Roy1

Hi

I am not to sure if this has come up before, but i want to move back to the UK and my wife doesn,t. We have been here in Western Australia for 13 years now and i first felt i wanted to go back in 2006 so quite some time ago. I know there is probably not much advice anybody can give but the feeling for me has never gone away, i really don,t know what to do next.

Snowman51

hi,
I live in usa, I would give anything to move back home to Uk...My husband would not even listen to me when I first spoke about it..he is canadian btw.
But i think he is very slowly coming around to the idea, it will be a few years before we even start seriously talking, he has about 6 years until he retires.
very, very slowly he is coming around, he can see that I am still home sick even after 25 years of being away.
especially at the hoildays I will say things like , oh just imagine having all the family here, he smiles and I know he is thinking the same ........ I hope!!!
hang in there, people change eventually.
have a lovely evening , I hope your weather is better than ours, we had a snow storm today , almost 1 foot of snow!!! another reason to move back home.

quoll

Oh dear! Yup, that was me for about 10 yrs (total of 32 yrs in Aus) when the DH changed the goalposts on me - he had no intention of even vaguely longish holidays in UK in retirement (he is Aussie) which was the only thing keeping me going TBH. Fast forward and we find ourselves living in UK caring for my elderly parents and the once intransigent DH is like a pup with two tails.

Basically though, whilst he was resistant, I rationalised that Aus with him was better than UK without him so I sucked it up. Of course you can cope with it but (as I later really came to understand) the impact on my mental and physical health was far more devastating than I liked to admit. I was depressed (exogenous depression, magically disappeared once away from Aus) and 50kg heavier.

The key is to work on some sense of compromise that you can both live with - at the end of the day, though, one of you will always have to put their hand up to be the sacrificial lamb. I hope you can work things out - feeling alien sucks!

uk_sweetie

My husband and I are in this battle at the moment. But, I don't think he can win this one. I want to desperately go home and he does not want to leave his job or his new truck that he just got. He will have to move over as he cannot take care of the 2 boys we have and hold down a 5am to 6.30/7pm job and come home make the dinner feed the baby etc on his own and he knows he can't live without the kids around him. So for me to return with the 2 boys on my own is no good either.That is the reality of it, he has no choice. I stay at home and take care of our 3 month and 6 year old boys. I am tired of not having my family around and he barely has any communication with his. I miss everthing about the uk. Even the rain! I would take that any day over this severe winter weather we have in michigan! Especially this year. Pipes frozen once again in the kitchen this morning
It is a difficult situation when only one wants to return! Good luck!

dunroving

I can't imagine how difficult this must be, there is no perfect solution. I have seen this come up several times over the years and several of the threads had overtones of resentment and accusations of selfishness. I think Quoll's posts are unusual in that she has always presented a very balanced perspective on it all even though it has clearly been very difficult (until the last few years ).

When kids are involved it is even more complicated. Legally, you can't remove kids from the country of residence of the other parent and that raises even more tension.

Anyway, good luck to the OP. I wouldn't want to be in a position of having to choose between a spouse or a country.

carolearly

hi

I am in that situation at the moment. I am really seriously contemplating going back to the UK. We live in Italy. My husband does not want to go back. We sold up when we came here, and rent a property in Italy . Been here for 8 years in August. We do odd jobs to pay the rent and hubby has a small pension. I know going back to Uk, with no job, less cash, and no where to live, is a challenge. I realise Uk, is not perfect, but where is ?? Italy can be great and I have had the best of times here and the worst of times. I dont know if its an age thing or just me !! I am going to Uk in s few weeks to stay for a couple of weeks. I hope the lust for home is quelled, if not I do not know.
Starting over again , middle aged would be a challenge, but I have never avoided challenges. Sometimes its really hard ..................

michali

Difficult decision. We have decided to return on two occasions. The first time we only stayed for almost two years as my husband could not get work and my salary was not enough to maintain us. He was happy to go back on that occasion, but, as I say, it did not work out. We have now applied for a spouse visa (he is non EU) so waiting to hear if we get it. He was initially very reluctant but when I went through the practical aspects, he gradually came around and I gave him space and time in which to do so. I am actually ambivalent, though there are reasons for which I would like to go back. I guess it is fear of the unknown! I am very comfortable here but we are getting older (actually we are old!) and we miss our children and grandchildren and feel we should be nearer to them. I think men generally approach matters more from a practical point of view, whereas for women it is more of an emotional issue.

One thing that saddens me is that for some posters I have read about, they are very unhappy where they are living and cannot wait to move back. My feeling is that potentially precious times are being wasted on unhappiness and while waiting for the move, they should try to make the most of the experience.

