How to cry?
 

Hello All,

For the last two months I've been so homesick it's been untrue. I've been trying to tell myself to snap out of it and enjoy the sun and the open spaces and go and visit somewhere with the darling wife.

I can't snap out of it though. I just get this feeling that I'm wasting time and my life, sitting here. I miss my Mum, Dad, Brother, Sister, BIL, neice, nephew, etc. I want to be able to just sit down and watch the TV with them, have a cuppa, argue with my Dad over why he left the car on empty again, with my brother on what to watch on the TV. Drive my mum to work, have my niece and nephew over for the evening, fight with them about them playing Nintendo too much. Have my family get to know my wife and her, them, the way you can only do, by spending time with each other.

I want to be able to walk to the shops, catch a bus, watch the football, cricket and darts. I want to go to Sainsbury's and Tescos and buy Pork pies, sausages and bacon. I want to be able to complain that it's too cold and wet to go Christmas shopping. I want to be asked to look after the kids, while my sister and BIL go sales shopping and then laugh at my BIL for being dragged along. I want to be able to have the chance of running into someone I know in the street and stop and catchup.

My sister says don't bottle it up, but I sound like a broken record if I talk about it.

I want to go home, but worry about finding work. Here I have a stable, well paid job even though at the moment it's mind numbingly boring. I worry about moving back and then losing my green card. It was a struggle to get it and I feel that if I lose it now, I'll never be in the US for work again, what with it so difficult to get a H1 now. I've only had the GC a year.

My sister asked, what am I doing? I said waiting to get my citizenship and then I'll comeback. Her response was doens't that tell you something?

My wife sometimes has a cry and says it makes her feel better afterwards. I stood in the shower the other day and tried and couldn't. My heart feels heavy and my chest tight.

Re: How to cry?
 

I have been going through a bad patch myself lately, also a broken record. I have noticed, too that if you are really very upset about something you cannot actually cry.

Whether you should go now might depend on your age, the way your wife feels, any kids, profession and whether you are romanticising Britain.

Re: How to cry?
 

lots of people i hear do exactly that, get their citizenship so they can leave....doesn't apply to me but maybe for some folks it helps to keep the door open. do you have a UK trip planned? that might cheer you up for the time being :)

Re: How to cry?
 

Some of us here know how you feel. Only you can decide whether it is worth 'serving time' to get citizenship.

Could you get a less boring job? I always feel infinitely better when I'm working as my work is really interesting.

One thing I would say though: make absolutely sure that you don't become a father until you've sorted out in your own mind where you want to (or at least can) live. You don't want to get stuck...

All the best :)

Re: How to cry?
 

I'm 37 and have a wonderful wife, no kids of yet and I want my wife and I to be settled before they come along.

I've found that go back to the UK for a holiday is like the Sunday morning, I can only think that it's going to be over soon.

I'm going home now and pretend that everythings okay, so as not to upset my wife. There's nothing she can to do about it today.

I think that she can tell when I hug her though..

Re: How to cry?
 

Look on your life as a set of scales - on one side is what you don't have and on the other side is what you do have - a loving wife, family back in the UK, your health, a job and the ability to go back to the UK.

The scales are tipped heavily in your favour but when you are unhappy, it is easier to focus on what is making you unhappy as opposed to what you have right in front of you - a stable relationship and someone that loves you.

Don't fret about not being able to cry, you will become so focused on that - that you will lose sight of the reason that you want to cry - to grieve for something that is not quite within your reach, your ache to be with your family and what is familiar to you.

Take a step back and tell yourself that one day you will go back and it will be YOUR decision to do so.

You might well think it is worth staying for your GC, but ask yourself at what price? Ask yourself where you see yourself in 5-10 years time and where would you like to be living. Life brings us many opportunities and our decisions that we make to enable us to be happy, should certainly not be making ourselves feel so bad that we can't even cry or express emotion.

You can leave, yes you might lose your GC but you will gain a whole lot more. Don't fall into the trap of staying for something that your heart is not truly in. The price could well be too high and not worth it.

Treat yourself, allow yourself some 'me' time, allow yourself time to enjoy things and most of all, promise yourself that you have the power and ability to make yourself happy in your life.

Take a day off, pull a sickie - do something you like and while doing that, forget about trying to cry - that will come when it is ready, but please do take time to weigh up what is and isn't important.

It takes guts to move back, but if it is right for you then you won't regret it.

