Go Back  British Expats > Living & Moving Abroad > New Zealand
Reload this Page >

Still getting the guilt trips

Still getting the guilt trips

Old Apr 30th 2018, 3:44 am
  #1  
Happy in Wellington
Thread Starter
 
RobClubley's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2005
Location: Tawa, Wellington, Aotearoa
Posts: 2,283
RobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond repute
Default Still getting the guilt trips

I'm getting the guilt-trip again from my parents for going on a family holiday to Disneyworld in favour of a trip back to their golden wedding celebration. I'm currently trying to work out how to talk to them about it, as I have minus 8 days' leave from work, and the Disney trip was eye-wateringly expensive. Plus their anniversary is not in term time and the Mrs is a teacher. So it's not really an option.

I think the fact that we met the brother-in-law and his family at Disney made it worse for me.

And I announced on Facebook that I'm doing the Gumboot Rally that weekend. So I'm seriously in the bad books.

Ah, the joys of leaving the country and "abandoning your family".
RobClubley is offline  
Old Apr 30th 2018, 5:44 am
  #2  
MODERATOR
 
MrsFychan's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2011
Location: Wellington - I miss Castles, the NHS & English school system
Posts: 8,990
MrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Still getting the guilt trips

have they ever come out to visit? have they been on holiday other than NZ since you have been here?
are they restricted on available holiday entitlement?

Can you see where I'm going with this?
MrsFychan is offline  
Old Apr 30th 2018, 6:55 am
  #3  
Happy in Wellington
Thread Starter
 
RobClubley's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2005
Location: Tawa, Wellington, Aotearoa
Posts: 2,283
RobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Still getting the guilt trips

You make good points. They have only ever been out of the UK twice, 50 years ago and 30 years ago.

And they're retired.
There is the added complication of my 46 year-old sister who they look after full time because she has learning difficulties.
RobClubley is offline  
Old Apr 30th 2018, 8:29 am
  #4  
MODERATOR
 
MrsFychan's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2011
Location: Wellington - I miss Castles, the NHS & English school system
Posts: 8,990
MrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Still getting the guilt trips

so it would always be you making the effort so to speak. How often have you been back, if at all?

Its a difficult one as they obviously miss you and would like to have some face to face catch up, yet you have the problem of cost, available time and as you say missing out going somewhere else in the World.

We did the Once in a Life time family holiday to Disney Florida June 2011 and then it was over 10K (Sterling) 5 of us, its the sort of holiday you need to fit into with age of kids and fit in with schooling.
MrsFychan is offline  
Old Apr 30th 2018, 9:23 pm
  #5  
Happy in Wellington
Thread Starter
 
RobClubley's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2005
Location: Tawa, Wellington, Aotearoa
Posts: 2,283
RobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Still getting the guilt trips

We've been back three times but not for about seven years.

So yeah it's hard.

The Disney trip was amazing, and great timing as my daughter is seven, so she's tall enough for all of the rides and old enough to enjoy them, and remember the experience.

Including three days in San Francisco on the way back and a Bon Jovi concert in Orland (because why not?) we spent over $20k on the trip.

RobClubley is offline  
Old Apr 30th 2018, 11:20 pm
  #6  
Somewhere
 
BEVS's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: Below
Posts: 34,899
BEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Still getting the guilt trips

Tough one Rob. I had to go away and have a little cogitate.

Perhaps view this as not so much a guilt trip thing put on you but more just an outpouring ,expressing their total disappointment & sadness. Not in you as their son at all , but that you will not be there with them to share this special milestone. A family altogether. Them, their son and their daughter. They may well have taken it as read that you would be there.

Not wishing to sound morbid but for them , as older people now, they can feel the tick of the clock getting louder & it may be they see this special anniversary as one to be grabbed just in case. I'm saying this as a person that is tipping over into becoming 'older'.
Also for a certain age group , these milestone anniversaries & birthdays are very much red letter days.

Any chance you could bin the rally thing and do the flying visit surprise thing?

I know this is time and money but for them it might just be the golden moment in this anniversary

...and...
that is a smashing happy pic .


