ned

I agree with what you are saying, but to describe it as distasteful
It was a cry for help for god sake!
And remember by definition she is in a foreign country, without the usual support networks

choccydog

A bit unfair IMV to be over-judgmental about the parents in this situation.

We don't know all the facts.

Devil's advocate: son could be absolutely terrible and nearly impossible to live with. 16 years old is an adult in virtually every respect. What would tip the balance the parents' way - if son had struck parent or been similarly aggressive/ violent?

I personally generally would tend to be biased to thinking the parents would be in the best position to decide on expulsion or not. Nobody else.

All I would suggest is tolerance even when no further tolerance is warranted. One final chance. A last reprieve.

Could make all the difference for the rest of this young man's life.

garryhg

i hear what you are saying ned...and agree to a certain point.....but support networks are still there.....you just have to ask the right people.....and common sense surely prevails here....

but remember he is in a foreign country too,and by all accounts ALONE.....

my real gripe here is how public she has made this.....she has the benefit of age and wisdom on her side....he's a child,not that thats any excuse for bad behaviour...(dont know what hes done,or even want to know...thats personal and should stay that way)

just remember feeling very confused and alone(even with my family when we came here)god knows how he must be feeling......

if he was that bad,as i have said he would be better off with extended family back in uk...

i just hope for all there sakes there is some kind of reconciliation in the future.....jacky

ned

So do I. They will both be hurting, I dont think we can tell (or should presume) which one is hurting most

Batty

I have a brother who was disruptive from the time he was 4! How he never ended up in jail I just don't know :curse: Actually, I do - my mother got him out of most scrapes he got into. He was the oldest boy (spoiled rotten) but the real problem was the effect he had on the rest of us - his siblings. I'd say we wanted him out of the house from the time he was about TEN! He made our lives a misery - we couldn't leave money anywhere that he might find it and that was probably the least of the horrible time we had with him. He would leave and come back when he got older and my mother kept letting him. She has never taken a drink in her life and didn't know how to deal with this person who would come into her house (his house) drunk and then go to bed and smoke. In the end - he was 26 I think she packed all his bags and they were waiting outside the house one day when he came home. He has never forgiven her - FFS! - doesn't talk to any of his family - he's got a little girl now and I read about her birth in the local paper online when I was already in NZ.

My mother did go to parenting classes and did everything right but sometimes there is nothing you can do.

And sometimes what seems obvious to strong, capable people just isn't obvious to someone going through a tough time - i.e. what's available in the way of help. If you're the parent of a young child who's good and obedient and gives you no trouble don't ever get cocky - you just don't know what's waiting around the corner that is 'being a teenager'.

Good luck to the OP - I know just how you're feeling - every time my brother left my mother's relief was tinged with worry until she knew where he was. I think maybe a mediator (friend/vicar/someone) might be a good idea - he will probably talk more easily with a stranger than he will to you.

ned

When speaking of raising kids I always used to say "the first 18 years are the worst"
I have recently revised the upper age to 19 and 20

uk+kiwi

That describes most (normal) teenagers! Not a terrible one.

And no, striking one's parents physically wouldn't have any affect on the balance either.

We are talking about a parent and a 'child'. I can remember being 17 very clearly. Friends that parents disapprove of, excessive alcohol intake, drugs, staying out late and serious hormonal attitude all come with normal, good children. We need to remember that.

Also, I don't think anyone is intending to be 'judgemental'. To some parents (none of whom are perfect and all of whom will have their own fair share of trying times as a parent), the simple fact that they are a parent means that they just would not take this cause of action.

I guess one could say it's like people who do not believe in divorce, no matter what. It's not saying one view is right and another wrong. Just different points of view.

Personally, having found out recently that all acts of 'tough love' simply do not work in the way that they are intended, for most people (children), I simply wanted to share this information. I have been astounded at what the research shows in this area and if I was in the same boat as the original poster, I would want to know this/have access to as much information that may be relevant as possible.

Ned, I suspect you were spot on about saying this thread was a 'cry for help' from the parent concerned here. So we can intelligently assume that the 'child' concerned needs even more help, simply because they are not the older and wiser adult in this particularly sad situation.

On a personal level, I am trying to be helpful to the situation here and despite not being in favour of removing a child from its family home, it does not mean I 'judge' the original poster for doing so. Each to their own.

uk+kiwi

Good idea.

26!? My mother made it clear that I wasn't expected back home when I finished uni. She was joking, but the joke was enough to send what must have been a signal with some truth to it. I did go back, for 4 months whilst I saved up for my first flat with (now) hubbie.

But I suppose going away to uni causes a natural sub-conscious break of independence. Otherwise, when is the incentive to move out, especially for boys? My Mum left home at 18 or 19 but her (youngest) brother seemed to stay for what I thought was ages. In reality he was still in his (mid?) 20's, but since I was a teenager myself, I thought it was really odd at the time. But his Mum provided a cheap home with cooked meals and probably laundry done for him too. Very easy to see how it happens!

birkinshaw

I HAVE BEEN MORE THAN UNDERSTANDING OF MY SON'S NEEDS I HAVE ALREADY TRIED NUMEROUS AVENUES OF HELP IN THE UK, WHICH OBVIOUSLY HAVE DONE NO GOOD!!!!

as i havent been here very long i didnt know who to go to or turn to for help, so i was hoping that someone might have been able to point me in the right direction.

To those parents who understand where i'm coming from THANKYOU and for those who don't understand TOUGH!!!!

I can only hope that this never happens to you.

birkinshaw

Also, i promise those of you who think this is a hoax, well it bloody not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have never had to do anything so difficult in all my life. If he was to stay at home i would end up in an asylum.

Gill and Rob

I have to say I'm personally with you on this one.
I even have a couple of daughters that I could (on occasions !!), send along and keep him company.
Only you know what your family are going through. I do believe another poster mentioned "Toughlove", try them, your GP or even the local Child Youth and FAmily service.
Good luck with it all.

Gill

garryhg

i also have a teenager,who drove us completetly mad when we came here,it made life bloody hard...we even went to book flights and go home because it was disrupting the whole family,

the fact is not everyone is going to agree with your decisions,you post on here,you take the replies good or bad,only you knows how bad it is,we can only give our opinions based on the information you give.......

we give you our opinions based on what we would do,not what you should do....you did ask......jacky

Maz

Have to say, you put yourself out there by posting this on a public forum. Maybe a parenting group would have been more appropriate? That's hardly a nice response. I won't say anything about "learned behaviour" though otherwise you'll see me as a target then, too. If you didn't already, that is.

dreamfish

Boopy

Have sent you a PM.