Telling the OH that I am not happy
Oct 10th 2010, 7:52 pm
#46
Forum Regular
Joined: May 2010
Location: Crete, Greece
Posts: 115
Re: Telling the OH that I am not happy
I feel more and more trapped here and I know that eventually it is going to have a bad affect on my marriage. I love my hubby and our daughter adores him. So my question is if hubby won't take the risk do I end up staying here and being miserable for the sake of our daughter?????
Oct 10th 2010, 8:19 pm
#47
Just Joined
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 26
Re: Telling the OH that I am not happy
episis!!!! LisaP
Oct 10th 2010, 8:23 pm
#48
Forum Regular
Joined: May 2010
Location: Crete, Greece
Posts: 115
Re: Telling the OH that I am not happy
Ti na kanoume. Mamades, eimaste.
Oct 13th 2010, 6:08 am
#49
Forum Regular
Joined: Sep 2010
Location: Rift Valley, Kenya
Posts: 68
Re: Telling the OH that I am not happy
This is indeed one of the hardest aspects of moving abroad, this being stuck between wanting to live somewhere and wanting to be with someone and when those two do not compute, then there is a massive problem.
I am currently goig through a small hell and I can honestly say, I did not expect this when we moved here. To make a very long story very short, my wife and I met in Reading, Berkshire in 1998 and married in 1999, for me, a Swede having recently moved to the UK to settle there, that was a sure way of staying. Did not turn out that way. My wife has family in Belgium and in 2000, we moved there with our new baby. I thought I could make a go of things but without the languages, that was not to be. I became a stay-at-home dad and helping out with the financial side of the family business. In 2005, I decided to try to get a job in England which I did but by now we had three kids and it was hard living in England and with the family in Belgium, a house in England big enough for all of us was out of the question and so, we decided to do a very crazy thing, we sold our house in Belgium and bought a farm in Sweden, my native country. It took us four years and a lot of cash to one, end up pretty much bankrupt and two, realise we bought loath Sweden even though we made some great friends. So, at 34 and 33 and with five kids aged 11-0, we decided that we had one final chance of making a go of things and my wife, who all this time has worked as a freelance translator and hated it but earnt a lot of money which was necessary.
My wife was a teacher before we met and loved it and so, she decided to try again and applied for jobs in the UK, With no QTS, she did not get many replies but then saw a job in Kenya at a boarding school, we saw this as a chance of getting her a job, the kids a good education and a bit of an adventure. Well, she got the job and I remember the day very well, I screamed of joy, I was so happy. At that time, it was -20 degrees outside and a meter of snow in Sweden, and dark all the time (I hate snow). Also, our financial problems had gone from bad to worse and I lay awake at night worrying when the bailiff would come. We left Sweden in August, having not sold our house as planned and not paid off our debts as planned but still, thinking that Kenya would be good.
Well, we are here now and we still have not sold the house and in fact are now being forced to sell below the mortgage by the bank (fair enough) but i have to say, I find life a living hell. I wake up every morning sad and go to bed sad. Sure, I have aboslutely no real reason to complain. I have five wonderful kids, I have a wonderful wife and we have our meals cooked for us, a cleaning lady for the house and clothes, a nanny, a gardener. I used to drive 30-40k miles every year in Sweden just to school and the shops, here I hardly ever have to drive.
But I feel so trapped here. We live on the school compound and my wife works ALL the time. This is a couple who spent almost every woken minute together for over ten years, both working from home. Now, my wife leaves in the morning for work (a 1 minute comute) and comes back at 7 in the evening and then has to do her lesson planning for the next day. Now I completely support her, she wants to be a teacher and needs to do this, I understand that and will help her. The three older kids board (in houses 1 minute away) so we never see them but I am with the two smallest ones (4 and 2) and no, I am not good with little kids who spill milk and make a mess. From 8 am to 4 pm, we have a nanny to help and then I work, trying to earn money to pay off our hugh debts in Sweden, over £40k and to save up so we can buy a house in the UK and send the kids to secondary school in the UK.
But the thing is, I feel so extremely trapped. I basically live at her work, and all the adults here are her colleauges so if I go for a coffee in the staff room, they talk about work, of course they do, nothing wrong with that, but I am not one of them. Sometimes I am asked to leave as they are having a meeting about kids, including mine. I understand why but it feels so isolating. We were told that we could eat dinner with the staff, but the kids are not allowed into the staff room and we are not allowed to bring food back to our house so we have to sit outside, but this is the rainy season. So, dinner has gone from a nice evening meal with all the family to me and the two babies having sandwiches, at a time in the day when they are about to collapse. Life in Kenya is all about sports, for the whites anyway, and I do not like sports, and even if I did, I have the kids to look after and I have to work and we have no money.
When I left school at 18, I suffered from deep depression, so deep I contemplated suicide. I feel the same way now. It is so horrible, I really sometimes do not know what to do.
But, I have to soldier on and most of the time, it is ok, sometimes it is great and then I am down again. I am sure many of you here know the feeling. But I have a plan, I am going to do a second degree and get a qualification and then, in three years, when our oldest needs to leave this school and start GCSE, I am leaving with him to the UK. That is the only way and I have between now and then to get my degree and pay off our debts. I hate it, hate it, hate it but I am surrounded by people (local Africans) who have little choice in life so I should not complain, but at the same time, for the last five weeks, I have been close to tears at least once every day and one evening, I did in fact burst into tears outside the school chapel.
