Too soon to make a call?

Old Jan 10th 2022, 8:24 am
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Unhappy Too soon to make a call?

Is 8 months away too soon to say we’re not going to settle and it’s time to think about going back? My partner and I lived in NZ for 11 and 14 years respectively, met there, married there and now have 2 little kiwi’s. We moved to England in April 2021 for a variety of reasons which at the time felt unresolvable in NZ. Now we’re in England my daughter isn’t settling and cries about what we have left behind most days and the realities of UK life have really hit home. My partner never really wanted to move but agreed it was something we needed to try at the time. The culture has changed, we have changed, so much that it doesn’t feel right at all. Like most people here you’ll know the financial implications of making the move, so deciding to go back now would be a double whammy, but not sure what the value of wanting any longer is going to be? It was months possibly years, of quandary before one thing tipped the balance and made us decide to move here, but a matter of weeks before the sense of foreboding started. Aaaah what to do?!
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Old Jan 11th 2022, 4:21 am
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Default Re: Too soon to make a call?

Could you spell out your specific concerns? Just in case there are less drastic solutions we could suggest that you haven’t thought of.

Hearing about your experience could also be helpful for others contemplating moving back to the UK.
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Old Jan 11th 2022, 8:45 am
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Default Re: Too soon to make a call?

Originally Posted by Can82 View Post
Is 8 months away too soon to say we’re not going to settle and it’s time to think about going back? My partner and I lived in NZ for 11 and 14 years respectively, met there, married there and now have 2 little kiwi’s. We moved to England in April 2021 for a variety of reasons which at the time felt unresolvable in NZ. Now we’re in England my daughter isn’t settling and cries about what we have left behind most days and the realities of UK life have really hit home. My partner never really wanted to move but agreed it was something we needed to try at the time. The culture has changed, we have changed, so much that it doesn’t feel right at all. Like most people here you’ll know the financial implications of making the move, so deciding to go back now would be a double whammy, but not sure what the value of wanting any longer is going to be? It was months possibly years, of quandary before one thing tipped the balance and made us decide to move here, but a matter of weeks before the sense of foreboding started. Aaaah what to do?!
Hi , I think a lot of people who migrate (either way) feel like you did, when we arrived back in the uk we returned to a different county and knew we needed to look forward and not backwards (hard at times I know) we also treated our return home like we did when we first arrived in Aus, we travelled had days out and just lived differently than when we last lived in the UK, you returned in difficult and strange times and hopefully this will change, your daughter may be also feeling your disquiet (not blaming you, children can sense changes in others) Did you buy a home here/return to the same area? Could you plan (as much as you can in this day and age) a holiday/outings and involve your daughter in the choices etc? You left NZ for reasons try and remember them when you feel you may of chosen wrongly. Time does help but sometimes it’s just not the right “fit” good luck

Last edited by Jerseygirl; Jan 11th 2022 at 7:27 pm. Reason: Fixed quote
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Old Jan 11th 2022, 10:28 am
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Default Re: Too soon to make a call?

Originally Posted by Can82 View Post
Is 8 months away too soon to say we’re not going to settle and it’s time to think about going back? My partner and I lived in NZ for 11 and 14 years respectively, met there, married there and now have 2 little kiwi’s. We moved to England in April 2021 for a variety of reasons which at the time felt unresolvable in NZ. Now we’re in England my daughter isn’t settling and cries about what we have left behind most days and the realities of UK life have really hit home. My partner never really wanted to move but agreed it was something we needed to try at the time. The culture has changed, we have changed, so much that it doesn’t feel right at all. Like most people here you’ll know the financial implications of making the move, so deciding to go back now would be a double whammy, but not sure what the value of wanting any longer is going to be? It was months possibly years, of quandary before one thing tipped the balance and made us decide to move here, but a matter of weeks before the sense of foreboding started. Aaaah what to do?!
8 months is not a long time and especially with Covid and Brexit you might not notice the benefits right now. You say the culture has changed and you have changed but even in NZ the culture is not the same.
People who live in Dunedin might also feel that the culture in Auckland is very different and wouldn't judge the whole country. Just saying that you might have picked the wrong location on the island right now and need more time to find a suitable place to settle. Once things open up again, you might have a lot more on your doorstep. I'm on the island further West from you and if I compare Dublin to where we live (200km away), it's like a different planet. At the end of the day you can also create your own lifestyle and culture. Just because all my neighbors like hurling doesn't mean I have to like it and I can still do my own thing.
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Old Jan 11th 2022, 1:05 pm
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Default Re: Too soon to make a call?

Years ago, I worked with a guy with an almost identical story:

He and his wife (both British) had settled in NZ after several years in the merchant navy. They had spent 10+ years in NZ and had 2 young kids. They decided to move back to the UK for various reasons. After a couple of years, they decided they wanted to move back to NZ. Sold up and moved.

Six months later, I received a phone call from him asking if he could get his old job back. His wife couldn't settle back in NZ and wanted to return again. The whole saga cost them a fortune.

