Woodpigeon

Just had my fortnightly phone conversation with my mother, during which she told me that my sister is moving.

To clarify, my sister currently lives just round the corner from our 77 year old widowed mother, but has just sold her house and is moving to a new home nearly five miles away from our mother.

When we came out here I had some sense of peace of mind knowing that my sister was so close to mum (who has some minor health issues), and told her that if mum's health ever started to get worse she was to phone me, regardless of what mum said, and I'd come straight over.

During last year's bad winter weather I could relax knowing that sis was checking up on mum, making sure she had food etc. Athough they don't see each other on a daily (or even weekly sometimes) basis, its just good to know they are near each other just in case.

Double edged sword, since mum has always supported her three kids in how they choose to live their lives (my brother lives in Scotland, mum is in Devon) - so she would never have stopped me from moving here, and would never ask me to return home for her sake. So she's taking the same attitude with my sister's move. I dropped a few hints to see if she wanted me to come back, but she just kept to her usual line of not stopping us from living our lives.

I don't begrudge my sister moving, she needs to do what she wants for her life - afterall she never tried to make me change my mind about moving this far away from mum and leaving her with pretty much sole responsibility.

I guess I'm just after some support with my concerns about mum being more 'isolated' - not that she lives in an isolated location. How does anyone else cope in these sort of situations?

BTW, one thing I said to mum was that we couldn't really afford to move back at the moment, to which my 16 year old daughter in the background commented "unfortunately" - now that was a very interesting response!

jmh

I obviously don't know what sort of person your mum is, but a lot of parents would hate to think that they were the cause of difficulty and anxiety for their kids. No matter how much you miss your offspring you want the best for them and the greatest happiness. I am guessing your mum would want you to do what is right for you and your children.

Kate Rayner

Hi,
I'm heading out to NZ in July and am petrified about leaving my family for good. My brother lives 5 miles from my parents and sees them way more than me anyway. If your sis sometimes doesn't see your Mum weekly anyway - it'll only take her 10 mins to get to your Mum when she moves.

I don't know about you, but I feel incredibly guilty about leaving family behind and I think sometimes wonder if I'm doing the right thing. So when you hear news about your sister moving it might bring all those feelings to the surface??

You do have to do what's right for you. Wait till your sister has moved and check how things are going. Could you have a visit back to see how everyone is?

Not sure if this will help - it alost sounds like I'm venting!!!!

Best wishes.

Kate

BEVS

Difficult one for you . My husband and I have both been there extensively with this . We both had an elderly parent each ( my husband still has his Mom) and a sister who lived close to the elderly parent.

It's really more about how often your sister pops in to your Mum or how much quality time she spends with her, than this 5 miles of distance. 5 miles is nothing in terms of being close. It's also about communication from your siste & your relationship with her and her relationship with your Mumr. Can you rely on her to let you know if summat is going down? Are they close?

There's no point in asking yer Mum if she wants you to go back to see her. Just take that one as read. She will always want to see and be with you. You are her daughter.

Woodpigeon

Thanks for your wise words peeps.

Thing is that mum has always been closer to me and my kids than either my sister or brother and their kids. Even when we were living one or two hours drive from her we used to visit at least monthly, and phone a couple of times each week.

With my brother, in Scotland, she talks with him or his wife and kids once a week (he works away a lot, so isn't always there). She sees him maybe once every year or so.

With my sister, she talks to her and sees her sporadically, but now that sis has retired I guess mum was expecting to see more of her.

TBH if I had ever thought, when OH first mentioned the idea of a one year NZ experience, that I wouldn't go back in over seven years I honestly don't think I'd have agreed to the move. The effect on mum was the first thing I thought of when he suggested it (just ahead of what we'd do with our two 14 year old cats, and way ahead of how it would affect our kids ).

I am calming down about it all a bit now, and have decided that I need to start looking into planning a visit home, though wouldn't be able to do that for at least 18 months due to finances, existing plans etc. Also hoping to pursuade mum to come back out here for a holiday either later this year or around Easter next year. She hasn't been out since 2007, but I think she is concerned about making the long trip again at her age.

Am Loolah

We should seriously think about setting up an "OAP's Travelling Solo" type support group where they can discuss best travel arrangements, routes, companies or even try to arrange travel together. Although I imagine anyone getting my mum may well choose to miss their connecting flights after the first leg ...

Woodpigeon

My mother's first trip out to visit us in 2004 was the first time she had ever been out of the UK - and she travelled on her own (she was nearly 71 at the time)! When she made her travel bookings she asked for 'assisted travel' just really wanting someone to make sure she knew where she needed to be and when at each airport. She was then very put out to find that she was met at each airport with a wheelchair, and in Singapore they stuck a big bright orange sticker on her saying "I am being assisted" She was very relieved when she got to Christchurch and they didn't have enough wheelchairs ready for all the assisted people on her flight, so she happily gave hers up to a 'much older' gentleman - personally I think she didn't want the indignaty of meeting me for the first time in two years in a wheelchair!

But when she came again in 2007 she scared the pants off me by not only being wheeled up to us but also by making a big show of getting her folded walking stick out to help herself once she got out of the chair. Then as we walked away from the terminal to the carpark she said "is anyone watching?", and then put her walking stick away, straightened up and strided off!! Turns out she just thought she'd get her money's worth that time