malcoltom

A kid was sitting on the stairs with his cat and a bag of jellybeans. His Mum was watching him. He put a jellybean in his mouth, bit the cat and moved down a step. He then put another jellybean in his mouth, bit the cat and moved down a step. His mother asked, "What are you doing". He replied," Getting some practise in for when i'm older. Just popping pills, eating pussy and moving on".

malcoltom

Three students were doing a psychiatry lesson. The first student was asked whats the opposite of joy, she replied sorrow. The second was asked whats the opposite of depression, he replied happiness. Paddy was asked whats the opposite of woe, he replied giddy up.

malcoltom

An Israeli doctor said " Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one body and transplant into another and have the patient looking for work in 6 weeks".
"Thats nothing", said the German doctor, "We can take a lung from one person and transplant into another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks.
The English docor said " Thats nothing, we can take an arsehole from Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and half the country looking for work within 24 hours.

malcoltom

MATHS TEST.

This simple maths test can predict your all time hero. Try it without looking at the answers.

Pick a number between 1 and 9.
Times it by 3,
Add 3
Times it by 3 again
You will have a 2 digit number,
Add the 2 numbers together and check below who your all time hero is.

1. Muhamad Ali
2. Alan Shearer
3. Bob Marley
4. Ghandi
5. Elvis
6. John Lennon
7. George Best
8. Diego Maradona
9. Malcoltom
10. King Henry.

malcoltom

I'm going to rob a bank tommorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clowns wig and make up wearing only nipple tassles and a thong.
I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and while in the bank i'm going to give the goat one and throw the paint all over the place, all the time ripping up the pages of a phonebook whilst swearing my head off.
After getting the money i'm going to crap on the floor and pee all over the walls.
I will then make my escape in a van shaped like a giant pink willy.


Lets see Crimewatch stage a reconstruction of that!!!.

j19fmm

How the flip did you manage that oh my hero???

CarolineSwan

.lol my friend texted me that the other day

mkumar

A man watches his son walk past him in the morning carrying some duck tape.
"What have you got there son?" asks the man.
I've got some duck tape", replies the son.
"What are you doing with the duck tape?" asks the man.
"I'm going to get me some ducks". replies the son.
"You can't get ducks with duck tape", laughs the man.
A couple of hours later the son returns with 6 ducks stuck to the duck tape.

Next morning the son walks past his dad carrying some chicken wire.
"What have you got there son?" asks the man.
I've got some chicken wire", replies the son.
"What are you doing with the chicken wire?" asks the man.
"I'm going to get me some chickens". replies the son.
"You can't get chickens with chicken wire", laughs the man.
A couple of hours later the son returns with 6 chickens stuck to the chicken wire.

The following morning the son walks past his dad carrying some pussy willow.
"What have you got there son?" asks the man.
I've got some pussy willow", replies the son.
"Hang on", says the man, "I'll go and get my coat".

malcoltom

One day, a young pregnant woman was in a bank when it was robbed. During the robbery, she was shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where doctors saved her life. As she was leaving, she asked the doctor about her baby. The doctor said, "Oh! You’re going to have triplets. They’re all fine, but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don’t worry though, the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism."
As time went on the woman had three children. Two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls came up to her mother and said, "Mummy, I’ve done a very weird thing!"
Her mother asked her what happened and her daughter replied, "I passed a bullet into the toilet."
The woman comforted her and explained all about the accident at the bank. A few weeks later, her other daughter came up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. "Mummy, I’ve done a very bad thing!"
The mother said, "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right ?"
The daughter looked up from her teary eyes and said, "Yes. How did you know ?"
The mother comforted her child and explained about the incident at the bank. A month later the boy came up and said, "Mummy, I’ve done a very bad thing!"
"You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"
"No, I was wanking and I shot the dog."

malcoltom

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, "I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned- frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. She pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in the car!

j19fmm

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.. ..??WAY TOO
COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three- second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dip shit,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER
OF GOD WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative?

*(^%#@, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally wa s. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense
of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid. ===========

CarolineSwan

not letting me copy these jokes so here is the link to the page http://www.buddies4fun.com/fun.htm

enjoyyyy

malcoltom

A missionary gets sent into the deepest darkest Africa, and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing that he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin.
"Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!!"
One day, the wife of one of the tribes’s noblemen gave birth to a white child. The village is shocked, and the chief is then sent by his people to talk with the missionary.
"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black women gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. I know what you’ve done!"
The missionary replies: "Oh, no, my good man - you are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, called an albino. LOOK IN YONDER FIELD! You see a field of white sheep, yet amongst them is one black sheep. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief pauses a moment, and then says, "Tell you what - you don’t say anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the kid."

malcoltom

Some Things You Just Can’t Explain
A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: "Some things you just can’t explain."
Man: "So what happened that is so horrible?"
Farmer: "Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over"
Man: "That"s not so bad, what’s the big deal?"
Farmer: "Some things you just can’t explain"
Man: "So then what happened?"
Farmer: "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over"
Man: "Again? So what did you do then?"
Farmer: "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right"
Man: "And then what."
Farmer: "I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail"
Man: "Wow, you must have been pretty upset"
Farmer: "Some things you just can’t explain"
Man: "So then what did you do?"
Farmer: "Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my trousers fell down and my wife walked in"

malcoltom

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses and lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don’t you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "By the looks of it the whole fu**ing bed !"