Is it me?

Old Jul 18th 2007, 1:20 pm
  #1  
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Default Is it me?

A while ago, my brother lent me a book that complains about basically everything wrong with the world. It's written in a typical British style, full of sarcasm, and had me rolling on the floor with laughter. Now, I know that some people here have been missing Brit humor, so I thought I'd lend my own views on a few things I've observed throughout my life.

This post is not meant to hurt anyone and is all in jest, so if you're easily offended by the content, oh well, I warned you.

Free Newspapers

Why is it, in America, it’s illegal to litter? But when those people who deliver the free newspapers throw one on your front lawn 3 times a week, they don’t get arrested? One of these days, I’ll be waiting in the bushes, I’ll run over to the freshly delivered, crappy arse fodder they call a “publication” and throw it right at the delivery man’s head as he drives to the next house. Then we’ll see if he likes it, shall we?

Automated Messages

I truly hate automated messages with a passion. Whoever designed these things should be strung up with a telephone cable and left there to die. For example, when you want to pay your utility bill over the phone. “It’s fast, it’s convenient!” the utility in question screams. My arse. First of all, you don’t have your bill on you so you don’t know your account number or the amount due. Soooo, you try to type in your address or other identifying information. Ok, done that. “I’m sorry, the information you provided is invalid.” Ok, I’ll try again, maybe I typed a wrong digit or something. No big deal. “I’m sorry, the information you provided is invalid. Please dial 0 for an operator.” When you hit 0, you get, “For English, press 1, otherwise, please hold.” Okay, whatever, I’ll press 1.

You wait for half an hour listening to elevator music that wouldn't even keep a monkey entertained, and when someone finally does pick up, they ask for all your information, everything from your address to what colour undies you have on that day. Finally, they find your account. They tell you how much is due, when it’s due, blah, blah. THEN, get this….they tell you they personally can’t accept your payment over the phone, and they’ll have to transfer you to the………..AUTOMATED SYSTEM!!!!!!!!!!!! What’s with these lazy bastards in utility Customer Service? Do they actually do any work, or just sit there having a laugh at our expense while they do nothing but direct people to the automated system? They must have a bet on. See who can make an already frustrated customer catatonic by 4.30pm.

Gimp Drivers

I seem to have a lot of these where I live. Gimp drivers are people who somehow obtained a driver’s license at some point in their snail-paced lives. Yes, I love being stuck behind them. You see them pulling out of a side street, and you just know they’ll get in front of you no matter how much you floor your accelerator pedal. How do they even do that? They’re driving at 4mph, for God’s sake, and yet they still manage to weasel their way in. Then, when the lanes either side of you are blocked, and you can’t get out from behind them, you approach a traffic light that’s turning red. The gimp driver all of a sudden becomes a Grand Prix racer and speeds up to 70mph in 2 seconds to get through the light. Leaving you sitting there at a red light, swearing at them, knowing they can’t hear you, but it still feels better anyway.

Faux Celebrities

(Written at the time it was plastered all over the telly...) So Paris Hilton got arrested and charged with violating her probation from a previous drunk-driving charge. Apparently, she thinks she’s above the law, and she can drive around pissed as a fart, get her license suspended, and then claim that she wasn’t aware she’s not allowed to drive. Errrrr, isn’t that what suspended means? Her publicist told her that she CAN drive, but only for work purposes. Ok, so speeding down the road at night with no headlights on looking for a burger joint constitutes as “work”? Hell, give me a job there, then. To top it all off, her whiny hag of a mother claims the 45-day sentence her precious princess got was a joke. She’s just pissed off that her family couldn’t wave some green under the judge’s nose and buy her off. Some of the socialite’s fans are now petitioning to Arnie the Governator to pardon her, just cuz she brings hope and joy to their grey and mundane lives. Man, you people need to go and get a proper life if that’s what it takes to get you started in the morning.

