Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

As some of you are aware, I am not a British Expat, I am an American who has been planning on moving, sight unseen and all alone, to somewhere in the UK. I've been really looking forward to this move taking place this Fall.
I have very specific reasons for wanting to be there, very specific reasons for not wanting to live the rest of my life here where I have lived all my life, and many of them others here have expressed as well...the culture, the weather, the relative safety, the NHS, which is huge for me as a self-employed person here..I have just had to give up my health insurance because it's just too expensive... I feel that through all kinds of research and especially reading and participating in these forums for over a year now, I have the best ideas of how life can be for me over there, short of actually being there.

I am alone by both circumstance and choice these days. I have lost my parents and only sibling in recent years, I have become quite the loner for various reasons, but I truly want to get social again at this point. I'd like to find love again and get married as well. I know what I want and I feel that it can all be had in England or Scotland. I also don't know of anywhere in the US that I could find all I am seeking, except perhaps Northern California, but every place that I would like is very expensive, and then there are the earthquakes...

I have thought it all out, planned as much as possible, gotten my Irish Citizenship, had the dog microchipped and vaccinated, sold off a lot of things, and tell everyone I talk to that I am planning on moving there shortly. But last night for some reason, I began to think I must be nuts to try to pick up and move to another country and put myself through all the stress of learning everything new, how to drive, currency, laws, customs....
I started thinking that I would be better off just trying to deal with everything I don't like here and just stay in my own country. But doing that would make me feel like I have no courage, that fear has once again reared its ugly head and scared me into giving up on my dreams. But maybe this dream is unrealisitc...even though I don't consciously believe that.

One thing that started this creeping fear was an article that someone here placed a link to about the possible severity of homesickness. Scared the heck out of me. And many of you expats have talked about the things you mis about the US, like the size of houses and streets. I now have this vision of feeling like I'm crammed into little houses, driving with a feeling of claustrophobia and terror in teeny cars down streets that barely accommodate one vehicle...in a neverending downpour.

Unlike so many of you, I would not be going back to anyplace or any people. But here, although I know many, many people, there is no one I would want to move to be near anyway. My life now is an open thing in every way, waiting to be designed by me and made into what I want.

What is going on here? Is this just normal trepidation one feels when making a major change, and can I get past it to do the thing I have been dreaming of and planning on for so long?

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

Have you spent much time in the UK to know what it's like, apart from a brief holiday?

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

I think they call that sudden fear and questioning your decision "the collywobbles" we all get them at some point, I managed to get over it, and then in quiet times they come back.
If you go and hate it you can always come back, it's not like you are giving up your US citizenship.
I had it when coming to the US the first time and again the second time.

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

Sile has been researching this move/trip to the UK for months and months and has had pages and pages of advice.

She has never visited the UK, but has had this hankering that she should just up and go live there ............ and now is getting cold feet. Our advice to take a vacation in the UK to get a feel for it, has fallen on deaf ears over the months.

I really can't believe we are at this point in the discussion :(

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

MUST you be nasty? Really. If you find me tedious and can't understand what I am going through, then perhaps you should just not say ANYTHING.

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Thank you, Mummy. That is true...I can always come back if I don't like it. I guess I'm engaging in "all or nothing" thinking.

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

Sile, it's completely understandable that you're nervous. Now that you have Irish citizenship the ball is in your court, so to speak. Why not go over for an extended holiday, say three months and have a look around. Keep a plan b in place in case you discover it's not for you...

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

No, I have not been there at all.

BTW, my sympathies on the loss of your sister.:broken_heart: I read that on another thread. I know how awful that is, having lost my sister a few years ago.

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

Thanks, Montfan. I should go with the idea in mind that nothing is permanent if I don't want it to be. As Mummy said, I can always come back.

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

..... but I'm not being nasty ..... I'm being practical.

Over the months we have provided information from John O'Groats to Land's End. We have also said that, since you have never visited the UK, to just up sticks is not the way to go - you should visit first. You have given us excuses from cannot leave the dog, to can't afford it. If you can't afford a vacation you certainly can't afford to just move to the UK because it will cost a fortune.

Since you are a follower of this forum, you will have seen umpteen messages about homesickness - and how most people get over it; or if not they return home. This you can do too.

Yes, its just normal trepidation; but other people who have had this feeling and far more responsibilities than you have moved to another land.

Just do it - or visit - but get off the fence and do something.

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

Nah, don't go with the forever thing, go with the "Wow what an adventure!" attitude. You don't HAVE to stay forever - but you might. You don't HAVE to even like it, but you might. You have nothing to lose by moving and as others have said you can always move on if it stops being an adventure! It took me 20 yrs to feel homesick so you never know, you might have those feelings or you might not - it might be immediate, it might happen down the track or it may never happen at all. Go with the adventure!!!

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

No, it's not normal trepidation.

The title of your thread is "Psychoanalyze Me".

So here it comes.

I believe you are beginning to come out of the dark stages of your grief. As such, you are starting to see things more clearly - less emotionally.

And that's why you are questioning your plan. You are realizing that it is based more on emotion than reality.

