Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
Aug 4th 2008, 11:43 pm
#16
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 232
Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
well the plot thickens.....I emailed one of the bridesmaids yesterday to ask if it would be ok if I could send her a message to be read out by the best man at the wedding. I was also putting a 'memory book' together for the bride, of photos and well wishes to her from the hens, as my token of appreciation to her. The bridesmaid has told me that the book is no longer appropriate, and the message wont be read out, for the way that I have treated the bride. 
Apparently I have known for a long time that I couldnt come to the wedding, so I should have just let the bride know ages ago.
I guess in life no matter how 'adult' you try to deal with things, people will never see how the situation is for you, and treat you as a 'villan'.
It still hurts though.
Apparently I have known for a long time that I couldnt come to the wedding, so I should have just let the bride know ages ago.
I guess in life no matter how 'adult' you try to deal with things, people will never see how the situation is for you, and treat you as a 'villan'.
It still hurts though.
Aug 6th 2008, 9:54 am
#17
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Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 2,285
Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
Ouch! and if you had been going when exactly was the dress fitting or is it not that of Wedding? Surely there's always someone who is willing to be a bridesmaid....and how many does she need anyway?
I'd still send a card if I were you, just so she can't claim never to have heard anymore from you.
Maybe go place your bets on how soon the divorce will be....first disagreement with new hubby maybe?
I'd still send a card if I were you, just so she can't claim never to have heard anymore from you.
Maybe go place your bets on how soon the divorce will be....first disagreement with new hubby maybe?
Aug 7th 2008, 5:09 am
#18
lionheart
Joined: Apr 2008
Location: papamoa
Posts: 571
Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
What a stinger.
Could explain to bridesmaid that you were trying to find a way to make it over. Bet your glad of the decision you made now.
Yes friends feel hurt when you disappoint them, but it's for the right reasons, they want to share with you. But they do understand and accept without it affecting the friendship.
Pauline
Could explain to bridesmaid that you were trying to find a way to make it over. Bet your glad of the decision you made now.
Yes friends feel hurt when you disappoint them, but it's for the right reasons, they want to share with you. But they do understand and accept without it affecting the friendship.
Pauline
Aug 7th 2008, 9:35 am
#19
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 171
Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
jesus sounds like a bit of a bridzilla,
anything you do will be taken the wrong way,
Chill out don't worry and raise a glass to her on the day.
she'll simmer down and get over it after a while
anything you do will be taken the wrong way,
Chill out don't worry and raise a glass to her on the day.
she'll simmer down and get over it after a while
Aug 7th 2008, 11:50 am
#20
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Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
I would still send a message or a card,that way if they choose not to read it out they are the ones being stupid and childish,not you. Don't worry about it,better off not going I say.
Phyllis
Phyllis
Aug 11th 2008, 10:02 am
#21
Winter hibernator
Joined: May 2007
Location: Miramar - Wellington - North Island - New Zealand
Posts: 779
Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
Tell her to get married here in NZ, fantastic scenery for thoise wedding pics and they can fly off to Fiji for the honeymoon.
This would mean you can go and she would be talking about it for years to come.
On the otherhand if she says it would be too expensive to come over then dump her as a friend because obviously she doesn't care about your feelings and how upset you would be.
Its a bummer whats happening but these are the problems when you move to another country halfway around the world. You can only do so much and its not worth the debt to keep people pleased that you only email / talk to on the phone.
This would mean you can go and she would be talking about it for years to come.
On the otherhand if she says it would be too expensive to come over then dump her as a friend because obviously she doesn't care about your feelings and how upset you would be.
Its a bummer whats happening but these are the problems when you move to another country halfway around the world. You can only do so much and its not worth the debt to keep people pleased that you only email / talk to on the phone.
Aug 14th 2008, 7:41 am
#22
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 23,400
Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
My best friend promised me she would come to Perth to visit me in October, I was so excited.
But she has fallen on hard times and can no longer come. Am I upset? I am sad that I won't see her, I am upset that I can't help her financially and that she is in that situation.
And I dream of winning the lotto so that I can buy her a first class ticket.
As for judging a 'best friend' due to things not going as well as they had thought in their life, well no 'true friend' would do that.
If she doesn't understand, if she doesn't get in touch then she was never a friend to start with.
But she has fallen on hard times and can no longer come. Am I upset? I am sad that I won't see her, I am upset that I can't help her financially and that she is in that situation.
And I dream of winning the lotto so that I can buy her a first class ticket.
As for judging a 'best friend' due to things not going as well as they had thought in their life, well no 'true friend' would do that.
If she doesn't understand, if she doesn't get in touch then she was never a friend to start with.
Aug 15th 2008, 10:56 am
#23
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Joined: Jan 2008
Location: Rolleston, Canterbury NZ
Posts: 631
Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
This was a really good read, Who needs friends like that anyway, think of the positive, you save money on stamps not sending Christmas cards/gift, you save money on the phone bill not phoning her, as I am certain she wouldn't of rang you anyway, and you have space on your friends list to make a Kiwi friend who appreciates you abit more.