-- edit to add --

I just re-read.
TBH Rob , I am not sure there is anything you can say other than you are sorry . That perhaps your timing was off & you should have thought more about that. That sort of thing. Something they will maybe understand. Obviously from what you write they are very hurt. The more so that you met up with other family members.
Don't say you will make it up to them and the like ( not that perhaps you would ) because at the moment, for them, nothing can.

Come back with your thoughts Rob. It's important you get your convo with them right . They are your parents. You only ever have the one set.

Last edited by BEVS; Apr 30th 2018 at 11:28 pm.
BEVS is offline  
Old May 1st 2018, 8:20 am
  #7  
BE Forum Addict
 
Bo-Jangles's Avatar
 
Joined: Jun 2005
Location: In a large village called Auckland
Posts: 4,879
Bo-Jangles has a reputation beyond reputeBo-Jangles has a reputation beyond reputeBo-Jangles has a reputation beyond reputeBo-Jangles has a reputation beyond reputeBo-Jangles has a reputation beyond reputeBo-Jangles has a reputation beyond reputeBo-Jangles has a reputation beyond reputeBo-Jangles has a reputation beyond reputeBo-Jangles has a reputation beyond reputeBo-Jangles has a reputation beyond reputeBo-Jangles has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Still getting the guilt trips

It's a fine balancing act isn't it, trying to be all things to all people. I get a bit of the guilt trip too, we find it especially hard having to tell folks that we've decided to go on a 'proper' holiday / aka somewhere that is not the UK.

The last holiday we had I simply didn't tell my mum until almost a fortnight before and then just casually dropped it into conversation as if I had told her 'ages ago' because I simply couldn't cope with the weeks of build up and anxiety. It's even harder when you have to decline family events but you could skype or something so you're mum can chat to you and show you around all the people at the party . We've skyped into a wedding and big parties before.

I think they should be able to understand the limitations for you Rob, especially being in school term time and all that.
Bo-Jangles is offline  
Old May 1st 2018, 1:38 pm
  #8  
BE Forum Addict
 
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,484
carcajou has a reputation beyond reputecarcajou has a reputation beyond reputecarcajou has a reputation beyond reputecarcajou has a reputation beyond reputecarcajou has a reputation beyond reputecarcajou has a reputation beyond reputecarcajou has a reputation beyond reputecarcajou has a reputation beyond reputecarcajou has a reputation beyond reputecarcajou has a reputation beyond reputecarcajou has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Still getting the guilt trips

Can you just go for a week, and leave the family in NZ?
carcajou is offline  
Old May 1st 2018, 7:42 pm
  #9  
MODERATOR
 
MrsFychan's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2011
Location: Wellington - I miss Castles, the NHS & English school system
Posts: 8,990
MrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Still getting the guilt trips

Originally Posted by carcajou View Post
Can you just go for a week, and leave the family in NZ?
from what I have read, no holiday allowance left. Most people only get 4 weeks a year
MrsFychan is offline  
Old May 1st 2018, 9:16 pm
  #10  
Happy in Wellington
Thread Starter
 
RobClubley's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2005
Location: Tawa, Wellington, Aotearoa
Posts: 2,283
RobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond reputeRobClubley has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Still getting the guilt trips

Yeah that's one of the big issues. I got away with going negative on my leave because I started a new job after the trip was booked, but I need to work until about November just to get to zero allowance.
RobClubley is offline  
Old May 1st 2018, 9:51 pm
  #11  
Somewhere
 
BEVS's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: Below
Posts: 34,899
BEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Still getting the guilt trips

Originally Posted by RobClubley View Post
Yeah that's one of the big issues. I got away with going negative on my leave because I started a new job after the trip was booked, but I need to work until about November just to get to zero allowance.
Perhaps have a chat with your employer over this.

Originally Posted by Bo-Jangles View Post
We've skyped into a wedding and big parties before.
That's a good thought if there is someone to help set that up the other end.

I think the prob here is that for them this is a very important event. It isn't so much about holidaying somewhere else instead of doing the UK family visit thing. This is a one off for them.

They will get over it Rob simply because they love you.

Last edited by BEVS; May 1st 2018 at 9:53 pm.
BEVS is offline  
Old May 1st 2018, 11:04 pm
  #12  
Cup of tea, Father?
 
