just some fun..
Jun 17th 2007, 2:23 am
#1
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Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
just some fun..
lets all put a joke on here and have a day with lots of 
here is one to start
A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop.
She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with,
"Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks,
"Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
:
here is one to start
A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop.
She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with,
"Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks,
"Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
:
Jun 17th 2007, 2:25 am
#2
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Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
and another
Council Job
A guy goes to the Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him "Have you been in the armed services?"
"Yes" he says, "I was in Vietnam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says "Yes. 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and
blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy "OK. I can hire you right now.
The hours are from 8:00 am. to 4:00 pm.
You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00am."
The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00 am
to 4:00pm then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 am? "
"This is a council job" the interviewer replies.
"For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.......
no point in you coming in for that. "
Council Job
A guy goes to the Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him "Have you been in the armed services?"
"Yes" he says, "I was in Vietnam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says "Yes. 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and
blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy "OK. I can hire you right now.
The hours are from 8:00 am. to 4:00 pm.
You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00am."
The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00 am
to 4:00pm then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 am? "
"This is a council job" the interviewer replies.
"For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.......
no point in you coming in for that. "
Jun 17th 2007, 2:30 am
#3
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Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
Hope I don't get in trouble for this...
This was apparently in the Washington Post. The title of the article was
"Best Come Back Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public
indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a
phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged"need."
"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Jane Taylor approached him. "That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. " I walked up to Lawrence and he was just...... pumping away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? f **k me, is it midnight already?
This was apparently in the Washington Post. The title of the article was
"Best Come Back Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public
indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a
phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged"need."
"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Jane Taylor approached him. "That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. " I walked up to Lawrence and he was just...... pumping away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? f **k me, is it midnight already?
Jun 17th 2007, 2:32 am
#4
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Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
I'm on a roll now...
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates, and St. Peter
asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of
one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your
finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the
next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact
with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well,
once I fondled and stroked one." St Peter says,"OK, dip your whole hand
in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a
lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to
the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter
says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going
to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks
her arse in it."
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates, and St. Peter
asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of
one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your
finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the
next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact
with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well,
once I fondled and stroked one." St Peter says,"OK, dip your whole hand
in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a
lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to
the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter
says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going
to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks
her arse in it."
Jun 17th 2007, 2:39 am
#5
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Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
c'mon join in
You have to read this in an american accent
LETTER FROM A KENTUCKY FARM KID,
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Carol
You have to read this in an american accent
LETTER FROM A KENTUCKY FARM KID,
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Carol
Jun 17th 2007, 2:44 am
#6
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Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
Sorry if you are from Manchester
Manchester`s new star
The Manchester manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Manchester. Two weeks later Manchester are 4-0 down with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Manchester.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hello mum, I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Manchester in the first place!"
Manchester`s new star
The Manchester manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Manchester. Two weeks later Manchester are 4-0 down with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Manchester.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hello mum, I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Manchester in the first place!"
Jun 17th 2007, 2:49 am
#7
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Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
Actual newspaper ads:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat . been out a while.
Better be a reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.
AND THE BEST ONE:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat . been out a while.
Better be a reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.
AND THE BEST ONE:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything
Jun 17th 2007, 2:51 am
#8
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
your turn
Jun 17th 2007, 2:55 am
#9
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
o.k. one more then bed......
A thought for the day! Being British
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American
shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.
Oh and...... Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster
than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to
the back of the shop to get their prescriptions ,while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and
a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to
the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the
drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a
skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the
fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling
accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out
of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control
Scalextric cars.
and finally.........
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the
toilet.
I am proud to be British
A thought for the day! Being British
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American
shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.
Oh and...... Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster
than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to
the back of the shop to get their prescriptions ,while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and
a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to
the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the
drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a
skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the
fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling
accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out
of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control
Scalextric cars.
and finally.........
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the
toilet.
I am proud to be British
Jun 17th 2007, 3:26 am
#10
Forum Regular
Joined: Nov 2005
Location: Isle of Wight>Hamilton>Sunshine Coast
Posts: 40
Re: just some fun..
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet,
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such
a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the
first time
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be
rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house
and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited
for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist.'