It's actually one of the more sensible things you have said, IMO.

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

well, I guess some people just can't help themselves...and this is an example, along with sandiegogorl's response...of how anyone posting here is taking a risk. I'll leave it at that.

I am not just coming out of grief, and my plans are not based on emotion. I have concrete reasons which I have talked about.
And your comment about this being one "one of the more sensible things (I) have said" is just rude. I don't know why you can't stop yourself from being like this, at least with me over the last year, but I would really suggest you take a good look at yourself and your reasons for being snippy instead of kind, and if you can't figure it out.. or don't want to, please just refrain from putting your two cents in regarding anything I post.

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

Thanks, Quoll! Very helpful advice:) Much appreciated.

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

I am not being snippy or unkind.

Really I am not.

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

When you say " one of the more sensible things you've said", the obvious inference is that most other things I have said are not. That is not nice and it is snippy and condescending, not to mention inaccurate.

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

It is "sensible" because the thing you have been talking about - moving abroad to a place you have never been - is not something most people would entertain doing.

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

As my dear deceased mother once said -

When in life you are faced with a difficult choice between head and heart, always go with the heart.
If you do you are likely to regret it and get over it in fairly short order. But if you go the other way you are likely to regret it for the rest of your life.

Just stay far far away from London at first, it's way too expensive for a newbie. Wirral is great if you need ideas. There are lots and lots of other wonderful places.

Oh, and take two or three hours of professional lessons from a "School of Motoring" to learn driving UK style. Cheap at half the price.

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

Sile, it is clear that your heart is pulling you towards the UK. I know you haven't been there but sometimes there is no explanation for the feeling of being "pulled" in a certain direction. It is only when we follow through, that we know the reason. :)

As for the feelings of trepidation, I think it's very normal. I am British and I have them, too. :)

Over the last few years, the urge to find my ex-boyfriend from years ago grew stronger and stronger until a few weeks ago when I knew that, no matter what, I just had to find him. I couldn't explain it at all and the feeling was SO strong. After all, why now and not ten years ago? I came up with some hair-brained scheme to find him and it actually worked. After finding him, I knew why I had those feelings. Sometimes we just have to follow through with blind faith, knowing that the universe is wiser than we are. ;) The teacup that you mentioned in another thread . . . well, you say the "Made in England" sign on the bottom and it struck a chord in you. Those little signs are important. :)

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

Also remember that it is not always homesickness but familiarity that people miss ..so tell yourself you are going on a 2 year adventure and at the end of that time if it all falls apart then you can return.

Fear of the unknown is quite scary for all of us in any aspect in life but just making the decision to give it a try by yourself shows you have guts, so I say good luck to you, I really hope you succeed:thumbsup::fingerscrossed:

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

It can be quite frightening to realize you are in control of (and therefore responsible for) your own destiny... and also quite anxiety provoking to realize you are free to go just about wherever you want... without having to think of anyone else but yourself.

Maybe you have spent a long time trying to please other people and now find it difficult to identify your own needs?

In this situation I imagine what it might be like to free a wild creature that has been held in captivity for a long time...

...initially, when the cage door opens, the creature might hesitate, not knowing where to run and fearful of where it runs to.

But the choice is to run (and see what's out there) or stay in the cage.

Up to you.

But remember, life is short... and cages are replaceable. :)

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

Hell yes, of course you should go, do not ask yourself "why" but ask yourself "why not?" I hope these travel quotes may inspire you -

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -- Mark Twain

"Without new experiences, something inside of us sleeps. The sleeper must awaken." -- Frank Herbert

"If you come to a fork in the road, take it" Yogi Berra

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

To the OP:

Just comfort yourself with the fact that you can return whenever you like, for whatever duration suits you. Yes I know you've got considerations, not least your dog.

When we moved from Britain to NZ in 2011 I knew that I could comfort myself with the thought, 'be home by tomorrow tea time'. This was because it's a 26 hour flight from NZ to Britain. I accept there are other logistics but flying time alone is 26 hours.

So when I reminded myself of that I thought, 'is that all, ?'. It made the distance not seem so great. However, should I go back, I realise I'll be going back to what I knew already. I just hope it fits the OP and culture shock/homesickness isn't to debilitating. From personal experience I sometimes wonder if homesickness exists in my head i.e. I miss things from the past that will never come back unless they invent time travel. There is an element of grief when emigrating, a sense of mourning for what they once had even if they feel confident about the move.

I like America but find little things jarring, it would not be a good fit for me to live there (and this is no criticism) i.e. drinking age is 21, school until age 18, and, what's a sophomore ? a home girl ? etc. (I don't need answers btw). Silly things that do not give me the shared experience of my peers who grew up in America.

So a return to Britain would see me at least visiting my old neighbourhood and of course, the obligatory family and friends visit. Even if we set up home somewhere completely new. The OP doesn't have that so I see, 'where they are coming from'. Hey: feel the fear and do it anyway !