It is hard and sometimes life throws you around in ways you did not expect. What I fear the most is that my wife really likes it here, she thinks Kenya is great but I think it is ugly. There is dirt everywhere, they burn plastic on the streets and the traffic is chaos, there is no architecture at all, none and no history, no museums, no plays etc. I do not quite understand because my wife did medival history and loved living in Belgium because of all the history and culture. I am a white European and do not belong here and I fear that she thinks this place is the bees knees with its lack of rules and regulations, dos and donts. We came here because my wife wanted to become a teacher and we thought this was a good idea to start, we have always been united in our love of England but she now seems to think that England is a bit of a dump.
Ach well, I'll be alright really but some days are so hard, I do not know what to do.
I am currently goig through a small hell and I can honestly say, I did not expect this when we moved here. To make a very long story very short, my wife and I met in Reading, Berkshire in 1998 and married in 1999, for me, a Swede having recently moved to the UK to settle there, that was a sure way of staying. Did not turn out that way. My wife has family in Belgium and in 2000, we moved there with our new baby. I thought I could make a go of things but without the languages, that was not to be. I became a stay-at-home dad and helping out with the financial side of the family business. In 2005, I decided to try to get a job in England which I did but by now we had three kids and it was hard living in England and with the family in Belgium, a house in England big enough for all of us was out of the question and so, we decided to do a very crazy thing, we sold our house in Belgium and bought a farm in Sweden, my native country. It took us four years and a lot of cash to one, end up pretty much bankrupt and two, realise we bought loath Sweden even though we made some great friends. So, at 34 and 33 and with five kids aged 11-0, we decided that we had one final chance of making a go of things and my wife, who all this time has worked as a freelance translator and hated it but earnt a lot of money which was necessary.
My wife was a teacher before we met and loved it and so, she decided to try again and applied for jobs in the UK, With no QTS, she did not get many replies but then saw a job in Kenya at a boarding school, we saw this as a chance of getting her a job, the kids a good education and a bit of an adventure. Well, she got the job and I remember the day very well, I screamed of joy, I was so happy. At that time, it was -20 degrees outside and a meter of snow in Sweden, and dark all the time (I hate snow). Also, our financial problems had gone from bad to worse and I lay awake at night worrying when the bailiff would come. We left Sweden in August, having not sold our house as planned and not paid off our debts as planned but still, thinking that Kenya would be good.
Well, we are here now and we still have not sold the house and in fact are now being forced to sell below the mortgage by the bank (fair enough) but i have to say, I find life a living hell. I wake up every morning sad and go to bed sad. Sure, I have aboslutely no real reason to complain. I have five wonderful kids, I have a wonderful wife and we have our meals cooked for us, a cleaning lady for the house and clothes, a nanny, a gardener. I used to drive 30-40k miles every year in Sweden just to school and the shops, here I hardly ever have to drive.
But I feel so trapped here. We live on the school compound and my wife works ALL the time. This is a couple who spent almost every woken minute together for over ten years, both working from home. Now, my wife leaves in the morning for work (a 1 minute comute) and comes back at 7 in the evening and then has to do her lesson planning for the next day. Now I completely support her, she wants to be a teacher and needs to do this, I understand that and will help her. The three older kids board (in houses 1 minute away) so we never see them but I am with the two smallest ones (4 and 2) and no, I am not good with little kids who spill milk and make a mess. From 8 am to 4 pm, we have a nanny to help and then I work, trying to earn money to pay off our hugh debts in Sweden, over £40k and to save up so we can buy a house in the UK and send the kids to secondary school in the UK.
But the thing is, I feel so extremely trapped. I basically live at her work, and all the adults here are her colleauges so if I go for a coffee in the staff room, they talk about work, of course they do, nothing wrong with that, but I am not one of them. Sometimes I am asked to leave as they are having a meeting about kids, including mine. I understand why but it feels so isolating. We were told that we could eat dinner with the staff, but the kids are not allowed into the staff room and we are not allowed to bring food back to our house so we have to sit outside, but this is the rainy season. So, dinner has gone from a nice evening meal with all the family to me and the two babies having sandwiches, at a time in the day when they are about to collapse. Life in Kenya is all about sports, for the whites anyway, and I do not like sports, and even if I did, I have the kids to look after and I have to work and we have no money.
When I left school at 18, I suffered from deep depression, so deep I contemplated suicide. I feel the same way now. It is so horrible, I really sometimes do not know what to do.
But, I have to soldier on and most of the time, it is ok, sometimes it is great and then I am down again. I am sure many of you here know the feeling. But I have a plan, I am going to do a second degree and get a qualification and then, in three years, when our oldest needs to leave this school and start GCSE, I am leaving with him to the UK. That is the only way and I have between now and then to get my degree and pay off our debts. I hate it, hate it, hate it but I am surrounded by people (local Africans) who have little choice in life so I should not complain, but at the same time, for the last five weeks, I have been close to tears at least once every day and one evening, I did in fact burst into tears outside the school chapel.
It is hard and sometimes life throws you around in ways you did not expect. What I fear the most is that my wife really likes it here, she thinks Kenya is great but I think it is ugly. There is dirt everywhere, they burn plastic on the streets and the traffic is chaos, there is no architecture at all, none and no history, no museums, no plays etc. I do not quite understand because my wife did medival history and loved living in Belgium because of all the history and culture. I am a white European and do not belong here and I fear that she thinks this place is the bees knees with its lack of rules and regulations, dos and donts. We came here because my wife wanted to become a teacher and we thought this was a good idea to start, we have always been united in our love of England but she now seems to think that England is a bit of a dump.
Ach well, I'll be alright really but some days are so hard, I do not know what to do.
Oct 13th 2010, 6:35 am
#50
The Kwisatz Haderach
Joined: Aug 2008
Location: North Wales
Posts: 8,080
Re: Telling the OH that I am not happy
This is indeed one of the hardest aspects of moving abroad, this being stuck between wanting to live somewhere and wanting to be with someone and when those two do not compute, then there is a massive problem.
I am currently goig through a small hell and I can honestly say, I did not expect this when we moved here. To make a very long story very short, my wife and I met in Reading, Berkshire in 1998 and married in 1999, for me, a Swede having recently moved to the UK to settle there, that was a sure way of staying. Did not turn out that way. My wife has family in Belgium and in 2000, we moved there with our new baby. I thought I could make a go of things but without the languages, that was not to be. I became a stay-at-home dad and helping out with the financial side of the family business. In 2005, I decided to try to get a job in England which I did but by now we had three kids and it was hard living in England and with the family in Belgium, a house in England big enough for all of us was out of the question and so, we decided to do a very crazy thing, we sold our house in Belgium and bought a farm in Sweden, my native country. It took us four years and a lot of cash to one, end up pretty much bankrupt and two, realise we bought loath Sweden even though we made some great friends. So, at 34 and 33 and with five kids aged 11-0, we decided that we had one final chance of making a go of things and my wife, who all this time has worked as a freelance translator and hated it but earnt a lot of money which was necessary.
My wife was a teacher before we met and loved it and so, she decided to try again and applied for jobs in the UK, With no QTS, she did not get many replies but then saw a job in Kenya at a boarding school, we saw this as a chance of getting her a job, the kids a good education and a bit of an adventure. Well, she got the job and I remember the day very well, I screamed of joy, I was so happy. At that time, it was -20 degrees outside and a meter of snow in Sweden, and dark all the time (I hate snow). Also, our financial problems had gone from bad to worse and I lay awake at night worrying when the bailiff would come. We left Sweden in August, having not sold our house as planned and not paid off our debts as planned but still, thinking that Kenya would be good.
Well, we are here now and we still have not sold the house and in fact are now being forced to sell below the mortgage by the bank (fair enough) but i have to say, I find life a living hell. I wake up every morning sad and go to bed sad. Sure, I have aboslutely no real reason to complain. I have five wonderful kids, I have a wonderful wife and we have our meals cooked for us, a cleaning lady for the house and clothes, a nanny, a gardener. I used to drive 30-40k miles every year in Sweden just to school and the shops, here I hardly ever have to drive.
But I feel so trapped here. We live on the school compound and my wife works ALL the time. This is a couple who spent almost every woken minute together for over ten years, both working from home. Now, my wife leaves in the morning for work (a 1 minute comute) and comes back at 7 in the evening and then has to do her lesson planning for the next day. Now I completely support her, she wants to be a teacher and needs to do this, I understand that and will help her. The three older kids board (in houses 1 minute away) so we never see them but I am with the two smallest ones (4 and 2) and no, I am not good with little kids who spill milk and make a mess. From 8 am to 4 pm, we have a nanny to help and then I work, trying to earn money to pay off our hugh debts in Sweden, over £40k and to save up so we can buy a house in the UK and send the kids to secondary school in the UK.
But the thing is, I feel so extremely trapped. I basically live at her work, and all the adults here are her colleauges so if I go for a coffee in the staff room, they talk about work, of course they do, nothing wrong with that, but I am not one of them. Sometimes I am asked to leave as they are having a meeting about kids, including mine. I understand why but it feels so isolating. We were told that we could eat dinner with the staff, but the kids are not allowed into the staff room and we are not allowed to bring food back to our house so we have to sit outside, but this is the rainy season. So, dinner has gone from a nice evening meal with all the family to me and the two babies having sandwiches, at a time in the day when they are about to collapse. Life in Kenya is all about sports, for the whites anyway, and I do not like sports, and even if I did, I have the kids to look after and I have to work and we have no money.
When I left school at 18, I suffered from deep depression, so deep I contemplated suicide. I feel the same way now. It is so horrible, I really sometimes do not know what to do.
But, I have to soldier on and most of the time, it is ok, sometimes it is great and then I am down again. I am sure many of you here know the feeling. But I have a plan, I am going to do a second degree and get a qualification and then, in three years, when our oldest needs to leave this school and start GCSE, I am leaving with him to the UK. That is the only way and I have between now and then to get my degree and pay off our debts. I hate it, hate it, hate it but I am surrounded by people (local Africans) who have little choice in life so I should not complain, but at the same time, for the last five weeks, I have been close to tears at least once every day and one evening, I did in fact burst into tears outside the school chapel.
It is hard and sometimes life throws you around in ways you did not expect. What I fear the most is that my wife really likes it here, she thinks Kenya is great but I think it is ugly. There is dirt everywhere, they burn plastic on the streets and the traffic is chaos, there is no architecture at all, none and no history, no museums, no plays etc. I do not quite understand because my wife did medival history and loved living in Belgium because of all the history and culture. I am a white European and do not belong here and I fear that she thinks this place is the bees knees with its lack of rules and regulations, dos and donts. We came here because my wife wanted to become a teacher and we thought this was a good idea to start, we have always been united in our love of England but she now seems to think that England is a bit of a dump.
Ach well, I'll be alright really but some days are so hard, I do not know what to do.
I am currently goig through a small hell and I can honestly say, I did not expect this when we moved here. To make a very long story very short, my wife and I met in Reading, Berkshire in 1998 and married in 1999, for me, a Swede having recently moved to the UK to settle there, that was a sure way of staying. Did not turn out that way. My wife has family in Belgium and in 2000, we moved there with our new baby. I thought I could make a go of things but without the languages, that was not to be. I became a stay-at-home dad and helping out with the financial side of the family business. In 2005, I decided to try to get a job in England which I did but by now we had three kids and it was hard living in England and with the family in Belgium, a house in England big enough for all of us was out of the question and so, we decided to do a very crazy thing, we sold our house in Belgium and bought a farm in Sweden, my native country. It took us four years and a lot of cash to one, end up pretty much bankrupt and two, realise we bought loath Sweden even though we made some great friends. So, at 34 and 33 and with five kids aged 11-0, we decided that we had one final chance of making a go of things and my wife, who all this time has worked as a freelance translator and hated it but earnt a lot of money which was necessary.
My wife was a teacher before we met and loved it and so, she decided to try again and applied for jobs in the UK, With no QTS, she did not get many replies but then saw a job in Kenya at a boarding school, we saw this as a chance of getting her a job, the kids a good education and a bit of an adventure. Well, she got the job and I remember the day very well, I screamed of joy, I was so happy. At that time, it was -20 degrees outside and a meter of snow in Sweden, and dark all the time (I hate snow). Also, our financial problems had gone from bad to worse and I lay awake at night worrying when the bailiff would come. We left Sweden in August, having not sold our house as planned and not paid off our debts as planned but still, thinking that Kenya would be good.
Well, we are here now and we still have not sold the house and in fact are now being forced to sell below the mortgage by the bank (fair enough) but i have to say, I find life a living hell. I wake up every morning sad and go to bed sad. Sure, I have aboslutely no real reason to complain. I have five wonderful kids, I have a wonderful wife and we have our meals cooked for us, a cleaning lady for the house and clothes, a nanny, a gardener. I used to drive 30-40k miles every year in Sweden just to school and the shops, here I hardly ever have to drive.
But I feel so trapped here. We live on the school compound and my wife works ALL the time. This is a couple who spent almost every woken minute together for over ten years, both working from home. Now, my wife leaves in the morning for work (a 1 minute comute) and comes back at 7 in the evening and then has to do her lesson planning for the next day. Now I completely support her, she wants to be a teacher and needs to do this, I understand that and will help her. The three older kids board (in houses 1 minute away) so we never see them but I am with the two smallest ones (4 and 2) and no, I am not good with little kids who spill milk and make a mess. From 8 am to 4 pm, we have a nanny to help and then I work, trying to earn money to pay off our hugh debts in Sweden, over £40k and to save up so we can buy a house in the UK and send the kids to secondary school in the UK.
But the thing is, I feel so extremely trapped. I basically live at her work, and all the adults here are her colleauges so if I go for a coffee in the staff room, they talk about work, of course they do, nothing wrong with that, but I am not one of them. Sometimes I am asked to leave as they are having a meeting about kids, including mine. I understand why but it feels so isolating. We were told that we could eat dinner with the staff, but the kids are not allowed into the staff room and we are not allowed to bring food back to our house so we have to sit outside, but this is the rainy season. So, dinner has gone from a nice evening meal with all the family to me and the two babies having sandwiches, at a time in the day when they are about to collapse. Life in Kenya is all about sports, for the whites anyway, and I do not like sports, and even if I did, I have the kids to look after and I have to work and we have no money.
When I left school at 18, I suffered from deep depression, so deep I contemplated suicide. I feel the same way now. It is so horrible, I really sometimes do not know what to do.
But, I have to soldier on and most of the time, it is ok, sometimes it is great and then I am down again. I am sure many of you here know the feeling. But I have a plan, I am going to do a second degree and get a qualification and then, in three years, when our oldest needs to leave this school and start GCSE, I am leaving with him to the UK. That is the only way and I have between now and then to get my degree and pay off our debts. I hate it, hate it, hate it but I am surrounded by people (local Africans) who have little choice in life so I should not complain, but at the same time, for the last five weeks, I have been close to tears at least once every day and one evening, I did in fact burst into tears outside the school chapel.
It is hard and sometimes life throws you around in ways you did not expect. What I fear the most is that my wife really likes it here, she thinks Kenya is great but I think it is ugly. There is dirt everywhere, they burn plastic on the streets and the traffic is chaos, there is no architecture at all, none and no history, no museums, no plays etc. I do not quite understand because my wife did medival history and loved living in Belgium because of all the history and culture. I am a white European and do not belong here and I fear that she thinks this place is the bees knees with its lack of rules and regulations, dos and donts. We came here because my wife wanted to become a teacher and we thought this was a good idea to start, we have always been united in our love of England but she now seems to think that England is a bit of a dump.
Ach well, I'll be alright really but some days are so hard, I do not know what to do.
I'm really hoping you find a way to move everyone back either to Belgium or UK, moving with one child seems so sad too, it splits the family.
Be strong and come back and have a whine, we'll listen.
Oct 13th 2010, 6:52 am
#51
Forum Regular
Joined: Sep 2010
Location: Rift Valley, Kenya
Posts: 68
Re: Telling the OH that I am not happy
Have you even told your wife how depressed you have become? I can't imagine my Dh feeling so bad and me not noticing or asking what is wrong. But I suppose with long work hours she doesn't see too much.
I'm really hoping you find a way to move everyone back either to Belgium or UK, moving with one child seems so sad too, it splits the family.
Be strong and come back and have a whine, we'll listen.
I'm really hoping you find a way to move everyone back either to Belgium or UK, moving with one child seems so sad too, it splits the family.
Be strong and come back and have a whine, we'll listen.
Oh she knows. I have already told her that her staying here forever means our marriage is over, that did not go down too well but I think she is coming round to the idea that we are not going to be here forever. She can see the old people who now can't go back and she does not want that.
We can't move back right now, we got CCJs in the UK due to our business collapsing in Sweden due to the crisis but we will.
The thing with the kids and splitting the family is that we have taken our oldest kids out of school in Belgium into school in Sweden and then into school here in Kenya (but it is a British school really) and they are suffering from it, they cannot spell English or read it, for example. So they need to stay here now. In three years, our oldest is going to England anyway somehow, so I suspect it will be better if I go along and get a decent job earning some money then stay here and have a twelve-year old alonge in England. The parents here who have sent their kids to England spend more on plain tickets and phone bills than on school fees.
I think my post was a bit of a letting off steam. I saw the other ones about partners etc and felt so sad, but I suspect in the end, my wife will come round to the idea of going back because she does love England.
Oct 13th 2010, 7:03 am
#52
Forum Regular
Joined: Sep 2010
Location: Rift Valley, Kenya
Posts: 68
Re: Telling the OH that I am not happy
If you think my posts are up and down, back and forth, that is because that is how my head is right now. But I think many of you know this.
Oct 13th 2010, 7:06 pm
#53
Just Joined
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 26
Re: Telling the OH that I am not happy
How sad George to read your post. I really hope that things work out for you and I really understand where you are coming from Joining and sharing our thoughts on here is great and it is a fantastic way to 'offload' and there is usually someone here to help and advise.
I think it is a brilliant idea that you are studying to get a degree and then return to the Uk at least you have a plan which is important.
I wish you all the best and if you ever need to 'talk' we are here to listen.
Joining and sharing our thoughts on here is great and it is a fantastic way to 'offload' and there is usually someone here to help and advise.I think it is a brilliant idea that you are studying to get a degree and then return to the Uk at least you have a plan which is important.
I wish you all the best and if you ever need to 'talk' we are here to listen.
Oct 13th 2010, 9:20 pm
#54
Forum Regular
Joined: Sep 2010
Location: Rift Valley, Kenya
Posts: 68
Re: Telling the OH that I am not happy
Thank you debbydebs. I have to remind myself though, that my first night in the UK back in 1996, having left my mother's house to move abroad, I cried myself to sleep, I was so scared, and when we moved to Sweden from Belgium in February of 2006, I also cried loads just feeling so lonely. It takes time to adapt.
I can also be happy, if anyone wonders, and positive..
I can also be happy, if anyone wonders, and positive..
Oct 13th 2010, 10:04 pm
#55
Forum Regular
Joined: May 2010
Location: Crete, Greece
Posts: 115
Re: Telling the OH that I am not happy
Im sorry things are rough - good luck.
Oct 14th 2010, 5:37 am
#56
Forum Regular
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 120
Re: Telling the OH that I am not happy
This is indeed one of the hardest aspects of moving abroad, this being stuck between wanting to live somewhere and wanting to be with someone and when those two do not compute, then there is a massive problem.
I am currently goig through a small hell and I can honestly say, I did not expect this when we moved here. To make a very long story very short, my wife and I met in Reading, Berkshire in 1998 and married in 1999, for me, a Swede having recently moved to the UK to settle there, that was a sure way of staying. Did not turn out that way. My wife has family in Belgium and in 2000, we moved there with our new baby. I thought I could make a go of things but without the languages, that was not to be. I became a stay-at-home dad and helping out with the financial side of the family business. In 2005, I decided to try to get a job in England which I did but by now we had three kids and it was hard living in England and with the family in Belgium, a house in England big enough for all of us was out of the question and so, we decided to do a very crazy thing, we sold our house in Belgium and bought a farm in Sweden, my native country. It took us four years and a lot of cash to one, end up pretty much bankrupt and two, realise we bought loath Sweden even though we made some great friends. So, at 34 and 33 and with five kids aged 11-0, we decided that we had one final chance of making a go of things and my wife, who all this time has worked as a freelance translator and hated it but earnt a lot of money which was necessary.
My wife was a teacher before we met and loved it and so, she decided to try again and applied for jobs in the UK, With no QTS, she did not get many replies but then saw a job in Kenya at a boarding school, we saw this as a chance of getting her a job, the kids a good education and a bit of an adventure. Well, she got the job and I remember the day very well, I screamed of joy, I was so happy. At that time, it was -20 degrees outside and a meter of snow in Sweden, and dark all the time (I hate snow). Also, our financial problems had gone from bad to worse and I lay awake at night worrying when the bailiff would come. We left Sweden in August, having not sold our house as planned and not paid off our debts as planned but still, thinking that Kenya would be good.
Well, we are here now and we still have not sold the house and in fact are now being forced to sell below the mortgage by the bank (fair enough) but i have to say, I find life a living hell. I wake up every morning sad and go to bed sad. Sure, I have aboslutely no real reason to complain. I have five wonderful kids, I have a wonderful wife and we have our meals cooked for us, a cleaning lady for the house and clothes, a nanny, a gardener. I used to drive 30-40k miles every year in Sweden just to school and the shops, here I hardly ever have to drive.
But I feel so trapped here. We live on the school compound and my wife works ALL the time. This is a couple who spent almost every woken minute together for over ten years, both working from home. Now, my wife leaves in the morning for work (a 1 minute comute) and comes back at 7 in the evening and then has to do her lesson planning for the next day. Now I completely support her, she wants to be a teacher and needs to do this, I understand that and will help her. The three older kids board (in houses 1 minute away) so we never see them but I am with the two smallest ones (4 and 2) and no, I am not good with little kids who spill milk and make a mess. From 8 am to 4 pm, we have a nanny to help and then I work, trying to earn money to pay off our hugh debts in Sweden, over £40k and to save up so we can buy a house in the UK and send the kids to secondary school in the UK.
But the thing is, I feel so extremely trapped. I basically live at her work, and all the adults here are her colleauges so if I go for a coffee in the staff room, they talk about work, of course they do, nothing wrong with that, but I am not one of them. Sometimes I am asked to leave as they are having a meeting about kids, including mine. I understand why but it feels so isolating. We were told that we could eat dinner with the staff, but the kids are not allowed into the staff room and we are not allowed to bring food back to our house so we have to sit outside, but this is the rainy season. So, dinner has gone from a nice evening meal with all the family to me and the two babies having sandwiches, at a time in the day when they are about to collapse. Life in Kenya is all about sports, for the whites anyway, and I do not like sports, and even if I did, I have the kids to look after and I have to work and we have no money.
When I left school at 18, I suffered from deep depression, so deep I contemplated suicide. I feel the same way now. It is so horrible, I really sometimes do not know what to do.
But, I have to soldier on and most of the time, it is ok, sometimes it is great and then I am down again. I am sure many of you here know the feeling. But I have a plan, I am going to do a second degree and get a qualification and then, in three years, when our oldest needs to leave this school and start GCSE, I am leaving with him to the UK. That is the only way and I have between now and then to get my degree and pay off our debts. I hate it, hate it, hate it but I am surrounded by people (local Africans) who have little choice in life so I should not complain, but at the same time, for the last five weeks, I have been close to tears at least once every day and one evening, I did in fact burst into tears outside the school chapel.
It is hard and sometimes life throws you around in ways you did not expect. What I fear the most is that my wife really likes it here, she thinks Kenya is great but I think it is ugly. There is dirt everywhere, they burn plastic on the streets and the traffic is chaos, there is no architecture at all, none and no history, no museums, no plays etc. I do not quite understand because my wife did medival history and loved living in Belgium because of all the history and culture. I am a white European and do not belong here and I fear that she thinks this place is the bees knees with its lack of rules and regulations, dos and donts. We came here because my wife wanted to become a teacher and we thought this was a good idea to start, we have always been united in our love of England but she now seems to think that England is a bit of a dump.
Ach well, I'll be alright really but some days are so hard, I do not know what to do.
I am currently goig through a small hell and I can honestly say, I did not expect this when we moved here. To make a very long story very short, my wife and I met in Reading, Berkshire in 1998 and married in 1999, for me, a Swede having recently moved to the UK to settle there, that was a sure way of staying. Did not turn out that way. My wife has family in Belgium and in 2000, we moved there with our new baby. I thought I could make a go of things but without the languages, that was not to be. I became a stay-at-home dad and helping out with the financial side of the family business. In 2005, I decided to try to get a job in England which I did but by now we had three kids and it was hard living in England and with the family in Belgium, a house in England big enough for all of us was out of the question and so, we decided to do a very crazy thing, we sold our house in Belgium and bought a farm in Sweden, my native country. It took us four years and a lot of cash to one, end up pretty much bankrupt and two, realise we bought loath Sweden even though we made some great friends. So, at 34 and 33 and with five kids aged 11-0, we decided that we had one final chance of making a go of things and my wife, who all this time has worked as a freelance translator and hated it but earnt a lot of money which was necessary.
