StevieB

it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

poppets

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.

poppets

Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
A. The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

SarahB

lol.... thats baaadddd.... I'm baaaaadddd.... you know it....

poppets

Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.

StevieB

I went into this ice cream parlour and said 'I'd like a vanilla cone'. The assistant said 'Hundreds and thousands ?'. I said 'No - I'll just have the one'. He said 'knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

danny.f

Mary,Mary,quite contrary,how does your gardan grow?
I live in a flat you silly ****,so how would I f***ing know?

poppets

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

poppets

Three couples went in to see the minister about becoming new members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newly married.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister.

''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man. ''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.''

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in B&Q either.''

poppets

A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field about 10 miles from his farm. To get there he must drive his tractor, and his dog old Joe trots along beside him. Halfway through the plowing, the tractor runs out of fuel.
He wanders out to the road and flags down a ride, which just happens to be a Ferrari. The driver says, "You can have a ride, but that dog can't get in my car."

The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up."

The driver figures he'll show the farmer just what his car can do and lets it rip. Just as he is going into 5th gear, he looks out the window and sure enough Old Joe is right beside him. He can't wait to have a look at the amazing dog, so he slams on the brakes, and the car stops rather abruptly.

The driver jumps out of exclaiming, "He's the most incredible dog I've ever seen! But what kind of collar is that he's wearing?"

The father shook he said and said, "That's not a collar. That's his asshole. He's not used to stopping that fast."

poppets

Men are like....

1. Men are like ...Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like.Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like ......Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ..Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ....Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like .Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots .. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

thebears

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
In Seth Efrika our glasses are sow cheap that we down't need to drink from the syme one twice," he says.

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Strewth mate, in Strailya mate, we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glaass either," he says

The Kiwi, cool as, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Aussie.

He turns to the astonished barman and says, "In The Land of the Long White Cloud mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Aussie's that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

poppets

A businessman enters a pub, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

poppets

A woman says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

caitlin206

woman comes home from work at teatime to find note on kitchen table from her husband. "my dear wife, I love you very much but I hope you will understand that as you are 54yrs old, you can no longer satisfy some of my needs. Don't get me wrong I value you as a wife tremendously but I hope you wont get upset when I tell you that I am spending the evening at the Comfort Inn with my 18yr old secretary. Please try not to be upset or to take it too personally - I will be home before midnight"
When he arrived home just before midnight there was a note on the kitchen table from his wife
"my dear husband, I received your letter earlier, and I am so grateful for your honesty in pointing out that I am 54yrs old. However I would like to remind you that you are also 54yrs old. As I am a teacher at the local college, I am sure you will understand when I tell you that as you read this, I will be in the Fiesta Hotel with Michael, one of my students and the colleges tennis coach. Coincidentally he is 18 too just like your secretary. As a successful business man with a good knowledge of maths I am sure you will see that our situations are the same really - except for one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more that 54 goes into 18, therefore I WON'T BE HOME UNTIL SOMETIME TOMORROW!!!"