Take care of yourself :)

Re: How to cry?
 

Hey Dave,
I am so sorry you are feeling like this, I completely understand it, and many of us here on BE have been through it or are going through it.
I am pretty much in the same boat so I dont have any great words of wisdom, but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and keep posting as it really helps, and I dont think anyone will call you a broken record:p
Your wife sounds lovely and gave great advice, a good cry often does help, believe me it will come.

I really liked what professional princess said, and I will take her advice and use it in my own life.

I hope things get a little better soon!!

Re: How to cry?
 

U.K.? coppers to spend on yourself after paying bills and mortgage, head-lice in every school, nasty squirrels jumping over my head in parks. revolting public toilets and train stations, sticky tables in pubs, cracked pavements, housing that looks like the WWII had only just ended, rising damp, dodgy double glazing, commuting to work for 2 hours each way, catastrophic train delays, motorway jams, expensive petrol, pokey old banger cars everywhere,expensive booze and fags, sickening and predictable news headlines, absolutely nothing to look forward to except paying the next set of bills, and the NEXT shop sale, homes where people never hoover and keep pets that stink up half of the street, nosey neighbors. People getting excited about fashion trends that ended in US about 5 years ago. Having the GP who proscribes Amoxicillin before you say Hello. Wet grass that you can never put a blanket on without getting it fouled up, and many, many more.

…..but don’t we love her? Like an old and frumpy mother; a truly wonderful England. I could move there any day! ;)

Re: How to cry?
 

I can't offer anything other than keep talking. Crying isn't for everyone but if you need to then do it. I think you're one helluva brave guy. The only thing I can think of is to think this through and make a cold plan. Decide with your wife how long you want to live there, what you want to acheive, and build up some mental goal posts to get you there. This will give you focus from a less emotional standpoint and might help you through this emotional mental torture you're going through right now.

Good luck m8. I wish you and yours the very best whatever you decide.

Re: How to cry?
 

There is actually a technique for helping one to cry that I heard about although I cannot say how effective it is.

1. Make yourself comfortable.
2. Think about something that makes you want to cry. This issue at hand or something else such as dead fluffy bunnies or England winning/losing the world cup.
3. Act like you are crying, not the tears part, everything else. eg putting your face in you hands, heaving your shoulders, making sobbing noises and so on.

It make sound really daft and you may feel really daft at first but apparantly this can trigger real crying. I was told it by a bereavement counsellor.

Best wishes.

CP

Re: How to cry?
 

It sounds very much like you might benefit from seeing a counsellor - they can help with managing those intrusive thoughts so that you arent overwhelmed with them and can get on with your life in a positive way. If you could find someone who does Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT Therapy) then give them a go - it may feel odd to begin with but it can help. You dont need to cry (the shower is my time to cry I must admit) but you do need to get control of those thoughts because if you dont, then they will begin to intrude into places where you dont want them to go and make your life even more difficult.

Hope you can get something worked out, there is nothing worse than being overwhelmed with things that you can do nothing about.

Re: How to cry?
 

Hey Dave!
Hang in there mate.. it should get better with time. I have been in the same space many times since I moved over here and I am still here 12 years later. I still get homesick and if I were to go back it would be for the same reasons you quote but right now the UK isn't the place it was when I left and every time I go back (about once a year) it seems less like the place I remembered. I have never bothered with the citizenship because I can't really see that it brings me any real benefits but IF I were to consider a move back anytime soon, I may investigate that route. It can be a very lonely place over here sometimes but all in all it is whatever you make it.
Give it some time, it'll improve....

Re: How to cry?
 

Thanks for all the responses guys.

One of the things that I find really difficult is that on a day to day living basis I like the US.

However, I miss the family and just being able to drive over and see them. Or pick up the phone and be in the same time zone.

No matter what I decide I'll be losing out on something.

A friend yesterday said to me, look when you have children things will change. Your Brother and Sister in the UK will have their own lives and parents, sad to say, but pass on. My immediate thought was I know how close I am to my sisters kids and how close my brother is with them too. I would want that for my kids too.

It's true about parents passing on, that's a fact of life, but doesn't that mean that I should cherish the time that they are around?

I've been away from England for nearly 6 years now, with 4 of them in the US. I waste weekends worrying about this and time goes by.

Re: How to cry?
 

