Share a joke
 

Sometimes I think we all need a good laugh, so share a joke.

Here's one to get started:-

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his

wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but

will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know

what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the clue.

"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's a f***ing arsehole!!"

Re: Share a joke
 

Spring Classes for Men at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, June 4, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon , 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Re: Share a joke
 

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These
are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, it
takes the prize.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I
was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if
this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected
sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the s*x was so good that
I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send
me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He
drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if he's
had it replaced.

5. I have never had s*x with a man. I am awaiting a letter from
the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is
Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me
that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and
right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies
look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with
him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro
Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I
remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the
evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the
party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after
all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Re: Share a joke
 

After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised, the woman decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says the man, frowning. "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

Re: Share a joke
 

Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV &
Radio

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I
once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that
nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford
crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing
so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them . Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live'
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight
inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They seem
cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his
shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use
Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Re: Share a joke
 

A couple goes out for a meal at a Chinese restaurant in the city and orders the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."





Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

Re: Share a joke
 

:rofl:
Ha, very funny Denise. I like it.

Re: Share a joke
 

There were 2 sausages in a frying pan and one says "God, its getting hot in here!"
And the other one says, "Bloody Hell - its a talking sausage!" :)



...And another from the 8yr old


Whats pink and hangs out yer pants?
Yer Mum:)

Re: Share a joke
 

What is it then, please tell all:lol:

Re: Share a joke
 

Your Mum, FOOL:)

Re: Share a joke
 

:blink:hey, that took me a while to get!!!

I'm a dumb blonde though.

thought it was something rather rude. But then again they're not that pink,,if you know what i mean:p

Re: Share a joke
 

Rach should like this one (its all I can think of at the minute though sadly so apologies in advance! lol), its more of a rhyme than a joke!

There once was a man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of Seeds
In half an hour
His D*ck was a flower
And his balls had turned into weeds!

I know it was bad, sorry!! :o

Re: Share a joke
 

I had to laugh as it was so bad:rofl::rofl:

I know loads of filthy jokes, much too rude to broadcast on here:p

Re: Share a joke
 

A bloke was found dead in a bowl of Museli.....

...they said he'd been dragged under by a strong currant!

--------------------------------------------------------------

An Ice cream man was found dead in the back of his van and covered in hundreds and thousands...

....they said he'd "topped himself"!


Right I'm off to hang my head in shame!! :o

Re: Share a joke
 

C'mon Rachel, am sure you can share a few! :rofl:

Re: Share a joke
 

I daren't, i would get banned!!!

Check out my PM.

Re: Share a joke
 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom,
Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in
your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.This too
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly gets up, takes her
little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Re: Share a joke
 

LOL:rofl: No, strange colour......never quite match the other bits!


Anyway,
Had a REALLY bad day today. So now I can do a swear joke....

Mr Willy goes to see a psychairitrist.
"Whats up?" the Doctor asks
Well, its all gone wrong. Everyone calls me a Dick, My relatives are nuts, my neighbour's an ars@h@le and my best friend's a c@nt!:lol:

Re: Share a joke
 

Oh gee thanks for that, I havent laughed so much in years!

Di
:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Re: Share a joke
 

Very good!:rofl::rofl:

Re: Share a joke
 

Ver good!

I really need one of those smilies with a hand over his mouth laughing!

Di
:D

Re: Share a joke
 

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a

£10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the Irishman.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and
another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er.
Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash."£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman


(Wait for it...........scroll down.)










"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

Re: Share a joke
 

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
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You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a
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from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a
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had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind
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loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth,
and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker,
Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Re: Share a joke
 

excellent, like that one :lol:

Re: Share a joke
 

A Kiwi washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a cheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clounds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and low and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful yound woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening ritual.

It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clounds, a warm and gentle breeze - a perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over the the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear:






Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

Re: Share a joke
 

Very good D!!:rofl:

Re: Share a joke
 

THE LITTLE FIREGIRL


A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
notices
a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung
off
the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled
by
her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how
to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar
too,
I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."

Re: Share a joke
 

sorry couldnt post this one and fire engine together:confused:
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

'I should be in charge,' said the brain, 'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'
'I should be in charge,' said the blood , 'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'
'I should be in charge,' said the stomach, 'because I process food and give all of you energy.'
'I should be in charge,' said the legs, 'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'
'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, 'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'
'I should be in charge,' said the rectum, 'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
...
The Moral of the story?
The a** hole is usually in charge!

Re: Share a joke
 

Aint that the truth! lol

Re: Share a joke
 

A three year old boy was examining his testicles whilst taking a bath.

Mum, he asked, "are these my brains?"

Mum answered..."not yet":lol: