Mummy in the foothills

[QUOTE=walkerv05;8855327] Most of us who have that awful homesick feeling for a long while and also love our wives and husbands to death and don't want to disappoint them or the kids, will put on the brave face oscar winning style until things become so dire that we drop that bomb from a great height, I'm sorry this has come as such an awful shock to you, but he must share his feelings or end up either on xanax or at the local looney bin. No kidding the strength of the feelings really are that great. Waking daily with that horrible pit in your stomach week after week and sometimes year after year is awful. But we do it cause we don't want to hear that reaction you have just shown. Defensive and angry and betrayed.
My Dh had the same reaction, but we've talked the kids have talked and he knows we are moving sooner or later.
Don't be mad at him for feelings he can't control, be sympathetic even if you don't want to be, try and see where it's all coming from and be supportive of him. Or try at least.

pinkkristen

[QUOTE=walkerv05;8855327]
I feel awful for the both of you. Now he has been sussed and you know how's he's feeling, then its probably time you had complete heart to heart and got all things said.
I think this is one of the most difficult things about immigrating and one thats not warned about - a split in divide about countries and i understand both sides, which can lead to marridge problems.

My husband and I had a promise to each other that if either of us wasn't happy in their new country, we would move back. We will stick to that promise, the way i see it, is my life wasn't terrible where we came from, in fact pretty good. I need a happy husband, cos if he's a miserable sod for the rest of our lives then that will lead to resentment and anger anyway, and i'll boot him out

I understand everyones situation is different, but just try (both of you) to see it from both perspectives and try work something out from there.

I wish you luck.

Dorothy

Please don't take this the wrong way, but have you thought about seeing your GP for some help with your depression? I know the feeling of seeing nothing but how bad things are but with the help of medication, counselling sessions with a psychologist and finding a friend who listened to my feelings without judging I now see things much more clearly.

manamama

Oh my ... What a way to get things out into the open..

What a shock for the wife, to find out on the forum. But I hope that it has enabled you both to start talking. And not just by arguments (*although I do think they help myself initially).

The issue I see is that the husband is homesick and unless you have it, you have no idea how it effects you - both physically and mentally. I was awful and while I stay here my personality is severely affected.

I am sure after a while when the dust settles, you both can validate each others feeling and recognise that each person is entitled to react in a certain way. I think it is normal for the wife to be angry at this stage and probably thinks the husband is being selfish. I think homesickness does make you selfish..it's part of the symptoms. Not easy to live with a person who is selfish..I know I was an nightmare but my husband listened and cuddled and acknowledged my feelings, and it helped. Just having that emotional support is what was missing. If you hold your true feelings to yourself, your emotions will go unchecked and can cause such negative feelings that you can't overcome.

If you can get to that point where you can support each other emotionally and acknowledge that everyone is entitled to feeling the way they feel, it helps. Perhaps the husband has no support or anyone to talk to where he is and hankers for the support he used to get from his old pals or family. Maybe if he gets this emotional support, hopefully through his wife, he can get on with the life he has in Canada. It would help to get through the here and now anyway.

Failing that maybe a counsellor could help to unravel and support your feelings instead?

All the best to you both.,.I hope it works out and you get to a good place.

walkerv05

i love my house, i love my job , now, we are one big happy family at work that care about eachother, if i am invited out i go, on my days off i go out!, i talk to my family EVERYDAY on web cam, i make the most of the weather, the TV is not everything!, go fishing! you used to love that! we are in the fishing capital of the world!, dont just sit there and brood about stupid stuff, change it if it doesnt work, or go home for a while , i will cope! i am determind you will not bring me down. i am happy here., you forget how it was in the UK, i have had 15 years of shift work to live through. going to everything on my own as you where either in bed or at work, i hated that. we lived from paycheck to paycheck as well, i have always had to spin it out. these things are nothing new.
i really dont know what else to say .

Picnic

I'm not entirely comfortable seeing this argument played out on BE - wouldn't it be easier if you folks talked to each other?

expatasia

Not necessarily, as long as things do get thrashed out. Good luck to all concerned.

quoll

A public forum is probably not the place to have what is, essentially, a family discussion and perhaps a better forum would be in a relationships counselling session - it sounds like there is a real gulf here that isnt going to be breached with posts on a board.

I wish you both well - hopefully you can find some compromise in your situation - it sounds like one or other of you is going to be the sacrificial lamb if your relationship is worth saving and at the end of the day, it is the people in your life who will get you through not the place you live it in.

Being the trapped one myself I can relate to that dreadful feeling where you wake up in the morning and think "OMG I am still here" and almost cant wait for night so you can have the oblivion of sleep to help you through the next 12 hours. Living with that and putting on the brave face is incredibly wearing and sometimes you do think of all the other options which will end it all. I guess you have to work out which one of you can handle the discomfort better and what sort of compromise you can yield in the situation to make the other less desperate. I will say that it took me several years to make my feelings utterly clear - years of crying in the shower most mornings just so I could make it through the day. Getting it out in the open is almost as hard as making the decision because you dont want to hurt those you love.

Good luck to you both, look after each other and hopefully you can get both your lives where you want them to be.

thedudeabides

Hey sick brit,
Just read your post and wanted to say I feel for you mate.
I know exactly how you feel. We moved to The US 2 years ago and now I feel totally trapped. Where we live is lovely and the people are great, my daughter loves it here, but I have just not adapted at all.
Driving my wife mad as I have turned into a total misery. Our house is now on the market, but of course, right now I don't think we could give it away. I'm willing to take a financial hit, but my wife isn't. I respect that, she is the sensible one. My fear is that if in time UK house prices go up and the US economy tanks and the dollar goes down the karsi, then we're stuck here for good. Don't even get vacation time to go back home to UK, even if I had the cash, which I don't, because I currently earn $9 an hour, and am lucky to have that job. I hope you sort it out because I know that it becomes all consuming and I don't even recognise the person I am now.

pinkkristen

thats awful, i feel for you too. We too are in a crappy situation but having the advantage that we don't have a house to sell and we are both wanting to go home. Having said that, this is where we are earning money and don't know what will happen if we go back. All that said, i am determined to get us back, we are not us over here and need to go back to the Uk desperately.
I hope that you manage to get your life back on track.


Good luck.

LisaP

A bit of a sad thread.

One thing that we don't have a lot of on this forum is 'mixed' marriages, where the ex-pat is married to a local person abroad. Where I live, there have been many foreign wives married to greek men and I would say it mostly doesn't work out, because once the kids go to school here, the wives want to hot foot it back to their home countries for the better opportunites on offer, and the husbands don't always agree. So = strife, divorce, family separation, unhappy kids.

Good luck to everyone, especially those who are sad. For what it's worth, I think the most important thing, when you are a family, is to stay together.

debbydebs

[F][/FONT] I agree this is a sad thread and boy there are soooo many of us going through a very similar situation. I agree with LisaP that it is very important to stay together as a family, but I also know how difficult it is when you want to leave.
I am also going through my own dilemma, even though my hubby agrees that the best thing for all of us is to leave and go back to the UK, finding a job is almost impossible. I am more of a risk taker and would prefer us to set a timelimit and stick to it and then find a job when we get to the UK.
I know how some of you feel, as I feel more and more trapped here and I know that eventually it is going to have a bad affect on my marriage. I love my hubby and our daughter adores him. So my question is if hubby won't take the risk do I end up staying here and being miserable for the sake of our daughter?????
I wish you all the best of luck and hope you can agree on a decision that works for everyone.

sallysimmons

Perhaps he would take the risk if he understood that those are the options? He may be just thinking you'll muddle along and make the best of it, not realizing that he may be in danger of losing his family.

I wish everyone the best who is going through this. It's tough and there are no easy answers. If it was up to me, I'd be on a plane home tomorrow, but my husband needs time to come round to the idea, and also time to plan our exit. He is doing his best to completely change his view of how our lives were going to go, and I am respecting the time he needs to get there. It's hard though - I don't do patience very well

charleygirl

been through this for the past 13 years......am home in the UK now for 8 weeks vacation, just had to for my sanity......my children are in their late teens, and I have stayed in the US for them but having been home for 2 weeks I seriously think it is my time now and I just love being home. I am sure my marriage is over and it is all because he would not come back here all those years ago and I was not strong enough to insist, it took me 11 years to even get a good social life....and probably I am the happiest there in the US than I have ever been, but I want to be here in the UK, so to all the people out there who know where their heart is, sometimes you have to be ruthless and some how go for it.

paranoidandroid