Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

We arrived in Auckland 2 months ago yesterday. We managed to find a rental in our price bracket and we're living in furnished place until the container arrives next week. But I hate it here and want to go back to England. My partner seems to be settling fairly well in his job but I find it very hard to feel at home here, I miss my family, the dog we had to leave behind and even little things like a decent takeaway and proper heating. At the moment I feel like telling the shippers to put the container back on the ship and taking the next flight home :( .

Anyone else feel the same as me? how long does it take to settle and is 2 months long enough to know that you made a mistake?

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

Settling in takes time. How much time depends on the individual and their circumstances. And don't under-estimate the power of culture shock.

http://edweb.sdsu.edu/people/CGuanip...hok.htm#etapas

Are you planning on working in NZ?

And welcome. :)

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

I reckon you should just relax and wait at least 6 months before making a decision.

My parents got a massive shock when they first came to Oz but now six months later they are so happy here and they would never go back to England.

However, my sister moved to Auckland from Sydney with work and even after a year was still really unhappy.

Give it a shot for at least 6 months so you feel more settled and then see how you feel. Join some clubs and do some volunteering to make you feel more a part of a community and meet some new friends. It really helps.

Good luck :)

P.S. Is there anyway you can bring your dog over to join you? You must miss him/her a lot!

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

Cathy,
give it time, two months is too early, homesickness hit me after 3 months and i was so ready to pack up and go back, but ive stuck with it, we've been in Oz now for 1 year and 7 months and love it here, dont get me wrong, i still get pangs to go back, but its only because of my family that i still miss like crazy, We now have made our own friends here and have a social life again, it does take time to settle, everything seems so foreign and strange at first, but it does get easier, i feel for you, i really do, i remember that horrible crushing feeling of wanting to go back, but remember why you came out here, you may even need to look at a different city to live in if you are not comfortable in Auckland, Good luck, and i hope you feel better about things soon, stay strong

fee :)

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

I would give it longer. I felt just the same as you and constantly had an ache in my stomach and could not stop crying (which just wasn't like me). Things do get easier and things start to become familiar. Try and join some clubs or do some volunteer work as this will get you mixing with other people and I am sure you will soon feel better. Even now if I am having a bad day I take myself off down to the local town for a coffee just so that I am not in the house feeling sorry for myself.

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

Perhaps they should try moving to OZ perhaps Queensland, she might still be homesick but atleast you would have nice sunny weather compared to grey freezing New Zealand.

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

You could try doing a search for "homesick" - you'll find that your experience is not unusual, in fact far from it. You'll also find that in many cases, people come around after a few months and love it.

So, definitely don't give up yet, and don't go straight back or you may become a "Ping Pong Pom" - one of the many who go back to the Uk and immediately think "What have I done?" and go back!

Give it time (easy to say, harder to do), and don't look at it like a life sentence but a 6-month or 1-year holiday. Who knows, at the end of your "holiday" you may have changed your mind. And if not, remember that the UK will always let you back in. ;)

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

Hi CathyC,

It takes time to settle in. We have been in Auckland for almost 4 years now and it probably takes a good year to feel settled. Whereabouts are you?
It is a culture shock. I will never forget driving from the airport to the motel and thinking "what have we done?". You probably have not arrived at the best time of year and the rainfall these past 2 months has been much higher than usual.

We were thinking of coming back to the UK and I am always on this site looking at other opinions on what it is like to return. My children love living here and I can't fault the education they are getting. I think if we were closer to our families we would have gone back also. Have you been here before and what made you come to NZ?

Good Luck Mandy.

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

My homesickness kicked in at about 4 months. Culture shock is exactly what it is. I had days where I just sobbed all day. I started doing some voluntary work with Riding for the Disabled. I had set days to go which gave me a purpose again. I got a puppy and I got a job - only 10 hours a week, but it has made the world of difference to how I feel.

I am setting myself a target of 2 years and telling myself that I can go home if I want. The reality is that already I have some great friends here and a "life" that I would not want to disrupt by going back to UK. My job in UK has gone, my house has gone, and I didn't actually see my family that often, so really all I would be returning to is familiarity. I find that I am putting in so much more effort over here. I feel as if the world is my oyster !

Get out of the house and get talking to people. I even volunteered to walk dogs at the local animal sanctuary. Everyone talks to you if you are walking a dog ! A major thing is to create a new life for yourself rather than trying to re-create your old one.

Good luck - it does get easier...........