Both of my sisters are getting married this year, my youngest is flying to NZ to do it and the other gets married in Cyprus when we will of only just arrived in NZ - we aren't going to both, but they totally understand.
Think of it this way, when she is bitching about you, you wont have to listen to it, you just have to look up at the sea and the mountains, breath deeply and tell yourself, it's her loss.
Both of my sisters are getting married this year, my youngest is flying to NZ to do it and the other gets married in Cyprus when we will of only just arrived in NZ - we aren't going to both, but they totally understand.
Think of it this way, when she is bitching about you, you wont have to listen to it, you just have to look up at the sea and the mountains, breath deeply and tell yourself, it's her loss.
Aug 16th 2008, 10:32 am
#24
By name and by nature
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,852
Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
You end up asking yourself if you're the bad person because if you're not how come you're being made to feel so shite? Well, the answer is that you're not awful at all - people really do have to get a grip on themselves at times but it's never likely to be at weddings, funerals or anything remotely resembling a family gathering! We left so we're always going to be the 'ones that they're waiting for' because if we turn up it validates their own importance - their sister/brother/aunt/uncle have flown from the other side of the world to be at their special occasion. Ah get over it! I've lived with this for years and if I live to be 100 I still wont' understand it. Flick it from you shoulder and move on 
Aug 17th 2008, 10:30 pm
#25
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Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
Thank you all again for your supportive replies! Really has helped with this situation.
Sep 4th 2008, 6:54 am
#26
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Posts: 968
Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
Ok, so I have this dilemma that I have been burdened with.
I moved here a year ago, to be with my OH, and financially that took a massive strain on me. 18 months ago, a former very close school friend has asked me to be bridesmaid at her wedding this October. She made me promise to go back to the UK (while I was still in the UK planning my move to NZ) for it, while I was still in UK mode, which I agreed.
Now the time is coming near, I have recently started a new job, and the finances are under pressure (still trying to get my head back above water after forking out heaps to move over here and start again), work are reluctant to let me have time off, it is looking less likely I will be able to keep my promise.
My friend is getting rather angry with me about this, and saying I am being selfish, and work must let me have time off for her wedding. She also doesnt understand how expensive it is to fly from this part of the world and back, and doesnt seem to be taking into account it is going to cost me the best part of $4000. This friend also has not been the greatest friend to me in recent years, and to be honest my family (in the UK) say I would be mad to go back just for a wedding.
So, the way I see it, I will have to tell her my situation, but I think I will lose this friendship.
Does this make me a bad person????
I am really beating myself up about this, as I really hate letting people down, and really thought I would be able to commit to this.
All replies appreciated!!! Thanks!
I moved here a year ago, to be with my OH, and financially that took a massive strain on me. 18 months ago, a former very close school friend has asked me to be bridesmaid at her wedding this October. She made me promise to go back to the UK (while I was still in the UK planning my move to NZ) for it, while I was still in UK mode, which I agreed.
Now the time is coming near, I have recently started a new job, and the finances are under pressure (still trying to get my head back above water after forking out heaps to move over here and start again), work are reluctant to let me have time off, it is looking less likely I will be able to keep my promise.
My friend is getting rather angry with me about this, and saying I am being selfish, and work must let me have time off for her wedding. She also doesnt understand how expensive it is to fly from this part of the world and back, and doesnt seem to be taking into account it is going to cost me the best part of $4000. This friend also has not been the greatest friend to me in recent years, and to be honest my family (in the UK) say I would be mad to go back just for a wedding.
So, the way I see it, I will have to tell her my situation, but I think I will lose this friendship.
Does this make me a bad person????
I am really beating myself up about this, as I really hate letting people down, and really thought I would be able to commit to this.
All replies appreciated!!! Thanks!
Finances and job are likely to be far more important than a wedding that will be over in 20 mins. Tell the lucky couple to have part of their honeymoon over here
Sep 4th 2008, 6:58 am
#27
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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 968
Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
well the plot thickens.....I emailed one of the bridesmaids yesterday to ask if it would be ok if I could send her a message to be read out by the best man at the wedding. I was also putting a 'memory book' together for the bride, of photos and well wishes to her from the hens, as my token of appreciation to her. The bridesmaid has told me that the book is no longer appropriate, and the message wont be read out, for the way that I have treated the bride.
Apparently I have known for a long time that I couldnt come to the wedding, so I should have just let the bride know ages ago.
I guess in life no matter how 'adult' you try to deal with things, people will never see how the situation is for you, and treat you as a 'villan'.
It still hurts though.
Apparently I have known for a long time that I couldnt come to the wedding, so I should have just let the bride know ages ago.
I guess in life no matter how 'adult' you try to deal with things, people will never see how the situation is for you, and treat you as a 'villan'.
It still hurts though.
Ha Ha what a bunch of losers they must be. Send them to Iraq for a few months to see what the real world is like.