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such
a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the
first time
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be
rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house
and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited
for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist.'
Jun 17th 2007, 7:44 am
#11
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Oct 2006
Location: NZ
Posts: 3,366
Re: just some fun..
We got sent this one t'other day
Keen to go to Aussie?
>
>> August 31st
>>
>> Just got transferred with work into our new home in, Queensland!! Now
>> this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm
>> balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on
>> the veranda It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it
>> here.
>>
>> September 13th:
>>
>> Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an
>> air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to
>> see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.
>>
>> September 30th:
>>
>> Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and
>> rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another
>> scorcher today, but I love it here.
>>
>> October 10th
>>
>> The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to
>> this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting
>> used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
>>
>> October 15th:
>>
>> Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed
>> 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got
>> to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
>>
>> October 20th:
>>
>> I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
>> By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up
>> to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery.
>>
>> I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and
>> cat sh*t. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
>>
>> October 25th:
>>
>> The wind sucks. It feels like a giant f***in blow dryer!! And it's hot
>> as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman
>> charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
>>
>> October 30th:
>>
>> Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $300,000
>> house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
>>
>> November 4th:
>>
>> It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost
>> $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes
>> the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid
>> f***in place.
>>
>> November 8th:
>>
>> If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to
>> f***in throttle him. F***in heat! By the time I get to work the car's
>> radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin f***in wet, and I smell
>> like baked cat!!
>>
>> November 9th:
>>
>> Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black
>> leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my f***in *rse was on fire. I
>> lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my
>> f***in *rse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried *rse, and baked
>> cat.
>>
>> November 10th:
>>
>> The weather report might as well be a f***in recording. Hot and sunny.
>> Hot and sunny. Hot and f***in sunny. It's been too hot to do anything
>> for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next
>> week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f***in place? Water rationing
>> will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into
>> the f***in pool. Even the palms can't live in this f***in heat.
>>
>> November 14th:
>>
>> Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioner's
>> gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for
>> you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my
>> *rse out of jail for assaulting the stupid f**ker. ***** Queensland!
>> What kind of a sick demented f***in idiot would want to live here?
>>
>> December 1st:
>>
>> WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are f***in kiddin.
Keen to go to Aussie?
>
>> August 31st
>>
>> Just got transferred with work into our new home in, Queensland!! Now
>> this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm
>> balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on
>> the veranda It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it
>> here.
>>
>> September 13th:
>>
>> Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an
>> air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to
>> see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.
>>
>> September 30th:
>>
>> Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and
>> rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another
>> scorcher today, but I love it here.
>>
>> October 10th
>>
>> The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to
>> this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting
>> used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
>>
>> October 15th:
>>
>> Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed
>> 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got
>> to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
>>
>> October 20th:
>>
>> I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
>> By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up
>> to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery.
>>
>> I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and
>> cat sh*t. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
>>
>> October 25th:
>>
>> The wind sucks. It feels like a giant f***in blow dryer!! And it's hot
>> as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman
>> charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
>>
>> October 30th:
>>
>> Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $300,000
>> house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
>>
>> November 4th:
>>
>> It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost
>> $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes
>> the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid
>> f***in place.
>>
>> November 8th:
>>
>> If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to
>> f***in throttle him. F***in heat! By the time I get to work the car's
>> radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin f***in wet, and I smell
>> like baked cat!!
>>
>> November 9th:
>>
>> Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black
>> leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my f***in *rse was on fire. I
>> lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my
>> f***in *rse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried *rse, and baked
>> cat.
>>
>> November 10th:
>>
>> The weather report might as well be a f***in recording. Hot and sunny.
>> Hot and sunny. Hot and f***in sunny. It's been too hot to do anything
>> for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next
>> week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f***in place? Water rationing
>> will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into
>> the f***in pool. Even the palms can't live in this f***in heat.
>>
>> November 14th:
>>
>> Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioner's
>> gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for
>> you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my
>> *rse out of jail for assaulting the stupid f**ker. ***** Queensland!
>> What kind of a sick demented f***in idiot would want to live here?
>>
>> December 1st:
>>
>> WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are f***in kiddin.
Jun 17th 2007, 3:07 pm
#12
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
no one else bothered then?