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

It hit me after about 3 months. I felt worse and worse and hit rock bottom after about 15 months. I had just returned from a week in the UK and sat crying all day. I didn't want to get out of bed in the mornings and face the day. At weekends when we were out as a family I would try to find stores that were open until 10/11pm so I didn't have to go back to our rental. Every time my husband or daughter spoke to me I would just burst into tears. They didn't know what to do as I am usually a strong person and never cry. I just couldn't see an end to the blackness. It would have been easy for my husband to get a transfer back to the UK but I didn't want to give in. One Friday evening I bought a bottle of St Johns Wort, took the max dose and the next morning I felt like my old self again. It was unbelievable, I took them for about 3 weeks and after that just odd times when the blues started to come back. Looking back I should have seeked medical help but I just couldn't admit to a stranger that I couldn't cope and my life was spinning out of my control. Over the next 6 months we decided to buy a house, which really helped me settle and then we got a dog. I had always had dogs in the UK and had left my 2 dobermans behind, which I think contributed to my depression. We have been here 10yrs now and I am pretty settled but will always be a Brit at heart. All in all it took me 2 yrs for things to settle down and fall into place. Good luck.

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

Give it some time. Your stuff hasn't even arrived yet. When you ahve your own things around you and can start making your own nest with some familiar things you might start to settle a bit more.

Are you working or planning to work? Keeping busy makes it easier.

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

Wow! thank you so much for all of your replies :) .

I'm not sure if this is homesickness or not, that's the problem. I've moved round a fair bit but have never felt this negative about a place. Yes it could be culture shock but I was expecting something a lot different.

We're living in Mairangi Bay which is in the north shore of Auckland. It's not at all like I'd thought it would be. It's very hilly for a start and a lot more built up.

We've got two young children and I don't have any intention of working until they are in school full time. I've started to visit some groups with them and have made some friends. But it's not the lack of friends really that is bothering me. It's the coldness and dampness, the awful cost of electricity, no heating, the standard of the rental houses, the bad driving, giving way to the right, the food.....I could go on.

But of all of it it;s the houses that have really depressed me. Honestly some of them wouldn't even be found in a dumpy holiday camp in Britain, how on earth could landlords have the cheek to rent them out in such a state? We looked at some where the plaster was so wet you could pick it off the walls, how can children live in a place like that? And no heating either, there's no way I'd have a portable gas fire because I'm scared stiff of the things so we have to rely on electric heaters and I'm dreading the next bill. But we have to keep the place warm because of the children, It's really hard sometimes.

When I think of our lovely house back in England I could cry but if I start I may never stop. It can't be just me, do other people feel the same?

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

I'm sorry you are finding it hard to adjust, I did too. Once I got a job in Washington DC it was sooo much better - life seemed to normalize :) Moving to Seattle a couple of weeks ago has made it all seem very strange again but I know that in a few months I will feel adjusted. It will get better honestly but if it doesn't, talking to your husband about how displaced might help. If he isn't able to understand how you feel and there is no one close by who you can talk to, there are lots of great people here to talk to about how you feel on the forum or in private. Take care and I hope you feel more settled soon

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

Hi Cathy,

Perhaps you could find another rental. We rented a house whilst building a new house, but decided on moving into a new rental. There must be plenty around on the North Shore (Albany etc..). It does make all the difference living in a new house ( alot drier and warmer)! Electricity is expensive, but you need to keep the children warm. Once October arrives you will probably not need it.

Driving in New Zealand my favourite topic. I have travelled quite alot but I have never seen such standards of BAD driving. When we first arrived it really got to me, but now I have mellowed and don't let things get to me quite so much (must be the result of having 4 children)!

If you allow yourself a year or two (change of seasons) perhaps you may grow to like it, if not you can always go back. I think New Zealand is a great place for children, but you need to be happy as well.

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

Yes I felt the same as you!!!

I so agree with the things you have said about the houses, driving etc etc. We just tend to laugh those things off now.

I agree with Amanda.... I was shocked about the standard of driving here after UK. I think in UK everyone drive so much faster but here people are just plain ignorant. It annoyed me no end to start with but now I just do the same and dont give a cr@p like the rest of them! Most cars here seem to be dented and scratched, I think I'm the only person in my road who washes their car..lol. If you try to back out of a parking space nobody ever gives way to let you out.... it doesnt bother me at all now... I just expect it.

I dont know what to say to you really as only you know how you feel. But you really have arrived at the worse possible time of year. The spring summer and autumn here goes on for ages, and you see so much more blue sky here. This damp wont last forever I promise!!

