fungled

Hi all,

Just found this forum, so thought I would sign up and at least air my thoughts on my current situation.

• I've lived abroad a few times; Asia in my 20s, now currently Germany (7 years)
• In the interim I was back in the UK, went back to university and spend a few years in London getting started in a new career
• I moved away again because... London. I was flat broke all the time, lived in a shared house, victim of crime a couple of times, made only a handful of long-term friends in all that time. It felt like I was getting little out of living there. Other than getting started in that new career, it was a miserable time for me and I was desperately looking for a better quality of life
• Took a job opportunity in Germany, and mostly achieved the quality of life improvements I wanted: wasn't poor, could get around, made a lot more friends.

However, I'm nearing my 40s now, and starting to get worried about my situation. I had really hoped that in the time I've been here I would've laid down some stronger/clearer roots. I learnt German reasonably well, by my general situation in an international company makes it harder to get significantly further. I'm reasonably socially functional, but overall I'm generally getting tired of being an ex-pat. Since I don't have an obvious future plan based around stable partner, family, etc. I wonder what the hell the next ten years have in store for me.

• Reasons to stay / things I would lose:
  • A decent group of friends
  • A stable job with a lot of flexibility, and hopefully a future (promotion etc.)
  • Very good saving potential - although in truth I have been thinking for a while I should "upgrade" a few things in my lifestyle
  • Generally pleasant/low stress lifestyle
  • It's still possible to buy property here
• Reasons to leave
  • Doubt on my current course: how will I feel being here in my 50s+?
  • Ex-pat lifestyle as shallow/lacking in permanence. Haven't been able to find a stable partner to build my own future around, etc.
  • I feel that time is passing me by and I have doubts about committing to living here "forever", since there is nothing forcing me to
  • I feel I'm too old to move to another "foreign" place; and I don't particularly want to, either. That would be just transporting myself to another situation
• Possible benefits of returning
  • I won't have to negotiate being something of an "outsider" anymore
  • Much greater scope to get involved in the local community (this would be nice)
  • Much greater scope to do something entirely different in the future? i.e. do something that's not a career
  • Easier to find a stable partner? Aside from that fewer question marks about the future, making it hard to make things work
  • My income is considerably better now, and I have enough saved for a property deposit
• Concerns about returning
  • Can I avoid living in London? In my industry there's significantly more work there. I've thought about moving to a smaller city, for example somewhere like Cambridge. At least I know people there (London), but it feels like just going back to the situation I escaped
  • Will I be able to make new friends? I suppose that with my greater willingness to get involved with things, this might be ok. Plus lack of language/cultural barriers
  • I suppose there's a question mark of Brexit, although it's unlikely I could relocate until early next year at the earliest; for one because I should wait out on a promotion chance at the end of the year

Thanks for reading. Perhaps someone has some ideas/input on that?

Cape Blue

I think the highlighted in red bits are the nitty-gritty.

If you had a partner in Germany I suspect all the other pros/cons that are driving your thoughts of a return to the UK would turn to dust.

Moses2013

Can't comment on UK too much these days, as I now live in Ireland but grew up in Germany. Most of these points could probably be found elsewhere and just depends on the person and location within the country. It really depends where you are in Germany and where you move to within the UK.

• Reasons to stay / things I would lose:
  • A decent group of friends
  • A stable job with a lot of flexibility, and hopefully a future (promotion etc.)
  • Very good saving potential - although in truth I have been thinking for a while I should "upgrade" a few things in my lifestyle
  • Generally pleasant/low stress lifestyle
  • It's still possible to buy property here

Most of my German friends would actually say that the above is what they didn't have in Germany.

fungled

It's certainly a huge one! Particularly from the point of view that I still have absolute 100% freedom over my life, but I'm burned out by this now; I'd love to have some constraints so that I'm not continually agonised about making huge decisions like this.

On the other hand, though, I'm tiring of a lifestyle that suited me quite well in my early 30s, and I need to start working towards something that will suit me in my 40s. Currently I feel stuck in a loop, and I already feel this wearing on me, and I need some change to make this better. The question is, what change? And how big should this change be? I could change something smaller, like just moving where I live, but I feel like this would just be a minor bandaid, and putting off the fact that I'm wasting time when I need to be building something that will suit me in the 2nd half of my life...

fungled

Well I think this is one of the major benefits of ex-pat lifestyle (to a certain extent); I felt like in London it was very hard to acquire new friends, because it seemed like people "guarded" their existing social circles. Ex-pat circles tend to be much more actively supportive.

Cape Blue

Find a bird/bloke, shack up, watch TV, pop out sprogs - it's what the other humans do.

SimonTam

Hello fungled,

Read your post half a dozen times and took a while to decide between minding my own business and giving a reply bordering on the patronising.

You lose I'm afraid. )

How about you do the things that make you happy?

The rest is Geography.

Either way, best wishes to you.

fungled

Not clear if this post is sarcasm or not! Regardless of whether or not I still end up taking that "normal" route, I've certainly reached a point in my life where I need something like that. One motivation for a UK return is to get more involved in community, if that's even possible anymore. I'm still somewhat young, but that won't last forever, so need to start thinking seriously about the next decades. I'd hoped that those would be a bit more obvious to me by now, but since they aren't, stuck with trying to work it out myself, which is awful!

Thanks for your reply

fungled

Hey, thanks for your message.

I wish, however, that I agreed with you. If everywhere were the same, with the same possibilities and limits, this would be true. However, I feel it's not. Since I didn't really achieve what I hoped to where I am now, I'm thinking about putting myself in a position for a different set of "Plan B" possibilities, and I'm just not feeling those are possible where I am now. A different set of possibilities were possible, but it didn't pan out like I hoped.

Something I read the other day that made me think; "Life isn't about how your Plan A works out, it's about how your Plan B does"...

Cape Blue

A little bit.

You've already decided you want to move back to Blighty, now you're trying to find reasons to justify it.

fungled

Moses2013

Sounds more like a midlife crisis to me. Unless you can change your way of thinking, it certainly won't get better and life is life. Brexit is clear and no job is ever secure, even after a promotion.
Some people have the problem that they don't think and you're problem is that you are thinking too much.

mica painter

I agree with the thinking too much part. Have you actively tried looking for a partner n Germany? It's not as easy to just meet someone in the Uk either, took me years ti find the right one. I think at least start taking some small action steps, that way you'll feel like you're more in control.
I would avoid going back to London. I have the same thoughts as you but there must be somewhere you could move back to that isn't as expensive or stressful, like Bristol or a place that is close to London? You probably need to live somewhere near to a support network of friends of family.
Are there any opportunities at all where you are to get involved in the community? Any other English people? I just think you should try every avenue there first before you decide.

spouse of scouse

Sounds like you have a lot going for you in Germany for now, and the being stuck feeling is mainly related to your worry about the future.

While you're earning decent money, have you thought about buying a property in the UK using the deposit you've saved for a place in Germany? Depending on the size of your deposit, and if you choose your property carefully, you could cover/almost cover the mortgage repayments through rental income. Having a property in the UK may alleviate the feeling that you're drifting and not making any plans for the future.

I don't know how easy it is to get a UK mortgage as an expat living in Germany, but it's something you could research. Choosing a location/s that would work for you while you were still working as well as after you retired, would be quite enjoyable I think!

Just an idea to get you thinking in a different direction, it may not be something you want to/can do, but I find that once I open my mind to different possibilities others follow. Best of luck to you.

fungled