micheleb

Been in NZ 8 years and have wanted to go home all that time. I have tried but it doesn't seem to work . NZ is great but it isn't home. I have been on medication for 7 years and both my now adult children have had counselling and therapy, as have I. OH still wants to stay! I have been reading other peoples threads and would appreciate your feedback

quoll

Is this the relationship you want to grow old in? Basically, you have a choice - cut and run and hope that your OH sees that his family is more important than the place he is living in or you suck it up and try for some sort of compromise and continue to live in NZ. I suspect that if all the rest of the family said, nope, this is it, we are off, then he would probably fall into line - however he may bring up his resentment whenever anything goes even the teensy bit wrong should you head for UK.

I do think it is sad when one's mental health is compromised (as is evidenced by your need to seek counselling - good move, BTW) that one's OH doesnt consider biting the bullet and doing their best to ameliorate the situation. However, some of them just wont!

Maybe you could haul him into marriage counselling because ultimately it is your relationship which is at risk here - it would give you the chance to say what you need to say with an impartial third party being there as a mediator.

Good luck, horrible situation to find yourself in!!!

brits1

Wow thats a long time to be unhappy....as usual Quoll offers great advice....some people make lists of to and for.....some people just get fed up of trying and return...some have to return for work reasons...I think out of all the reasons when its saddness and one of a couple does not want to return I think that must be one of the hardest to take......if you dont have a close friend you can talk to about how you are feeling can you not go to counselling....find out why you are so unhappy....it might not be just about NZ...sometimes we blame the area etc for why we are unhappy and thats not always the case deep down.....you have made the first step in writing on this site...when you are ready take the next step ......and talk...talk to your partner...your family about all kinds of things and about how you feel deep down.....good luck and take care of yourself.....

nicos

I understand wher you are coming from. I have been in Canada for 21/2 years and want to return to the UK (even though I am Canadian born and lived here until I was 24).....I have learned that if you are not happy, you have to do what you need to do...leave....8 years of unhappiness is a long time....I am at 2+ and am miserable....I surely wouldn't last 8 years! You have been strong, you have been brave, but now you need to take care of yourself...do what it best for you....soeak ot your husband and make thigs crystal clear....if his family is important to him, he'll do what it takes to make sure evryone in the unit is happy....
I hope this helps.... I feel your pain and sympathise greatly!

postman62

I can really sympathise with you, I was stuck in Canada, feeling really miserable and unhappy, for 15 months and just wanted to go home. I knew early on that I'd made a mistake going there, but 'stuck it out' because people kept telling me to. My husband had to go back to the UK for 2 weeks in September and I made the decision while he was there that with or without him I was going home. Fortunately while in the UK he realised just what we had left behind family, great friends and a good job etc and we started organising our return home as soon as he came back. I've now been home just 2 weeks and feel like a totally different person. We haven't got much money because moving to Canada and back in just 15 months has taken most of it and we're living with my dad, but I couldn't be happier.

Beedubya

I agree with all the answers you have had on here.

I see your being on medication for the depression no doubt caused by WHERE you live, I truly do believe that it can be very depressing living where you don't want to live and I will be going back to the UK myself fairly soon for this reason.

I spent some hours this past week looking at photos of my last year in the UK and really got into asking myself how did I FEEL living there as opposed to how I FEEL living here. Try it for yourself.

And there I FEEL so differently inside myself (my soul?) to the way I do here in Oz......emigrating to another country is difficult at the best of times, but when you don't "fit" it is the pits.

I really feel for you, just go inside yourself for the answer, don't analyse or over think it, do what makes you happy and listen to your gut instinct.

You already know the answer on some level.

Lorry1

I notice you are a ping-ponger moving UK,OZ,UK,OZ,UK,OZ, what made you move back and forth so many times? Are you destined to be like this forever once you become an expat?
Just wondering as I moved UK-Canada and want to return to UK, but I'm worried I will make a big mistake and want to come back here.

Beedubya

In the past I listened to other people (kids, ex husband) THIS time I am listening to ME, MYSELF and I, getting in touch with ME has been invaluable.....

Lorry1

Well good on you, hope it works out this time

EnglishRose15

I am in a very similar situation, so I understand where you are coming from, for me I have been in Aus for almost 16 years and the feeling has never gone away. It is a very long story and I have tried to fit in, put up with it, and things have now come to a head, I always thought that when it came to the crunch my husband would want to come with me. We came here when his daughter was at school, after meeting and marrying in the UK, as I did not think it fair to deprive her of her dad when she was younger, but it has never ended and after years of him procrastinating and me waiting for him to mak the decision where we will live, now he says he does not want to go.

This has left me to decide, do I go without him or stay for him and not for me. For years I have put what he wants and needs ahead of myself, he has family here, a daughter and sister and his Dad, who has now passed away, but all my family are in the UK. My parents are getting older and I want to be there, it's as simle as that. But no one relishes making a new start on their own at almost 50.

I have spent so much time and energy on trying to come up with a solution that will suit us both, I have been depressed, had counselling, but it has now come to this. We do not have children between us to consider, as I know that would make things even harder, but it is still very painful to split up a family.

Sorry to ramble, but this is the one place where I know I can let loose with others who understand, as anyone who has not been through this could not possibly understand the heartache living where you don't want to be can cause. I hope we can all come out of this stronger, better and a lot happier and living on our own terms in a place we want to be in. x

Beedubya

I think you need to join us on the "50's and 60's moving back to the UK" you are going to feel right at home there......SO MANY of us in the same boat as you (except I have no husband)......I am going back at the age of 57!!!! So come and join us, we can be 2 whingeing Poms together!!

EnglishRose15

Thanks I will.

quoll

I will be visiting Ballarat at Christmas, happy to catch up for coffee!! I understand, believe me!!!!

Beedubya

Look forward to seeing you there, if you start from the first post it will take you WEEKS to get through it all, but by the end you will feel so much better knowing you are not on your own.....

Beedubya

Hey and don't forget me if you get to Sydney before February 2011.