To save on electricity bills we unplugged all the oil filled radiators we had been advised to buy when we got here (dont listen to kiwis lol!) and we now have one of those portable gas bottle fire things and we bought the fire guard that fits round it off Trademe as we have a toddler. I just have the one oil filled switched on in Tiny Terrors room at nap and night time.

We did find a lovely rental and have been in it for almost a year now but yes some are really awful I agree. I found the lack of heating really hard last year but this winter Im not finding it so hard... I also have an inbuilt radiator in my tummy at the moment (9 weeks preggo) so maybe thats why I dont feel the cold so much! :)

I have PM'd you... I hope things get better for you soon. Try to get out and keep busy. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Sarah

oh.... edited to add that xpat19 from NZ forum has a beautiful dog that they are trying to find a good home for... any good for you?

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

Why is it that they have no heating over there?

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

They do.
But the cost of running central heating with radiators in every room is exorbitant, as is double glazing, so houses in NZ don't have it. You have to adapt to the NZ way of doing things and not expect it to work (or be as cheap) as the same as in the UK...
We have a 3 bedroom house with an excellent efficient logburner which heats the whole house, full insulation, one electric oil radiator to take the chill off in the mornings - and we are absolutely snug.

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

Youre lucky... we live in a badly designed house. Its a beautiful house to look at and quite nice in the summer with its open plan and tiled floors, but winter its really cold. The living is all upstairs and the bedrooms downstairs. The log burner is upstairs and heats only the one room that it is in.... what a waste of heat as it kicks out so much but goes up out of the roof... silly design. We were offered the house to buy but its been ok living here for a while but its not what we would want to spend our money on... I like rooms that have doors and I'd have the log burner downstairs so it could heat both floors. I'm sitting in the study now which is upstairs and nowhere near the log burner and its really cold in here. Theres no other form of heating in this large house.... it mustve cost a lot to build so why not have underfloor heating or something? I know the winters arnt long and freezing up here like in the UK but its still cold and damp in the houses and this rainy weather can go on for weeks and weeks.

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

I think they believe that NZ is a Tropical Island in the Pacific and there is no need for heating. We are in Auckland and it is really only cold for 2/3 months and that's only really at night. I have seen some strange things here; people swimming in their clothes is a very common site and people walking around supermarkets in their pyjamas!! Perhaps being so remote from the rest of the world strange things happen :eek:

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

I think you should be giving it more like one to two years to get real insight to how you feel about the place. NZ isn't just Auckland, and also, moving to any new country has an element of culture shock attached to it. It takes time to settle in and adjust, anywhere. Two months, even 6 months in my opinion is way too short a time period to make a real assessment.

You also have to consider how this impacts you family, and maybe actively seek support and new friends. Good Luck.

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

Hi Cathy
Sorry to hear you are feeling so low. I felt pretty much the same as you when I first moved. By the end of my first week I wished I was some place else. You may feel a bit different once you are surrounded by your own stuff. I know I did...it was a bit like Christmas!! Two months is not enough to feel like you belong somewhere, it may take years. Have a good think about what you fancy doing and consider going to college. Volunteering is a good way to get involved in your local community. You should be able to get info from the internet. Are you planning to work? It will take one or all of these things to enable you to develop a lifestyle out there that suits you. But dont give up the ghost yet, you must have wanted to move quite badly. When Im really down I remind myself of my stressed out lifestyle back home and the rocketing house prices and that brings me back down to earth. As to the dog, is there a particular reason you had to leave him/her? We brought our dog with us and she has been my lifesaver sometimes. Dont give up. Sort out what you want and go out there and get it!
Very best of luck.
Rosie in Tasmania

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

Of course!! I used to sit back, close my eyes and walk from room to room in my UK house....it was as though I was right there. For the majority of us it does get better...it may take a while...but like everything else...time heals.

An Oz lady once told me she thought it would be easier to settle here if English wasn't the spoken language. I think that's very true. We expect English speaking countries to be similar to the UK and they are not.

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

I don't quite agree with what the lady said. Im from Germany and settled in Australia 9 years ago. I also have been living for some time in Singapore.

In my view for somebody who comes from a non-speaking country I feel it is harder firstly because we understand a lot less. Having said that, living in Singapore was peanuts compared to Australia. The mentality was more my thing, and of course the food.

In my view, that what makes us feel miserable in another country is, when the living standards are lower than what we are used to. On top of it we moved to another country for a so-called better life. And , in my view NZ is not a better life because the living standards as the initial poster said are far below from what we are used in Europe. For me Australia is lacking quite a bit behind Germany in terms of living standards. I've never felt so cold in my house as I do in Australia. Also the choices are far less in NZ than Europe.

