Has anyone left their Aus/OS Spouse to return to UK?
Aug 4th 2008, 11:01 pm
#31
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Joined: May 2008
Location: Hamilton, New Zealand
Posts: 328
Re: Has anyone left their Aus/OS Spouse to return to UK?
I had a similar dilemma last year- my wife is american, we'd been living in the states for two year, immigration had developed into a farce of wodehouse-esque proportions, I was forced (largely by the missus, partly by myself for agreeing to it...)into working for a company that I had serious ethical misgivings about, was putting on weight, couldn't cope with the cultureshock, and was seriously, seriously homesick- wifes response at the time was, essentially, "tough."
I came so close to getting my parents to buy me a one-way and just ditching the whole bloody mess.
We limped through, though, and moved to a different state that took some of the pressure off for a brief spell, but it returned once we realised she was trapped in a low paying job with good benefits, meaning I was forced once again into work I hated to pay the bills on a place that was too big for me but not big enough for her.
During that time, though, my wife really came to understand just how miserable I was, and also just how much better life could be in the UK- her family was falling apart and she was being dragged into every stupid catfight, two of her nephews signed up for the marines at 18- one of whom is about a month away from being deployed to Iraq, which has her worried sick, and nothing seemed to be going well for us.
she also came to realise, I think, just how much her habit of hoarding material things was impacting our happiness- I started married life with a bag of clothes, a guitar and my hardback copies of Lord of the Rings- she carried about 30 years of stuff with her everywhere, and it completely dictated how big a place we needed and how much we had to pay for rent, which made life far too hard.
Upshot? we're moving back to the UK- I'm off on the 19th of september, and she'll be joining me sometime next february, once she wraps everything up here and her immigration process is complete.
I'm glad we stuck it out, but by god we had some near-misses. Best part of it is that we both have a new-found appreciation of the UK and its pace and silly traditions and past-times (Snooker! grated cheese and pickle sandwiches! lukewarm flat beer! etc etc), and are both going to be much calmer, happier individuals because of it all- and we can build our lives around our income, rather than have to build our income around our lives, which is just enormous in my books.
I came so close to getting my parents to buy me a one-way and just ditching the whole bloody mess.
We limped through, though, and moved to a different state that took some of the pressure off for a brief spell, but it returned once we realised she was trapped in a low paying job with good benefits, meaning I was forced once again into work I hated to pay the bills on a place that was too big for me but not big enough for her.
During that time, though, my wife really came to understand just how miserable I was, and also just how much better life could be in the UK- her family was falling apart and she was being dragged into every stupid catfight, two of her nephews signed up for the marines at 18- one of whom is about a month away from being deployed to Iraq, which has her worried sick, and nothing seemed to be going well for us.
she also came to realise, I think, just how much her habit of hoarding material things was impacting our happiness- I started married life with a bag of clothes, a guitar and my hardback copies of Lord of the Rings- she carried about 30 years of stuff with her everywhere, and it completely dictated how big a place we needed and how much we had to pay for rent, which made life far too hard.
Upshot? we're moving back to the UK- I'm off on the 19th of september, and she'll be joining me sometime next february, once she wraps everything up here and her immigration process is complete.
I'm glad we stuck it out, but by god we had some near-misses. Best part of it is that we both have a new-found appreciation of the UK and its pace and silly traditions and past-times (Snooker! grated cheese and pickle sandwiches! lukewarm flat beer! etc etc), and are both going to be much calmer, happier individuals because of it all- and we can build our lives around our income, rather than have to build our income around our lives, which is just enormous in my books.
Over the last 5yrs I have gone through, at some point, the emotions and stress you are all expressing and it was horrendous. Absolute despair and hopelessness that I have never experienced in my life, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Only as individuals do we know how far we can each go before cracking and becoming totally incapable of making the decisions needed. I have walked the line and been on the edge many times since living in NZ and unless experienced it can never be truly understood. Soul destroying you are not wrong there. I explained to my husband once that I felt my soul was been sucked out of me and was so desperate to hang on to my last bit of sanity. I'm lucky in a sense as hubby has been in mental health for 20yrs so he didn't run a mile or tell pull myself together.
The whole thing, the decisions, the timing, the how to do or what to do becomes a matter of survival. My advice to anyone who has hit that low and rock bottom is that if you have a choice use it, if you can get away go, if you can find support take it and your heart and sole ar telling you things aren't right listen and act.