I hear ya mate! I have the same feelings... there's no easy answer but time & distance, the very things that cause the woes in the first place will eventually take some of the edge off. Personally, I'd advise trying to get a trip back home soon and see if that eases things.. I know it works for me at least.

Re: How to cry?
 

Everything you say is spot on and when you're a migrant, its the family and close friends you miss the most and often, time isn't a great healer as you miss them more and more. The reality is though that if / when you go back, those that you missed the most have moved on with their lives and you don't quite receive the homecoming you imagined all these years. This often results in a migrant never quite ever "fitting in" again and is probably why a lot of people end up being "ping pongers" and end up moving on again. I'm not saying this is the case for you or anyone else, but just remember our minds have an uncanny knack of playing games and remembering things through rose coloured glasses.

Weigh up the pros and cons and recognise that wherever you end up you will probably never be 100% happy and already your life experiences have changed you too. Once you've tasted change you will probably always be looking for it.

I hope you find peace and happiness and good luck with whatever you decide.

Re: How to cry?
 

Poor bugger, you sound depressed right enough - are you on anti-depressants at all?

Can I ask what your story is, is your wife American or are you both Brits?

Re: How to cry?
 

Hi Dave
Have no magic solutions, other than to offer you my total empathy with what you are going through, so many of us are there too.....
Fortunately (or unfortunately in some cases) I cry at the drop of a hat when I'm sad, but I can relate to the heaviness that you feel inside...
As Quoll suggests, some therapy might be a good way to go..... what you are feeling is not a sign of weakness in any way!

Re: How to cry?
 

I don't get the "staying a country you don't want to live in to get the citizenship so you can leave that country but maybe come back one day" option - it comes up time and time again though - what will change that will make you feel so differently down the track?

Since you have no unbreakable ties and your wife is willing to move, leave soon before you get trapped...maybe if you set a date you would feel better, and spend the remaining time seeing as much of the US as possible?

Re: How to cry?
 

People change and sometimes they have to go back "home" to know where home really is. You only have to look at how many ping pongers there are to know it can happen to anyone, anytime.

No one really ever knows what can happen in the future. At least if you get citizenship, you don't burn any bridges:)

Re: How to cry?
 

To be honest, I've thought about going to the doctor, but I don't want to go down the road of anti-depressants.

My wife is an Indian Citizen and I'm a Brit. We originally applied for a fiance visa when I was living in the UK and my wife was in India. It got refused and then with work I ended up being in the US on a H1. So my wife and I got married in India and she got a H4 visa pretty easily.

I think it's the fear of burning bridges. I completely agree and aluded to that in the original post. When my sister asked me what I would do after I got citizenship and I said that I would move back, her response was basically so what's the point in waiting.

I have ping ponged before. The ONLY reason I did it second time was because of a great job offer I had. Now the work isn't as exciting as it used to be, due to a change in philosphy at the company and in the meantime got married.

I've put the feelers out in the UK for work and started to find out more about the practicalities of the spousal visa. I know the theoretical stuff of what needs to be provided etc, but I need to see what the realities are.

I haven't made a decision yet, but I would like to know what we are facing if we do.

My wife was asking why I looked sad today. I didn't want to say anything so said just busy at work. I don't think that that was the right thing to do.

Re: How to cry?
 

There was a post here on the forum last week about how someone had been to a counsellor and them being told about how they were using sound to drown out their inner voice.

My wife always asks why I have the TV or radio on. That really rang a bell with me.

I have to admit a huge bias against counsellors and always think of them as the 'so how does that make you feel' crowd.

Re: How to cry?
 

I agree. For your sanity you need to talk with your wife. A problem shared is a problem halved;)

Also, your wife will know that something is wrong so sharing it with her will make her feel valued:)

Re: How to cry?
 

So you don't want to be asked about how you are feeling? Er, avoidance is a way of coping....

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies is surprisingly good.

You do sound depressed and if you are, it will stop you thinking clearly and you also won't be able to plan properly because it's a chemical imbalance in your brain, so biochemical and hard to overcome.

Definitely time to be more open with your wife as it sounds like she is worried and she will only want to know what's upsetting you. If I was her, I would worry you weren't happy with me.

Re: How to cry?
 

G586 just beat me to it but I also wanted to suggest you speak to your wife about how you are feeling. She probably realises something is up and might get upset that you are holding back on how you feel. I thought as an immigrant herself maybe she has found some ways to cope that she could share with you if you let her?