Last night I spoke to my daughter in the UK. She told me about all the weddings she has to attend to, 3 in the UK, one in Cypress, one in Germany, one in Spain. She has invitations to 30th birthdays in Austria, Munich and Marakesch. Where can we in OZ or NZ go for the weekend? Running around in OZ and NZ, that's it. In Europe they have very cheap airfares, from were I lived within one hour driving I was in France, 2 hours in Belgium and Swiss, and 6 hours in Eastbourne. Where do I get from Perth?

NZ has an amazing landscape, but that is not enough.

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

Yes what you say is very true. It can be extremely isolating to be so far away. It is so expensive to travel from NZ. We looked in to flying back to the UK for a holiday and flights for 6 of us amounted to between $14 and $21 thousand dollars. We took flights to Florida in January of this year and they cost $14 thousand dollars!! I really miss holidays to Europe and that is probably one of the main reasons I would return to the UK from living in NZ.

Mandy.

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

Compared to Eastbourne?

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

I think you missed my point about the language. The point was that because English is the spoken language, one expects lifestyle/culture of that country to be similar to the British way of life and it is not. If you were moving to Japan, where the language isdifferent you naturally expect the lifestyle/culture to be different.

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

I know what you mean, if anything, moving to an 'English' speaking country, makes it harder to aclimatise yourself to a different culture. If you move to say France or Spain, you need to learn the Language and with that, there comes an understanding of the daily differences in lifestyle. Look at us, (US/UK) two countries divided by a single Language, will I ever get used to it, probably not. :)

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

Exactly Gruff, us people from Joizey understand each other....especially us blondes LOL. :D

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

Yeah right. :D

Two months isn't enough, 6 months to a year for the Honeymoon period. That should be the time you find out the good things about the country.
Then comes the day to day familiarity, that you get anywhere in the world, nowhere is perfect, you have to make the most of it, IMO.

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

I couldn't agree more and I AM trying to make the most of it. But it's a lot harder than I ever expected it to be. It is absolutely freezing today and I would give anything for a gas fired central heating system :o
Most of the Kiwis I speak to think that central heating would be a waste of money but those who have been abroad or travelled around a bit agree with me when I say we need it here. I am so worried that the kids will come down with a chest infection from the dampness so I have the heater on in their room (they are in the same room because it's cheaper to heat just the one) but I find it difficult to get their clothes dry.

Right now I'm looking at my windows, they are all steamed up and condensation is running down them. I'd like to open them up & get some fresh air round but daren't let out any of the expensive heat that's built up in the house. Someone said to get a dehumidifer but when I looked at the prices of them I think "oh heck, it's not worth it, I'm going to be back in England soon anyway and won't need it there"

Thank you all for your support but I can't ever imagine wanting to stay here. I think I need to talk to my partner about how I feel but have been holding off thinking that things may improve when we are in the new rental & we have our own things round us. Perhaps there is hope yet :confused:

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

It's not much warmer this side of the Tasman today (I'm sat here with a vest, long sleeved T, jumper and a scarf on, wishing I'd brought my hat to work :o :D ). But you can learn a lot from the locals - at least in Sydney, people use shopping centres, museums etc as places to either warm up or cool down (depending on the season). Obviously depends on how easy it is for you to get out, but it can be worth it.

The first few months are hard. It gets easier! Give yourself time. And congratulate yourself that you've made it this far! It's more than most. ;)

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

If a dehumidifier will make a difference then get one! Ok, say for example that you are going to leave for the UK as soon as you can, that is still going to be at least two months for you to wrap up your affairs, and that is July and August, which is winter. So for your own sanity, get a dehumidifier, or whatever you need in order to make your life better. If you only need one for the next couple of months, then you don't need an expensive brand. Check out the Warehouse, or TradeMe, for bargains.
Is the house you are in your first rental in NZ? Did you take heating into account when looking for your new house? Often the first house is very wrong because you are under pressure to find a house to live in, and you don't know what is important for choosing the right house for your family in this new place.
Write a list of all things that are bothering you, take three things that you can do something about and make it your mission to find a way of fixing at least one of them this week.
Often it is the one at home with the kids that has the most difficulty in settling in, no workmates to talk to, no ability to find other likeminded souls. Make it your mission to figure out a way of getting out of the house and finding a way to meet others.
We have all been to this place that you find yourself... and we are here for you.

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

You poor pooch! i say give it 3 months, the weather will pick up soon enough and its natural to be homesick, everything needs time to adjust, you can do it! :) talk to oyur boyfriend and tell him your homesick, nothing to be ashamed of!

