chance to be

Ruby, Im sorry you are having such an awful time and I hope things improove soon. Take care - chrissy

Mrs Miggins

I have spent most of this year being trained "how to" counsel, it's been interesiting to see how easily it is to do it badly, so if you did get him in to an office make sure it's with someone he's ok with and let him see them on his own first to build a rapport.

I have seen people act very weird with counselling going on, you see it's a process....... you will have break throughs, you will have crap, you will have days where you don't want to go because you are too ok or too exhausted, and yes, it's going to effect your moods terribly, especially if what you are doing (and what you should be doing) is self examining.... because that mate is essential. He has not made you "feel like this" rubes, you have given him the power/ or you have framed situations or issues in ways that make you feel like this.......take and responsibility of your own emotional being.

A really good technique instead of rowing with him is to assert yourself simply and non accusationally - it's really cool and works a dream in a crappy situation - it goes like this

I feel ____________________ when you _______________I would like you to __________________________

It's amazing the effects that it has on people, really quite profound. Nobody can EVER argue with how you feel, because it's how YOU feel. And with this technique, it's not anywhere near aggressive if you say it calmly and gently, and you will still get your point across and let people know your boundaries at the same time.

Anyway, I will let you go and I am off to sleeps, it's been a long day.

All the best Mrs Murray!!! Ill be thinking of you

Mrs M xxx

Ruby Murray

Hi Mrs M,

Wow, I had no Idea you were related to the Counsellor field of work. All what you have just said there, is how my counsellor is coming across. I find it all very deep and because of my muddled mind lately, I can't get my head around it all. My counsellor is right now trying to get me to use that very technique about telling my OH how I feel, but my counsellor also understands that I'm at a point of exhaustion and having got much fight in me to try out this technique as it does require strength and brainwork to find the right words. I have your number though Mrs M (thanks for the karma!) and I wouldn't mind giving you a call, if that would be ok?

Thanks for the advice
Ruby

Ruby Murray

Thanks for the karma chance 2 B......sound advice too. I wish I could assume my OH would follow me back to the UK but he's a stubborn goat.

Steve&Tanya

HI Ruby Murray

Sorry to hear of the tough time you are going through. I really hope things work out for you and for the best for all involved.

If you ever need to unload feel free to PM me. I have no formal training so wont offer advice but am always happy to be a shoulder to cry on. Having been through a tough patch myself recently I know what it is like to feel on your own as your usual support network isn't around.

I hope the counselling works out for you and it is definately a step in the right direction.

All the best, Tanya

Dave_Was

Hello Ruby Murray,

Sorry to hear of the difficulties that you are having. It's a difficult thing when two people want to different things.

I think that you really have to be brave to go to counselling and make that decision that you need help. I think that as a man and men generally, we have a difficult time saying we need help. Looking back on my own life I know there are times when I should have just said stop, I need help.

Try to take a couple of deep breaths before you do anything and try not to do anything rash.

Good luck in all of this.

quoll

You could ask your counsellor if they know about ACT Therapy (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) - it is a mindfulness based therapy which can be very effective in helping you cope with the muddled mind and exhausted feelings that you now have and enable you to be clear about what you need to express to your OH. Good on you for looking after your own emotional needs through counselling and rap on the knuckles for your DH for not valuing the relationship that you have enough to talk about how he is feeling about the whole thing! (where is the little poke in the eye with a sharp stick icon when you need him?!)

Ruby Murray

Just a quick drop in to touch base with those who've offered advice and good wishes.........

I've made a big effort to keep things even and neutral in the house since the weekend as I've become so tired and exhausted with all the arguing and talk of splitting up. The good thing to come out of this is that I managed to calmly request that we seek counselling together, and although he was totally taken aback by the question, he came round to the idea and asked when I could set it up!! I think he thought that seeing as we were on "pleasant speaking terms" again, that I was hey-ok again....until I burst his bubble and told him I do still have the same feelings, but I just wanted to keep them out of the picture for a couple of days.

I just wanted to say a very big Thank You to those who have offered such nice words and advice, and the Karma & PM's too. This cyber-space we know and love as British Expats has become my social gathering and I've got to know so many people through it. My OH resents Expats immensely and does get snippety and jealous when he sees me on it. That's just too tough, he'll have to deal with it - you all understand the power of homesickness and the desire to head home better than anyone.

Love you all, Nite-Nite,
Rubes xxx

dewdrop

I'm thinking of doing a split base with our family, but its still underconsideration....We aren't splitting up, its just OH has a great job here, and will retire within the 6years. We want to get the children (3) into the schooling b4 then, so they feel the uk is a big part of them & all the extended family that is there...we are really hoping in the Contract talks that something will come up for him earlier than 6yrs, so he can move over to theUK...I just think doing it with 3 children singley is doable, just gonna be hard at first...

HOpe it all works out for you and the children at the end of the day!

Mrs Miggins

I have done the last 6 years in that situation with my OH in the military and yes it is doable, especially if the kidsa are behind you on it and the OH is happy with that - I will however have to point out, that you are going to have days from hell where you are lonely and you wonder what the heck it's all for, and days from heaven where you see just how strong you are and just what you are made of.........It doesn't do your children any harm to see a parent do it on their own I don't think personally, as if the day ever comes where they need to make a decision to do it, they can remember back and know it's possible. Although I am sure that after 8 months or so you will do EVERYTHING you guys can to get back together as a family unit.

I wish you the very best with it whatever happens, and think that sometimes you do have to do the long haul route to get to a good final desitination, nothing in life worth having is easy got, I am just hoping that my turn is coming very very soon..

All the best
Mrs M xxx

manghams

Hi Ruby

So sorry that you have reached this point; but if this is what you have to do, good luck.

I have been a single parent and yes it is hard, but not impossible. I assume when you come back to the UK you will have family and friends around you. Were are you heading to?

I came back for my husband, who is now happy, I am struggling, but would not have expected him to stay and be so unhappy.

I would suggest getting on Rightmove and finding yourself somehwhere to rent as soon as possible, staying with family can make the whole process harder, they tend to be in your face.
PM me it you need to talk and I wish you well.

Michal

manghams

Maybe you should meet my husband..... he has an ability to totally dismiss all others feelings and impose his own!

(I have counselling experience and I am at a loss often)

Some men just cannot accept that someone else may have an answer to their problem. or even acknowledge that they have a problem.

joelsa

Hi Ruby

Only just found this thread.
Just wanted to say i'm sorry you're having such a crap time at the moment and sending you cyber hugs (((())))
Hope you can work it out.

Jo xx

Mrs Miggins

Mang - just give him a hard slap first!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously though, there is such a stigma around counselling that men are really put off by it....real pity, as they would benefit just as much as us ladies - if not more

Interesting fact though, men are psychologically way worse off than women in divorce apparently. Because we retain our support systems etc, and they look at us primarily as being their support system, they are pretty well buggered when we walk....... Interesting really. And they are also much more likely to remarry (for the obvious reasons) when they have been widowed.

Anyway, I am off to count beans or something (that's my nerdyness coming through again lol!)

Mrs M x

Beastie

Hi Ruby

Not very often I look on here (usually frequent Canada forum) so have only just found this thread. Just wanted to say I'm really sorry you're going through such a difficult time and send you our best wishes. Stay strong.

Lynne