Kevin Federline is another faux celebrity. He met some famous bird, dumped the mother of his children, rode on his new wife’s coattails, had more kids, is getting divorced, and then tries to suck his wife’s bank account dry, despite a pre-nup. He’s supposed to be a dancer, isn’t he? Did you see the footage of him and some guy trying to compete on one of those dancing machines? Ooooookay. That’s all I can say. Needless to say, he didn’t win.

Why are these people even considered celebrities? They fill up our telly screens all frigging day and night, and even overshadow important things like war, poverty, school shootings, etc. Yes, I really wanted to see some blond chick, who by the way, has done nothing to contribute to society except breathe oxygen that some well-deserving citizen could use, dance drunkenly on a table with no knickers on. That balances out what’s important in life, right?

Tom Cruise

What happened to him? He used to be normal. Now he’s not. That’s really all I have to say about that.

Commercial Breaks

Is it me, or are commercial breaks getting longer? I can’t count the amount of times I’ve settled down to watch a documentary or a film on telly, only to have it constantly interrupted by ridiculous adverts for products I would never buy even if my life depended on it. Sometimes they’ll even play the same commercial twice, one right after the other, just to really make sure you know what it is and where to buy it. And it’s getting worse. I timed it once. They played a movie for 6 minutes, and then put the adverts on. Yes, 6. Like that gives me enough time to get absorbed in what I’m watching to follow it properly. By the time the 4 minute commercial break is over, I’ve forgotten what happened, and have to hit rewind on the DVR so I can jog my memory. Movies are the worst for that. What would normally be a 2 hour film on your DVD player turns into a 4 hour epic, all because of the adverts in between the snippets of movie. Even then, they cut good parts out just so they can fit in more bloody commercials.

Shopping in Supermarkets

I have noticed that people become very self-absorbed and oblivious to others when shopping at the local supermarket. It’s like someone put blinkers on them. I’m not perfect, but when I shop, I like to see what’s going on all around me, so I always keep one eye to the side in case I need to move out of someone’s way. Not other people. No. A favourite trick is the “park-and-leave”. This is when the person in front of you suddenly gets drawn to something on the shelf like they’re caught in a tractor beam, stops abruptly, and leaves their trolley in the middle of the aisle. I used to tap my foot and sigh impatiently, hoping that they would break their trance and come back to move their trolley. That proved futile, so now I just ram it out of the way, wickedly hoping that it will hurtle toward them and clip their ankles, just to teach them a lesson.

Another move they like to pull, again, in a tractor beam induced stupor, is browse the shelf like they have all the time in the world for the annoying chore that is shopping. This itself does not bother me, but when they do it right where the product you’re looking for is located, it really ticks me off. You try to be polite, and shuffle toward them so as not to scare them (too much), and whisper, “Excuse me”, all the time looking directly at your product. I don’t know why I do this, it’s not like they’re telepathic, or even just plain old-fashioned considerate. They finally turn around and see you, so you suspect that they may move any second so you can reach the baked beans you’re trying to get at. They fooled you. They do not move. They just go right back to reading the ingredients on the flippin can of spuds they have in their hand. This forces you to pull several muscles you didn’t even know you had trying to stretch past them to get what you want. One day, I’m going to go for a 10 mile jog in 90 degree weather, go to the supermarket still in my track suit, find one of these people, and reach up past them to get something I don’t even need, just to get the satisfaction of assaulting their nostrils with a rank and sweaty armpit.
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Old Jul 18th 2007, 2:53 pm
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Default Re: Is it me?

haha hope you're feeling better after letting off all that steam....tks for giving me a laugh
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Old Jul 18th 2007, 4:55 pm
  #3  
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Default Re: Is it me?

My husband tests Automated Messages....sorry

But the supermarket things is spot on...
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Old Jul 19th 2007, 12:24 pm
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Default Re: Is it me?

I must admit I hate shopping when there are loads of people around, I tend to go when they're not even if it is early hours of the morning. Apart from supermarkets its how slow people amble through shopping malls, even worse when your're in a hurry. I hate crowds, Q's etc......okay I'm off to a desert island for some coconuts.
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