Unless you know you can drop back into your old life in the same neighbourhood and same friends, WITHOUT the baggage that caused you to up sticks in the first place, it's a bad idea. Give the UK at least a couple of years before making such a huge decision.
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Old Jan 11th 2022, 7:21 pm
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Default Re: Too soon to make a call?

Originally Posted by Helen1964 View Post
Could you spell out your specific concerns? Just in case there are less drastic solutions we could suggest that you haven’t thought of.

Hearing about your experience could also be helpful for others contemplating moving back to the UK.
When we were n NZ there was always the thought that we had never planned to be away so long. We both went on work visas and before we knew it were settled in to family life and I think there was curiosity about what family life in UK would be. We have both grown up very close to grandparents and cousins so were conscious of our children having that chance also. NZ has is an amazing place but there is also a lot of gang crime, a big rich poor divide and socially a sense of unrest and inequality (especially in the area we lived at least).

In England, we have found our families have moved on without us (of course as expected) but we parent in different ways and don’t really get along too well. Culturally there is more crime, less kindness and the workplaces have elements of toxicity that just seems to be expected. I work in the public sector and I am seriously gobsmacked at the culture that has grown there. I am certain Covid has had its impact on all these things, and given the extent of the trauma everyone has been through, I don’t see that it is likely to change any time soon, if all all.
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Old Jan 11th 2022, 7:27 pm
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Default Re: Too soon to make a call?

[QUOTE=brits1;13087416]
Originally Posted by Can82 View Post
Is 8 months away too soon to say we’re not going to settle and it’s time to think about going back? My partner and I lived in NZ for 11 and 14 years respectively, met there, married there and now have 2 little kiwi’s. We moved to England in April 2021 for a variety of reasons which at the time felt unresolvable in NZ. Now we’re in England my daughter isn’t settling and cries about what we have left behind most days and the realities of UK life have really hit home. My partner never really wanted to move but agreed it was something we needed to try at the time. The culture has changed, we have changed, so much that it doesn’t feel right at all. Like most people here you’ll know the financial implications of making the move, so deciding to go back now would be a double whammy, but not sure what the value of wanting any longer is going to be? It was months possibly years, of quandary before one thing tipped the balance and made us decide to move here, but a matter of weeks before the sense of foreboding started. Aaaah what to do?![/QUOTE

Hi , I think a lot of people who migrate (either way) feel like you did, when we arrived back in the uk we returned to a different county and knew we needed to look forward and not backwards (hard at times I know) we also treated our return home like we did when we first arrived in Aus, we travelled had days out and just lived differently than when we last lived in the UK, you returned in difficult and strange times and hopefully this will change, your daughter may be also feeling your disquiet (not blaming you, children can sense changes in others) Did you buy a home here/return to the same area? Could you plan (as much as you can in this day and age) a holiday/outings and involve your daughter in the choices etc? You left NZ for reasons try and remember them when you feel you may of chosen wrongly. Time does help but sometimes it’s just not the right “fit” good luck
Thank you for this :-) We are in a different area and definitely haven’t reverted to old UK lifestyles and keeping up as much as we can what we know we enjoy from NZ times. We are keeping up the tourist mentality too with trips taken and planned but ultimately when that stops we are in a place that doesn’t hold much appeal for us. That being said, I am going to get my daughter to choose some outings lIke you suggest and see if this helps. We are really positive about being here when she is around but children always sense more than we realise!
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Old Jan 11th 2022, 7:31 pm
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Default Re: Too soon to make a call?

Originally Posted by Moses2013 View Post
8 months is not a long time and especially with Covid and Brexit you might not notice the benefits right now. You say the culture has changed and you have changed but even in NZ the culture is not the same.
People who live in Dunedin might also feel that the culture in Auckland is very different and wouldn't judge the whole country. Just saying that you might have picked the wrong location on the island right now and need more time to find a suitable place to settle. Once things open up again, you might have a lot more on your doorstep. I'm on the island further West from you and if I compare Dublin to where we live (200km away), it's like a different planet. At the end of the day you can also create your own lifestyle and culture. Just because all my neighbors like hurling doesn't mean I have to like it and I can still do my own thing.
You make a really good point about creating your own culture. It’s probably about working out where we fit now - physically and socially. We were both single and carefree last time we lived here, now we have a whole host of different needs and it may be this spot and community isn’t quite right.
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Old Jan 11th 2022, 8:28 pm
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Default Re: Too soon to make a call?

Originally Posted by Can82 View Post
You make a really good point about creating your own culture. It’s probably about working out where we fit now - physically and socially. We were both single and carefree last time we lived here, now we have a whole host of different needs and it may be this spot and community isn’t quite right.
I can imagine it's not easy to adapt and with kids even more so, especially if they don't settle straight away. Of course there are things that are not great in England but maybe you just have to look at other alternatives close by and see the positive. I remember when we drove through Birmingham and it was rough as hell but once we reached Wales, it was a breath of fresh air and complete different feel. I always say it will take you a whole day to drive from Dunedin to Auckland and you are still only in NZ. I have no idea where you are in England but things like a short break to France, Spain are all possible and won't break the bank.
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