Originally Posted by lil_ol_wine_drinker_me (Post 4884520)

C'mon Rachel, am sure you can share a few! :rofl:

Originally Posted by paulrachel (Post 4884529)

I daren't, i would get banned!!!

Check out my PM.

Originally Posted by paulrachel (Post 4884345)

:blink:hey, that took me a while to get!!!

I'm a dumb blonde though.

thought it was something rather rude. But then again they're not that pink,,if you know what i mean:p

Originally Posted by northernbird (Post 4879851)

Spring Classes for Men at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, June 4, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon , 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Originally Posted by Fleaflyfloflum (Post 4880034)

A couple goes out for a meal at a Chinese restaurant in the city and orders the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."





Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

Originally Posted by lil_ol_wine_drinker_me (Post 4884579)

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom,
Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in
your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.This too
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly gets up, takes her
little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Originally Posted by lil_ol_wine_drinker_me (Post 4884520)

C'mon Rachel, am sure you can share a few! :rofl:

Originally Posted by chance to be (Post 4890436)

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a

£10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the Irishman.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and
another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er.
Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash."£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman


(Wait for it...........scroll down.)










"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

Originally Posted by lil_ol_wine_drinker_me (Post 4891667)

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your
shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do
just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a
regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you
from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a
thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you
had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may
include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness,
loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth,
and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker,
Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Originally Posted by lollyno1 (Post 4916102)

sorry couldnt post this one and fire engine together:confused:
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

'I should be in charge,' said the brain, 'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'
'I should be in charge,' said the blood , 'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'
'I should be in charge,' said the stomach, 'because I process food and give all of you energy.'
'I should be in charge,' said the legs, 'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'
'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, 'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'
'I should be in charge,' said the rectum, 'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
...
The Moral of the story?
The a** hole is usually in charge!