Jokes to cheer us all up-if you need it!
Aug 12th 2006, 10:04 pm
#16
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Re: Jokes to cheer us all up-if you need it!
A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife: Y'know sump tin, honey, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station…
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
From now on, when I says, 'Bell one,' I want you to strip naked. When I says 'Bell two,' you jump on de bed. When I says 'Bell tree,' we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
The next night, he came home and shouted, 'Bell One' and she stripped naked.
'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.
'Bell Tree' and they started to make love.
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four!" What de hell is 'Bell Four', woman?" asked the astonished Jamaican. She replied: ........... Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire.
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
From now on, when I says, 'Bell one,' I want you to strip naked. When I says 'Bell two,' you jump on de bed. When I says 'Bell tree,' we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
The next night, he came home and shouted, 'Bell One' and she stripped naked.
'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.
'Bell Tree' and they started to make love.
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four!" What de hell is 'Bell Four', woman?" asked the astonished Jamaican. She replied: ........... Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire.
Aug 12th 2006, 10:16 pm
#17
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Re: Jokes to cheer us all up-if you need it!
Lol.....that was funny.
Been married for 20 years-thought I was a fantastic lover til I realised me wife was asthmatic!!!
Been married for 20 years-thought I was a fantastic lover til I realised me wife was asthmatic!!!
Aug 12th 2006, 10:21 pm
#18
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Re: Jokes to cheer us all up-if you need it!
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife! "
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, "Mary, I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, when he told me I was a bit surprised meself.
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, "Mary, I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, when he told me I was a bit surprised meself.
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Aug 13th 2006, 12:20 am
#19
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Re: Jokes to cheer us all up-if you need it!
Boy's birthday-he says, Grandad grandad,can we go to Blackpool?
G'dad says,aaaah go on then you little bugger,seeing as it's your birthday. Off they go,get to Blackpool
Grandad,grandad,can I have some candyfloss? Aaaah,go on then,seein as its your birthday!!
Grandad,grandad,can I go on the fair? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh h go on then,seeing as it's your birthday.
Grandad,grandad,can I ride on a donkey? Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh Jesus,go on then seeing as it's your birthday.
Grandad,grandad,can I have a donkey?? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you spoilt little cowpat go on then,seeing as it's your birthday!
Grandad,grandad,can I name the donkey W*nker,after my superbly intelligent Uncle Danny? Bloody hell,go on then,seeing as it's yer birthday.
Grandad negotiates with the owner,donkey bought,they make there way to the train station,but as they try to stuff the donkey into the train,it turns and legs it.
'grandad,grandad,W*nkers off!!!!'
'Now whoa there son,we've had a long day,but I gotta draw the line somewhere!!!!!!'.
G'dad says,aaaah go on then you little bugger,seeing as it's your birthday. Off they go,get to Blackpool
Grandad,grandad,can I have some candyfloss? Aaaah,go on then,seein as its your birthday!!
Grandad,grandad,can I go on the fair? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh h go on then,seeing as it's your birthday.
Grandad,grandad,can I ride on a donkey? Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh Jesus,go on then seeing as it's your birthday.
Grandad,grandad,can I have a donkey?? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you spoilt little cowpat go on then,seeing as it's your birthday!
Grandad,grandad,can I name the donkey W*nker,after my superbly intelligent Uncle Danny? Bloody hell,go on then,seeing as it's yer birthday.
Grandad negotiates with the owner,donkey bought,they make there way to the train station,but as they try to stuff the donkey into the train,it turns and legs it.
'grandad,grandad,W*nkers off!!!!'
'Now whoa there son,we've had a long day,but I gotta draw the line somewhere!!!!!!'.
Aug 13th 2006, 1:14 am
#20
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Re: Jokes to cheer us all up-if you need it!
Donna was standing nude in the mirror yesterday,she said to me,'I look fat,ugly and horrible,pay me a compliment!'
So I said,' your eyesight's spot on!'.
So I said,' your eyesight's spot on!'.
Aug 13th 2006, 1:16 am
#21
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Re: Jokes to cheer us all up-if you need it!
I was at the cashpoint yesterday,old woman,poor eyesight,asked me to check her balance,so I pushed her over!!! 
Aug 13th 2006, 1:29 am
#22
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Re: Jokes to cheer us all up-if you need it!
Originally Posted by danny.f
Donna was standing nude in the mirror yesterday,she said to me,'I look fat,ugly and horrible,pay me a compliment!'
So I said,' your eyesight's spot on!'.
So I said,' your eyesight's spot on!'.
Donna
Aug 13th 2006, 1:31 am
#23
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Re: Jokes to cheer us all up-if you need it!
Originally Posted by danny.f
What kind of death wish have you got? Aren't you suffering enough with your hangover? Do you want dinner / clean underwear / jaffa cakes ever again?
