Struggling to cope left behind...

Old Jan 13th 2019, 11:06 pm
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Default Struggling to cope left behind...


I’m aware this is a forum for those emigrating and respect all your reasons. I don’t even know if this is appropriate I wish I could find a forum for those left behind.

I’m struggling to cope after my sister moved to aus with my nephew and two nieces on my youngests’ second birthday 8 months ago.
I miss them all terribly and it just gets worse every day. We do chat on messenger in a group with my mum and share pics but I find every one hard to look at. We FaceTime a little but this too just makes me cry every time,
Her husband got a job without much discussion with her left and she stayed to pack up and follow six months later. I’m very close to my sister (or I was) and truly love her children as my own. I just want to hold them and tuck them in at night. Everything i imagined in my future included her and them and it’s all been taken away from me.
Sorry for venting, I’m not allowed to talk to her as I shouldn’t make her feel guilty (her words) and my husband says I should concentrate on my own life.

Im just looking for some coping mechanisms to stop me crying every day and let me maintain relationships with the kids without crying, their 7, 6 and 4 next week.

Sorry if I’ve made anyone feel sad or guilty that’s not the intention, if you think I just need a virtual shake and get on with it please say
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Old Jan 14th 2019, 12:32 am
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Default Re: Struggling to cope left behind...

I think you could actually get some good suggestions and chat here (BE) because people who have moved to other countries have left and do miss some of those left behind.

Some of them may have even returned to the UK and may see this post, but probably those affected are more likely to see this comment in the sub-forums for where they are living now or maybe even in the welcome inn forum right at the beginning.

Perhaps repost there and maybe in The Barbie part of the Australia forum. There's no reason to limit yourself to Australia, of course, but it might be somewhere to start.

Or perhaps ask a mod to move your post there?

Best of luck.
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Old Jan 14th 2019, 1:39 am
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Default Re: Struggling to cope left behind...

Honestly I think your husband is correct.

That said, my sister "checked out" about 20 years ago, and pretty much decided to maintain only minimal contact with me, despite my best attempts to remain in contact. I don't know what is up with her, but it hurt me a lot, and it still hurts, so I do sympathize with your situation, but eventually you will probably get over it, and IMO the sooner you learn to accept the situation the sooner you will be able to get on with your own life.
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Old Jan 14th 2019, 3:19 am
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Default Re: Struggling to cope left behind...

I agree with Pulaski. You and your sister are adults with your own families. Your sister and her family have chosen to move forward and do what's best for them. I suggest that you do the same. Focus on your husband instead of someone else's family.

I know that may sound harsh, but honestly I say that with the best of intentions .
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Old Jan 14th 2019, 3:55 am
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Default Re: Struggling to cope left behind...

Originally Posted by Littlesis View Post

I’m aware this is a forum for those emigrating and respect all your reasons. I don’t even know if this is appropriate I wish I could find a forum for those left behind.

I’m struggling to cope after my sister moved to aus with my nephew and two nieces on my youngests’ second birthday 8 months ago.
I miss them all terribly and it just gets worse every day. We do chat on messenger in a group with my mum and share pics but I find every one hard to look at. We FaceTime a little but this too just makes me cry every time,
Her husband got a job without much discussion with her left and she stayed to pack up and follow six months later. I’m very close to my sister (or I was) and truly love her children as my own. I just want to hold them and tuck them in at night. Everything i imagined in my future included her and them and it’s all been taken away from me.
Sorry for venting, I’m not allowed to talk to her as I shouldn’t make her feel guilty (her words) and my husband says I should concentrate on my own life.

Im just looking for some coping mechanisms to stop me crying every day and let me maintain relationships with the kids without crying, their 7, 6 and 4 next week.

Sorry if I’ve made anyone feel sad or guilty that’s not the intention, if you think I just need a virtual shake and get on with it please say

Don't apologise for speaking up on this forum - trust me - there are many many topics that have nothing to do with emigrating at all!

