Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
 

Ok, so I have this dilemma that I have been burdened with.
I moved here a year ago, to be with my OH, and financially that took a massive strain on me. 18 months ago, a former very close school friend has asked me to be bridesmaid at her wedding this October. She made me promise to go back to the UK (while I was still in the UK planning my move to NZ) for it, while I was still in UK mode, which I agreed.
Now the time is coming near, I have recently started a new job, and the finances are under pressure (still trying to get my head back above water after forking out heaps to move over here and start again), work are reluctant to let me have time off, it is looking less likely I will be able to keep my promise.
My friend is getting rather angry with me about this, and saying I am being selfish, and work must let me have time off for her wedding. She also doesnt understand how expensive it is to fly from this part of the world and back, and doesnt seem to be taking into account it is going to cost me the best part of $4000. This friend also has not been the greatest friend to me in recent years, and to be honest my family (in the UK) say I would be mad to go back just for a wedding.
So, the way I see it, I will have to tell her my situation, but I think I will lose this friendship.
Does this make me a bad person????

I am really beating myself up about this, as I really hate letting people down, and really thought I would be able to commit to this.

All replies appreciated!!! Thanks!
:o

Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
 

Tell her your situation, if she doesn't understand, then she's not a true friend.

You have to do what's right for you, and I agree with your family, it's a long way to go just for a wedding.

You're not being selfish at all, your so called friend is.

Catkin

Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
 

Here cometh my judgement. To be blunt if your mate WAS such a good mate she would understand...alas she does not appear to have any thoughtsother than for herself. She sounds like she has gone a little too far up her rear end over this..we all say stuff and yes we should as best we can not let people down as you say.....but we are talking a long way, loads of time, money etc, etc.

Its not as though you are a recent lottery winner with the days full of coffee morns etc!!! I would accept to lose her friendship if she does not wind her neck in. I am sick and tired of hearing of mates and rellies getting on to folk who have 'done the move' and giving them a guilt trip over us here and them there. Its your life and you do what is BEST for you. That sounds like missing a wedding to me. Your mate can like it or lump it. She really needs to be a bit more thoughtful about the needs of others. I see her behavior as well selfish and yours as totally reasonable under the circs....rant and judgement over!!!!

Its your life not hers!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Some people think they bloody own you aye?????

Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
 

I really appreciate your comments. Thank you.
It is good to air a situation when people dont know either of you to get a true judgement. I tried to write as honestly as I could, and I think you have both sealed it for me.
Thanks!
Will update with the saga once the news has been broken :eek:

Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
 

A little while ago a friend of mine came into a small windfall. She offered to pay for my flights back to the UK for her 40th birthday and naturally, I was exceptionally excited about this.

However, as the time rolled around, she discovered that her job was in line for being made redundant and she realised that her generous offer was going to become rather extravagent for her to fulfill.

Was I upset? Of course. Did I understand? Of course. We're still friends and that's what makes good friends. The understanding that life happens and sometimes it's sh!t. I'd love to have gone, she would've loved for me to go, but the circumstances changed.

Sounds like your friend is having a bridezilla moment and needs to understand that the world doesn't revolve around her.

Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
 

I think you know what you should do, but was just thinking...............
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I pity the poor sod she's marrying :eek::eek::eek::eek: :rofl::rofl::rofl:

Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
 

That is so funny!!!
As my male friends say the same thing!! Thank you for helping me with advice on this.


A further update....I still havent broken the news to her, which is not good of me as time is getting short. So at present she thinks I am coming.
An invite arrived this morning to the wedding from the uk, and there is a gift list in it with my name on the top!!! So not only does she want me to spend a fortune to go, but she wants a present as well! :curse:

(I am making myself sound very mean, and I promise I am not!!!! :o)

Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
 

Explain your situation,tell her you hope she understands and that you are really sorry to have to miss it all( even if it is only partly true:o). Your life in NZ is your priority not her wedding. Why don't you send a message gram to her to be read out by the best man at the wedding,get her to send pics,;as for the pressie then I think she is being a bit cheeky to expect you to pay for going to UK and a gift. You being there should have been a gift in itself. As it is why not transfer some dosh to your mum or a friend and ask them to buy something there? If she were a true friend she would understand. Is it going to affect your life greatly if she were to stop being a mate? Does she have a regular impact on your life? Will it stop you from wanting to be in NZ? Just a few things to think about. Hope it goes ok when you tell her.

Phyllis

Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
 

Thanks Phyllis.
I am taking your advice also, and am constructing an email as we speak to decline the wedding invite.
I will definately send a message gram, I think that is a lovely idea. I am also getting some pics and messages together from the hens to make a memory book for her, so I can add to the hen night in my absence.
She doenst have a regular impact on my life. Hasnt for years, and will not change me needing and wanting to be in my new beautiful country I call home.
Thank you, some of your words have put more clarity on this.

Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
 

I went back to the UK this month for a mate's wedding - and to be honest it was a daft thing to do!!

I had a great week and it was really nice to see him and my friends and family.

Would I do it again? Probably! But that credit card is going to take a while to pay off! :unsure:

But saying that, if I hadn't gone they would certainly have understood and there would have been no pressure!
He's a good friend and I wanted to get to his wedding. He's been to see us in NZ once already, he introduced me to my wife, and he's partly why we're in NZ (he was here and we came out to visit!). It's a shame Melanie couldn't join me!

In your case I'd say don't go - it will cost at least 4 grand if my trip is anything to go by!

Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
 

Just an update. I emailed the 'friend' in question an eloquent long email of my reasons whys etc of my predicament and as honoured as I am, I cannot commit to be her bridesmaid or attend her wedding, sad not to be part of it, etc etc.....that was 2 weeks ago....have I had a reply....nope! Sent a text too, just to say if she would like to talk about it, I can call her etc....no answer....so that is it then. Looks like I made the right choice as no friend should sulk like this should they???

Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
 

Well done first of all for telling her,couldn't have been easy.:thumbsup:

Think it was right thing to do,as you say a REAL friend would have replied even to say how sorry they were that you could not make it. Still send the message gram though; at least you won't be acting like a baby throwing it's toys out the pram and you will still feel a part of it even though not physically there. You can still send best wishes without her acknowledging you.

Phyllis

Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
 

I certainly will.....I think it is a great idea, and would still like to act like an adult above all this.
Thanks again for the advice. Really helps to chat on here sometimes! :)

Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
 

i hope after the wedding she'll see sense and get in touch x

Re: Advice needed; and also judgement!!!
 

I must be a crap friend - I chose Robbie Williams at Knebworth over going to my oldest friend's wedding from Cornwall to Dublin!:o

She's hoping to come visit us in New Zealand soon, so I reckon you're mate is either being a drama queen or she'll come round in the end.:thumbup: