Share a joke

Old Jun 7th 2007, 1:41 pm
  #16  
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Default Re: Share a joke

Originally Posted by lil_ol_wine_drinker_me
C'mon Rachel, am sure you can share a few!
I daren't, i would get banned!!!

Check out my PM.
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Old Jun 7th 2007, 1:49 pm
  #17  
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Default Re: Share a joke

Originally Posted by paulrachel
I daren't, i would get banned!!!

Check out my PM.
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom,
Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in
your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.This too
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly gets up, takes her
little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
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Old Jun 7th 2007, 4:20 pm
  #18  
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Default Re: Share a joke

Originally Posted by paulrachel
hey, that took me a while to get!!!

I'm a dumb blonde though.

thought it was something rather rude. But then again they're not that pink,,if you know what i mean
LOL No, strange colour......never quite match the other bits!


Anyway,
Had a REALLY bad day today. So now I can do a swear joke....

Mr Willy goes to see a psychairitrist.
"Whats up?" the Doctor asks
Well, its all gone wrong. Everyone calls me a Dick, My relatives are nuts, my neighbour's an ars@h@le and my best friend's a c@nt!

Last edited by chance to be; Jun 7th 2007 at 4:27 pm. Reason: missed a bit out
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Old Jun 8th 2007, 10:02 am
  #19  
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Default Re: Share a joke

Oh gee thanks for that, I havent laughed so much in years!

Di



Originally Posted by northernbird
Spring Classes for Men at
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ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, June 4, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
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Old Jun 8th 2007, 10:06 am
  #20  
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Default Re: Share a joke

Very good!


Originally Posted by Fleaflyfloflum
A couple goes out for a meal at a Chinese restaurant in the city and orders the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."





Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
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Old Jun 8th 2007, 10:08 am
  #21  
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Default Re: Share a joke

Ver good!

I really need one of those smilies with a hand over his mouth laughing!

Di



Originally Posted by lil_ol_wine_drinker_me
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom,
Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in
your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.This too
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly gets up, takes her
little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
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Old Jun 8th 2007, 5:24 pm
  #22  
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Default Re: Share a joke

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a

£10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the Irishman.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and
another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er.
Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash."£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman


(Wait for it...........scroll down.)










"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
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Old Jun 9th 2007, 1:00 am
  #23  
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Default Re: Share a joke

Originally Posted by lil_ol_wine_drinker_me
C'mon Rachel, am sure you can share a few!
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your
shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do
just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a
regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you
from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a
thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you
had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may
include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness,
loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth,
and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker,
Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
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Old Jun 9th 2007, 5:17 am
  #24  
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Default Re: Share a joke

Originally Posted by chance to be
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a

£10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the Irishman.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and
another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er.
Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash."£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman


(Wait for it...........scroll down.)










"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
excellent, like that one
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Old Jun 10th 2007, 11:36 am
  #25  
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Smile Re: Share a joke

A Kiwi washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a cheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clounds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and low and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful yound woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening ritual.

It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clounds, a warm and gentle breeze - a perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over the the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear:






Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?
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Old Jun 10th 2007, 2:20 pm
  #26  
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Default Re: Share a joke

Originally Posted by lil_ol_wine_drinker_me
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your
shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do
just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a
regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you
from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a
thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you
had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may
include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness,
loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth,
and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker,
Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Very good D!!
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Old Jun 14th 2007, 10:50 pm
  #27  
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Default Re: Share a joke

THE LITTLE FIREGIRL


A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
notices
a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung
off
the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled
by
her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how
to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar
too,
I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."
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Old Jun 14th 2007, 10:55 pm
  #28  
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Default Re: Share a joke

sorry couldnt post this one and fire engine together
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

'I should be in charge,' said the brain, 'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'
'I should be in charge,' said the blood , 'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'
'I should be in charge,' said the stomach, 'because I process food and give all of you energy.'
'I should be in charge,' said the legs, 'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'
'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, 'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'
'I should be in charge,' said the rectum, 'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
...
The Moral of the story?
The a** hole is usually in charge!
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Old Jun 15th 2007, 1:34 am
  #29  
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Default Re: Share a joke

Originally Posted by lollyno1
sorry couldnt post this one and fire engine together
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

'I should be in charge,' said the brain, 'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'
'I should be in charge,' said the blood , 'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'
'I should be in charge,' said the stomach, 'because I process food and give all of you energy.'
'I should be in charge,' said the legs, 'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'
'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, 'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'
'I should be in charge,' said the rectum, 'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
...
The Moral of the story?
The a** hole is usually in charge!
Aint that the truth! lol
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Old Jun 29th 2007, 6:36 am
  #30  
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Default Re: Share a joke

A three year old boy was examining his testicles whilst taking a bath.

Mum, he asked, "are these my brains?"

Mum answered..."not yet"
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