Share a joke

Old Jun 6th 2007, 11:51 am
  #1  
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Smile Share a joke

Sometimes I think we all need a good laugh, so share a joke.

Here's one to get started:-

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his

wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but

will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know

what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the clue.

"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's a f***ing arsehole!!"
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Old Jun 6th 2007, 1:22 pm
  #2  
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Default Re: Share a joke

Originally Posted by lil_ol_wine_drinker_me
Sometimes I think we all need a good laugh, so share a joke.

Here's one to get started:-

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his

wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but

will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know

what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the clue.

"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's a f***ing arsehole!!"
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Old Jun 6th 2007, 1:43 pm
  #3  
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Default Re: Share a joke

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These
are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, it
takes the prize.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I
was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if
this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected
sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the s*x was so good that
I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send
me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He
drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if he's
had it replaced.

5. I have never had s*x with a man. I am awaiting a letter from
the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is
Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me
that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and
right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies
look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with
him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro
Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I
remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the
evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the
party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after
all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
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Old Jun 6th 2007, 1:44 pm
  #4  
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Default Re: Share a joke

After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised, the woman decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says the man, frowning. "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
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Old Jun 6th 2007, 1:45 pm
  #5  
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Default Re: Share a joke

Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV &
Radio

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I
once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that
nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford
crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing
so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them . Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live'
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight
inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They seem
cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his
shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use
Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
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Old Jun 6th 2007, 2:02 pm
  #6  
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Default Re: Share a joke

A couple goes out for a meal at a Chinese restaurant in the city and orders the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."





Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"
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Old Jun 6th 2007, 2:33 pm
  #7  
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Default Re: Share a joke

Originally Posted by lil_ol_wine_drinker_me
Sometimes I think we all need a good laugh, so share a joke.

Here's one to get started:-

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his

wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but

will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know

what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the clue.

"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's a f***ing arsehole!!"

Ha, very funny Denise. I like it.
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Old Jun 6th 2007, 11:06 pm
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Default Re: Share a joke

There were 2 sausages in a frying pan and one says "God, its getting hot in here!"
And the other one says, "Bloody Hell - its a talking sausage!"



...And another from the 8yr old


Whats pink and hangs out yer pants?
Yer Mum
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Old Jun 7th 2007, 12:07 pm
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Default Re: Share a joke

Originally Posted by chance to be
There were 2 sausages in a frying pan and one says "God, its getting hot in here!"
And the other one says, "Bloody Hell - its a talking sausage!"



...And another from the 8yr old


Whats pink and hangs out yer pants?
Yer Mum
What is it then, please tell all
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Old Jun 7th 2007, 12:49 pm
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Default Re: Share a joke

Originally Posted by paulrachel
What is it then, please tell all
Your Mum, FOOL
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Old Jun 7th 2007, 12:56 pm
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Default Re: Share a joke

Originally Posted by chance to be
Your Mum, FOOL
hey, that took me a while to get!!!

I'm a dumb blonde though.

thought it was something rather rude. But then again they're not that pink,,if you know what i mean
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Old Jun 7th 2007, 1:16 pm
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Default Re: Share a joke

Rach should like this one (its all I can think of at the minute though sadly so apologies in advance! lol), its more of a rhyme than a joke!

There once was a man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of Seeds
In half an hour
His D*ck was a flower
And his balls had turned into weeds!

I know it was bad, sorry!!
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Old Jun 7th 2007, 1:21 pm
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Default Re: Share a joke

Originally Posted by wafc
Rach should like this one (its all I can think of at the minute though sadly so apologies in advance! lol), its more of a rhyme than a joke!

There once was a man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of Seeds
In half an hour
His D*ck was a flower
And his balls had turned into weeds!

I know it was bad, sorry!!
I had to laugh as it was so bad

I know loads of filthy jokes, much too rude to broadcast on here
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Old Jun 7th 2007, 1:27 pm
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Default Re: Share a joke

A bloke was found dead in a bowl of Museli.....

...they said he'd been dragged under by a strong currant!

--------------------------------------------------------------

An Ice cream man was found dead in the back of his van and covered in hundreds and thousands...

....they said he'd "topped himself"!


Right I'm off to hang my head in shame!!
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Old Jun 7th 2007, 1:39 pm
  #15  
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Default Re: Share a joke

Originally Posted by paulrachel
I had to laugh as it was so bad

I know loads of filthy jokes, much too rude to broadcast on here

C'mon Rachel, am sure you can share a few!
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