Anyway I really empathise with you. I really miss my family in the UK and no amount of web chats and phone calls can make up for actually being with them. Because of that my OH has agreed to try and find work back in the UK so we can go home.

All the best
ps I notice you still call it home too;)

Re: How to cry?
 

I've sat here for five minutes trying to think of something to say to repudiate this. I can't.

I'm going to try and sit down and talk to my wife this weekend. I think that she's dealt with the move fairly well as she can see that we would have a better future in the US than in India. So the thought of living in India doesn't really occur to her. Yes she does miss India, but understands living there isn't an option.

That's the thing. Living in the UK is not a step down in my mind. It's just a sideways step and more of a determination of what's important. I fully believe that you can give children the world opportunities living in the UK.

I'm going to sit down and talk to my wife this weekend. We've talked about going back to the UK before but it's always been at some future point. I might have to ask her to prepare for it to be a little sooner than she thought.

Re: How to cry?
 

I'm so pleased you're going to chat with your wife. I think it will make you both feel much better being honest and open. It did for us. Just be prepared that she may not see eye to eye straight away. It took my OH a week or so to come round to the idea that I really needed to go home.
Hope it goes well.

Re: How to cry?
 

You know whatever crap is going on in your life, you should be able to come home, close the doors and get a hug from your wife.

Dont put any more barriers between you and her to avoid communication, she isnt a mind reader.

Well done for wanting to talk to her, it is the first step and you are in control of it - and that to me is extremely positive.

:thumbup:

Re: How to cry?
 

Gosh me too - if anyone does that to me or just reflects :mad: I want to bop them. ACT and CBT are great - I do tend to use CBT especially thought stopping. Solution Focussed Therapy is OK too. Avoid the Rogerians because they will delve into your personal meaning with reflection and reframing until the cows come home:rofl:

Re: How to cry?
 

2 things I can share. #1.Oftentimes when I felt all broken up about not seeing my parents and my children growing up without them,1 phone call would make it clear to me that my parents were doing marvelously without us! #2. 6 years away is time long enough for your parents to "grow away" from the kind of intimacy you are imagining. So what happened to me e.g. when I returned to my homeground after 4 years away, after a few days of excitement they all returned to their rutine and got busy with their lifestyle while my family were left alone again. In time the benefits of having them around became nothing compared to the the degradation of our own lifestyle of living in a poorer country, again. Months went buy and we figured we did not belong there any more, at all, not one bit!. Now we are in US and I am hoping not to ever make this mistake again. Please go there for a long holiday to check this out yourself. When you talk about how significant it is to be in "the same time zone"(??) I really think your judgement is purly emotional. That is not good. Skiing?, skating?, Rolloerblading? ...You should get out more, buddy! To take a step away, think of people who came over to US 200 years ago, had no phones, and had to endure far worse problems than ours..

Re: How to cry?
 

Hmmm, not weighing into the counselling debate, I am more of the good dose of Zoloft/Prozac and try and get out and about a bit do some stuff, and plan to return sooner than later.

Being brutally honest your wife sounds like a good person, but her sympathy will not be boundless and there will come a time when you feeling down all the time will start to affect your marriage. After all she too is away from her own family and friends.

Re: How to cry?
 

If you want to give cognitive behaviour therapy (cbt) a try, without having to deal with a counsellor, try this website:

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

It's produced by The Australian National University and is a completely free online course that you can work through at your own pace. Incase you don't don't know cbt is about pinning down negative thoughts that bring you down and changing them for positive ones. It is considered the best treatment for depression. Unfortunately people get stuck on antidrepressants instead as a much cheaper alternative.

Re: How to cry?
 

So is there anything you actually do like about Britain?

Re: How to cry?
 

Rollerblading? The poor ****** is depressed,this is his life,not a
Tampax commercial!

Re: How to cry?
 

Miss about England?

Scampi fries, my old "Fox and Hounds" pub in Leatherhead (changed the name now), hearing the word "sorry", and pronounced properly, polite policemen and train conductors, proper church hymn music at my church,holding the door open for the guys behind! The smiles on peoples faces, courtious drivers on motorways, ordinary small talk, and although I do not have it,nothing can replace the prepetual, easy humour in the office.
Dont get me wrong England is great, or used to be.

Re: How to cry?
 