It's good that you spoke up and wrote this down - that in itself can be a bit cathartic. I'm sure you must be feeling like you're grieving, it can feel like a 'gap' in your lives when someone you're close to and involved with moves so far away. It's ok to feel sad and anxious and at a bit of a loss of the 'new normal'.

Saying that, it has happened and there's nothing you can do to move your sister and family back. They have chosen to do this (and it's not easy at all believe me) and you must be happy for them and let them live their lives.

See the positives - not so long ago there weren't emails and facechat and constant contact. If you look long far back enough there was a letter every six months to a year if you were lucky. At least you're still in touch and can connect with them easily and frequently.

It's time to accept that this has happened. Yes it's not what you wanted, but you can't have a say in your sister's life, just like she can't in yours. Ok it wasn't your ideal future but that's ok, things change all the time - embrace what might be an exciting new future. The whys and hows of how it happened are really up to your sister and her family.

Why not plan a visit? Focus on that.

Try to be happy for your sister and her family. Be more present in your own life, stop looking at what might have been and just get on and enjoy yourself in whatever form that takes. Live your life.

One thing I will say is that you have no idea what will happen in the future with your sister and family. They could be living the life they've always wanted to live and stay forever, they could be back before you know it and settle or come back and then ping pong back again to Australia or somewhere else in the world.

You must try not to make your sister guilty. She knows you're upset, she won't move her entire family back just because you're upset. It's time to realise that and as mentioned, look at the positives in your life, enjoy the moments 'on screen' and as we've only got one life, live it!

If you accept this, seek the positives in your own life and be happy for your sister and family, It will get easier as time goes on.

Last edited by Still Game; Jan 14th 2019 at 4:02 am.
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Old Jan 31st 2019, 2:26 pm
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Default Re: Struggling to cope left behind...

Another brilliant and supportive reply by Still Game.

I would add this: there is nothing wrong with missing your sister and her children, and wanting to remain close to them all. In my case, I was the one who left and I very much missed my own siblings...but there are lots of us and they, back home, had each other.

As Still game says, we are lucky today in that we have these ways to hear and see each other over the internet. I know it's not the same as being with them, hugging them, but it's way better than what used to be.

But what your letter makes me wonder is this: are you lonely in your own life? I know there is nothing like a sister, there is a special bond there. One's sister's children are close in a special way too. I repeat, there is nothing wrong in the way you feel. It is indeed very sad if you are losing that closeness with them.
But....you don't say much about your own life (and no need to! It's your business)... but this degree of sadness, a depth of sorrow that is interfering with your functioning, makes me wonder a bit about it...

When you say you are crying every day, and cannot see the children on live chat without weeping, I wonder if there is some loneliness, reason for depression, something else important missing, in your life.....

hope you feel better soon....
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Old Feb 2nd 2019, 5:36 pm
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Default Re: Struggling to cope left behind...

You're grieving for the loss of your sister, like grief from a death, there are stages to go through and you are in the first stage which is really, really, really hard. Maybe speak to a counselor/therapist to help you through this. Your sister's move has left a hole in your life which can't be ignored, but will eventually be accepted and then filled. Be kind to yourself . The first year is the worst and you are almost through it.
Plan a trip to see her if you can is good advice, but in any case, you will get there. Big hugs.
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Old Feb 4th 2019, 7:21 am
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Default Re: Struggling to cope left behind...

Originally Posted by petitefrancaise View Post
You're grieving for the loss of your sister, like grief from a death, there are stages to go through and you are in the first stage which is really, really, really hard. Maybe speak to a counselor/therapist to help you through this. Your sister's move has left a hole in your life which can't be ignored, but will eventually be accepted and then filled. Be kind to yourself . The first year is the worst and you are almost through it.
Plan a trip to see her if you can is good advice, but in any case, you will get there. Big hugs.
Great reply here too....isn't this forum wonderful.
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