. It's ok being together 24/7 but sometimes a girl needs to get out on her own!
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Old Jan 11th 2007, 2:59 pm
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Default Re: Losing Your Independence

Originally Posted by glynis
Mainly for the ladies. Do you feel that moving to spain and living 24-7 with your partner and perhaps downsizing to one car between you that you tend to lose your independence? I certainly do. Whereas in the UK on the days off I would just go off and do my own thing in my own car, now I feel guilty about leaving the other half at home on his own. Also there are a lot of women who give up driving when they move over and have to be ferried around. Do they regret this?

Interesting thread.

The amount of marriages/partnerships I've seen in trouble because of the "big move" is incredible. What you describe is certainly a huge factor and not only for women. The world suddenly becomes much smaller and things taken for granted before are now scrutinsed to an extent that it puts a huge strain on relationships. There are a lot less places to hide!!!! It's very easy to get swept away by things when you're here and people have terrible trouble adjusting - especially if one spouse adjusts quicker than the other.

It all sounds like an amazing adventure when planning it out in the UK but the reality is a lot different. The green-eyed monster rears ugly head more often, little tiffs and squabbles become all-out warfare, being swept away by the "holiday" devil may care ambience is fun at first but becomes a hassle as it wears on, and of course the biggie - money worries as you watch your daily expenditure rise and your savings dwindle.

Thankfully - touch wood - I don't have that problem as I didn't "transfer" a life from the UK but rather built one here. But as I said, seen so many suffer because, in most cases, of naivety
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Old Jan 11th 2007, 3:39 pm
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Default Re: Losing Your Independence

It is an interesting thread, Glynis and I were talking about whilst having a very enjoyable girly lunch in Chiclana today. I think getting used to sharing one car is the hardest part, budget will often mean you cannot have two and public transport is often not available and friends dont live close enough to pick you up.

Another major issue is both partners have often worked full time until deciding to relocate, so they are start their 24/7 life together at what is already a stressful time. There is often a lot of shopping to be done for the new home, not generally mens favorite occupation!

I dont have any problem spending long lengths of time with my husband, I worked from home for 17 years in the UK and my husband worked partially from home so we were used to being together. One thing I have found though is that I have reverted to doing the traditional womans tasks around the home and waiting for him to the DIY whereas before I would happily put a shelf up etc. Maybe I am becoming more spanish than I thought, wish the language would stick better though!

I think, in general that women are better at seeking out new social lives than men and that in turn can become a problem if husbands and partners are left behind increasingly often.

The main thing is to discuss these things openly with partners before it becomes an issue and maybe to buy a pushbike!!!

Yvonne
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Old Jan 11th 2007, 5:23 pm
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Default Re: Losing Your Independence

Originally Posted by YMF
It is an interesting thread, Glynis and I were talking about whilst having a very enjoyable girly lunch in Chiclana today. I think getting used to sharing one car is the hardest part, budget will often mean you cannot have two and public transport is often not available and friends dont live close enough to pick you up.

Another major issue is both partners have often worked full time until deciding to relocate, so they are start their 24/7 life together at what is already a stressful time. There is often a lot of shopping to be done for the new home, not generally mens favorite occupation!

I dont have any problem spending long lengths of time with my husband, I worked from home for 17 years in the UK and my husband worked partially from home so we were used to being together. One thing I have found though is that I have reverted to doing the traditional womans tasks around the home and waiting for him to the DIY whereas before I would happily put a shelf up etc. Maybe I am becoming more spanish than I thought, wish the language would stick better though!

I think, in general that women are better at seeking out new social lives than men and that in turn can become a problem if husbands and partners are left behind increasingly often.

The main thing is to discuss these things openly with partners before it becomes an issue and maybe to buy a pushbike!!!