My wife was a teacher before we met and loved it and so, she decided to try again and applied for jobs in the UK, With no QTS, she did not get many replies but then saw a job in Kenya at a boarding school, we saw this as a chance of getting her a job, the kids a good education and a bit of an adventure. Well, she got the job and I remember the day very well, I screamed of joy, I was so happy. At that time, it was -20 degrees outside and a meter of snow in Sweden, and dark all the time (I hate snow). Also, our financial problems had gone from bad to worse and I lay awake at night worrying when the bailiff would come. We left Sweden in August, having not sold our house as planned and not paid off our debts as planned but still, thinking that Kenya would be good.
Well, we are here now and we still have not sold the house and in fact are now being forced to sell below the mortgage by the bank (fair enough) but i have to say, I find life a living hell. I wake up every morning sad and go to bed sad. Sure, I have aboslutely no real reason to complain. I have five wonderful kids, I have a wonderful wife and we have our meals cooked for us, a cleaning lady for the house and clothes, a nanny, a gardener. I used to drive 30-40k miles every year in Sweden just to school and the shops, here I hardly ever have to drive.
But I feel so trapped here. We live on the school compound and my wife works ALL the time. This is a couple who spent almost every woken minute together for over ten years, both working from home. Now, my wife leaves in the morning for work (a 1 minute comute) and comes back at 7 in the evening and then has to do her lesson planning for the next day. Now I completely support her, she wants to be a teacher and needs to do this, I understand that and will help her. The three older kids board (in houses 1 minute away) so we never see them but I am with the two smallest ones (4 and 2) and no, I am not good with little kids who spill milk and make a mess. From 8 am to 4 pm, we have a nanny to help and then I work, trying to earn money to pay off our hugh debts in Sweden, over £40k and to save up so we can buy a house in the UK and send the kids to secondary school in the UK.
But the thing is, I feel so extremely trapped. I basically live at her work, and all the adults here are her colleauges so if I go for a coffee in the staff room, they talk about work, of course they do, nothing wrong with that, but I am not one of them. Sometimes I am asked to leave as they are having a meeting about kids, including mine. I understand why but it feels so isolating. We were told that we could eat dinner with the staff, but the kids are not allowed into the staff room and we are not allowed to bring food back to our house so we have to sit outside, but this is the rainy season. So, dinner has gone from a nice evening meal with all the family to me and the two babies having sandwiches, at a time in the day when they are about to collapse. Life in Kenya is all about sports, for the whites anyway, and I do not like sports, and even if I did, I have the kids to look after and I have to work and we have no money.
When I left school at 18, I suffered from deep depression, so deep I contemplated suicide. I feel the same way now. It is so horrible, I really sometimes do not know what to do.
But, I have to soldier on and most of the time, it is ok, sometimes it is great and then I am down again. I am sure many of you here know the feeling. But I have a plan, I am going to do a second degree and get a qualification and then, in three years, when our oldest needs to leave this school and start GCSE, I am leaving with him to the UK. That is the only way and I have between now and then to get my degree and pay off our debts. I hate it, hate it, hate it but I am surrounded by people (local Africans) who have little choice in life so I should not complain, but at the same time, for the last five weeks, I have been close to tears at least once every day and one evening, I did in fact burst into tears outside the school chapel.
It is hard and sometimes life throws you around in ways you did not expect. What I fear the most is that my wife really likes it here, she thinks Kenya is great but I think it is ugly. There is dirt everywhere, they burn plastic on the streets and the traffic is chaos, there is no architecture at all, none and no history, no museums, no plays etc. I do not quite understand because my wife did medival history and loved living in Belgium because of all the history and culture. I am a white European and do not belong here and I fear that she thinks this place is the bees knees with its lack of rules and regulations, dos and donts. We came here because my wife wanted to become a teacher and we thought this was a good idea to start, we have always been united in our love of England but she now seems to think that England is a bit of a dump.
Ach well, I'll be alright really but some days are so hard, I do not know what to do.
When you are feeling as low as you seem to be it really colours every aspect of your life but as I'm sure you are aware it won't last and if having an escape plan helps you get through the here and now then I think that will help.
I feel for you and wish I could offer more practical advice but as Mummy says you can always come on here and vent with people who get it.
Oct 14th 2010, 6:14 am
#57
Forum Regular
Joined: Sep 2010
Location: Rift Valley, Kenya
Posts: 68
Re: Telling the OH that I am not happy
When you are feeling as low as you seem to be it really colours every aspect of your life but as I'm sure you are aware it won't last and if having an escape plan helps you get through the here and now then I think that will help. I feel for you and wish I could offer more practical advice but as Mummy says you can always come on here and vent with people who get it.
Thank you for your kind words. I have been very down and I think that there are many reasons for this, but yes, being stuck at home with the kids is one of them. I will really try to make the best of my time here and take one day at a time.
Oct 14th 2010, 6:58 am
#58
Just Joined
Thread Starter
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 12
Re: Telling the OH that I am not happy
I started this thread so I guess I should keep you updated, I have kept quiet since my wife discovered it was me as I did not think a public forum was the place for what is essentially a private family discussion. My wife has reluctantly agreed to return to the UK next summer after the kids have finished school. I dont think she will ever forgive me but I have absolutely no choice as staying here is affecting my health both physically and mentally. I have never in my whole life been as miserable and unhappy as I am now and I so much wanted to come here as I was becoming so disillusioned with life in the UK, now all I want is to get back and put this nightmare behind me.