Dave,
It sounds like you may well need to go back home. I think you should make a list of reasons to stay, and reasons to go back, and compare them. There are evidently strong reasons to go back in terms of family relationships. Financially, its probably best to stay in the US, but its well-known, backed up by research that 1: after basic needs are met, increase in wealth doesn't bring increase in happiness, and 2: the real key to happiness appears to be in meaningful relationships (with other people i:e friends and family, and for people that are religious, a feeling of a relationship with God)
It seems to me the US is full of people who have far more wealth than comparable Brits, but are profoundly unhappy, due to lack of good relationships with nearby friends and family. I've worked in the US and Canada, have been living back in the UK 5 years now, and although I miss the open spaces and mountains and positivity, never have I wished to be back in N America. On the big plus side, at least you have your wife with you. When I was in the US I hadn't met my now wife, so it was worse I suppose. After the effort of getting Canadian permanent residency, I let it expire and have no regrets. Similarly, you might not care if you lost your green card.
If your list of reasons to stay and reasons to move back are fairly equal, then maybe you should go back to UK with an "exit strategy" i.e a way to return to the US if moving back home wasn't what you were after. Perhaps a specific future time at which you decide? In my case I knew by a certain time my Canadian PR would have run out, but I'd long since decided being home for good was right, by then.
People talk about reverse culture shock moving back etc. Well yeah things will have moved on, but your friends and family are still more-or-less the same people they were and its your home country.
I guess the big unknown factor in this is your wife and what she wants. I guess as an Indian there's no reason she'd feel less comfortable in the UK than US? Maybe she'd like the UK better in fact?
In case anyone asks "why are you posting if you're so happy back home" - I'm off work with 'flu , and felt like helping a random person. ;)
Good luck,
Nick

Re: How to cry?
 

Hey Dave_Was

I'm in a similar position - I got my citizenship though -it's worth keeping a door open. My wife's family are all in the US and if we move to England, which we are looking at next year, and she doesn't like it, we can always move back without going through immigration.

It is very difficult to obtain a green card once you have left. You can obtain reentry permits which are good for 2 years, but there are no guarantees. If you're serious about moving and keeping a way back open, get your citizenship, save money and just do your best.

As for friends and family moving on that is an unfortunate side effect when one has been absent for a long time, in my case it's seven years. I have almost no contact with my brother - he's married with no kids and his world is completely different from mine, but he is still my brother - I have to accept that the person I grew up with for most of my life has moved on.

I am closer with my sister because we have something in common - kids.

Best of luck

Re: How to cry?
 

think it's now The Shy Horse....if you're meaning The Fox and Hounds on the Leatherhead Rd, Chessington.

Re: How to cry?
 

Dave, if it was me I'd apply for the USC and then go home. My situation is a bit more complicated but I know how you feel. Talk to your wife and be honest with her about everything. She knows something is wrong and this isn't going to go away on its own.

Re: How to cry?
 

Hello All,

Thanks for all the replies, it's been a rough weekend.

Firstly a few people have mentioned going for citizenship, I've only had my GC for about a year now and so that's at least 4 years till I can apply and then probably about a year in the application process. In the meantime I would have turned 40, my parents 70, neices and nephews into their late teens. 5 years to me at the moment sounds like a lifetime and and that missed time won't come back.

I spoke to my wife.. There were a lot of tears, mainly hers. I explained the situation and she listened and cried. We talked, held each other, talked and cried.

She said that she had seen a change in me in the last couple of weeks and was waiting for me to bring it up. She understands why I want to go back, she's a gentle soul and scared about living in the UK, especially now that she has got used to the US.

I think that we still have a way to go in discussing things as she is more thinking along the lines of a year, whereas I'm thinking about a few months.

Reading around the subject.. it does look like we'll be burning the bridge of coming back when we leave. Especially as when we apply for a settlement visa for my wife, that could be seen as intent to live permanently abroad.

In a way both my wife and I think that if we do move back to the UK, that's it. We should settle down and be done with it.

I don't want to be at work today, but have to be here.

I think that it's been said many times before moving country is a huge deal and something that you need to understand why your doing it. Looking back on it, I made a mistake moving out to the US.

Re: How to cry?
 

You're right about the USC thing. A lot of folks are eligible by the time they want to leave so it is a matter of months for them. I know exactly what you mean about taking the decision to move to the US more seriously, but you've done it and its been an adventure, and now maybe its time to move on. Just give it time to be sure its what you want.