We are all in very different relationships and are different people and I would never advised anyone to up sticks and run (unless in an abusive relationship), but I do say you need to tell your OH exactly how you feel, what you are going through and what you want to do about it. If they don't want to know..you have your answer already.
After 5 yrs my hubby could no longer pretend all was well and realised exactly the extent of my 'unhappiness' only this year. Once he turned around at Christmas and finally said we need to go home, the floodgates opened and it was though I had been going through a slow death. Even I hadn't recognised all the damage and my downward spiral, I was good at cover ups!
So now we are heading home, back to the Isle of Man with 2 adults, 2 kids and 2, kiwi cats. Like most have to sell the house but other than that, we pack and we leave and as far as I am concerned 'I ain't looking back'.
And yeh, what a new found appreciation I have, my life was good before we just fancied a change, (WTF
) won't be happening again. We are now wiser, calmer and feel like we have got some inner knowledge that has now in turn given inner peace...I'm going home 
I wish you all luck, you can and will get through it. First talk to the OH, make 'your' decision and you will move on and find yourselves again
GOODLUCK
Last edited by LizaJane; Aug 4th 2008 at 11:05 pm. Reason: spelling
Aug 5th 2008, 4:29 pm
#32
Forum Regular
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 57
Re: Has anyone left their Aus/OS Spouse to return to UK?
And yeh, what a new found appreciation I have, my life was good before we just fancied a change, (WTF ) won't be happening again. We are now wiser, calmer and feel like we have got some inner knowledge that has now in turn given inner peace...I'm going home
I wish you all luck, you can and will get through it. First talk to the OH, make 'your' decision and you will move on and find yourselves againGOODLUCK
) won't be happening again. We are now wiser, calmer and feel like we have got some inner knowledge that has now in turn given inner peace...I'm going home I wish you all luck, you can and will get through it. First talk to the OH, make 'your' decision and you will move on and find yourselves again
GOODLUCKMr Nailhead, meet Ms Hammer
If you're happy overseas, marvellous and the best of British to you, but if not, you've got to make that decision for yourself- your relationship to your partner is one thing, but if its forcing you into a situation you want no part of, thats not healthy, and its certainly not fair.
I'm just glad my wife loves the UK so much- loves the beer, loves the curry, loves chips and mushy peas, loves the wildlife and the countryside, loves the music (the proper stuff, not the talentless drivel we also produce to compensate all the good bands like Coldplay or the Manics- watched coldplay's recent BBC concert on the tele the other day and were singing along and crying the occasional tear of happiness at the thought we'll be back there soon), and she also loves Europe and can't wait to spend our holidays in Bulgaria, France, or wherever else we feel like exploring.
Basically, we should never have moved to the US- we did it because we thought we'd have more opportunities here but that's not been the case, and we're so happy to be leaving.
To Islandergirl- my god, I am so glad I was able to resist my wife's occasional urges to get a car loan or buy a house here, and i cannot imagine how hard it must be to be saddled with a mortgage in a country you don't even want to live in, especially if the only reason you are is for storage space for piles of crud that serves no purpose.
I'm glad your OH is willing to move back to the UK, but I'm so sorry to hear he's insisting on things "staying the same"- does he have any idea how much that is going to cost? not just financially, but in terms of the burden it places on you? It just sounds so unfair and totally unnecessary.
I'd be tempted (because I'm mildly devious) to say "of course dear! let me arrange for the shipping of your wonderful, relevent and oh-so-useful memorabila of you!" and then pay the shipping company to accidentally cover the stuff in fishpaste and "lose it" somewhere deep, isolated and shark-infested.
I'm so glad my wife has finally woken up to it all, and I wish your OH would too- spent the weekend with her chucking enormous amounts of stuff she's been hording for years away- a truly cathartic experience for both of us! she said it was like being able to breath after three years of being smothered without realising it- she threw away hundreds of tapes shes had since high school that haven't worked for ten years, mountains of papers, journals, magazines and photos that she hasn't looked at since she was eighteen... glorious feeling! Only one small point of regret was me thinking "what if she'd done this years ago? would I have been so miserable?" well, until america reforms its media, scraps health insurance, rebuilds its welfare state, and bans any vehicle that can't get at lease 30 miles to the gallon, the answer would be "probably", so I'll not lose any sleep over it all!
My only suggestion, like LizaJane, is to decide first what you need to make you happy and content, and then sit down with your OH, lay it on the line, and if necessary say "I love you, but this is killing me, so its me or the lifestyle, sonny- you pick."
A tough thing to ask, but I can't tell you how wonderful its been, after three years of essentially feelnig like I've been vanishing to be replaced with someone I'm really not terribly keen on, to be told by my wife that she values my happiness far more than she values her piles of stuff.
Aug 5th 2008, 5:27 pm
#33
Forum Regular
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 87
Re: Has anyone left their Aus/OS Spouse to return to UK?
Hi all,
Just thought I'd add my two bob's worth. My journey has also been pretty heart wrenching. I met an Ozzie in the UK in 1999 who told me that he intended to return to Oz "for good". I'd never met anyone like him before and fell for him head over heels. He agreed to stay with me in the UK while I completed my professional training and to cut a long story short, we were there together until 2006. We then went to Oz "for good". I didn't really want to go but simply wanted to be with him.
I went home alone after 5 months as I couldn't cope with the loss of my family. At that stage I absolutely hated everything about Oz. I went back after 4 months in the UK as I missed him terribly and didn't feel that I had given things my best shot. I didn't want to be left with "what ifs".
That was a year ago. I'm now back in the UK as my sister just got married. Over the last year I did everything completely different in Oz. I went out of my way to make friends, to join groups, to get work, to keep busy. Yet I was always torn by the loss of my family and my Country. I hated being there at Christmas, my favourite Grandmother passed away and I couldn't attend her funeral, I missed all the family birthdays, mothers day, fathers day and even my sister's hen do. Instead I had to go to all of my other half's family events ... where I don't really feel like I fit in and where people make constant remarks about how much better it is in Oz than the UK.
Coming back on this trip to the UK my overall view of Oz has changed such that I don't now hate everything and in fact I like a lot of things. But I also like a lot of things about the UK. I do however resent the fact that in Oz my other half has everything he wants in life whereas I have lost so much. He says that he will go back to the Uk for certain periods, but that basically, if we are to be together then Oz must be our home.
The vicar at my sister's wedding talked about the nature of love as being unconditional. This is now my main issue. I love my other half dearly and I know that he loves me yet somehow, despite the fact that I have done everything I can to settle in Oz, something is still not right. Yet I am still struggling with the idea of letting go and giving up on everything that we have been through together. I must decide now once and for all whether to sacrifice my relationship, or my Country and a lifetime with my family. Despite all my efforts I still feel like I am in exactly the same situation and predicament that I was in this time last year ... and that sucks!
My personal advice to anyone is not to just go along with everything that someone else wants. If I had asked myself the relevant questions a long time ago before I got too deeply involved, things would have been a hell of a lot easier!
My thoughts go out to anyone out there who is in an equally difficult situation. Remember you are not alone. If you know deep down what you want then be strong and go for it sooner rather than later.
Best wishes.
Just thought I'd add my two bob's worth. My journey has also been pretty heart wrenching. I met an Ozzie in the UK in 1999 who told me that he intended to return to Oz "for good". I'd never met anyone like him before and fell for him head over heels. He agreed to stay with me in the UK while I completed my professional training and to cut a long story short, we were there together until 2006. We then went to Oz "for good". I didn't really want to go but simply wanted to be with him.
I went home alone after 5 months as I couldn't cope with the loss of my family. At that stage I absolutely hated everything about Oz. I went back after 4 months in the UK as I missed him terribly and didn't feel that I had given things my best shot. I didn't want to be left with "what ifs".
That was a year ago. I'm now back in the UK as my sister just got married. Over the last year I did everything completely different in Oz. I went out of my way to make friends, to join groups, to get work, to keep busy. Yet I was always torn by the loss of my family and my Country. I hated being there at Christmas, my favourite Grandmother passed away and I couldn't attend her funeral, I missed all the family birthdays, mothers day, fathers day and even my sister's hen do. Instead I had to go to all of my other half's family events ... where I don't really feel like I fit in and where people make constant remarks about how much better it is in Oz than the UK.
Coming back on this trip to the UK my overall view of Oz has changed such that I don't now hate everything and in fact I like a lot of things. But I also like a lot of things about the UK. I do however resent the fact that in Oz my other half has everything he wants in life whereas I have lost so much. He says that he will go back to the Uk for certain periods, but that basically, if we are to be together then Oz must be our home.