Yvonne
Interestingly Yvonne it was a search for alternative means of transport for when I am out in Spain that led me to the forum. Dreaming of the day when I just get off the plane at Jerez and jump on a series of buses with my backpack, for an extended stay, I was wondering how to minimise the cost of transport incurred by a long hire period or keeping a car there. Googling 'electric bikes Chiclana' led to me to one of the elex threads.
Seriously has no one considered a moped, electric bike or even one of those four wheeled buggies as a cheaper alternative to a car ?? Even in the London traffic scooters and mopeds are increasingly evident.
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Old Jan 11th 2007, 5:38 pm
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Default Re: Losing Your Independence

Not lost my independence, but lost my job LOL
I miss going to work
On the car front I do all the driving so I have not felt that loss.
We dont seem to be in each others pockets though we have independent interests which is good.
We are renovating a house so my other half is doing all the work there and I well, miss my job.
When the house is finished then my job will start again so I surpose I should enjoy the freedom that is left.
I can understand the frustration and men do love there cars, I am lucky that way mine prefers me to drive and he navigates ....but that is another story ....LOL
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Old Jan 11th 2007, 5:50 pm
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Default Re: Losing Your Independence

Originally Posted by glynis
Mainly for the ladies. Do you feel that moving to spain and living 24-7 with your partner and perhaps downsizing to one car between you that you tend to lose your independence? I certainly do. Whereas in the UK on the days off I would just go off and do my own thing in my own car, now I feel guilty about leaving the other half at home on his own. Also there are a lot of women who give up driving when they move over and have to be ferried around. Do they regret this?
Hi Glynis

I rely on my OH for all my outings, We both took early retirement in 2005 and moved here permanently, I had a very busy social life (he on the other hand did not) and when we first arrived here I loved spending 24/7 with him (still do really) OH is the most amazing person and will stop whatever he is doing to indulge my every whim, I only have to say I want to go out and off we go; anywhere just for a ride out to see the sights.

I did drive back in Blighty, but here; well I don't think I could cope with the Chiclana driver! I also feel guilty about going out and leaving him on his own, the look of hurt on his face is heart wrenching when I mention that I might ventured forth on my own, he says "I'll take you, drop you off, you ring when your ready and I'll come fetch you". But just occasionally I would love to be spontaneous and just go out on my own, I am beginning to miss the independence I had of just hopping on a bus or train, meeting friends and family for coffee in town was so easy then. I love where I live but sometime I think being in a town would have been better because I know I would have been much more independent there then I am now.

Having said that what do you know about buses, I am a little nervous about trying them as my Spanish is still very sparse, I seem to remember someone telling me you buy the tickets somewhere before you board does anyone know if that is correct.
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Old Jan 11th 2007, 5:56 pm
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Default Re: Losing Your Independence

Originally Posted by crispygirl
Hi Glynis

I rely on my OH for all my outings, We both took early retirement in 2005 and moved here permanently, I had a very busy social life (he on the other hand did not) and when we first arrived here I loved spending 24/7 with him (still do really) OH is the most amazing person and will stop whatever he is doing to indulge my every whim, I only have to say I want to go out and off we go; anywhere just for a ride out to see the sights.

I did drive back in Blighty, but here; well I don't think I could cope with the Chiclana driver! I also feel guilty about going out and leaving him on his own, the look of hurt on his face is heart wrenching when I mention that I might ventured forth on my own, he says "I'll take you, drop you off, you ring when your ready and I'll come fetch you". But just occasionally I would love to be spontaneous and just go out on my own, I am beginning to miss the independence I had of just hopping on a bus or train, meeting friends and family for coffee in town was so easy then. I love where I live but sometime I think being in a town would have been better because I know I would have been much more independent there then I am now.

Having said that what do you know about buses, I am a little nervous about trying them as my Spanish is still very sparse, I seem to remember someone telling me you buy the tickets somewhere before you board does anyone know if that is correct.

My hubby is like that, he will take me wherever I want to go and collect me when I'm ready. We have worked together though for such a long time that it would be strange to be without him now!

As for buses, I remember having to buy a ticket at an office in Fenguirola and Benalmadena also when we were in Tarragona. Haven't caught a bus on the Costa Blanca yet as we always have a hire car but I expect it's the same.
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Old Jan 11th 2007, 6:35 pm
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Default Re: Losing Your Independence

Originally Posted by glynis
Mainly for the ladies. Do you feel that moving to spain and living 24-7 with your partner and perhaps downsizing to one car between you that you tend to lose your independence? I certainly do. Whereas in the UK on the days off I would just go off and do my own thing in my own car, now I feel guilty about leaving the other half at home on his own. Also there are a lot of women who give up driving when they move over and have to be ferried around. Do they regret this?

