I was about 9 when my father died. I think at that age I wasn't aware of what was happening. I wasn't taken to the funeral or told exactly what was happening until after he was cremated and scattered.

In all honesty I don't know if that affected me or not.

Different children feel different things in a variety of ways.

We had a friend die last year, from cancer. He was staying with us for the last few months and our children (11, 11 and 13 at the time) always went down to visit him.

When he finally passed away, we asked our children if they wanted to pay their respects at the funeral. We had been to a funeral in Spain previously so I tried to explain that things were (generally) done somewhat differently here.

They all asked to attend!

What shocked me most, and I thought it would perhaps upset our children, was that the body was prepared and then put 'on display' for all to pay respects to. Seeing him lying there was quite a shock for me. Anyway, the children were great and very respectful.

When it came time for the cremation, we went into the room set aside for 'speeches' and there he was, laid out again but this time in the open.

Once again the children were fine.

All I can say is that I have never been more proud of our children and the way they behaved that day. They have not been affected by the proceedings nor did they upset any of the other mourners.

All-in-all, they believe (as I do) that they did the right thing in attending the funeral of a close friend.

Snikpoh, Can I ask you about the cremation because I have been given to understand that when a cremation is requested that the undertakers deal with it and tell you when it is over. However, it seems that you had a different experience, with the mourners being involved. Could you tell me how it went on practical terms?

Rosemary

Hi Rosemary,

We asked the undertaker to take care of all the arrangements. Firstly he organised that the body be prepared - this including asking if the deceased had a favourite after shave! Anyway, we were then asked to come to the tanatoria (spelling?), where he was laid out behind glass. We had our own private room where we could all meet and pass on our condolences etc. Just before we were due to leave for the crematorium, his wife was asked if she wanted to say a personal goodbye. She was taken behind the glass to say goodbye (hence the after shave) - she later said how fantastic it was to see him 'looking so well' and 'smelling' like she remembered.

We all then followed the hearse to the crematorium (some 40Km away as, surprisingly, there aren't that many in the Valencia region - we had a closer one in Javea but that's in Alicante apparently).

At the crem, we all filed into the 'chapel' and, to our surprise, there he was in an open coffin for all to see. A few words were said, tears shed and then the lid was placed on the coffin. We were then ushered into a room behind the chapel. Behind glass we watched as the coffin was put into the 'oven' and the burners turned on - nothing like in UK where it's done behind curtains etc.

And that was it. A week later the undertaker called to say that the ashes were ready to be picked up along with the necessary paperwork (which they had prepared with the town hall etc), and, the remaining after shave!

It was so well organised - everyone was very happy with the proceedings, despite it being so different to the UK format.

And the price -

Really ? We had a bit of a hiccup yesterday because we'd chosen a lovely willow casket to suit my mother's environmental beliefs (I know, I know, burial is more environmentally friendly than cremation but cremation was another belief...) then the funeral director realised she'd overlooked that the crematorium can't do willow/bamboo/etc any later than 10.40 in the morning - we'd chosen an early after lunch slot - because they have to be cremated early in the day. Only because I asked, she did explain why. Details here: Oh, and apparently it's a fallacy that the caskets 'go in' as the curtains close, it could be any time up until the end of the crematorium's working day.... so maybe even a few hours. Not sure if that made me more comfortable, or less. There's always seemed something so final about that curtain-shutting moment.
Mind you, I suppose different crematoriums might have different systems....

That sounds like an experience - for you.

as we get older we tend to forget what it was like when we were kids, used to open the door to people we didn't know but knew us or stuffed into the back room when everyone came to the house and used to prepare and layout snacks etc for when they all came back from the funeral.

such experiences can have a profound effect on the child in later life. being treated as an adult even at quite young ages and allowed to attend is important.

Sorry, I would draw the line at crying babies.

Of course they do, but the problem is you wont know how they view it until later in their life.

So true. I am a great believer in treating children as adults (assuming they have the maturity) but then being there in case they have questions etc.

Eeeewwww. don't fancy that much. If anything happens to the OH I think we will skip that bit and just go straight on to the boiled ham tea. At least there's no shortage of ham, this being Spain!

Thanks for the invite, any idea when it will be, I would not want it to clash with an important sporting event that I would need to buy advance tickets for.

Thanks in advance. JL