To help me get the courage to make the decision to leave Britain, I imagined what it would be like to take a parachute jump. When the light goes from red to green in the aircraft, to let the parachutist know that they must jump now, i.e. to late for discussion just jump and practice safe landing as rehearsed.

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

Thanks, Holly. I really appreciate the input and I will look into both Wirral and driving lessons.

What can you tell me about Wirral and why do you suggest it?

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

Thanks Windsong. I needed that:)

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

Thank you so much, Sugarmooma.

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

You make some excellent points. It is a little odd to have complete freedom, no one to take care of, no one to answer to, no one to leave behind. I did look after my aging, sick parents for a long time and had attachments to people I no longer have in my life. So yes, it's kind of great and kind of unnerving to be so free. But I am making a cage of my own doing by letting fear butt in and make me question my dreams and plans....

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

Thanks...great quotes.! My favorite in your post though is "Hell yes, of course you should go". Love that!

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

Really good thoughts here. It really p****s me off that this fear thing has to show up and I really want to just "feel the fear and do it anyway." I just have to think, "what's the worst that can happen?" and go from there.

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

Thanks. All I can really say is just take it slow on your arrival in Britain. Be patient with yourself (this is probably rich coming from me !).

You might not be in the mood for humour right now but sometimes I am reminded of the line from the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy says to her dog Toto, 'suddenly we're not in Kansas anymore'. (Yes I realise you're not from Kansas, but still.)

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

I'm ALWAYS in the mood for humour!

And feeling like I'm not here anymore, but over there, will, I hope, be a wonderful thing!

BTW, "Snapshot" was my nickname long ago...I was a Pro Photographer and someone cleverly started calling me that when I was a young rookie. Luckily it didn't hang on as my career advanced....

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

Nice one ! My screen name is snapshot as what I write is snapshot of what I feel or think at the time of writing. This means I can contradict myself whenever I feel like it !

Good luck. Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end. That is something I need to remind myself of regularly too.

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

Well, I'm familiar with it, it's home.

Wirral was listed in a recent survey as the fourth best place in Britain to raise a family. It's always good to get involved with families, even those not your own. It's relatively inexpensive, the people are friendly and open, (but you get all types everywhere in the world). It's not a problem to strike up a meaningful conversation in a pub or shop. North Wales is an easy drive for fabulous scenery and quaint touristy villages. Merseyrail is halfway decent and has the best on time record of any British train operator. London is in easy reach for a day trip and affordable (but only if you book in advance to buy the cheapie).

I seriously looked at Hoylake, but I'm retired. Somewhere near a motorway (perhaps Frodsham?) is probably better if you are going to need to earn a living.

You can live fairly well and cheaply while you get settled, moving up market later if things are working out. Surf at http://www.rightmove.co.uk/

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

+1

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

You asked for psychoanalysis and so I'd say your post reads as if you are not in control (the fear visits you, rather than you allow fear to visit itself on you).

You can't change your situation or your decision, but you can change your attitude and mind-set towards it. Accept that it is normal to go through a range of emotions so that when it happens you just say Oh, there's that anxiety thing again and accept it rather than allowing yourself to get wound up about it.

Doing so may reduce the anxiety. Even posting this thread almost feeds into the problem - just accept it, don't over-think it, focus on what's important and move on. Just do it rather than thinking and posting about it.

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

Like your thinking Snapshot! Contradiction is most definitely a woman's prerogative, ha ha! (Sorry, had too much wine, not Guinness, at this point, no one should drink and post!)

Sile, do it soon, do it now!! You know you really want to have this adventure in your heart of hearts, that's what I get from your posts.
Best, bestest and even better good wishes zooming their way to you!:D

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

The title of your thread is 'Psychoanalyze Me' but you get angry and hurt when people talk to you straight.

This pattern has been going on for months if not years.

What more can anyone say?

You need to visit or make the move with a way back.

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

I really don't see why sile should be attacked every time she asks for advice. I don't think it matters if she's asked a million questions for the last 10 years - if it irritates you so much, please have the self-discipline to just ignore.

Sile, I would look at it from another perspective - what would you leave behind? Risking anything by going? And, yes, there are MANY people who up and go somewhere they have never been to before (my OH for one, when he worked in international development, and he loved every experience).

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

Sile, it's simple to me anyway... just do it and if doesn't work out you can always come back to US. Don't over-analyze..

Re: Psychoanalyze me, will you?
 

Thank you for your sympathies, it is difficult to cope with someone close to my age has gone.

As for your wish to move to the UK, it would seem that you have a sense of adventure, but not the extra strength to put it in action.

I was aged 22 when I went by ship to Australia, and although I have a sister there, the move was extremely big in my life. However it was something I needed to do, so I did it. I have also lived in Germany and visited a number of times, again something I needed to do, so it was done.

For you to take the next step in your big adventure takes courage, there is much unknown for you, but take the plunge. Book a flight to make it definite and head for our islands off the coast of Europe. Constant analysis will give you more concerns and doubts, and you will end up not doing anything.

We don't always make good decisions in our lives, I've made plenty of bad ones and survived, so if you find things difficult in the UK, review your options and return home if need be.