Glynis, from a mans point of view, I actually feel this myself! Back home I used to get to play golf every couple of weeks but since I've been here I haven't played once and mainly because I feel guilty about going out. We have two cars so its not as if she can't go out, but we generally only go out together!!!!

Also our Belgian neighbour, as you mention above, has stopped driving since shes been living here as she only goes out when her husband does.
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Old Jan 11th 2007, 7:43 pm
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Default Re: Losing Your Independence

I think that one of the fatal mistakes that women make on relocation to Spain is leaving the driving to their partner. I have numerous friends who just kinda let it slide and are now totally dependent on their partners.....it´s one of the pieces of advice that I give all women... drive, get out there and drive.

As for the 24/7 thing ...this is a feature of retirement no matter where. Men, in particular, find it very difficult to go from work to zero and women find it difficult to have them underfoot all day....it´s a whole new ball game, isn´t it?
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Old Jan 11th 2007, 7:57 pm
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Default Re: Losing Your Independence

I really enjoy using the buses when I come over for a quick week on my own - I do this about 4 times a year. My OH is quite happy to have a quiet time without me! He looks forward to hearing about my adventures.

Depending where you are in Spain it is quite easy to look up the bus services on the internet - generally you buy your ticket at the bus station and the buses are very comfortable and you get to meet some really interesting, likeminded people on your travels. Definately worth thinking about.

What about weekly Spanish classes in a nearby town?

I still laugh about the time we owned a pueblo house, I came over on my own a few times but became aware that the village women were a bit put out about this and everyone seemed to clock me back in the evenings! (small trips down to Altea to get the sea air). I had to be home by 8.30pm at the latest.lol
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Old Jan 11th 2007, 8:01 pm
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Default Re: Losing Your Independence

I use local buses and you buy the ticket on the bus, just say where you are going and hand over your money. My problem is we don't live close to a bus stop so I have a bit of a walk and they are not that frequent, so if you miss one you have to wait for about half an hour.

My hubby uses the car for work but I would be absolutely terrified of driving on the roads here anyway.:scared:
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Old Jan 11th 2007, 8:01 pm
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Default Re: Losing Your Independence

Originally Posted by jenna m
I really enjoy using the buses when I come over for a quick week on my own - I do this about 4 times a year. My OH is quite happy to have a quiet time without me! He looks forward to hearing about my adventures.

Depending where you are in Spain it is quite easy to look up the bus services on the internet - generally you buy your ticket at the bus station and the buses are very comfortable and you get to meet some really interesting, likeminded people on your travels. Definately worth thinking about.

What about weekly Spanish classes in a nearby town?

I still laugh about the time we owned a pueblo house, I came over on my own a few times but became aware that the village women were a bit put out about this and everyone seemed to clock me back in the evenings! (small trips down to Altea to get the sea air). I had to be home by 8.30pm at the latest.lol
They were wondering why you were home so early, before most Spanish go out ;-)
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Old Jan 11th 2007, 8:32 pm
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Default Re: Losing Your Independence

Originally Posted by jjh
I use local buses and you buy the ticket on the bus, just say where you are going and hand over your money. My problem is we don't live close to a bus stop so I have a bit of a walk and they are not that frequent, so if you miss one you have to wait for about half an hour.

My hubby uses the car for work but I would be absolutely terrified of driving on the roads here anyway.:scared:
Thank for the info, bus travel will go on my to do list.
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Old Jan 11th 2007, 8:44 pm
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Default Re: Losing Your Independence

The women in my village never went out - except during the Fiestas, so my wanderings were of great interest!
A friend married to a Spaniard once told me that when she occasionally went down to the coast that she had to be back home before the end of tapas time.

Last edited by jenna m; Jan 11th 2007 at 8:46 pm.
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