Avian flu variant spreading from New Zealand

WHO and CDC officials report a potential new strain of the Influenza A virus has been reported in certain parts of Oceania, Earls Court, Bali and Goa.....

The new virus, with a preliminary designation N1Z1, appears to have developed when infected Kiwis (on their big OE) carrying the "little brother" (LB) virus met up with Aussie Kookaburas carrying Roo-Floo, probably in the Earls Court area of London, UK.

Some form of genetic mutation occured and the brass-necked nature of the Aussie strain has attached itself to the original myopic Kiwi strain (in spite of its well-documented over-defensiveness and sensitivity to infection) to produce a virus that can transmit from subject to subject and lie dormant in the infected carrier even when they do the big world tour.

Details are sketchy but it appears that those infected are not responding to the traditional treatment of doses of common sense, being brought back to reality and seeing the issue from a non-Kiwi-centric point of view. Doctors in some of the London teaching hospitals have been exposing infected antipodeans to the joys of Waitrose, Marks and Spencer and butcher-made sausages in an effort to clear their system, but this experimental treatment has yet to prove effective.

Some experts are suggesting that gene therapy may be the only remendy and mating an Aussie with a Kiwi may be the way forward, however, early work on this had produced severe reactions from both camps with shouts of "lazy f-ing aussie" and "you stole our Pavlova" the only tangible results.

The symptoms of this disease appear similar to the original "one-eyed-kiwi" strain and begin to show themselves when the patient is exposed to another viewpoint on a subject close to their patriotic heart. In particular, the public should be vigilant when observing the following:

chips, often on the left shoulder, but sometimes on the right and in most severe cases on both. These can cause the victim to fall forward and their head to become submerged in the sand - often the state of the disease carrier when challenged with evidence that something might be wrong with NZ.........

a sudden onset of myopia, which can lead to blindness in one eye. May be treated with a theraputic dose of common sense but sometimes the condition is too far progressed to respond anf the patient's other symptoms increase alarmingly

an intense allergic or immune reaction to reasoned debate, humour (which the victim often does not understand or realise is humour) and questioning of their country's values, institutions, minorities, heritage, history or in particular their competance at field sports. The most notable of this is criticism of the mythical ABs or any attempt to deride sports stars, unless they play Rubgy League (and were asking for it anyway)!

Current information from CDC suggests that the epidemic is yet to reach pandemic status and is mainly confined to the small pacific island group called New Zealand (for you Yanks its right at the big island just south of China that's called Australia). It seems to be spread evenly over both islands although some with the infection in the north believe it to be endemic on the south, or main island. According to some researchers this particular type of myopia is the final probably incurable stage of the diasese, for which the only treatment is to be placed on an uninhabited island and fed 1080 for a couple of days.

It is a serious condition and particularly affects those inhabiting or frequenting bulletin boards, blog sites or forums. Some other sub-species, notably the lesser-spotted Pomm, a rather stupid migratory bird, that makes a slight whine when disturbed, is native to northern/western europe; is itself often affected with minor symptoms or may be found in vicinity of a full-blown victim of N1Z1, their feathers having been plucked when they refused to "f-off back home you whinging Pomm".

This Pomm bird and the ex-Pat subspecies is particularly endangered due to the rank stupidity of many of their number who leave their well tended, centrally heated nests nests and fly around the world only to find "different continent, same old poo...", living in a shed, earning peanuts and spending a fortune on field sports.....

CDC experts suggest that you do not approach infected Kiwis or attempt to enter into heated debate with them as they have been known to spit the dummy, yell "yeah whatever" and claim you know nothing about life in their country, before politely requesting that you leave the vicinity.