The vicar at my sister's wedding talked about the nature of love as being unconditional. This is now my main issue. I love my other half dearly and I know that he loves me yet somehow, despite the fact that I have done everything I can to settle in Oz, something is still not right. Yet I am still struggling with the idea of letting go and giving up on everything that we have been through together. I must decide now once and for all whether to sacrifice my relationship, or my Country and a lifetime with my family. Despite all my efforts I still feel like I am in exactly the same situation and predicament that I was in this time last year ... and that sucks!
My personal advice to anyone is not to just go along with everything that someone else wants. If I had asked myself the relevant questions a long time ago before I got too deeply involved, things would have been a hell of a lot easier!
My thoughts go out to anyone out there who is in an equally difficult situation. Remember you are not alone. If you know deep down what you want then be strong and go for it sooner rather than later.
Best wishes.
Aug 5th 2008, 6:51 pm
#34
Forum Regular
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 57
Re: Has anyone left their Aus/OS Spouse to return to UK?
LCT- I'm sorry you're in this position, but you are very right in saying that you feel you've lost so much while your OH seems to get everything they want- I've felt like that so many times in my relationship, especially during family events where I end up using all my holiday time and spare money seeing her family, and never have anything left for my own.
The worst part of it was the last two christmas times- both involved my wife spending so much money on her own family (she actually spent so much we couldn't afford to ship some presents!) that there was nothing left for mine-
Not being able to divide your time fairly between families and friends is probably the worst thing about being married to a non-countryperson- one of the things I am totally adamant about is that, once we're both back in the UK, we're laying aside a percentage of our income each month so she can afford to fly home to see her folks, or have money to enjoy herself if they come over to see us, which are both things that I was never able to do here.
Good luck with your decision, and do the best thing by yourself- if that means staying in Oz, great, but if it means leaving, then do what needs to be done- I know if my OH refused to leave the US, I would probably end up either miserable or divorced.
The worst part of it was the last two christmas times- both involved my wife spending so much money on her own family (she actually spent so much we couldn't afford to ship some presents!) that there was nothing left for mine-
Not being able to divide your time fairly between families and friends is probably the worst thing about being married to a non-countryperson- one of the things I am totally adamant about is that, once we're both back in the UK, we're laying aside a percentage of our income each month so she can afford to fly home to see her folks, or have money to enjoy herself if they come over to see us, which are both things that I was never able to do here.
Good luck with your decision, and do the best thing by yourself- if that means staying in Oz, great, but if it means leaving, then do what needs to be done- I know if my OH refused to leave the US, I would probably end up either miserable or divorced.
Aug 5th 2008, 8:11 pm
#35
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,610
Re: Has anyone left their Aus/OS Spouse to return to UK?
Hi all,
Just thought I'd add my two bob's worth. My journey has also been pretty heart wrenching. I met an Ozzie in the UK in 1999 who told me that he intended to return to Oz "for good". I'd never met anyone like him before and fell for him head over heels. He agreed to stay with me in the UK while I completed my professional training and to cut a long story short, we were there together until 2006. We then went to Oz "for good". I didn't really want to go but simply wanted to be with him.
I went home alone after 5 months as I couldn't cope with the loss of my family. At that stage I absolutely hated everything about Oz. I went back after 4 months in the UK as I missed him terribly and didn't feel that I had given things my best shot. I didn't want to be left with "what ifs".
That was a year ago. I'm now back in the UK as my sister just got married. Over the last year I did everything completely different in Oz. I went out of my way to make friends, to join groups, to get work, to keep busy. Yet I was always torn by the loss of my family and my Country. I hated being there at Christmas, my favourite Grandmother passed away and I couldn't attend her funeral, I missed all the family birthdays, mothers day, fathers day and even my sister's hen do. Instead I had to go to all of my other half's family events ... where I don't really feel like I fit in and where people make constant remarks about how much better it is in Oz than the UK.
Coming back on this trip to the UK my overall view of Oz has changed such that I don't now hate everything and in fact I like a lot of things. But I also like a lot of things about the UK. I do however resent the fact that in Oz my other half has everything he wants in life whereas I have lost so much. He says that he will go back to the Uk for certain periods, but that basically, if we are to be together then Oz must be our home.