I hope things work out for you, Roy1.

Dashie

Definitely a tough one, I hope you can work it out.

I've not been on here as long as many, but there have been lots of similar stories. As Dunroving says, the majority of the posters have been really unhappy. Some marriages have ended because of this.

From our part, I don't think either of us truly wants to stay here, and we are hoping to move. However, there's usually at least one of us trying to figure out how to make things work here, or somewhere else new. We haven't had much luck with either as yet.

erin0259

My parents went through the same thing except it was my mum not my dad,we moved to Australia when i was 5 i left when i was 21, i now live in the USA, anyway my mother got so depressed and homesick, my dad did not want her to be unhappy so they moved back that was in 1987,my mother passed away 5 yrs ago and my dad has told me he does miss Australia and has gone back 3 times to visit his brother who lives there, but as much as he misses it told me how much it has changed, plus my younger brother lives in the UK and my only child and daughter moved there also 2 yrs ago and loves it, has a great job lovely boyfriend, and has no intentions of coming back, she was fortunate to become a British Citizen through me, i have also been in your situation, i married an American and i love England it is my birthplace i go back every year, every time i went home i did not want to leave and got so sad to leave my entire family behind, but he did not want to move over there and both his parents have passed away, it did cause problems within our marriage, but that was just part of it, my husband has alot of issues so i have decided to go back home alone next spring, there is nothing keeping me here anymore, we have lost our business our home, so i am going for it, i won't lie and say i am a bit nervous to start all over but very excited also, i feel bad for you as i honestly know what you are going through, maybe the two of you could go back for a holiday, it might make her think differently, but i do wish you all the luck and hope you can work things out, take care.

Sally Redux

What does your wife say when the subject comes up?

Pete H

I am in the same position, I and my US wife agreed that we would stay in US for 2 years and move to UK 7 years later I'm still here and she is still refusing.

We have had disaster after disaster here combined with freezing snowy winters and boiling mosquito infested summers.

I have had enough. My advice is to get on a plane and go if your wife follows you fine if she doesn't fine.

I am leaving this summer she says she still won't come but I think once I'm settled back home she will.

between two worlds

This is so hard. Sympathies to the OP. I was in US with USC husband for 27 yeas, getting more and more homesick all the time, wanting to move back; but for myriad reasons--he was the wage-earner, kids at various crucial stages in school etc etc--the time was never right. But he promised we would do it eventually--and now, at long last, we have!

He has retired, tho is young and may find something else--certainly needs to find his niche as he is finding it had to feel settled, altho we are in my hometown which he knows well, and which he has always liked....it's only been three months so early days, and it's been a lot of big changes all at once. Too much too fast maybe....but fingers crossed he will find lots to enjoy....

It is really really hard when partners do not want to live in the same country.....

pippalonghorn

Is there any way you can bargin with him about a move back to the UK. We are moving back to the Uk next month from NZ. At first it was only me that was unhappy with life here. I was terribly homesick. Hubby was happy. We have not lived away from the UK as long as you have though.

So we talked about what would happen if we went back home. What would my hubby love to do with his career etc? He always wanted to build his own home, so can we do that now? Returning to the UK is like returning to a blank canvas. You start again and make new choices. If you can try to get him to see it from this point of view then it may be more appealing.

I also agree with what a previous poster said about trying to enjoy the time you both have left where you live. It is easy to wish the time away until you return home but then when you have a few weeks left like myself, you wish you'd enjoyed yourself more.

vetnurse1

This is the hardest thing about emigrating isn't it? It's just so wretched and there always seems to be a loser. Before we left the UK we agreed that if either one of us wasn't happy, we'd go back. No arguments. We've been together for 28 years and there is no way I would consider going back without him, but I understand that strength of feeling when you want something so deeply but the other person doesn't and that's hard. We've both been through periods of doubt, when one seriously wanted to go and the other wasn't convinced. We worked through it and weighed up what we had and whether it would be better. Talking it through helped us see the reality as opposed to just letting our hearts rule our head. So we have resigned ourselves to stay and see how it goes over the next 1-2 years while our daughter finishes high school, then we will decide and we will probably go back. Whether my daughter will want to come back with us I don't know, and my son is settled here so won't - another heartache there!

I really feel for you and I hope you can work things out.

dunroving

How old will the dog be if you go back in a couple of years?

Dogs, kids, spouses all make these decisions more difficult, but it's the latter that's probably the most complex. Can't imagine being put in a "It's me or the UK" situation ... sounds like blackmail [not referring to your situation but the bigger dynamic]