Donna
Donna
Aug 13th 2006, 1:52 am
#24
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Re: Jokes to cheer us all up-if you need it!
Trouble flared up today at the Winter Olympics,after the Irish bobsleigh team refused to go down the slope til it had been gritted!!
Aug 13th 2006, 1:54 am
#25
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Re: Jokes to cheer us all up-if you need it!
If a woman is uncomfortable watching you play with yerself do you think
a;you need more time together,
b;She's a prude
c;she should sit somewhere else on the bus.
a;you need more time together,
b;She's a prude
c;she should sit somewhere else on the bus.
Aug 13th 2006, 2:37 am
#26
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Re: Jokes to cheer us all up-if you need it!
Two nuns heading through Transilvania for a pilgramige in their little VW Camper, stop to fill up with petrol. The attendant being religious decides to warn the nuns, 'Should you ever meet a vampire you can keep him away by showing the beastie your crucifix.' The nuns thank the man and drive off.
As night falls, they start to get nervous, peering through the windscreen at the bleak landscape......... Suddenly a vampire thuds on the bonnet, blood dribbling and clawing at the nuns, 'Oh good Lord, sister maria, show it your cross!' says the first nun,
'Oi!! Get the f**k off my bonnet you bas***d!!'
As night falls, they start to get nervous, peering through the windscreen at the bleak landscape......... Suddenly a vampire thuds on the bonnet, blood dribbling and clawing at the nuns, 'Oh good Lord, sister maria, show it your cross!' says the first nun,
'Oi!! Get the f**k off my bonnet you bas***d!!'
Aug 13th 2006, 2:51 am
#27
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Re: Jokes to cheer us all up-if you need it!
BBC News has said that 5 thousand troups have entered Jordan. Early reports say she's a bit tired,front bottom's a bit sore,otherwise she's good to go again!!!
Aug 13th 2006, 4:18 am
#28
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Re: Jokes to cheer us all up-if you need it!
Originally Posted by danny.f
BBC News has said that 5 thousand troups have entered Jordan. Early reports say she's a bit tired,front bottom's a bit sore,otherwise she's good to go again!!!
Jane
Aug 13th 2006, 4:58 am
#29
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Re: Jokes to cheer us all up-if you need it!
Originally Posted by danny.f
Weather's crap again,wife on early so had to get up with hangover,Liverpool probably going to lose to Chelsea-need cheering up. Any decent jokes?
"Not tonight honey I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow & I want to stay fresh"
Hubby feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go sleep.
Few minutes later he gently taps her on the shoulder and whispers in her ear...
" You don't happen to have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Aug 13th 2006, 5:00 am
#30
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Re: Jokes to cheer us all up-if you need it!
Originally Posted by danny.f
Boy's birthday-he says, Grandad grandad,can we go to Blackpool?
G'dad says,aaaah go on then you little bugger,seeing as it's your birthday. Off they go,get to Blackpool
Grandad,grandad,can I have some candyfloss? Aaaah,go on then,seein as its your birthday!!
Grandad,grandad,can I go on the fair? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh h go on then,seeing as it's your birthday.
Grandad,grandad,can I ride on a donkey? Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh Jesus,go on then seeing as it's your birthday.
Grandad,grandad,can I have a donkey?? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you spoilt little cowpat go on then,seeing as it's your birthday!
Grandad,grandad,can I name the donkey W*nker,after my superbly intelligent Uncle Danny? Bloody hell,go on then,seeing as it's yer birthday.
Grandad negotiates with the owner,donkey bought,they make there way to the train station,but as they try to stuff the donkey into the train,it turns and legs it.
'grandad,grandad,W*nkers off!!!!'
'Now whoa there son,we've had a long day,but I gotta draw the line somewhere!!!!!!'.
G'dad says,aaaah go on then you little bugger,seeing as it's your birthday. Off they go,get to Blackpool
Grandad,grandad,can I have some candyfloss? Aaaah,go on then,seein as its your birthday!!
Grandad,grandad,can I go on the fair? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh h go on then,seeing as it's your birthday.
Grandad,grandad,can I ride on a donkey? Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh Jesus,go on then seeing as it's your birthday.
Grandad,grandad,can I have a donkey?? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you spoilt little cowpat go on then,seeing as it's your birthday!
Grandad,grandad,can I name the donkey W*nker,after my superbly intelligent Uncle Danny? Bloody hell,go on then,seeing as it's yer birthday.
Grandad negotiates with the owner,donkey bought,they make there way to the train station,but as they try to stuff the donkey into the train,it turns and legs it.
'grandad,grandad,W*nkers off!!!!'
'Now whoa there son,we've had a long day,but I gotta draw the line somewhere!!!!!!'.
Love that classic one!