commander

Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are taken.

So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.

commander

My girlfriend's a nymphmaniac contortionist. She'll bend over backwards to get a ****.

commander

what do you call a stuttering blackman?

a cuckoon

commander

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I'm looking for a job."

The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year."

The scouser said, "You're bullshitting me!"

The man behind the counter replied, "Well, you bloody started it."

Scratcher

A family of four are driving in the country on a nice family day out when they find themselves following a Anne summers delivery van, the van hits a pot hole and a massive dildo falls out of the back and bounces down the road , whacking the family car windscreen before bouncing off into a hedge To cover her embarrassment the mother says " Crikey, that was a big insect!" To which her 7 year old son says " I'm surprised it could fly with a cock that big"

Charismatic

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back and said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

BangleMan

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive,
and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron......Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
wife, Julie.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for
Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the
health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to
show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same
time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she
almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she
starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her
time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally
have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not
reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's
not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times
each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really
appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done
before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she
will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly
bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or
worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch
it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush
so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then
wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact
is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished
mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell
her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed
lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making
one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.

Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody
knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider
that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other...

Signed, Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on October 3rd. He was found with a
Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his ass,
with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Julie was arrested, but
the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defence that he accidentally
sat down on it very suddenly.

Spugsy

you look black in your profile pic, I'm sort of guessing you're not?

Autonomy

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