Geordie George's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2004
Location: Underground, overground, wombling free
Posts: 6,895
Geordie George has a reputation beyond reputeGeordie George has a reputation beyond reputeGeordie George has a reputation beyond reputeGeordie George has a reputation beyond reputeGeordie George has a reputation beyond reputeGeordie George has a reputation beyond reputeGeordie George has a reputation beyond reputeGeordie George has a reputation beyond reputeGeordie George has a reputation beyond reputeGeordie George has a reputation beyond reputeGeordie George has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Still getting the guilt trips

It was my in-laws golden wedding anniversary a couple of weeks back. We couldn't be there (too costly, in term time, not enough annual leave!), but Mr GG Facetimed the family during their dinner out. He also ordered a couple of bottles of champagne for the table directly with the restaurant they were going to. We also made sure to send a card and have flowers delivered to their home, too, but the wine seemed really appreciated. I guess it showed Mr GG's mum that he'd thought of them, even being so far away.
Geordie George is offline  
Old May 2nd 2018, 9:29 pm
  #13  
---
 
bourbon-biscuit's Avatar
 
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 2,990
bourbon-biscuit has a reputation beyond reputebourbon-biscuit has a reputation beyond reputebourbon-biscuit has a reputation beyond reputebourbon-biscuit has a reputation beyond reputebourbon-biscuit has a reputation beyond reputebourbon-biscuit has a reputation beyond reputebourbon-biscuit has a reputation beyond reputebourbon-biscuit has a reputation beyond reputebourbon-biscuit has a reputation beyond reputebourbon-biscuit has a reputation beyond reputebourbon-biscuit has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Still getting the guilt trips

We made my Gran a wee video for her 80th party and my cousin projected it onto a wall and filmed Gran enjoying it for me.

I find it heartbreaking to miss this sort of stuff.
bourbon-biscuit is offline  
Old May 3rd 2018, 10:15 am
  #14  
Forum Regular
 
Bobogib's Avatar
 
Joined: Jan 2015
Location: High Wycombe
Posts: 110
Bobogib has a reputation beyond reputeBobogib has a reputation beyond reputeBobogib has a reputation beyond reputeBobogib has a reputation beyond reputeBobogib has a reputation beyond reputeBobogib has a reputation beyond reputeBobogib has a reputation beyond reputeBobogib has a reputation beyond reputeBobogib has a reputation beyond reputeBobogib has a reputation beyond reputeBobogib has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Still getting the guilt trips

Originally Posted by bourbon-biscuit View Post
We made my Gran a wee video for her 80th party and my cousin projected it onto a wall and filmed Gran enjoying it for me.
I've done this too. My current line of work means I quite often miss big family events. I was supposed to be best man at my Brothers wedding, unfortunately work got in the way and I couldn't make it.

I did the same as above, recorded my best mans speech and had best man number 2 play it on the big screen. No body apart from my wife and the replacement best man knew I had done it so was really well received (and brought a few tears from all).

While you may not be able to physically make it, I think technology allows us 'to be there in spirit'. I know it doesn't replace the hug and physical aspect, but sometimes it's the thought that counts.
Bobogib is offline  
Old May 4th 2018, 6:52 am
  #15  
Forum Regular
 
Joined: Oct 2010
Location: Lower North Island
Posts: 86
Bumptious is just really niceBumptious is just really niceBumptious is just really niceBumptious is just really niceBumptious is just really niceBumptious is just really niceBumptious is just really niceBumptious is just really nice
Talking Re: Still getting the guilt trips

I have it for 31 years LOL, mind you my mother is kind of used to it now however now she is in her late 70s she does miss me more I suppose and hasn't really seen the grandkids growing up, however she and my dad have visited many times since I emigrated and I now go back every year for 5-6 weeks on my own to spend time with them. Funny thing is she emigrated from her country of birth when she was 19 to UK and met my dad and didn't go back to hers until her wedding day 3 years later! She has tried to use emotional blackmail on me over the years but for some reason it's never worked!!...but maybe I will be more understanding if and when my kids emigrate from New Zealand.
Bumptious is offline  

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Contact Us - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service - Do Not Sell My Personal Information

Copyright © 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.