I just hope this will not affect my marriage, me and my wife are so very close and we love each other so much. This is the only issue where we are completely and utterly opposed in opinion. My biggest fear now is that she changes her mind and refuses to budge, our eldest daughter (not mine biologically) is likely to remain and I think this is what my wife is fearing the most but when we came here I had to leave my eldest child (from a previous marriage) behind for 2 years, so she will experience what I had to and I know that is a hard thing to live with. My eldest child is here with me but is applying to UK universities for next year, I just cannot and I will not be separated again.
If anyone is reading this who are thinking of making the move over here please read my story, we were totally committed to starting a new life out here it was me and the wives dream that turned into my nightmare alone. I do regret coming I'm afraid, but that is knowledge in hindsight, I have a feeling my nightmare is just beginning. The only thing I know with absolute certainty is that my future is NOT in Canada.
Best regards
I just hope this will not affect my marriage, me and my wife are so very close and we love each other so much. This is the only issue where we are completely and utterly opposed in opinion. My biggest fear now is that she changes her mind and refuses to budge, our eldest daughter (not mine biologically) is likely to remain and I think this is what my wife is fearing the most but when we came here I had to leave my eldest child (from a previous marriage) behind for 2 years, so she will experience what I had to and I know that is a hard thing to live with. My eldest child is here with me but is applying to UK universities for next year, I just cannot and I will not be separated again.
If anyone is reading this who are thinking of making the move over here please read my story, we were totally committed to starting a new life out here it was me and the wives dream that turned into my nightmare alone. I do regret coming I'm afraid, but that is knowledge in hindsight, I have a feeling my nightmare is just beginning. The only thing I know with absolute certainty is that my future is NOT in Canada.
Best regards
Oct 14th 2010, 8:42 am
#59
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jun 2008
Location: oakville ON
Posts: 350
Re: Telling the OH that I am not happy
I started this thread so I guess I should keep you updated, I have kept quiet since my wife discovered it was me as I did not think a public forum was the place for what is essentially a private family discussion. My wife has reluctantly agreed to return to the UK next summer after the kids have finished school. I dont think she will ever forgive me but I have absolutely no choice as staying here is affecting my health both physically and mentally. I have never in my whole life been as miserable and unhappy as I am now and I so much wanted to come here as I was becoming so disillusioned with life in the UK, now all I want is to get back and put this nightmare behind me.
I just hope this will not affect my marriage, me and my wife are so very close and we love each other so much. This is the only issue where we are completely and utterly opposed in opinion. My biggest fear now is that she changes her mind and refuses to budge, our eldest daughter (not mine biologically) is likely to remain and I think this is what my wife is fearing the most but when we came here I had to leave my eldest child (from a previous marriage) behind for 2 years, so she will experience what I had to and I know that is a hard thing to live with. My eldest child is here with me but is applying to UK universities for next year, I just cannot and I will not be separated again.
If anyone is reading this who are thinking of making the move over here please read my story, we were totally committed to starting a new life out here it was me and the wives dream that turned into my nightmare alone. I do regret coming I'm afraid, but that is knowledge in hindsight, I have a feeling my nightmare is just beginning. The only thing I know with absolute certainty is that my future is NOT in Canada.
Best regards
I just hope this will not affect my marriage, me and my wife are so very close and we love each other so much. This is the only issue where we are completely and utterly opposed in opinion. My biggest fear now is that she changes her mind and refuses to budge, our eldest daughter (not mine biologically) is likely to remain and I think this is what my wife is fearing the most but when we came here I had to leave my eldest child (from a previous marriage) behind for 2 years, so she will experience what I had to and I know that is a hard thing to live with. My eldest child is here with me but is applying to UK universities for next year, I just cannot and I will not be separated again.
If anyone is reading this who are thinking of making the move over here please read my story, we were totally committed to starting a new life out here it was me and the wives dream that turned into my nightmare alone. I do regret coming I'm afraid, but that is knowledge in hindsight, I have a feeling my nightmare is just beginning. The only thing I know with absolute certainty is that my future is NOT in Canada.
Best regards
i am glad things have managed to get a bit more resolved. Hopefully in time, your wife will see the old you back in the UK. I'm sure in time, your wife will forgive you, you don't want any resentment building up. My mum and dad have that now. She was Canadian he's british. They lived out here and he couldn't hack it anymore and took her and 2 little ones back to the UK. She always resented him for that and now they live in a marrige full of dislike, blame, etc. Not worth it in my book. V.sad.
I'm desp to get back now, i just want my kids back in their old school and having a life again. I'm a stay at home mum with an 8,5 and 4yr old and find it very isolating and dull here. Its weird, i'm def not my old self.
In fact an old friend bumped into my sis the other day in the UK and made a remark about me seeming to always full of life and energy - if she could see me now, thats gone! Just take each day and get through it!
Good luck for the future and hope all goes well
Oct 14th 2010, 8:43 am
#60
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jun 2008
Location: oakville ON
Posts: 350
Re: Telling the OH that I am not happy
just out of interest sickbrit. Which part of Canada are you in?