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

:) I could talk to my boyfriend about it but my husband may get a bit tetchy about that, lol!!!

The container arrives Friday. Do I tell them to stick it back on the ship or go out and buy a dehumidfier? at the moment it looks like a trip to the Warehouse is on the cards but I'm not going to be unpacking too many of those boxes. I must admit I am really looking forward to having my stuff and I'm heading straight for the cartons marked "duvvets"

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

Hi Cathy,

Try and get a better rental. Your health is more important. If you like the home surroundings it's much easier to cope with other stuff that makes you homesick. If your kids get sick then you will have another worry. So A) get some heat on in that house or B) move to a better one.
It takes some getting used to over here. it's just up to you whether you want to get used to it or not! good luck.

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

I'm sorry things aren't going as well as you'd hoped. I must be in the minority in that I felt at home straight away! I guess because I was travelling on my own and living out of a backpack to start with may have something to do with it!
It took me six weeks to find a job and then I moved to the town I would be working in. It took me another four weeks to find a place (I was a boarder in the end but it worked out more like flatmates) and I never got homesick.

I guess I can't really appreciate where you're coming from but after moving back to the UK to tie up my loose ends financially I have got really homesick. I miss New Zealand 10 times more than I ever missed the UK!

Things will get better, Look around for a new rental, spend your days out with the kids exploring - have you been out and about in Auckland?

If things get really bad then maybe auckland isn't the right place for you. i lived 90 minutes drive from the city and loved being in the countryside.

Just don't give up so easily. You've come this far.

Hope it all works out for you.

Alison

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

Hi

I moved from Leeds 10 years ago, we lived in Auckland for a few of years, then we moved to Wellington and eventually moved to Melbourne, Australia, partly due to my husbands job, but really in the hope I would be happier in the next place but I never have been truly happy. My 21 year daughter moved back to UK 10 months ago and I'm feeling even worse now. I considering moving back. All I can only say it is early days for you, and if you want to make a go of it, you have to work, get a hobby or do something to keep yourself busy. I took a nursing degree in Wellington, it kept my mind off it for a bit and I made some friends too. I saw a thread the other day and someone said if you don't settle in 18 months you never will. I really feel for you, I've been there, NZ is a beautiful place, but when you are homesick and depressed it is hard to see the beauty or good side of any country, but I certainly know what you mean about the heating and takeaways etc, it is not much better here either.

Good luck :)

Mandy

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

Thank you for the contined support, it's good to know that some people felt the same as I do I think I'm going to be feeling unsettled for a quite a while yet.

The move into our new rental went fine. The container arrived on the day it should have, everything was ok except for a few bumps and a minor breakage. It does feel really lovely to have our things around us again. We have a bit more space and a garden for the kids to play in which is good.

The weather has been a lot better during the day, it's SO GOOD to see the sun even though it has been freezing at night and first thing in the morning :) . We really feel the need to top up on sunshine after being cheated of a summer this year.

I was talking to someone this morning who said a her friend in Dannemora was mugged on her driveway. She had got some money out of the cash point and these three Maori men followed her home. They assaulted her as she pulled up on to her drive, as she climbed out of her car they snatched her bag and roughed her up quite badly. She's still in shock and very bruised. The police apparently don't want to know, they won't even look at CCTV cameras at the shopping centre. They have refused to trace the call that was made from her mobile phone because they would have to pay Telecom! How lame is that? thank god she didn't have her kids with her at the time.

I thought we'd come to New Zealand to leave stuff like this behind, heaven help us. Not good is it.

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

Did you really? Did you honestly think there was no crime in this country?
Of course there is, unfortunaltey things like what you have described happen all the time all over the world. I think you are just being more sensitive to it as you are still looking for justifications to go back home.

Are you still around Mairangi Bay? Enjoy the winter sun, take the kids down the beach for a run about, just try to imagine how great your first summer will be here, even if you only have one before going home. There are plenty of solid houses about and I hope your new rental feels like a real home.

Re: Two months is enough, I want to go home
 

No I thought this was a golden land of opportunity filled with happy hobbits and kind elves :rolleyes:

Of course there is crime all over the world what makes New Zealand any different? At least back in Britain the police would be a little more concerned about a woman being beaten up and robbed on her driveway by three men. They could probably afford a whip round to pay a small charge to BT too. Did you hear on the news about a Pukekohe woman who was repeatedly raped in her home for 5 hours by an intruder? or the twin baby boys being battered to death by a member of their family?

How long have you lived here JudeJ and where did you come from?