The vicar at my sister's wedding talked about the nature of love as being unconditional. This is now my main issue. I love my other half dearly and I know that he loves me yet somehow, despite the fact that I have done everything I can to settle in Oz, something is still not right. Yet I am still struggling with the idea of letting go and giving up on everything that we have been through together. I must decide now once and for all whether to sacrifice my relationship, or my Country and a lifetime with my family. Despite all my efforts I still feel like I am in exactly the same situation and predicament that I was in this time last year ... and that sucks!
My personal advice to anyone is not to just go along with everything that someone else wants. If I had asked myself the relevant questions a long time ago before I got too deeply involved, things would have been a hell of a lot easier!
My thoughts go out to anyone out there who is in an equally difficult situation. Remember you are not alone. If you know deep down what you want then be strong and go for it sooner rather than later.
Best wishes.
Just thought I'd add my two bob's worth. My journey has also been pretty heart wrenching. I met an Ozzie in the UK in 1999 who told me that he intended to return to Oz "for good". I'd never met anyone like him before and fell for him head over heels. He agreed to stay with me in the UK while I completed my professional training and to cut a long story short, we were there together until 2006. We then went to Oz "for good". I didn't really want to go but simply wanted to be with him.
I went home alone after 5 months as I couldn't cope with the loss of my family. At that stage I absolutely hated everything about Oz. I went back after 4 months in the UK as I missed him terribly and didn't feel that I had given things my best shot. I didn't want to be left with "what ifs".
That was a year ago. I'm now back in the UK as my sister just got married. Over the last year I did everything completely different in Oz. I went out of my way to make friends, to join groups, to get work, to keep busy. Yet I was always torn by the loss of my family and my Country. I hated being there at Christmas, my favourite Grandmother passed away and I couldn't attend her funeral, I missed all the family birthdays, mothers day, fathers day and even my sister's hen do. Instead I had to go to all of my other half's family events ... where I don't really feel like I fit in and where people make constant remarks about how much better it is in Oz than the UK.
Coming back on this trip to the UK my overall view of Oz has changed such that I don't now hate everything and in fact I like a lot of things. But I also like a lot of things about the UK. I do however resent the fact that in Oz my other half has everything he wants in life whereas I have lost so much. He says that he will go back to the Uk for certain periods, but that basically, if we are to be together then Oz must be our home.
The vicar at my sister's wedding talked about the nature of love as being unconditional. This is now my main issue. I love my other half dearly and I know that he loves me yet somehow, despite the fact that I have done everything I can to settle in Oz, something is still not right. Yet I am still struggling with the idea of letting go and giving up on everything that we have been through together. I must decide now once and for all whether to sacrifice my relationship, or my Country and a lifetime with my family. Despite all my efforts I still feel like I am in exactly the same situation and predicament that I was in this time last year ... and that sucks!
My personal advice to anyone is not to just go along with everything that someone else wants. If I had asked myself the relevant questions a long time ago before I got too deeply involved, things would have been a hell of a lot easier!
My thoughts go out to anyone out there who is in an equally difficult situation. Remember you are not alone. If you know deep down what you want then be strong and go for it sooner rather than later.
Best wishes.
If as you say your OH loves you so much and knows how you feel and that you have tried dont you think that he's not being fair to you. I really would think about that side of your relationship. You said that you returned to the Uk for a while and then because you missed your OH you went back. Did he call you and beg you to go back did he tell you how much he missed you and that if you really felt as sad as you did he would come back to the UK.
Aug 5th 2008, 9:37 pm
#36
BE Enthusiast
Joined: May 2008
Location: Hamilton, New Zealand
Posts: 328
Re: Has anyone left their Aus/OS Spouse to return to UK?
Mr Nailhead, meet Ms Hammer
A tough thing to ask, but I can't tell you how wonderful its been, after three years of essentially feelnig like I've been vanishing to be replaced with someone I'm really not terribly keen on, to be told by my wife that she values my happiness far more than she values her piles of stuff.
A tough thing to ask, but I can't tell you how wonderful its been, after three years of essentially feelnig like I've been vanishing to be replaced with someone I'm really not terribly keen on, to be told by my wife that she values my happiness far more than she values her piles of stuff.
The material stuff and lifestyle is great but not at the sacrifice of the family or indivduals... but don't get me wrong it has taken 4yrs to get round to that conclusion. Guys you need to what is right for you, if there aren't kids involved all the better, you really only have to concern yourself with your own happiness.
When we looked at it realistically we asked ourselves, is it home, can it ever be home?
Even my kids of 10 and 12 have asked if we can take them home...it says it all really.
Thoughts are with
