just some fun..

Old Jun 19th 2007, 1:21 pm
  #46  
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Default Re: just some fun..

Marriage and Fairies

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said,
"For being such an exemplary married couple, and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said,
"Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed but a wish is a wish. So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and - abracadabra!
The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:
Men might be ungrateful idiots but ...
Fairies are female.
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Old Jun 19th 2007, 9:55 pm
  #47  
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Default Re: just some fun..

Originally Posted by welshwales View Post
..."He should've quit while he was a head!"
Indeed!
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Old Jun 20th 2007, 1:44 pm
  #48  
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Default Re: just some fun..

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval
>> > >>>>>> > ship, off the coast of Newfoundland, Canada, Oct 95. Radio
>> > >>>>>> > conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations
> 10-10-95.
>> > >>>>>> > CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South,
> to
>> > avoid
>> > >>>>>> > a collision.
>> > >>>>>> >
>> > >>>>>> > AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
>> > North,
>> > >>>>>> > to avoid a collision.
>> > >>>>>> >
>> > >>>>>> > CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
>> > degrees to
>> > >>>>>> > the South to avoid a collision.
>> > >>>>>> > AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
>> > divert
>> > >>>>>> > YOUR course.
>> > >>>>>> >
>> > >>>>>> > CANADIANS: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your
>> > course.
>> > >>>>>> >
>> > >>>>>> > AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN. THE SECOND
>> > >>>>>> > LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET, WE ARE
>> > ACCOMPANIED
>> > >>>>>> > BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT
>> > VESSELS. I
>> > >>>>>> > DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE
>> > >>>>>> > YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES
>> > NORTH, OR
>> > >>>>>> > COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
> THIS
>> > SHIP.
>> > >>>>>> >
>> > >>>>>> > CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
>> > >
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Old Jun 20th 2007, 1:45 pm
  #49  
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Default Re: just some fun..

Actual Writings on Hospital Charts

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
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Old Jun 20th 2007, 1:46 pm
  #50  
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Default Re: just some fun..

Ladies Beware - New Scam

This new scam is being pulled mainly on women who are past the age of giving a running pursuit.

What happens is that when the intended victim stops at a red light, an almost NUDE, good looking, tanned, muscled young man comes up to her car and pretends to wash the windshield.
While he is doing this, another young, handsome athletic man opens the back door of the car, jumps in and insists the woman drive off with him to some lonely spot, where he has his way with her.
They are very good at this. They got me three times Friday and five times Saturday.

I couldn't find them on Sunday ...
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Old Jun 20th 2007, 1:47 pm
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Default Re: just some fun..

>>> >A story with a Moral.
>>
>>> >On the farm lived a chicken and a donkey, both of whom loved to play
>>> >together.
>>> >One day, the two were playing when the donkey fell into a Bog and began
>>to
>>>
>>> >sink.
>>> >Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee hawed' for the chicken to go get the
>>
>>> >farmer for help!
>>> >Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
>>> >Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no
>>> >avail, For he had gone to town with the only tractor.
>>> >Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-4 silver BMW.
>>> >Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken started the beautiful motor
>>
>>> >car and the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had
>>> >time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the donkey was
>>surprised,
>>>but happy, to see the chicken
>>> >arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope
>>
>>> >the chicken tossed to him.
>>> >After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the
>>> >chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car,
>>> >rescued the donkey!
>>> >Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the
>>
>>> >farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
>>> >The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best
>>> >pals
>>>
>>>
>>>A few weeks later, would you believe, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and
>>> >soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the donkey to save his life!
>>
>>> >The donkey thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
>>
>>> >Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would
>>> >then lift him out of the pit.
>>> >The chicken got a good grip, and the donkey pulled him up and out, saving
>>
>>> >his life.
>>> >The moral of the story?
>>> >When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up a chick.
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Old Jun 20th 2007, 1:48 pm
  #52  
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Default Re: just some fun..

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men?
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
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Old Jun 20th 2007, 1:49 pm
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Default Re: just some fun..

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, banging and crashing. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
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Old Jun 20th 2007, 1:50 pm
  #54  
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Default Re: just some fun..

Dr's notes...hillarious..

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.

Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
(mis-interpertation, of course)

Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see . Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

and finally...

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

Dr. wouldn't admit his name
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Old Jun 20th 2007, 1:57 pm
  #55  
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Default Re: just some fun..

Thats it, thats all i got in my folder.... and i'm glad to see that you all have a great sense of humor and joined in with your jokes.....................We cant wait to get to n.z you lot sound a hoot Maybe we'll try oz.Or maybe i'll just put my name on a thread about being the last one to put their name on a thread.....exciting
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Old Jul 26th 2007, 2:00 pm
  #56  
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Default Re: just some fun..

O.K you lucky people i got some more Please feel free to add your own...


A scouser walked into the local Job Centre, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I want a job".

The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his twin daughters.

You get a big black Mercedes, meals will also be provided and you will be required to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.

The salary package is £200,000 a year".

The scouser said, "You're bullsh!tting me!"

The man behind the counter said, "Well you f**king started it!"
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Old Jul 26th 2007, 2:01 pm
  #57  
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Default Re: just some fun..

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach, when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."


The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want".


The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic! Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."


The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."


The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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Old Oct 24th 2007, 1:20 pm
  #58  
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Default Re: just some fun..

An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
Grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
Girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
Three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."
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Old Oct 24th 2007, 1:21 pm
  #59  
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Default Re: just some fun..

Male/Female Dictionary


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female...Any part under a car's hood.
Male......The strap fastener on a woman's bra.


2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male......Playing football without shinpads.


3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female...The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male.......Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.


4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)

Female...A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.......Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend.


5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.

Female...A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male......Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.


6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female....An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male...... Source of entertainment, self-statement, and male bonding.


7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female....The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.......Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.


8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.....A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.
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Old Oct 24th 2007, 1:23 pm
  #60  
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Default Re: just some fun..

One Liners




My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients. It's a real shame because he's a really good vet.

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much. It scared the shit out of me so today I decided I'm never reading again.

A little girl gets lost in Tesco's and the security guard asks her, 'what's your mum like?' The little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.

A boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office and the boss says, 'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off'. Ann says, 'You'd better jack off, I've got a headache'.

It's important to keep fit as you get older. My granny started walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. They say it's only for the Christmas period.

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her vagina. The doctor says, 'that looks nasty'. She says, 'Nasty? It's just the tip of the iceberg!'

Two newly-weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks, 'do you have reservations?' The bride answers, 'Yes, I won't take it up the arse'.
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