Only in America ! ! !
These I liked"
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2006
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to capture a gunman who
barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters,
officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police
line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced
him to drive to two different automated teller machines, where the
kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money
in the cash drawer. Apparently, the amount was too small, so he tied up
the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until
police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man
in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot",
the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the
doctor asked "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a
Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to
simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
(hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour
east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a
problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new
22 foot boat to go with speed. It was very sluggish in almost every
maneuver no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of
trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone
there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check
revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the
out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and
pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped secuely in place, was the trailer!
-----------------------------------------------------
Only in America ! ! !
These I liked"
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2006
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to capture a gunman who
barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters,
officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police
line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced
him to drive to two different automated teller machines, where the
kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money
in the cash drawer. Apparently, the amount was too small, so he tied up
the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until
police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man
in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot",
the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the
doctor asked "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a
Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to
simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
(hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour
east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a
problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new
22 foot boat to go with speed. It was very sluggish in almost every
maneuver no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of
trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone
there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check
revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the
out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and
pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped secuely in place, was the trailer!
-----------------------------------------------------
Jun 17th 2007, 3:17 pm
#13
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8pm.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I cant lie to you,' he replied, 'im having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'you lying bastard! you've been playing golf!
The second Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about
having a son.They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. the joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby, Look
at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around
behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
' No, Not this time!'
The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made startling discovery, Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I cant allow you to
be cremated with such an impressive private part, it must be saved for
posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I
have something to show you wont believe," he said to his wife, opening his
briefcase. "My god!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door, "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
she rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said "pretend your a statue"
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh its a statue," she replied, "The Smiths brought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a
sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this. "I stood like that for two
days at the smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing!
The fifth affair
A man waked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be One cent?"
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied
"A Nickel?" exclaimed the man "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "upstairs with my wife"
The man asked. "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing im doing to his business down
here!"
The sixth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at his bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted "I want to die in peace. I slept with you sister, your best friends, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison do its work!"
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8pm.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I cant lie to you,' he replied, 'im having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'you lying bastard! you've been playing golf!
The second Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about
having a son.They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. the joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby, Look
at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around
behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
' No, Not this time!'
The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made startling discovery, Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I cant allow you to
be cremated with such an impressive private part, it must be saved for
posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I
have something to show you wont believe," he said to his wife, opening his
briefcase. "My god!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door, "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
she rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said "pretend your a statue"
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh its a statue," she replied, "The Smiths brought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a
sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this. "I stood like that for two
days at the smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing!
The fifth affair
A man waked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be One cent?"
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied
"A Nickel?" exclaimed the man "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "upstairs with my wife"
The man asked. "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing im doing to his business down
here!"
The sixth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at his bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted "I want to die in peace. I slept with you sister, your best friends, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison do its work!"
Jun 17th 2007, 3:19 pm
#14
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
Sanity break
Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a
plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
Reassurance for those of you who fly routinely in your jobs.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
Correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some
actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)!
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a
plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
Reassurance for those of you who fly routinely in your jobs.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
Correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some
actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)!
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Jun 17th 2007, 7:45 pm
#15
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: May 2007
Location: tauranga
Posts: 185
Re: just some fun..
c'mon everyone join in
Why We Like The British -- FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large
gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was
rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged
for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami
in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was
missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch
vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard
spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard
and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry,
but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind
had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the
audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who
was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of
1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but
when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946,
they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made
to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service.
I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from
E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know
any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time.
The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford
and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is
a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together.
All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see,
Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had
actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like
that".
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,
ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ) "Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your
bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in
the door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please
move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a
personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the
rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody
golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them
up your ass sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a
joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
Why We Like The British -- FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large
gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was
rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged
for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami
in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was
missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch
vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard
spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard
and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry,
but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind
had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the
audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who
was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of
1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but
when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946,
they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made
to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service.
I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from
E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know
any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time.
The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford
and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is
a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together.
All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see,
Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had
actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like
that".
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,
ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ) "Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your
bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in
the door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please
move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a
personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the
rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody
golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them
up your ass sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a
joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."